Life-Saver, Arrow-on-the-Clock, Refuge, Nostalgia, Sunset and Lively

Mister Life Saver,

Word got out that we started spending more time together. It was already decently out there, but it went to an extreme this time. I should've expected that, -- this town is known for gossip superiority -- but I didn't, and when that got out there, my girlfriend wouldn't leave me alone. She wouldn't even give me space, and awkwardly, we didn't have a duo anymore.

We had a trio. After all the crap-load of freedom that she allowed herself to have, that completely gave up the idea of promises between the two or us, she had the audacity to follow me around like some duckling as if I'm the source of the problem.

I think that if she would have shown me the love that I deserved, I wouldn't have been longing for it from someone else to begin with. She showed me everyday we weren't meant to be, but once I contributed to that category she couldn't deal with it.

And maybe I shouldn't complain about that. I basically asked for it, I know. I lacked any amount of maturity. I was young, stupid, and naive and I was too afraid to break a relationship that didn't benefit her or me. Because of that, you had to suffer with me. I don't know if this is wrong or not, but that's really the most major thing I regret about it. That I dragged you down.

Who cares how much I suffer anyway? As long as it's not you. Yet I lived contradictory to that, didn't I?

We got up that morning and headed to a swimming hidden out up in the mountains. I was a passenger with my girlfriend this time, who used the excuse that I had wounds on my skin still not done healing, that she wanted to blame you for, just to keep me away from you. It felt like overkill, even if it wasn't.

I can't say whose idea it was to head up there, but it's just what happened, and when it came up I guess all of us went along with it. The moment I saw the destination, I thought it was too splendid to spend time around it the way we were. It was made for something special like a honeymoon get-away, and for the times I was experiencing I didn't feel I deserved to be this blessed.

Kind of how it was like to meet you for the first time. Funny how I can still focus on you that much for what the situation was, and I should probably feel sorry. I don't. Not after what came next.

When sat up against the wall of the pool in the shallow end everything changed. That awe vanished entirely. I wasn't really up for anything, and I was lacking energy more than usual. I felt trapped, and like I never had a choice in how I wanted to live my own life. I realized then at a whole different intensity that this relationship I was in was killing me slowly.

That girl must've seen that look all over my face, and it angered her somehow. I could see the potential of how this could unfold before it did, especially when she gave you one harsh, painfully motivated glance, but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't move.

And right in front of you, she kissed me. Deep, full of lust rather than love, full of madness and fury rather than kindness, full of proving a point rather than care, and I refused to kiss her back. I wouldn't dare. Not when I could see her intentions so clearly.

So I searched for help. Any stranger or not, that could see the pleading in my eyes to get this woman away from me, as she skimmed her fingers down my body where I didn't want to be touched.

For a while, you didn't do anything, even though you saw what happened, and I know that's because you knew what she was doing was to make you angry and you knew stepping in would fuel her ego even hotter than it already was, but eventually you couldn't take it anymore, and you did step in no matter what it costed.

The woman was happy, alright. She stepped away with a flip to her hair and a skip to her walk that could be seen despite the water up to her waist.

Worst of all, she was smirking.

Your face fell. Your heart must've shattered in a million pieces, and as shattered as mine already was from what I consider to be abuse, it found way to shatter so much more to see that expression you omitted.

You hated other lips on mine, but more than that you hated that I got taken advantage of.

Did you wonder what I did? If it would've been different to the onlookers if the genders were reversed?

Well, that's not what's the most important, in the time being. The important thing is I'm thankful that you saved me. I'm thankful that you caught the look on my face when no one else did. I'm thankful that your politeness tolerated my happiness until you were certain that she was overstepping boundaries.

I'm thankful that you did that for me more than you did it for yourself.

I hope you know that.

-C.L

-

Mister Arrow on the Clock,

It's a lot to comprehend when you think about all the things people have told you growing up, that sound so insanely unbelievable or senseless at the time. There's some things that you simply don't get the full gist of until you experience it yourself. Things that you didn't want to experience. Things that you wish you can change.

Adults like to tell certain quotes to us when we're kids, and it must stay in the back of our heads, buried underneath the mathematical equations we had to remember in high school at least until our exams, the several song lyrics we somehow have memorized or whatever else. When the time finally comes for it to be understood it jumps back up to the top of our brains.

"It's just life," many have told us when we were only kids in the single digits. "It'll be over before you know it," and we didn't believe them, did we? For what the moments were, we let ourselves be convinced that our time goes on forever, and it hits us real hard when we find out that numbers might go on and on and on and on, but the time between our fingertips doesn't. It ends before we can snap.

We didn't even realize that in our time. We were so certain in our next time I don't think we had more faith in anything else. The idea was such a no-brainer, we let ourselves think that soon enough it's going to come. We didn't have any barrier in our way from thinking otherwise, that we let ourselves dawn on it and hold onto what the future can hold.

