Let's Get Karen

Chapter 1: Karen Ficcanaso

Little Natalie came in from her neighborhood walk. “Dad, what is a peddler’s license?” she asked, setting down her large duffel bag. Her father smiled and said, “why do you ask?” “Mrs. Ficcanaso told me I had to have a peddler’s license to sell my Girl Scout Cookies.”

Ahh, Karen Ficcanaso. She had been making the quaint Park Hill neighborhood miserable since time immortal. Every morning, the old woman stood on her porch in her bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, watching the children head for the bus. (It was no surprise that her name meant “nosy” in Italian.)

“Not one foot on my lawn,” she’d yell. The children would laugh and giggle as they walked by, and occasionally Jayce Thomas would purposely walk the edge of her lawn just to hear her scream.

The Dukes were her next-door neighbors. Rod and Linda Duke had instructed their children not to provoke or tease her. In fact, they had given up on trying to engage in any conversation at all. Karen was just one of those people who had the knack for turning anything positive on its head.

One day, Lisa Duke and her brother Ben were in the backyard setting up a birdfeeder. Of course, Karen was at her back window watching them. They filled it with seed and hung it carefully on the highest branch they could reach. “That looks good,” said Lisa, wiping her hands. “Knock-knock-knock” they heard a rapping at the window next-door.

Karen opened the window and yelled out the screen “You know, the squirrels are going to get into that and have seed strewn all over our yards. That’s going to make a real mess!” The kids ignored her and went into the house.

Over the next few weeks, Lisa and Ben could see Mrs. Ficcanaso in her backyard near the fence with a little, red bucket. They couldn’t tell what she was doing back there. Then, one morning the Dukes awoke to the bucket on their front porch. There was a sparse layer of birdseed in the bottom with a note attached to the handle....

I would appreciate it if you would keep your birdseed out of my yard!

Chapter 2: The Park Hill Menace

Karen Ficcanaso lived alone in her house as she and her husband had divorced years ago. She had a few grown kids, but they rarely visited (which didn’t surprise the neighbors.) The last time her son came to see her, they ended up having a major shouting match on the front porch.

There weren’t many neighbors who would attempt to make conversation with her. One family across the street had tried to take a plate of cookies to her at Christmas but she screamed and yelled that she was diabetic, and they were trying to ‘kill’ her by offering her food laden with sugar.

Nearly every neighbor around Karen had had the police called on them for one reason or another. She was well known at City Hall, and it was even said she had been flagged by the city’s ordinance division because of her endless complaints.

The poor trashmen, milkman and postal workers didn’t escape her wrath, either. She used every opportunity she could to lash out at them for the silliest things. For example: she once chased the trash truck halfway down the street because they wouldn’t take a paper bag that had fallen out of her bin. “She’s worse than that German Shepherd on the next block,” one of the workers quipped.

Mr. Frisco, the mailman tried to tiptoe past her house undetected, but he could never seem to do it. The poor man was half blind, half deaf and could only “hobble” up the narrow street as fast as he could to avoid confronting Karen.

Chapter 3: The Lemonade Stand

It was summer and the weather was hot and sticky. Reesa Morris was setting up her lemonade stand on the corner, three houses down from Karen’s. She set up a cooler which doubled as a chair. As she placed her cups and napkins in a neat row, she struggled to lift the large, glass lemonade decanter and place it on the wobbly table. Of course, Karen was sitting on her porch, watching every move. Soon a car stopped, then another. Lisa and Natalie decided to walk over and buy a cup of lemonade for themselves.

Reesa’s mother came out and began chatting with a few of the ladies who had brought their small children over. No sooner had she began talking than who should they see storming down the street towards them, but Mrs. Ficcanaso.

She began talking and shaking her finger at them before she’d even gotten close enough for them to hear what she was saying. As she got nearer, her talking became louder. “You can’t do this,” she shouted, wagging her finger at the crowd. “You can’t have this here! It’s against city ordinance to have a business set up without a proper license.”

