Like Letters Written in The Sand

"I won't lie, I'm quite nervous about going home today. I don't know if I'm ready.“

Anna-leis looked at Clarence pleadingly. She knew he couldn't give her all the answers, but he could give her encouragement.

Anna-leis, they wouldn't let you go home if you weren't ready.” He smiled, gently squeezing her hand. She was glad she wasn't alone. But tonight she would be alone, which scared her. Clarence and she hadn't married yet, there wouldn't be any living together until they married, they had both agreed. However, she struggled with the idea of being alone.

As she wrapped a blanket around herself, she felt self-conscious about her appearance. Clarence only saw Anna-leis' radiant beauty.

Why was she blind to her own beauty?

“Anna-leis, you are the strongest, most beautiful woman I know, the one I will marry. I am confident that you can do this.”

In addition to helping her pack up her belongings, Clarence kissed her on the top of the head, telling her he would be driving her home. There was no way he would let her call an Uber, not after all she had been through.

It isn't necessary for you to drive me home. There is so much you have already done for me."

Anna-leis, I wish to do these things for you. It's not about having to, it's about wanting to."

“Right now, I need to figure out how to do things for myself."

"I don't like depending on others." Anna-leis said softly. "It's different with you Clarence, but it's still not easy."

"I've known that about you forever." Clarence said softly. However, sometimes even the best of us need help.“

"I never imagined that I would become a double amputee."

"I know Anna-leis and I wish I could have prevented you from being hurt."

Anna-leis reached out to grab Clarence's hand. "I know you would have protected me if you could, but this was something no one could have protected me from."

“I just want you to be okay Anna-leis, and I want you to know that I will be there for you in times of need.”

Clarence grabbed Anna-leis's box of cards and knick-knacks, which she had accumulated while she was in hospital, as well as the roll-on suitcase that he had bought her. He would take out a suitcase for her, and she carried a stack of papers that she needed to fill out for outpatient therapy on her lap, something she knew she needed to strengthen. Even though Anna-leis knew that no amount of physical therapy could give her her legs back, she would do all that she could to remain independent and strong.

“I am as ready as I can be.” Anna-leis said as they left the hospital room that had been her home for the last three weeks, of which one week was spent in a drug-induced coma. She woke up a week later to find that both of her legs had to be amputated above the knees.

She stared down at the blanket covering her lamp, at the empty space where her legs had once been, unable to stop the silent tears from flowing down her cheeks.

“You've kept that bottled up for too long.” Clarence said gently, looking at the woman he loved, her cheeks stained with tears. As he assisted her into his car, he gently folded the wheelchair and placed it neatly on the back seat.

After settling into the front passenger seat, Anna-leis put her head back on the headrest.

"I'm staying until I'm sure you're okay." Clarence gently assured her. “There's no need for you to be alone right now.”

She didn't argue because she didn't want to be alone right now.

“I’m sorry.” Anna-leis said.

"You don't have anything to apologize about Anna-leis. You need to grieve.”

As they approached her home, she nodded. Three weeks have passed since she last walked out the door of her Home. She never would have known then that what was supposed to be a simple trip to the grocery store, and home improvement store, would result in buying the new massage shower head that she'd been eyeing, but never got installed. Instead, a shower chair sat in her bath/shower combo, so she wouldn't be able to hide her surgical scars or amputations with blankets. As hard as it was, she would have to face reality.

"There's a small in-law's cottage, a converted shed with everything you need, I'd like you to stay there at least for tonight." Even though you wouldn't be staying with me, you'd be close, and I need you near.“

”I'll stay in the in-law corridors, in case you need me."

Nodding in gratitude, she thanked Clarence for his support.

Copyright Michelle R Kidwell

July.22.2022

Revised November.21.2024