Letter to You

Granddaughter.

Never forget that day.

Forget all they told yea ‘bout your conditions. What with your heart transplant and severe asthma, and all they told yea about how yea wouldn’t amount to a hill of beans. Or them classmates that harassed yea in gym class for your inequities, and them sordid afternoons I would pick you from school with that long face and sadness enough to fill a lagoon. You’re better than all them ungrateful shitheads, and here’s why.

Squirt had you picked from the moment I got him from the county market. Little piglet with his big eyelashes and beady eyes. Pointed, ornery, smart. Smart enough to choose you as his number one person. He loved you to pieces and you loved him back. We set him up with that little bed of straw in the old barn that Grampa had built way-back-when with wood slats tore from the old fire hall. Squirt always sought refuge in that lil home of his, and it mostly did him well.

Then came that wicked hot summer afternoon. The sky goin' supernova and that funnel cloud was spreadin’ its shadow over the farm. We saw that cone and I grabbed you to get in the house, down to the cellar, when you saw Squirt scurryin’ through the coral toward the barn. I told yea he was seekin’ refuge, and that we couldn’t get to him in time, but you slipped out from under me and ran across the yard to go get him.

I can’t recollect ever bein’ more afraid in my life. I watched that cone set down just a kilometre out, kicking dust in a maelstrom, rumbling the earth like a locomotive. You ran like hell-fire, girlie. I chased you but my old damn legs don’t work like they used to. I wasn’t aware you could run like that. They always told us your lungs wouldn’t handle it. But off you went, into that goddamn barn and by bloody hell yea got Squirt and come runnin’ back out across the yard with him flailing in your arms like a thick muscle bound salmon.

I saw the cone coming up behind the barn just then, and it was suddenly like time stood still. I’ve never seen anything like that in my life. I stood halfway across the yard, and like seeing Jesus walk across water, I watch you with Squirt in your arms runnin’ afoul just ahead of that frickin’ tornado.

I wish all them shitheads at school coulda seen yea right then. They wouldn’t have believed their eyes.

I stood there spellbound until you're instantaneously runnin' past me, and just as I turned, I heard the barn behind us groan. I looked back to see it get swarmed up into the twister and brought up into the sky. By god, granddaughter, it woulda been the death of Squirt and you.

We got inside the house and down the cellar where we listened to the chaos above. I remember a great dark fear hammering through my heart, mouth dry. I didn’t think I was gonna make it.

That was so stupid of yea. Just plain stupid like the rest of your stupid family. Me included. You runnin’ out there playin’ chicken with a tornado was the single dumbest thing I’ve ever seen anyone do. I can’t even think to tell anyone cause of just how stupid it was.

But it was also brave. You saved a life. Squirt woulda been taken up along with that ol’ barn, and all them slats.

Those tears you saw in my eyes after, you mighta thought they were cause I was angry with yea. Maybe especially cause I didn’t say much else for the rest of the day. But kiddo, I was a whole kinda messed up inside. I wasn’t mad at you. Not one bit. Them tears were about how incredibly strong I realized you were. And no doubt remain to be. Especially given your defects. But recognize that them defects also created a monstrous fire inside of you. Right deep in there, a place them defects can't reach.

Be though as it may, you and me gotta keep this between us, cause otherwise your mother will never let you come see me again, and I’m not sure this ol pearl can take that.

I know I got my demons. And my parents probably had no business having children knowing just how piss poor they raised us. But if our being here was to get you here, then the worlds a better place for it. I'm sure Squirt can attest.

Love Gramma

Summer ‘94