A few of the women snickered and the children just stood, staring at her. Reesa’s mother spoke up. “Mrs. Ficcanaso, a license isn’t needed for a lemonade stand. We’re fine.” As the old woman began to argue with her, Reesa’s father came out of the house. “Just move along, Karen.”

She turned around and stormed off back towards her house, yelling over her shoulder the entire way. “I’m going to call the city about this. You’ll see.”

Chapter 4: Hopscotch on Karen’s Watch

One afternoon, Natalie and Lisa, who were best friends, decided to play hopscotch on the front walk. As they began to draw the boxes with their chalk, Karen walked out of her house with a look of surprise. “What do you think you’re doing there,” she shouted. “We’re playing hopscotch,” Lisa replied. Karen went back into her house and reemerged with a box of baking soda. She walked to the sidewalk and began to pour a long line of soda at the edge of her property.

“There,” she snapped. “You girls are not to cross this line with that chalk. Just stay on your own side,” She drew an imaginary line with her finger from the fence to the curb. As she walked towards her front porch, a mild breeze began to blow, sending the soda flying every which way into the grass and street. The girls couldn’t help but break into laughter as the old woman huffed and puffed her way back into her house.

Soon, it was autumn and time for Ben’s birthday. The Dukes had gotten him a puppy. It was a cute, furry, but yappy little dog. It was kept indoors most of the time but was let out to go to the bathroom and play in the yard. One Saturday, several kids were in the back playing with him. He ran and barked as he tried to get the ball. “Over here, Gizmo,” yelled Ben. He laid on the grass as the furry pup jumped back and forth over him, barking with excitement.

Mrs. Ficcanaso swung her back door open. “I’m going to call the police if you don’t keep that dog quiet!” The children looked at her in silence. “Do you understand me?” she hollered. “No,” smirked Kenny, mumbling into his shirt. They all snickered. Annoyed, Karen went in and dialed 9-1-1.

Chapter 5: Super Bowl Sunday

Super Bowl Sunday had arrived and the Dukes were hosting a party. Several people attended and soon parking became scarce. It seemed the entire neighborhood was clogged with Super Bowl fans all converging on the narrow streets of Park Hill.

Of course, a few of the cars parked in front of Mrs. Ficcanaso’s house, and of course, she didn’t like that at all! Soon, she was at her neighbor’s front door. Linda answered. “Yes, Karen,” she said, exasperated.

“You’re going to have to move all of those cars. That one is blocking my mailbox!” she growled, pointing to Mr. Webb’s truck. “There’s no mail today,” Mrs. Duke assured her. “That’s not the point!” snapped Karen. “That’s my mailbox and that’s MY yard that they are parked in front of.

Rod approached the door. “There’s nowhere else for them to park. They’re on the public street. You don’t OWN the street.”

“Well, I’m going to call the police then.”

“You do that. Good day, Mrs. Ficcanaso.” Mr. Duke slammed the front door and she hurried over to her house to get her phone.

As the guests watched the game, Linda was busy placing platters of meat and cheese on the dining room table. She glanced out the window and noticed a police car parked in the middle of the street. She knelt on the couch and glanced over to Karen’s. An officer stood talking to her from her porch. “Uh, oh, she’s at it again,” she hollered to Rod. He laughed as he joined her at the window. After a few moments, the police officer got in his car and drove away. “I guess she showed us, huh?” Mr. Duke chuckled.

Chapter 6: Karen’s Revenge

After a few hours, when everybody had eaten and relished in the win of their beloved team, they began to get in their cars and head for home.

A few days later, several of the people who had parked their cars at the Dukes’ house began to discover their tires were going flat. Jack, who Mr. Duke worked with, said his tire was completely flat the morning he went out to go to work. He had discovered a small nail in his tire. Soon, others came forward with the same complaint. Rod became suspicious as the only people who had tire problems were the ones who had parked directly in front of Karen’s house.

When Rod got home from work, he got out of his car and walked around the street in front of the old lady’s yard. She, of course, was in her window, watching as he strolled back and forth, scanning the area. As he bent down, he discovered at least a dozen nails strewn out over the street, directly in front of Mrs. Ficcanaso’s. He stood up and stared at her as she returned his look with a devious grin.

