Life

Content Warning: Deals with themes of grief and suicide.

I frowned and looked down at the picture in my hands. It wasn’t right. Nothing was right. Maybe it wouldn’t ever be right again.

My whole life had gone down the tubes. It was over. It would never be the same again.

I tore my eyes away from the picture and stared out the window of the cabin. Everyone told me that I should never go back to the scene of their death, but I felt like I needed to. I needed to surround myself with the grief so I could understand it and what it was doing to me.

I had been a broken woman for years.

But I couldn’t go back in winter. I just couldn’t make myself do it.

As I stared out over the water, the clear, sparkling, ripples on the surface of the lake I still saw it as it was more than a decade before.

I blinked.

They were there, standing on the surface of the lake. It was frozen again. Cold as ice. I could see my breath in front of my face.

They approached.

I fought back a scream. Ghosts of the past were coming back to haunt me.

They surrounded me.

“Mama?” The soft whimpered voice brought tears to my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright.” A deep baritone. Comforting. Secure. Strong. It was a voice that I had loved. I had listened to it a thousand times. Every recording I could find of it. I hadn’t ever been ready to let go.

“It’s not alright. I can’t do this. I can’t do this without you.” I cried out.

“Mama, Daddy is here with me.” The soft voice of a worried child.

I choked back a sob as my heart broke again. Everything was broken. I fell to my knees.

A hand on my shoulder. They were trying to comfort me. They wanted me to feel better. But I couldn’t move on. I couldn’t push on. I couldn’t keep going. It was why I had come out there. I glanced over at the bedside table. A gun shone there.

“Don’t.” My husband’s voice. “Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you here yet.”

“I can’t do this.”

“Mama. It’s fine.” A gentle tug at my shirt.

I reached out. Wrapped my arms around the ghosts from the past. Tears fell through the ghost, but I could feel the heat of her body. She made me feel human again.

But I knew I couldn’t give in to their demands. I wanted to be with them. This was my way to say goodbye. That night on the frozen pond had taken my entire life away. I couldn’t keep going on. They wanted me to live. But I didn’t want to live in a world without them.

“You can start a new family.” My husband’s voice was sad. “You don’t have to do this.”

“It’s too late. I came here to join you.”

“You don’t have to join us out here. You’ll be here soon enough. But you can keep us alive.” He begged me.

But I couldn’t do it. I tore myself away from the ghosts and walked over to the gun on the counter. “Does it hurt?”

The ghost frowned at me. My husband holding my daughter close to his side. “It does.”

“You should take her back to the lake.”

“Why?”

“She shouldn’t see this. She shouldn’t see my body.” My daughter was a ghost, or maybe a hallucination, but I couldn’t make her witness what was about to happen to me. I didn’t even know if she was there or not.

He walked away. Through the door. I watched him walk back to the lake through the window.

I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t do it. I held the gun in my hands. I had time to make the decision again. To be sure that was what I wanted to do. It was so hard to decide what to do.

More tears. There would only be more tears. But was it worth fighting past that? Could there be more to my life after all of this? I didn’t know for sure.