Let The Roots Grow

-Things always start simply. A look from across the room, or accidental touch in passing with an apology exchanged without second thought, without deeper meaning. Nothing that was ever supposed to be more than a dull surface level interaction feigning cordiality in a world that thrived from it.

Things start simply, but then they change- you lock eyes again, notice a subtle limp when they walk and then you're talking, digging into the dirt aimlessly as you talk about how boring the party you're both at is-and something solidifies. It plants roots into the ground, ones that start from your feet and grow, up to the heavens and and down to the pit's hell itself. It sprouts flowers and thorns, branches that curl around your lungs and poisonous fruit that destroy your insides but leave you begging for more- addicted. You can't do anything but let it happen, because when those roots reach and tangle with the thing that started so simply. It feels okay.-

Talia stared at her notebook, at the words spewed in sloppy script and set her pen down. Her wrist ached and her eyes burned but it was nothing compared to the heavy weight of anxiety sludging around like black goop in the pit of her stomach.

She had no one else to blame but herself for it, though. It was her fault she went to the party, her fault she noticed the limp and fell to the ground to paw at the dirt. It was her fault she ever thought she could let it be something more.

It would have been, could gave been…but it was her fault it wasn't.

She could still feel the pounding of the bass in her chest, the slide of sweetened alcohol down her throat- the way it burned. She could picture the girl in her mind clear as day, even now. Weeks later. Her wavy brown hair and storm grey eyes- the way she laughed like she didn't care who heard and spoke like her words were paint and the air was her canvas. Talia hadn't even learned her name, didn't find the chance to tell her hers either.

"What the fuck, Talia," She groaned, leaning back in her chair to stare at the ceiling, to analyze the texture like it would melt and shift into the answer of a question she didn't even know in the first place. "Why are you so afraid?"

A voice whispered through the thick brush of her thoughts, one that sounded like hers but held a conviction Talia could only ever wish to possess- to trust.

You know why…because of him.

Talia sighed, bringing her hands to her face to rub at her eyes, to drag down her cheeks like it would erase what thinking about him made her feel.

The reason she was so anxious around new people, the reason she felt kindness was a trick meant to pull her in and trap her. To keep her small and close, to tell her she was worthless without someone to guide her, to love her.

He was something that started simply, sweetly- bright, beautiful blooms that stole her attention and smelled of love and safety. She trusted it so easily.

It wasn't till his roots began to suck the life from hers that she realized he was an invasive species- that his flowers were poisoned and his fruit was rotted- he lived to harm. If it hadn’t been for those around her to tear her from his choking grasp, to mend her wilted flowers, she would have wasted away.

Time and therapy had done their best to remind her that not everyone was like him, she could recognize now when she saw ulterior motives that didn't exist or assumed someone was only kind to her because they wanted something from her, that they would wait for her roots to plant before flipping the switch. She knew it was all a trick her mind played on her to keep her safe, but it didn't make it any easier when that small part of herself was still so afraid. When she was too.

Some days were easier, some days worse but…

Talia hadn't felt that way around the girl, there were no doubts or fear or waiting, just the excitement of something simple and the way it changed.

She remembered the feeling of her back against the wall, the way their shoulders brushed every so often in a way that didn't matter if was on purpose or not.

"Who'd you come with?" The girl asked, sipping from her cup with the scrunch of her nose. Her gaze roamed half-heartedly over the sea of people dancing just a few feet from them, but then they flicked towards Talia, wide and rapt with attention- awaiting her answer.

Talia shifted on her feet, she found Mara across the room at a table in the middle of a game of beer pong and gestured to her, they watched her toss a ball and cheer with the rest of the audience at the outcome. "My roommate, Mara, she comes to these things all the time- managed to drag me along to this one."

The girl hummed, purposely or not purposely bumping their shoulders again, "Not much of a partier?" She said, playful, her fingers tapped against the plastic of her cup, following along to the beat of the music.

Talia smiled, shaking her head. "Not at all, but with finals finished and her yelling around our apartment about summer and experiences I told myself I could handle being a wallflower for the night."