“What’s the matter?” Linda asked, as Rod stormed into their house. “I can’t prove it but I think old lady Ficcanaso poured nails on the street so the guys would run over them.” He began to explain about the friends who had parked there and who all seemed to have flat tires now. “Something's gotta be done about that witch!” he announced.

Ben and Lisa had been listening from their bedrooms. Ben walked into Lisa’s room and sat on the bed. “Hey, I have an idea.”

“What?” Lisa asked, laying her schoolbook down. Ben began, “Maybe if we made life so miserable for Mrs. Ficcanaso, she’d pack up and leave. I’m gonna get with Jayce and Kenny later today and maybe we can come up with something.” Lisa grinned and rubbed her hands together eagerly. “Lemme know if I can help,” she said.

Chapter 7: Plan A

Ben, Jayce and Kenny were all about the same age. They attended the same junior high school and rode the bus together. Of course, when they got to their stop, Mrs. Ficcanaso was on her front porch ready to spew her anger for the day. It was rather sad that she didn’t have anything better to do with her time.

The boys decided to meet at Ben’s house to discuss their “problem neighbor.” As they got to his yard, Karen stood up and called out to him. “Young man, please close your mailbox door tightly. It makes the neighborhood look so ‘unkempt’ with your mailbox ajar like that.”

The boys laughed under their breath. “You have it the worst living right next door to her,” smirked Jayce.

They gathered in Ben’s room. Ben lay on the bed as Kenny took a seat at his writing desk and Jayce made himself at home on the video game chair. As they began to discuss how they were going to push Mrs. Ficcanaso out of the neighborhood, Ben’s mom knocked on the door. “Can you do me a favor Ben and go grab the mail?”

“Sure,” Ben replied. “I’ll be right back, guys.”

When he returned, he had a huge grin on his face. “What? What are you grinnin’ for?” asked Kenny, as he thumbed through an old comic book. Ben pulled an envelope out of his back pocket. “Look. It’s hers! They put it in our box by mistake.” He sat on the bed and pushed his thumbnail under the flap.

“What is it?” asked Kenny, taking a seat on the bed next to Ben. “Who’s it from?” The letter was addressed to Karen Ficcanaso from the county Tax office. They had accidentally put the Duke’s address on it instead of hers.

Ben opened the letter and began to read….

Dear Karen Ficcanaso,

You are receiving this correspondence as you have opted out of all electronic or phone call notification methods. Please consider this your initial notice…

“Oh, this is PERFECT!” cried Ben as he finished the letter. “What is it?” the boys asked together.

It was a letter from the tax assessment office, informing Mrs. Ficcanaso that her property taxes were due. “It’s obvious they don’t have her correct address. If we can just get these letters out before my parents do, she won’t pay in time, and she’ll lose her house!”

“But won’t they just call her?” asked Jayce. “Maybe not, since she opted not to get phone calls.” The boys all did a high five. “Yessss, hissed Kenny as he pumped his fists in the air.

“Wait a minute, are you sure you can get to the mail every day?” asked Jayce. Ben said he and Lisa would watch for the mailman so they could get to the box before their mom and dad did. Mr. Duke usually wasn’t home when the postman came, and Mrs. Duke was normally busy in the kitchen at that time. “What about the mailman though, asked Kenny. “He’s bound to notice the mistake sooner or later.”

“Poor Mr. Frisco? Ahh, he’s so blind he probably doesn’t even know which box he’s putting it into!”

Chapter 8: Ben’s Plan Backfires

As the weeks went by, the kids always watched for the mail to come so they could grab it before their parents did. It was another three weeks before a second letter arrived from the tax office for Karen. Ben scurried into his room and opened the envelope. It was a SECOND NOTICE regarding her taxes. Now, there were fees and fines added onto her original bill. Ben snickered, all the while feeling a bit bad. He really didn’t want Mrs. Ficcanaso to lose her home. That was kind of mean.