It's not like it was wrong to do that. We had all right to hope for the day that we'd see each other again. We had reason to long. Our paths crossed and we clicked. Why wouldn't we?

There was no reason to think that our time was limited. It didn't cross either of our minds that life is as fragile as people say it is and we didn't think twice about it flying by way too fast. We were too busy enjoying the now to worry about what terrible end would come between us and interrupt an unfinished story. Heck, we didn't even think there to be a 'terrible' end. It wasn't in our vocabulary.

I've come to learn that the adults were right. Life isn't as bulletproof as we like to believe it is, and when it proves to be fragile and easy to break, it's us in ourselves that have to hang back and pick up the pieces. It's us that have to remain strong and act like our fingers are cut up from the shards.

Life doesn't pick up the pieces it breaks.

I wish I could get this across to every person out there younger than me, but I know that each and everyone of them are going to process it the exact same way that I did when I was a kid.

But I get it now, because I had to lose you, you'll have so many regrets if you don't live in the moment.

If only I would've known better while your clock was still ticking.

When the arms of your clock didn't break down.

When they were still on the move.

-C.L.

-

Mister Refuge,

The event at that swimming pool turned into a mess later on, and in some way the blame got turned on me. It seems the whole city heard about it and the moment they'd see my face that's the only thing they could connect it to. They didn't have to have known me before. It could be our first meeting or not even -- we could coincidentally be crossing paths and they just knew it once they met my eyes.

Probably in the way I walked.

That woman I'm supposed to be calling mine ruined my life so badly that I couldn't even show my face a step out of my own home. Fame wasn't a goal of mine to begin with, but it's common sense that nobody would want it in this way. She didn't even attempt to apologize either or offer some sort of explanation, and that wasn't the worst part at all.

I'm used to that coming from her.

Some of my own relatives gave up with associating with me. They didn't want to be known as someone related to someone whose an apparent monster as I was, and the social aspect I already lacked completely went down the drain. I lost everyone. Not in a we-became-strangers aspect, but in a way that they were entirely on my opposing team. They looked down on me, criticized me, and were disappointed in me when they didn't even know the whole story.

They didn't want my clarification, either.

But you weren't like them, and right at that second I had all the proof I needed to know that blood isn't always thicker than water. You were the only one who stayed on my side despite what everyone else thought of me. You put yourself out there to defend me even if that brought you down too, and you risked everything for my protection and positive reputation.

I would never have the face to ask you to do that, but you did it. You were always on my side, explanation or not. You just trusted that I wasn't the bad person. That things just got out of hand. You were the only person out there that kept me enjoying my vacation, rather than being desperate to go home and hide myself away.

I don't know what I would have done without you, and it's that memory of ours that makes me so happy that one day you found someone that was right for you, even if she wasn't me. I'm so glad that you found someone who cherished you for who you were and put everything she had to make things work.

I said it before and I can say it a thousand times, the two of you deserve each other.

Forever and ever, I will always value how you made a situation intolerable for me forgettable, and how you help me to enjoy the remainder of my stay almost as if nothing happened.

The world needs more people like you.

I can't believe we were allowed to lose you.

I don't get how the world still spins.

I mean that.

-C.L.

-

Mister Nostalgia,

I'm not the type of person that's very good at sitting and reflecting on the past, but I've gotten too good at it as of recently. I didn't know I had it in me. Then there's situations that arise that turn everything around, and I have become literal proof of that.

It's nearly three o'clock in the morning, and I haven't fallen asleep. It's not because I don't want to, either. My whole body aches with exhaustion, my head is spinning and I'm beginning to feel nauseous, but no matter what I do my finger keeps scrolling through the memories we had of us. It hits me harder everyday. It's official now. These pictures are all we have, and that's what defines that we, together, only exist in the past.

There's no possible future between us, in any shape or form, and so it comes to me; it's among these very images that we take our last photo together. We had no idea at the time, but it ended up being that way.

In a million years, I wouldn't have thought to come to the conclusion that in the three seconds we time down to pose for the camera shutter, our feet poised only inches away and our smiles not needing to be faked for one of the only times we fight through our lives, that we'd be experiencing a 'last' of anything.

But there we were, oblivious to it all.

In person, I remember our last time like the camera shutter just went off. Behind us, the waves were crashing ever so peacefully, and lightly it started to rain. Your hair was wet from the salt water of the beach, your hands placed formally in front of you like you had to think hard to keep them to yourself. There was a small slither of space between us, and to close that gap we were both leaning into each other's direction.

It was a quick minute of beauty. Everything was perfect -- like one of those videos on the internet that people watch for no reason besides personal satisfaction and aesthetic. Once you catch a glance of it, you'd never want to leave it, and now that I know that it would be the last time, I don't want to leave it even more.

Besides that, we did have another photo you didn't know about. After I went back home to my hometown, you reached an achievement that I couldn't miss for the world. I might not have been able to see you in person to celebrate it with you face to face, but long distance, we have proof of being together. I had to celebrate it with you somehow, even if that was the very most I could give.

