Larry the Shark

Two boats ripped across the surface above Larry the shark and his friend, Pierce the needlefish. Always intrigued about the finless, land dwelling, human world, Larry followed the commotion. Gunfire rang out between the boats, and soon a body splashed into the water, blood leaked from several bullet holes. Larry had never eaten a human. It was strictly forbidden by his family, but he was curious, especially when the scent of human blood hit his nostrils. The earthy, metallic scent caused his entire body to scream for the taste of flesh.

Pierce never interfered in the blood trance before, he didn’t want to accidentally become shark chow. Besides he would nibble on a few scraps left behind here and there. He never gorged like Larry, the thin needlefish had to watch his sleek figure after all. Knowing the taboo about feeding on people, Pierce owed it to his friend to steer him away.

“Larry!” Pierce yelled. He darted in front of the shark. Larry’s pupils were black orbs of night. His lips were drawn back, showing multiple rows of serrated teeth. Pierce backed up at the frightening visage.

“Move,” Larry growled low and deep. “Hunger takes over. Don’t make me eat you too, you little toothpick.”

Unperturbed, Pierce still attempted to dissuade Larry. “Fight it buddy, there’s nothing there but bones and chemicals. They’re all junk. I even heard they’re uh... poisonous! Yeah.”

Larry turned his head and grumbled deep. Pierce could see him fighting the urge. “I’ll just get this disgusting, dirty thing out of here,” Pierce said. While Larry fought the inner struggle he would shove the temptation far away. As soon as Pierce sped toward the human, a package splashed into the water in front of him. Pierce was made for speed, his narrow body sliced through the water, and he couldn’t stop his momentum. He jabbed straight into the package. A white, granular powder surrounded his face, held him tight, and pulled him toward the bottom of the ocean.

He tried to yell, but the dry powder filled his mouth and nostrils. If he didn’t get free he would suffocate before ever reaching the bottom. Wiggling and struggling like a worm on a hook, Pierce struggled to get free, but the powder held like concrete.

He was growing weak and tired when strong fins wrapped around his slender body and popped his head out of the powdered stuff like a champagne cork. Finally able to breathe, Pierce took a deep breath, then coughed, sputtered, and sneezed right into Larry’s face. The white powder splattered across the shark’s face. “It’s in my eyes, my nose, my ears! It burns. It burrrrns!” Pierce wailed.

Wiping his face, Larry stated, “You don’t have ears dummy.”

But Pierce wasn’t paying attention, the powdery chemical was lighting up every nerve ending in his face. Then he started to feel weird. His insides came alive because he could feel every organ, every scale. He even felt every individual cell in his body writhing around. The needlefish hated this feeling.

Larry on the other hand got a small whiff as the powder began to dissolve in the water. It was heavenly. He sniffed harder. The euphoria increased. Larry’s eyes widened, this was new, and he liked it. He sniffed so hard, the vortex drew Pierce onto his nostrils, giving the shark a living, silver mustache.

“I’ve never felt so ALIVE!” Larry declared.

Pierce extracted himself from Larry’s face. “Great, first my face got stuck into human garbage, then I became a shark’s nose goblin. At least no one else saw this.”

Larry didn’t hear Pierce’s complaints, he was busy swimming in tightening concentric circles, going faster after each revolution.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Pierce asked.

Larry laughed, “I don’t know, but I’ve never felt this incredible!”

He created a large whirlpool, dived deep out of sight, then came speeding back up like a torpedo. He shot through the middle of the cone, erupted out of the water then splashed back down.

“Larry?” Pierce asked, concerned about his friend’s strange behavior.

In answer, Larry grabbed his friend, “Here! You have to try it.”

“No, no. No!” Pierce protested, but Larry was committed, he drew his fin back and launched Pierce through the water. The needlefish yelled as he soared upward into the air like a rocket. He careened toward the sun, and thought he would land on the yellow ball when he began descending.

Larry erupted with laughter as Pierce plummeted back through the water like a javelin yelling as he zoomed past, “Ass-hooooooole…”

Larry was still clutching his aching sides when Pierce returned. “I hate you,” he said between clenched teeth.

“You know you had fun ol’ buddy. Look, a boat, let’s race it,” Larry said and took off like a flash.

Pierce sighed, and hoped the shark didn’t end up in a net or getting ripped to chum by a propeller.

When the high wore off, Larry felt exhausted, lethargic, and everything, even his teeth hurt. “I need another bump,” he said breathlessly. “Just to take the edge off. Do you think there’s any more?”

“With luck it fell to the ocean floor with the dark water freaks.”

Larry sighed. “It probably hasn’t gone far. I could catch it before it hits bottom.”

“Fugettaboudit,” Pierce said. “Remember last time? You barely made it back alive.”

“Yeah,” Larry agreed. “Maybe I just need to eat, let’s go find a lazy seal.”

“Sounds good.”

As they traveled, Larry became increasingly irritable. Before they reached the seal rocks, Larry graduated to bonafide jerk.

“What’s wrong with you?” Pierce asked when Larry threatened to bite him in half for the third time.

“I’m fine,” Larry snapped. “You’re swimming too loud...and being an idiot.”

“How am I swimming too loud?” Pierce yelled.

The noise sliced through Larry’s brain and before Pierce could say anything else, Larry grabbed him and hurled him through the water like a dart. “Not again!” he screamed.