Another month passed and they had no longer seen any more mail for Mrs. Ficcanaso.

One evening before supper, Ben’s dad came to his bedroom door. “Have you been getting the mail every day, son?” “Yeah, why?” asked Ben. “Mrs. Ficcanaso is here. She said that she received a final notice on her home taxes and discovered the address they had put on the notices was for our address instead of hers. Have you gotten any mail for her?”

Uh oh, Mr. Frisco, the mailman must have noticed the address error.

Ben’s skin began to flush, and he started to sweat, squirming at the glaring question. “Um, I may have accidentally thrown it away.” He swallowed hard, knowing that he had lied. Lucky for Ben, Karen had gotten the final notice in time to save her house. He could have gotten in a lot of trouble for ‘tampering’ with the US mail.

He began to think perhaps that wasn’t the best idea. It was time for a plan “B.”

Chapter 9: The Cricket Fiasco

One day Jayce approached Ben and Kenny at the bus stop. “Hey, I got something for old lady Ficcanaso,” he whispered. He pulled a large, plastic container out of his backpack that contained at least a hundred brown crickets. “What do you say we put these in her house? She’ll think it’s infested and she’ll leave.”

“Excellent,” laughed Kenny. “But how will we get them inside?” Ben suggested someone would have to distract her.

When Ben got home, he and Lisa found a recording of a crying baby online. “This will work great!” Lisa laughed. The next day, Kenny and Jayce joined the Duke children in their backyard as they mapped out their plan….

“Okay, so here’s what’s gonna happen,” Ben began. “Lisa will put the recording under Mrs. Ficcasano’s window. When she comes out to see where the baby is, Kenny will open her back door and sprinkle the crickets in her house.” They had to make sure the crying baby was on the side of Karen’s house to give them plenty of time for Kenny to get in and out.

“Suppose she goes out the front door?” Jayce asked.

“We can put Gizmo out back, so he’ll bark. She’s sure to use the back door then.”

Lisa walked out the front door, pretending to walk to Natalie’s house. She could see Mrs. Ficcanaso watching her out the window. After she had gotten out of view, she scurried back along the edge of the Wheeler’s house, who lived on the other side of Karen. She placed the little recorder under Karen’s window behind a large bush, then waited until she got a text from Ben.

Kenny waited anxiously behind a tree in the Duke’s yard. As soon as the old woman walked out the door and around the house, he would jump the fence and run over to deposit the crickets.

Ben texted Lisa. “Letting the dog out now! Get ready!”

Lisa stood anxiously waiting to turn on the recorder. She checked the volume one more time. Suddenly, she could hear Gizmo barking in her yard. Like clockwork, Mrs. Ficcanaso approached the back door and flung open the screen. “Hey! You kids need to quiet that dog! I’m warning you!”

“Sorry,” called Ben as he scooped up the dog and took him into the house. All at once the sound of a crying baby pierced the air. Karen stopped and listened. She stood with the screen door open, not sure of what she was hearing. Lisa pushed the volume up full blast and ran back through the front yard to her side gate.

Karen stepped into the yard and slowly made her way to the side of the house. Kenny immediately jumped the fence and ran to her door, disappearing inside. “Oh, this is gonna be great!” whispered Ben.

Suddenly, Mrs. Ficcanaso emerged from the side of the house with the recorder in her hand. She was heading for the door!

“Oh no!” whispered Jayce. “Where IS HE?” Karen walked back into her house and shut the door - with Kenny still inside.

Suddenly the kids heard a blood curdling scream through the window. They could see Mrs. Ficcanaso in her kitchen, swatting at the jumping crickets. They were jumping in her hair, on her face, and all over the kitchen sink. “Kenny’s got to be hiding in there,” whispered Lisa. “Oh no, how will he get out without her noticing?” asked Jayce. The kids waited anxiously for any sign of their friend.

