Living on Empty

Ashley stood looking out the window at the snow falling, unconsciously tapping the sill with her fingernail. The urge was building again. The urge to flee this white world of winter and immerse herself into the magic of a tropical island. She knew she would be giving in to that urge. After all, she hadn’t been able to resist it each year since she became an adult. Her problem was that the previous trips had not satisfied the urge. Yes, there was so much to love: the lush green forests, the turquoise water, the brilliant sunsets. She felt completely at home with the easy going life-style of the islands, but there was always something missing. Something she couldn’t put her finger on. Something she knew that she needed to find.

She turned back to the table covered with a map of the Caribbean Sea, her finger tracing the different islands she had already visited: Cuba, Jamaica, Haiti. Last year she had stretched her trip out, visiting several of the islands in the Bahamas, but even that didn’t help. The emptiness remained, in spite of the variety of incredible experiences she had enjoyed and the memories she had made.

Her first trips had been of the bargain basement variety; special cheap excursions, designed to fill airplane seats and cheap resorts. This year, however, it could be different. Her team had finished a major project at work. She had received a large Christmas bonus in gratitude for a job well done. Perhaps what she was searching for was some thing different, far away from the throngs of tourists she had experienced so far. Her finger moved to the east on the map: the British Virgin Islands, St Croix, St. Kitts, Guadeloupe, Dominica. There were so many choices. She paused as she read Dominica. Dominica? Where had she seen that before? A frown creased her forehead as she tried to remember. Dominica? Wasn’t that the country on her birth certificate? Wasn’t that where she was born? Maybe it held the key to what she was looking for.

Ashley picked up her cell phone as she said “call home”. Although she hadn’t lived with her parents since she headed off to university at 18, their house was still home to her. Why change it, while she was living on her own? It would never be necessary to call herself. In no time at all, she heard her father’s voice on the line. She jumped right into the issue. “Dad, I was born in Dominica, wasn’t I?”

“Yes,” he replied. “what’s this about?”

“Well, I guess the question is why? You never talk about it.”

“It was where your mother and I were living at the time. We both had jobs with a foundation, setting up a vocational college on the island,” he replied. “When we started, we planned to make it our life’s mission, but things didn’t work out.” He paused as if he wasn’t sure what to say next, and then continued. “Your mother needed to return to Canada. Why do you ask?”

“I’m planning my winter vacation and I saw it on the map. I got a major Christmas bonus this year and am thinking of making my yearly trip to the tropics a little more of an adventure.

“Ahhhh, okay.”

“Dad is something wrong? I can hear you hesitating.”

“No, no, there’s nothing wrong. It’s actually a beautiful place and the people there are wonderful! I just don’t think you should tell your mother. I wouldn’t want her to be worrying about you. To be honest, I’d love to find out how the college is doing. Let me know if you decide to go. I’ll send you the contact numbers. But don’t tell Mom until you get back. You know how she is.”

After the call ended, the phrase “don’t tell Mom” continued ringing through Ashley’s mind. This was weird. Yes, she knew how her mother was: constantly worrying and then sinking into depression. But that didn’t mean they kept things from her. She couldn’t remember a time when her father had ever said something like this to her. What was it about Dominica that led to this level of secrecy? It was so unlike how she had been brought up. One thing for certain, it made taking this trip even more intriguing. She turned on her laptop and typed in Dominica Tourism.

Ashley finally picked up the phone and called the number her father had given her for the college a week after she arrived on the island. She had spent the first seven days playing the role of a tourist and enjoying every minute of it. Her father had been correct, the island was beautiful and the service that she received as a guest was outstanding. Although there were other tourists present, it was nothing like the numbers on the islands she had visited in the past. The highlight of the trip so far had been the hike to the Boiling Lake. It hadn’t been easy. The challenge of facing twenty-two kilometers of steep inclines, uneven terrain, and high temperatures made it likely the toughest thing she had ever done in her life. But swimming under natural hot waterfalls, witnessing the boiling water of the lake and dodging the steaming vents of the Valley of Desolation made it all worthwhile, something she would remember for the rest of her life.

“Hello, this is George Carter.”

“Hello, I’m Ashley Horton. My father Andrew gave me this number. He said you have something to do with the vocational college”.

“Yes, I’m the President. I’ve been waiting for your call.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve been busy enjoying myself as a tourist on your beautiful island. I didn’t realize that Dad would have told you I was calling.”