I spent that 'last time' being so proud of how far you've come and grown. I was happy that finally I got to hear your voice again after only being able to share text messages for a good period of time. You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I applauded for you until my hands stung and my eyes started to tear up.

I thought I'd tell you about that when we met next time.

I was so ready to see you again.

And I still am, if I could.

Firsts were fantastic, and the lasts were a disaster. Pictures tell my story.

Pictures hide my pain.

-C.L.

-

Mister Sunset,

The last thing you told me before I left your country is to keep in good spirits. You said to only follow after things that made me happy and proud of myself, and you said I deserved that even though I didn't.

I promised you that I would, but I broke it right after I said that because on the way to the airport it wasn't you that came with me. It was my girlfriend or whatever I'm supposed to call her. By this point, I brought up ending our relationship, and she agreed too. She said she understood. No tears. No pain. Just pure understanding and head nods. Then, to make a statement, she was holding my hand the whole car ride.

I couldn't get her away. I was too weak. Too nice. I tried to. I finally developed the strength and the courage to stand up for myself. But because no matter what I did seemed to make her try harder, and because the more I fought it the more my blood boiled, I couldn't bring myself to tell you anything about it. I had to get through at least one battle by myself. If I made you carry all my burdens, I'd only regret more today.

With my luck, it'd only backfire on me if I said a word of the truth.

Tears swelled up in my eyes when I arrived to the airport, but it was only the thought of you that made me want to stay. Everything else made me want to run away. Literally everything, or at least it felt like it, but your presence and aura was stronger than all of those things even if you weren't in my eyes reach.

That's when I couldn't be more sure that I had something for you, and deep down in the pit of my stomach I knew it was a lot more than a simple, basic love. As I entered those airport doors and I waved goodbye to clutter of people who brought me there, all I could think about was you. How it pained me to have to leave you behind and how I longed to get back as soon as I can to see you again.

I had so many fears pinned into a single time frame, and I felt firsthand that in reality there's no such thing as editing things out. Every fright that comes along has to be dealt with and breathes in individually.

I was terrified of what time would do to us, because it always tends to intervene into what feels good and right. I was terrified because I was certain that when I go away you'd find someone better than me, and you'd probably one day laugh that you let your heart break and shatter for me -- and as happy as I would be that you're happy, I'd ask myself "what if" every single night. I was terrified that my mistake as a naive child was going to ruin what my future was meant to hold.

I knew it, even at a young age, and I haven't changed my mind looking back on it -- that I really let my soulmate go. I don't really believe in that kind of thing, but I don't know what else to call you. It fits perfectly for the situation, for what we could've been.

And I knew that for years I would miss you.

I didn't know that I'd miss you forever.

I didn't know I'd be this empty.

I didn't know that you'd disappear.

-C.L.

-

Mister Lively,

We ended on the worst of terms. Or, maybe it wasn't necessarily the worst, but it could've been so much better and so much more of a story where neither of us broke in half and bent over backwards. It hurts knowing we had so much potential and yet we didn't live up to it, and honestly, I'd give up every area in which I succeeded my potential if it meant that I can live my potential with you.

If only the short hours I had all of you lasted longer than they did. When we first met each other, and upon those glances falling into a trance within each other's worlds, I found home where I didn't know I had a place. In a universe where I was never accepted, and considered different everywhere I went, I found a roof above my head with you where I was cherished for the person I was, rather than someone that I pretended to be.

I was content. I was satisfied. I felt to belong, and it's like God answered my prayers, providing me with everything I've been searching for.

Then, I had most of you. I told you I was already reserved to someone who didn't act to want me, and who I got tired of wanting too. Mentally and emotionally, I saw you take a step back, whether you were in front of me or not. I forced distance between us when I could've been upfront and I could've asked for time.

The distance between us spread and widened, and soon enough I only had some of you. We were friends, we got along, but inside of our chests both of us knew it wasn't what we wanted, and the longer we let it go on this way, we grew exhausted wishing for more than we were allowing ourselves to get. We felt deprived and our hunger grew more intense.

We starved ourselves emotionally, continuously teasing ourselves for what should have come so much sooner and what I was too late to grab a hold of.

It was a given when I lost grip of you even more, and I only had a little of you. The barrier I put up between us forced you to move on when I hadn't even moved on myself yet. We cared about each other, we valued our friendship, but you learned to survive without chatting with me everyday, when I received the karma of what I did to you, aching for you to think about me and want me.

But at least it was something. At least I knew you were okay and well and that you were being taken of. I knew you were healthy. I knew you were striving and knocking down every single one of your goals like dominoes.

Unexpectedly the day came I had none of you. Nobody had any of you, and it's only then we all wake up and realize we should've taken the opportunities we had with you when we had them.

Slowly and gradually I went from having all of you to having absolutely nothing.

I've become a sinner.

I took you for granted.

And the longer that sits in my head, I can't help but to hate my heart and my mind for failing me in the worst of ways.

-C.L.