Chapter 10: Another Idea

Ben, Lisa, and Jayce waited anxiously for nearly twenty minutes before Kenny finally appeared. He opened the screen door and sprinted across the yard, jumping the fence. “Oh, that was a close one,” he laughed, slightly out of breath.

“How did you escape?” asked Lisa. “I waited until she went into the other room. She was on the phone to the exterminator, I think,” he chuckled. “Oh no! That’s gonna blow everything,” Ben whined.

“I have another idea,” added Kenny. While he was in Mrs. Ficcanaso’s house, he had snuck downstairs to hide. He noticed a window on the other side of the house where Lisa had left the recorder. It was a fairly large window. “I unlocked it. Now, we can get back in for MY plan!”

Kenny’s plan was a little more sinister. “I’m thinking we set stuff up so Mrs. Ficcanaso thinks her house is haunted!” “What if she has a heart attack or somethin’," Lisa said. “Are you kiddin’?” quipped Jayce. “That ol’ lady’s as strong as a bull!” “And as mean as one too!” laughed Ben.

Everyone was given a task to do. Lisa and Ben were on sound effects, Kenny was to be in charge of costumes and Jayce was to oversee the special effects. If Karen Ficcanaso wouldn’t get out on her own, the kids were gonna scare her out.

Every day, the Duke children would distract Karen by playing in the front yard. She took her usual seat on the porch and barked commands to them without fail….

“Do not tie that to my fence, Missy!”

“That ball’s gonna break someone’s window!”

“Keep off my LAWN!”

As she sat berating Ben and Lisa, Jayce and Kenny would be in her home setting up their own haunted house.

Chapter 11: Who’s Going In?

Ben and Lisa were afraid to go in Mrs. Ficcanaso’s house, but Kenny and Jayce were more than willing. Jayce was a bit of a daredevil anyway so the chance of being caught by Karen only made the task more exciting. He was always getting in trouble at school for his risk taking adventures.

One time he scaled the back wall outside of the cafeteria and planned to jump, parkour style, from the roof to the picnic table. Unfortunately, one of the custodians caught him and made him come down. On another occasion, one of the boys dared him to eat a piece of pig drenched in formaldehyde from the Science class.

“I’ll do it for five bucks,” Jayce proclaimed. The kids donated what they had and laid the five-dollar bet on the table. Jayce took a piece of the pig from a jar and popped it into his mouth. Lucky for him a fellow student tipped off the teacher, who in turn contacted Jayce’s parents and the principal. In the end, it earned him a 3 day suspension and a trip to Urgent Care.

Kenny was a little less adventurous. He liked taking risks but not if it meant hospital time or a day in the principal’s office.

Both boys agreed that they would be the ones to go inside of Karen’s house. Ben and Lisa would have to make sure and distract the old woman.

Chapter 12: Mission Accomplished

It had taken nearly a month, but eventually everything was put in place for the haunting of Mrs. Ficcanaso. Jayce had managed to place a speaker in the back of her cupboard while she was out getting her mail. Lisa and Ben had found a host of screams and groans on a Halloween website, which they would now play into the speaker at different times throughout the day and night.

Kenny had secured a fishing line to a mop hanging by the back door, so it would ‘move’ on its own. It was tricky because he had to string the fishing line underneath her back door mat and across the yard so he could pull on it from Ben’s bedroom window.

Mrs. Ficcanaso’s bedroom was directly above the basement window that Jayce and Kenny used to get into the house. They decided to place a large, cellophane ghost against the side of her house. That way nobody else could see it from the street. They attached fishing line to the top and again, ran the line all the way through the yard. When Karen would go in to go to bed, suddenly this ghostly figure would come alive in her window. It looked even scarier when the streetlamp illuminated it.

For the final touch, Kenny had taken a light bulb from his living room lamp that could be switched on or off by an app on his phone. He needed ample time to install this in the old woman’s living room, so they all waited patiently until Mrs. Ficcanaso left for the supermarket. Kenny and Jayce snuck in through the basement window and secured the bulb in a lamp in her living room.

“Mission accomplished!” laughed Ben. Tonight would be the night old Mrs. Ficcanaso would think twice about staying in her home.