She didn't mention that she used to go out all the time, that her weekends used to be spent nursing hangovers or proudly doing early morning walks of shame out of the home of whoever caught her attention the night before.

It wasn't her anymore.

"Well I'll have to thank her then, being a wallflower kind of sucks when you're alone with nobody to stand against a wall with." When their shoulders brushed this time the pressure stayed, warm through the sleeve of her shirt. Intentional.

Talia felt her face flush, and she hoped the dim lighting of the house disguised it enough to be taken for the alcohol in her system instead of butterflies. She looked down at the girl to find her already looking back, smiling softly like she knew it wasn't.

"Who did you come with?" Talia asked, ignoring the way her stomach flipped like it did when she saw someone tall with dark hair in a crowd or heard a voice that was eerily familiar. Not everyone waited.

The girl tilted her head back and forth, as if contemplating before she motioned the whole house. "I live here actually, my older sibling hates frat parties, so they make it their goal to upstage every time they hear about one. Something about sabotage, too much testosterone and not enough seltzer."

Talia laughed then, imagining a room of frat boys sulking over the fact that they had been overshadowed. The weight in her stomach lifted as she took a drink from her cup. She could feel the girl still looking at her- watched how her smile widened when she looked back.

"I guess it's too late to take back how boring I said the party was." She joked, earning a laugh from the girl and a deeper lean against her side.

"Oh don't worry, I've said it to their face plenty of times. I'm usually in my room during them but I guess the universe didn't want either of us to be alone tonight." Her smile was softer now, resting like it would be there whether or not she wanted it to be.

Talia couldn't help smiling back, feeling it warm her chest in a way she hadn't let herself feel in a painfully long time. "I guess so."

Quiet settled between them, comfortable and easy without the need for anything but the music blasting around them and their eyes on one another. The girl opened her mouth to speak, anyway, offering more because she wanted to.

"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?"

Anyone ever tell you how beautiful you are?

Talia froze, every atom in her body locking up as the words echoed in her head. As the memory of them whispered into her ear by the boy that towered over her and ruined her life tore through the delicate balance of everything she had built, everything she tried to forget or heal from.

She flinched, the plastic cup in her hands felt like led all of a sudden- the music was too loud, people were too close, she felt like she was going to burst from her skin.

The girl turned to face her directly, brows furrowed with worry when she realized something was wrong. But it was too much, too real. Talia could feel her roots trying to pad into soft soil. It terrified her.

So she ran.

Talia released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, shaky and stuttered into the quiet of her room. Her heart pounded in her chest at the memory, anxious and embarrassed but ultimately heartbroken that something as plain as a few familiar words ripped her from what could have been.

The night might have ended with numbers exchanged or an invitation up to the girls room, maybe they'd have stayed up till the sun rose talking about nothing and everything as her roots planted firm and strong with promise. Maybe they would have parted as friends.

Instead she ran before the girl could get another word in, she ran home and cried under her sheets, called her mom to beg for the reassurance that he didn't control her anymore. That he never did in the first place.

Talia stared at her notebook, at her handwriting that read of roots and simple things. She would never know what it could have been, she'd spent weeks wondering and nights alone after turning down Mara's party offers thinking of what she would say if she saw the girl again. If she would say anything in the first place.

"It's not your fault," She said to herself, leaning forward to grab the pen and scribble onto the paper. She thought about the worry on the girl's face before she bolted, the sincerity. The way she reached out. Talia would have loved to bloom flowers and pick them for her. "It sucks but it's not your fault."

She closed the notebook when she was done, grabbing her phone to type into her and Mara's message thread before she walked to her closet, sifting through the array of tops as she waited for a response. It came seconds later in the form of Mara's excited screech through the thin walls of their apartment and the pitter patter of bare feet getting closer to her room.

“You'll actually go with me?!”

Talia smiled, already holding out two options for Mara to pick from when she burst into her room. Her eyes flicked to the notebook as Mara paraded around her room, feeling the change settle in her chest when she thought of the few words. She wasn't ready, she wasn't sure she'd ever be. But simple things always started that way- simply.

-Let the roots grow-