"No problem. I don’t actually remember your parents myself, but I have heard many stories about them. They are very much respected on campus, so I have been looking forward to meeting you? Are you free for lunch? We could meet at the Palisades Restaurant and decide what else we want to do after we have eaten.”

“Sounds good, what time?”

“How about 12:30. We’ll miss the main crush a noon and have time to relax and get to know each other. It’s on the water. I hope you will enjoy that.”

“I’m sure I will. See you there. Looking forward to it.”

George Carter turned out to be quite different than Ashley had assumed. First of all, he was young; about the same age as her, which was unexpected for anyone already holding the position as a President of a college. Secondly he was passionate; passionate about the college, about Dominica and even more passionate about his students and the rest of the citizens of this country. What’s more, he wasn’t afraid to show it. Lastly, he was the easiest man she had ever talked to in her life. She got so involved in their conversation that she completely forgot to enjoy sitting by the Caribbean Sea. The hours flew by as they moved from one topic to another with ease. In time, Ashley heard herself talking about the hole she had felt all her life, something she had never mentioned to anyone else before.

“It’s almost like half of me is missing,“ she explained. “I have been trying to find out why all my life, trying to find something that will fix it, but nothing has. There are times that I believe that it has something to do with my mother’s depression; that maybe she wasn’t there for me like I needed when I was little, but it doesn’t feel right. And then I thought the urge to come to the tropics had something to do with it, but that hasn’t been the answer either. At least not yet. I keep trying.”

George was listening intently to her. “It must be tough. I can’t say I have any real answers for you but I do have suggestion, if you are interested. I find that when I want to solve a problem it helps to be alone. The college has a retreat center, not a very fancy one, but it gives us a chance to get away from everyone and into nature. No one is using it right now. I could take you out there so that you could be alone to work on this, if you would like. It’s perfectly safe. Remote enough that very few people know about it. We’d have to pack up some grub for you to take along, but that’s about it. You could watch the sunset, have a fire on the beach, hike into the forest or swim in the pond, whatever you want. It’s very secluded. I have a feeling it might help in some way. What do you think?”

“Sounds interesting. The one thing I have never managed to do is to spend time all alone.”

“I was planning to take you on a tour of the college this afternoon, but we can put that off. We can pick up your necessities and some food and head down the boat. I’ll drop you off today and pick you up again on Friday afternoon. There is a reception at the college that evening. A lot of the people from the past will be present. I’m sure they will want to meet you.“

Ashley closed her eyes as she thought about being all alone on the island. It felt good. It felt right. She opened them and smiled at George. “Yes, I think I would enjoy that. Shall we get on our way.”

George was right. Being alone for the two days had been just what she needed. On the first evening, she taken her meal down to the beach and sat there for hours, in complete awe of the beauty she was surrounded by. The next day she had explored, following the trail up into the forest to discover the pond. She spent most of the day enjoying the water. She moved on to another evening on the beach, watching the sun set and listening to the waves pounding on the rocks. All to soon it was almost over. She packed everything up she had brought with her to be ready for George when he returned in the boat, and then headed back to the pond for one last swim.

Ashley climbed up out of the water and took a seat on the rocky ledge. She leaned back against the wall of rock behind her and closed her eyes. The sun felt hot on her face, but she hardly felt it. She needed to know if she was reaching her goal. She had been in Dominica for almost two weeks. She had to admit that she had enjoyed it far more than her other trips, but was it enough? She exhaled slowly, allowing herself to sink deep down into her feelings. The emptiness was still there, enveloping her whole body. Being on Dominica wasn’t the answer either.

She opened her eyes to stare at her reflection in the water and then shook her head in confusion. How could the water reflect her body from this angle? She held her hand up on her forehead so she could see better. Yes, there she was. Clearly reflected in the water. It didn’t make any sense.

The reflection started to move towards her. Startled, she realized it was a real person. A woman. A woman who looked exactly like her. The woman moved closer. “Bonjour”.

“Hello” answered Ashley, wondering if she should get up and run. But where would she go? She was alone until the boat arrived. It was best to stay put and not display any fear.

”Tu me ressembles exactement,” the woman called out.

“I don’t speak French” Ashley replied.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I said you look exactly like me.”

“I know. I thought you were my reflection. But then you moved.”

“What are you doing here?” She clamored up on the rock, dripping, as she stood looking down at Ashley, with a bright smile on her face.

“Getting away from the world, I guess. The college let me use the cabin. They will be picking me up shortly.”