13: Fright Night

The boys and Lisa decided to try out their new haunted house on a weekend instead of that evening, so they could stay up later than usual. Ben asked his mom if Jayce and Kenny could stay over that following Friday night.

It was about 8 o’clock in the evening. Ben, Jayce and Kenny sat in his room with a bowl of popcorn, waiting for the show to begin! Lisa soon joined them, bringing her laptop. She signed in and found the Spooky Sounds of Halloween audio. Kenny had his light bulb app ready to go. Jayce had rigged the fishing lines so they could work them from Ben’s window. Ben stood at the side, grasping the lines in his hands. One was marked “mop” and the other was marked “ghost.”

Lisa was to go out to the yard and see if Mrs. Ficcanaso was still awake. She took her phone and called Ben so they could communicate back and forth. “Okay guys, she’s still up and walking around,” Lisa reported as she stood near the back tree. “It’s GO time!” laughed Jayce.

Jayce hit the play button and the spooky sounds began to permeate the room. He quickly switched the audio to feed through the speaker in Karen’s kitchen cupboard. As they played, Kenny began to shut the lamp off and on from his phone.

Lisa could see Karen walking over to the lamp to check the cord and switch it off and on again. Suddenly, Karen heard the scary noises coming from her kitchen. Lisa watched as she turned the kitchen light on. Karen was confused at first, looking around the room.

Suddenly, Ben tugged on the mop hanging near Karen’s back door. It began to move back and forth slowly. “Okay, do the lamp again!” Lisa whispered to Ben.

Mrs. Ficcanaso screamed and ran out into the backyard. She stood for a moment in utter fear at what she had just witnessed.

14: Success

Over the next few days, the kids played the spooky sounds at different times during the day and night. They wanted to make sure Karen didn’t find the speaker, so they shut it off after a brief scare. Any time Mrs. Ficcanaso was at her kitchen sink, Ben or Lisa would run into Ben’s bedroom and tug on the mop string. Of course, Karen had called the police, but they said they didn’t ‘deal with hauntings’ so she would need to get ahold of someone else.

One morning Mr. Wheeler came over to talk to Ben’s mom and dad. They lived on the opposite side of Karen. “Rumor has it she’s just up and gone; abandoning her house and everything in it.” Mr. Wheeler said. He had spoken to Karen’s son who had come over for the keys. He told Mr. Wheeler that his mother refused to go back to the house because it was haunted. She was going to sell it to a realtor for a quick sale.

“Oh, that is wonderful news!” laughed Rod and Linda. They couldn’t wait to tell the kids when they got home from school.

Soon the news was all over the neighborhood. Everyone couldn’t be happier. The snoopy, old lady was gone at last!

Ben and the boys removed the ghost from the tree but because Karen’s son had locked the doors and windows, they were unable to get the speaker from the kitchen. They cut the fishing line attached to the mop.

Their plan had worked beautifully.

15: The New Neighbors

Early one Saturday, Ben was awakened by the sound of motorcycles. They were so loud they shook a picture on his wall. He got up and looked out the window. There were several motorcycles in Mrs. Ficcanaso’s front yard. A dozen men and women walked in and out of the house, followed by three large dogs.

As the morning wore on, music began to blare through the neighborhood. Rob pointed to Mrs. Ficcanaso’s house. “These must be the new neighbors,” Rob yelled to Linda over the heavy metal music.

Several people walked in and out of the house. The three dogs stood, barking relentlessly while a few of the men shouted and laughed with each other. Motorcycles came and went, driving over the grass as the crowd drew bigger and the voices louder. The party lasted well into the night and early the next morning. It was at least 1:30am before the noise began to die down. The next night it started all over again. It was hard to tell how many people actually lived there, there were so many coming and going at all hours.

Lisa went into Ben’s room, holding her ears. “Oh my gosh! What have we done? This is worse than Mrs. Ficcanaso! Ben got on the phone to Jayce and Kenny.

“Come over here, guys. We got another haunting to do!”

~the end