He sailed end over end like a throwing knife and couldn’t tell up from down. All he could see was a large lump getting closer until he thumped into something soft and fleshy. Pierce saw that he was embedded in a human, who was screaming hysterically. Learning his lesson from the last incident, he kept his mouth clamped tight. He wouldn’t accidentally taste human blood. The swimmer yelped, grabbed Pierce, and yanked him free. She screamed like a banshee when she saw the fish and nearly drowned as she shoved Pierce away.

“Just so you know,” Pierce called back, shivering. “I didn’t enjoy it either!”

A huge gray shape jetted past Pierce, latching onto the woman as she floundered. Shaken, it took awhile for Pierce to recognize Larry. He latched onto her bleeding leg and was sucking the blood out like a ravenous vampire.

“What the hell Larry?”

He let go of the woman’s leg. Blood was smeared across his lips and face, his eyes were dark sockets of death. “The white stuff, it’s in her blood,” he said, shaking like an addict and went back to draining the woman.

“Heads up Larry,” Pierce warned, but he was too enthralled by the feeling rushing back into his veins. The feeling of excited euphoria.

Before he drained her dry, he was whacked on the back of his head. In shock he let the woman go, she swam away with the help of other humans. Larry could not believe the absolute gall someone had to dare smack him, a great white shark. White hot anger ignited like a firework exploding in the sky. He whirled around, mouth wide open, rows of triangular teeth showing, ready to rip and rend whoever treated him with such impunity. The shape loomed over Larry, an imposing figure but this mattered not to Larry, he would bite him in half. Larry roared, his mouth a gaping hole of death and destruction when he was slapped across the face with a resounding pop, the triangle fin print on his face stung red. His dilated black pupils shrunk to size, as his mouth closed to a small circle of petulance when he saw who had assaulted him. “Mama,” Larry said meekly. Immediately he regressed into a small five year old sharkling. He even felt the sting of tears in his eyes.

“What the hell is wrong with you boy?” she barked as she crossed her fins. Disappointment was chiseled across her features. “Do you know the ruckus you’re causing in the human world with these ridiculous shenanigans?”

Larry’s head throbbed and hung in abject shame, but he could feel the tickle of a huge giggle threatening to erupt from his belly. Laughing during this consequential moment would bring on swift and exacting retribution. Mama was deadly serious. He knew the drug was causing the giggle fit, and he clamped his razor sharp teeth together to hold it in, but it was threatening to break free. His red face contorted as she stared expectantly, awaiting a response such as remorse, or shame. Instead, a torrent of barking laughter burst through the dam.

Mama’s pointed shark face turned exactly twenty-three shades of red and purple as Larry’s insolence. She puffed up, grabbed his nose ring and twisted. His funny bone vaporized at the excruciating pain. She was pissed, and not messing around.

“Ouch,” Pierce uttered and tried to slink away.

“Don’t you move a fin,” Mama snapped.

Pierce froze.

Larry wondered why parents had to grab the most sensitive areas, ripping his nose ring wasn’t fighting fair.

“Now, Chuckles, tell me why you attacked that human, and why you’ve been acting a fool.” She unrolled a picture she pulled from her apron pocket and shoved it in Larry’s face. “Do you want to end up like your Uncle Dave?”

Pierce watched as Larry lost all shades of gray. All he saw was a bowl of orange looking broth with fibrous tendrils. “What happened to Dave?” Pierce whispered.

“Shark fin soup!” Mama snapped.

“I’m sorry Mama.” Larry wailed. “That white stuff feels so good, but it makes me act strange. I can’t control myself. It’s taking control of me and I don’t know what to do.”

Larry’s mother could be tough as barnacled nails, but she also knew when to be a cuddle-fish, and now was that time. She hugged Larry as he sobbed.

“It really wasn’t his fault,” Pierce said. He explained everything as Larry blew his nose loudly into his mama’s apron.

“At first it felt so good, but I don’t want to be that shark anymore,” Larry said

“I know, dear. Don’t you worry. Mama’s going to fix you right up.” Together they all swam toward home.

Before the trio arrived, Larry noticed a surfer leisurely floating above them, two bony legs were dangling over. Larry couldn’t help himself, in an instant he nabbed the surfer off the board and had the screaming man in his mouth.

The threatening pose of his mother stopped him before he bit down.

“I just want a nibble,” Larry said. His toothy grin sent the surfer into renewed hysterics as he fought to get away. “The feet are crunchy…”

“Put it back. Now.”

“Yes Mama,” Larry sighed as he gingerly touched his still aching nostril. They watched the screaming, gurgling surfer swim awkwardly back to the surface. With his mother’s back turned, Larry grabbed Pierce by the tail fin, and like a short sword, stabbed the hapless surfer. If Pierce was indignant before, when Larry licked the surfer’s blood off the needlefish’s face, he was absolutely infuriated.

“If you ever lick me again,” Pierce sputtered. “I’ll...I’ll bite a hole straight through your tongue!”

Mock shock registered on Larry’s face. “That’s your job buddy. In case you didn’t notice, you’re a needlefish.”

Pierce rolled his eyes as he struggled to think of something witty, but nothing came to mine.

Then Larry looked thoughtful. “You know, I might let you, I’ve been contemplating another ‘Piercing’”

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