“The college? Oh, I suppose they own it. Well, I’m celebrating my birthday.”

“Your birthday?”

“Yes, my mother used to bring me here every year to celebrate my birthday. She’s been dead a couple of years now, but I still like to come here and remember her. By the way, I’m Michelle Laferti. I live on the Island to the north: Guadeloupe. And you are?”

“Ashley Horton. I’m on vacation from Canada.”

“Canada, wow. The land of ice and snow. You’re a long way from home. Do you mind if I join you?”

“No problem.” As Michelle sat down beside her, Ashley continued “yes, a long way. I prefer the tropics to snow. I vacation here every year.”

“On Dominica?”

“No this is my first time here. I’ve been checking out all the different islands.”

“That’s so neat. I’d love to go to Canada someday. I expect it might be too cold for me.”

“It wouldn’t be a problem if you came in the summer, but then you would miss out on the snow.” Ashley paused and then said “I can’t get over how much we look alike. What birthday are you celebrating?”

“The big 3 0. It’s hard to believe I’ve gotten this far in life already. Time to settle down and get married and have some children.”

“So, you are still single. So am I. I’m 30 too, but six months older than you. My birthday was last summer.”

“I’ve heard that we all have someone who is just like us somewhere in the world, but I’ve never had the chance to prove it. Yet here we are. Michelle from Guadeloupe and Ashley from Canada. Who would have thought!”

“Isn’t there a word for people like us? Toplebanger or something like that?”

“I think the word is doppelganger. From German, I believe. And it may have something to do with haunting each other. Do you think that’s what we will do from now on? Haunt each other.” She chuckled. “I wonder what that haunting might consist of?”

Both woman stared out at the water as they considered the possibilities. The sound of a motorboat approaching broke the silence. Michelle leapt to her feet. “I’d better get going. It’s been nice chatting with you.”

Ashley stood up, “that’s likely my ride. I’ve enjoyed this too. I know we just met but is there any possibility of a hug good-bye before you leave.”

“No problem.” Michelle held up her arms and Ashley stepped into them. As she felt their bodies embrace and their arms tighten around each other, the hole that she had been carrying throughout her life gradually filled in. Unconsciously, she tightened her hug, hoping she might meld their bodies together creating one whole person. But, as they let go and stepped back, she realized that this hadn’t happened. The woman stood before her, as solid and real as she had been before the hug.

The sound of the boat was getting louder.

“Got to go. Maybe next year you can come to Guadeloupe and I can be your tourist guide.” Michelle turned and quickly trotted around the pond, stopping to wave a final goodbye before disappearing into the greenery.

Ashley stood looking at the spot Michelle had disappeared into for several minutes, before she realized, with a start, that she needed to get ready to leave the cabin. She hurried back to the beach where George was just approaching in the boat. Together they packed up the few things she had brought with her, launched the boat and headed back to the college for the reception.

“So how was it?”

Ashley stared at the water, lost in thought about the woman by the pond and the impact of her hug on her body.

“So how was it,” George repeated.

Startled, Ashley turned to look at George. “Sorry. It was okay. A couple of strange things, but all in all a good experience. On the first night I woke up, overcome with a sense fear and loneliness. I switched on my cell phone to use as a flashlight and noticed that the time was 12:48. I couldn’t see anything to be afraid of, so I pulled the covers up over my head and went back to sleep. The strange thing about it is that it happened on the second night, too. At exactly the same time: 12:48. I’d love to know what that was about. And then this woman showed up this afternoon by the pond. She said she was celebrating her birthday. The strange thing was that she looked exactly like me. I thought she was my reflection at first and then later, while talking, it felt like I was looking in mirror. I’ve never experienced anything like that before.”

“Really, I would have loved to have seen her. One of you is great. Two would be, like wow!”

“She left as soon as we heard the boat coming. I think she might have been worried about trespassing. She didn’t seem to know the college owned the cabin.”

“The feeling of emptiness. Did this help at all?”

“I don’t think so. I checked it just before I saw the woman in the pond and it was there, as strong as ever.” Ashley didn’t want to reveal the impact the hug had had on her. To feel whole had been so good, but it hadn’t lasted. It was gone as quickly as the woman had disappeared into the forest.

“Ah, That’s too bad. I was hoping that my intuition would have been correct. That the cabin held the answer.”

“Well, it doesn’t seem so, although I did come up with one strong sensation. It left me with the perception that the emptiness is not about me, but something outside of me. Just what it can be, I don’t know. I had never thought like that before.”

