Life's Messy - Clean It Up

Remember, we’re all pulling for you.

That means nothing but a load of horse’s dung, when it’s only MY life on the line!

Of course it was me knocking on the door of the most evil wizard of our time. Not because the Council decided I was the best choice to defeat them, oh, no. Not because the Council literally begged me to do this, knowing they stood no chance. Not because they offered a completely staggering life-changing reward, which of course I will take anyway if I win.

But because I’m curious.

I wanted to see what the most evil wizard looked like. Maybe sit on their chair, see how they liked it.

They were neat. And clean. And tidy. Not a speck of dust, not a hint of clutter.

Remember, appearances are deceiving! You must be wary of their seeming, it is a lie!

Whatever. I don’t see your skin in this deadly game.

“Soo, you’re the Council’s champion, come to defeat me?”

I shrugged, looking around. Extraordinarily pristine. The air reeked of cleaning solutions and lawn care residue.

“Then why are you here?”

“I heard you were the most evil wizard. I wanted to see what that looked like.”

“Like this.” They gestured grandly – at nothing.

“So, all your magic spells are simply advertising? That you yourself believe in, as well?”

“Look at what I’ve done! You must buy poison to keep your yard neat! You must buy products to mask, bind, cover yourself, to be pleasing to others! You must buy other poisons to keep vermin out of your domain! You are crippled by my subtle might, you cannot escape my will!”

Please! You must not be dissuaded by their wiles and charms!

I shrugged again.

The workout I had done in preparation for this battle must have heated up my armor, because I could see a waft of eye-searing miasma reached their nostrils. They choked, and gasped out the beginning of a spell: “Old Spice means quality, said the Captain to the Bosun…”

I quickly pulled out the full vacuum bag I’d been hiding in my magic cloak, and swung it hard, spilling its contents all over the floor and walls.

“AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!”

Not so much evil, as fastidious to an extremely unhealthy degree, and dragging every other being they could into the obsessive pit with themself. It was all marketing – evil, yes, but defeatable.

I was sorely tempted to create more chaos by batting those huge hairy dust balls around, but I refrained mightily. I took a chance, made a strange gesture, and began an odd chant of my own: “Don’t squeeze the Charmin!”

Strips of white paper came whirling around to bind them, tripping them. Easy to break at first, but more and more came. I closed my eyes, because the urges were almost too much to bear.

They’re doing it! They’re doing it!!

I heard a muffled whisper: “Plop plop fizz fizz…”

Ohhh no you don’t!

“My bologna has a first name!” These smelly, meat-like circles dropped into my hands, and I wrinkled my nose at the additives. But they were sticky, and I flicked them one by one at their head, and the whisper got strangled and choked by the clingy substance.

Ugh. All right, perhaps some cleaning substances are acceptable. I checked to make sure my foe was well and truly vanquished, then gestured again. “How do you spell ‘relief?’”

Ugh!

Yes, well, that was a mistake. Now everything was wet, soaking, and fizzy.

Time to leave.

Should have used the “Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too” spell to clean up that mess, would dissolve it all in a jiffy pop….

That’s some excellent deduction there, genius, by a wizard who isn’t even here!

And, very quietly, I had a private thought: I’m so very, very glad, that they didn’t know my most powerful weakness, or all would be lost.

As I left, I decided to cover up the mess, make it easier to contain the madness. I gestured again, muttered “You deserve a break today,” and the house collapsed in on itself. It sealed everything within. I turned to go, and a thing wrapped in yellow wax paper plopped in front of me.

Carefully, I unwrapped it. A cheeseburger.

I ate it. Not terribly bad, though I dropped the vegetable contents with distaste.

Behind me, a dandelion bloomed in the yard. A creeping vine ventured across the cement.

In my mind, I heard sighs of envy, contentment, jealousy, relief. One by one, the Council presences in my mind winked out.

Oh, what a relief it is…

I walked home, resisting the urge to saunter.

And one I was inside, within my own magic protections, I let my true form emerge.

I would never tell the Council.

Satisfaction brought me back.

But, now knowing a new magic, I can eat well!

“Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow….”