Living the dream - POV adaptation

Carole

Phew, I’m done it’s finally finished, this essay has taken a good while, but I’ve checked and checked, and I think its finally ready to be sent over, maybe I should get Rob to read it over before I send it.

No, I need to believe in myself more, I’m sure it’s perfect, next job, washing up, stood at my sink my thoughts return, I’m trying hard to focus on the task at hand but lately nothing seems to interest me, I find myself aimlessly staring out the window as the sunset draws in, I’m sure to most people out there its beautiful but recently I’m struggling to see any beauty in any part of my pathetic life, I thought with the long lock down finally over id have somethings to be happy about to look forward to, but all I see is hopelessness, everything is different, people seem strange, its as if the lock down has pushed strangers into more of a stranger than we ever were before, its not only been hard on me but for Rob to, we’ve seemed to spend more and more time apart and he doesn’t bring me the joy he once used to, 8 years, 8 long joyful years, darkened, ripped apart by a contagion.

Washing up complete, coffee and tv, time to relax, I throw myself onto my, if I do say so myself the most comfortable sofa in the whole world, although a tad disheveled from my endless late nights in-front of the TV, it’s not for lack of trying I just cant sleep, it evades me, It's this or I’m sitting in bed on my phone just scrolling endless shorts on YouTube, I put my phone down regularly in hopes sleep will take me, but then the thoughts race in, you know the ones that tell you you’re not good enough that cloud your brain until you cant take it no more, the point where you don’t want to go but you also can’t bare one more day on this fucked up planet, ‘buzz buzz’ the sound of my phones brings me back to reality, its rob, but what do I say what can we talk about, like on autopilot I answer the phone.

I’m back robs doing okay and we talked about our crappy days not that I can remember much of what he said now, my thoughts were elsewhere like usual. These days I’m not quite sure I love Rob, beautiful sole of a man but downright boring, I deeply care for him though, but I’m not making him happy nor is he how he used to, last night broke me as yet again he asked me to marry him, I just shut off and didn’t have an answer, how can you tell the person who worships you, you want to end things, it’s not all his fault as I said lock-down has been tough on us all, being forced to back off from relationships over fear for our families and loved ones health, a change in how we work, I loved being at the office with all my work colleges I had a great social life, now I’m living in my pj's and ordering everything to my door so I can avoid people, this isn’t me but I don’t think I’ll ever get me back now I’m falling deeper and deeper into this endless black hole an no one, not rob , my tutor, nor my loving family can help me now. Ultimately, he deserves more than the angry, sad utterly depressed woman I’ve become over theses past few months. I’m exhausted and it’s a point where it’s so far from just simply being tired, thinking about another day on this earth makes me physically ill, sleep is still escaping me so I’m heading back downstairs to take a sleeping pill, in hopes it will help me to drift off I’m so very over looking at my phone and seeing the time 5am when I need to be up to work at 7:30am for those zoom meetings, how I detest them, I miss my friends, I miss what me and rob had.

I sit down and I compose a letter to Rob

Dearest rob

I’m sorry but I have to go.

I think I do love you, but you deserve someone happier.

I want to live my dream….

Love, Carole

Not my best work but I really don’t know what to say to him, I’m so scared to hurt him, he’s done nothing wrong we’ve just drifted apart and became different people.

Finally I drift off to sleep, and slowly after a time of darkness a dream starts to stream through, this dream is nothing like any I’ve had recently, usually my dreams are filled with dread and reliving real life problems, my thoughts still race and show me what can only be described as distorted realities and all of them are bad, but this is different, so very different, it’s warm, everything is bright and colourful, I feel different and upon looking down its seems I look different, well its not so much I look different I’m still me, but these clothes, bright bohemian colours fill my eyes. But, but I wear black my whole wardrobe consists of drab black clothing, the smell of fresh grass fills the air as I step outside my oddly colourful house filled with life and thriving house plants, the feeling, it came to me, its freedom, I feel happy and free and oh I could stay here forever, Robs walking up my drive and he’s just how I remember before covid he’s also full of life and looks incredibly happy and dressed In colour himself, more recently he had sort of match my style and was wearing more and more black, we had always joked it wasn’t his colour, so this was a welcome change, he grabs my hand and we walk down a beautifully kept street, like how you see in the movies, perfectly cut grass, neighbours greeting each other in the street, I feel like I’ve been thrown back in time but years of time ago, more than just to two I’d hoped that had never happened, I could happily stay here the rest of my life but I know my alarms will be going off soon, so for now I’m going to enjoy this moment with the sun in my face whist hand in hand with Rob, finally happy at last.

I wake up to my alarm, it sounds different more of a steady beep. Beep. Beep, Over the loud ringing sound I’ve become accustomed to waking to, slowly I try to open my eyes, nothing, I can’t open my eyes, I try to move my hands, nothing, what’s happening to me why can’t I move, seconds later I hear someone open my door I scream out for help but nothing comes from my mouth, I hear my family and Rob talking, they sound sad but I can’t quite understand what they are saying they seem so panicked, I then hear another voice, one I don’t quite recognize.

The words that come from his mouth shattered me to my core. The voice in a solemn tone said ‘’her vital signs are perfect, but we can’t seem to wake her’’