“Well, here we are,” George commented as the pulled up to a small dock beside a path leading up through the trees. ”Are you ready to meet a few strangers?”

“I guess so,” Ashley replied, as she stepped out of the boat. “If they are anything like my parents, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

The reception was held in the diningroom of the college. It wasn’t that big a space, and soon it was filled with a group of people, all talking and laughing together. George took Ashley around the room, introducing her to one couple after another, until they came to a woman who hugged before she even had time to share her name, exclaiming “I was your mother’s best friend. I’ve missed her so much” She stepped back and looked into Ashley’s face. “How are you? I remember the day you were born. We were all so excited and then….” her voice trailed off slightly for a bit and then, looking deep into Ashley’s face, she repeated “how are you?” Her face crumpled, as if she was about to cry. She pulled her eyes away from Ashley’s and glanced wildly around the room. “Oh, there’s Cynthia. I need to talk to her" as she rushed off.

Ashley moved closer to George and whispered. “What’s going on? Why is everyone looking at me so strangely? Is something wrong with my appearance?”

“No, it’s definitely not that. You look fine. I’m not sure.”

“It’s all the older people who knew my parents. They look like they are about to cry, so sad for me.”

“I know, I didn’t expect this. Oh, here is my grandfather. He was the first president of the college and the reason I have the job now. Maybe he can explain it. But first I want to warn him about the woman. I don’t like the idea of someone hanging around the cabin like that.”

An older man approached them with a smile on his face. George formally introduced them. “Gideon Carter, may I present to you Miss Ashley Horton. Ashley, my grandfather.”

Gideon took her outreached hand between both of his and held it tightly.”Ashley,” he said, “I am so delighted to meet you again. It’s been a long time, too long, You’ve grown into such a lovely woman. Welcome back to Dominica. Now excuse me,” as he turned to George. “I hear you want to talk to me.”

“Yes. As you know I took Ashley to the cabin for a couple of days of alone time. While she was there, she was accosted by a woman. This woman didn’t seem to know anything about the college and ran when she heard the boat coming. I think we need to check things out, maybe keep a better eye on it for the safety of everyone who spends time out there.”

Gideon turned and looked at Ashley with a questioning face.

She nodded to confirm what George had said and then added “and the strangest thing about it was that she looked exactly like me.”

“Exactly like you, you say. Exactly?” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a cell phone. “Call Andrew.” The phone rang. Ashley heard her father answer.

“Andrew, I think we have found her.”

“Ashley? I know she is in Dominica. So, you finally got to meet her?”

“Not Ashley, Andrew. Yes, she is here with me. But not her, Alyssa.”

“Alyssa, after all this time.”

“Yes, Gideon turned his back to Ashley and started giving Andrew the details that he had heard from George. According to Ashley, she looks just like her. You know what day it is today”

“Of course.”

“Well, she said she was there celebrating her birthday. It has got to be Alyssa.”

“No,” said Ashley, “she said her name was Michelle Laferti. She lives on Guadeloupe.”

Ashley turned to George and mouthed “who is Alyssa?”

He mouthed back “Haven’t a clue.”

Gideon was still talking to Andrew, now making plans for him to fly to Dominica as soon as possible. Finally, he said good-bye.

“Who is Alyssa?” Ashley demanded.

“She is your twin sister,” stated Gideon. “Your identical twin sister. You looked so much alike when you were babies that all of us had trouble telling you apart, even your parents. She was stolen when your parents took you out to the cabin. You were all sleeping. When your parents woke up in the morning Alyssa was gone. We searched and searched and searched for her to no avail. Your mother was so worried she was going to lose you too, she had to leave. It was such an awful time for us all. We were heart broken. To be honest, we have never forgotten. Never stopped looking. Now it looks like you may have found her.”

“This can’t be. Why have I never been told about this?”

“We were protecting your mother, or at least trying to. She was absolutely devastated.”

“My mother? But what about me?”

Gideon held out his hands in supplication. “Telling you would be one more open door to her memories. There were far too many of them already for her to deal with.”

“But she can’t be my twin sister. It’s impossible. She said that she was celebrating her birthday today. My birthday was six months ago.”

“Ashley, today was the day that your twin sister was taken.”

Ashley took a deep breath as she thought about the everything she was learning. It was beginning to make sense. She closed her eyes, remembering how the hug had filled her up for the first time in her life. They were right. She had found her sister, her twin sister. A sister she never knew she had.