Landing alone

The first thing she did when she heard the news was drop the old dial phone receiver. Blankly, she watched it swing back and forth, knocking against the small wooden stand until its momentum died.

“Denise. Denise. Are you there, Denise? Shit, do you think she passed out?” Christina asked Tim, who was standing beside her in the kitchen. “Denise!” she shouted, hoping to rouse her daughter from the silence that seemed to have enveloped her.

“Let me try,” Tim said, reaching his hand out for the receiver. “Hey Denise. Come on,” he shouted. “Come on back from wherever you are, for shit sake.” He waited for a response. “Language,” his mother said to him.

“As if that matters now. If this isn’t the exact time that ‘shit’ fits, I don’t know when is,” Tim shouted back at his mother. When he saw the tears starting, he realized his mistake. This was not a time for yelling, for drama. This was a time for… what, Tim wondered, dreading the endurance test that lay before them.

Christina yanked the phone from Tim. “Give me that,” she demanded. When she put it to her ear, she could hear her daughter’s wails. She was sobbing uncontrollably. “Denise,” she shouted into the receiver. With that, the line went dead.

“She hung up?” Tim seemed surprised his sister would do such a thing. She was Mama’s girl, her favorite. It didn’t bother him much anymore, but he had hated it when he was a kid. In an attempt to rectify the imbalance, he tried his hardest to become his father’s favorite, but soon learned that Leo had been well-established in that position since before Tim had been born. It wasn’t fair and he silently cursed his brother for the favoritism bestowed upon him. Leo was his father’s first son and got to live through, and experience, all the firsts with his Dad. The first time Leo and Doug had played catch. The first time he helped Leo onto the shiny red bike Doug had decked out with all the trimmings. There had been no one to guide Tim the first time he tried to master the balance needed to ride the red bike, then too small for Leo. Their father took Leo camping, on fishing weekends and shot hoops with him in the driveway. So many things. By the time it was Leo’s turn to experience the firsts, Doug no longer had any interest in investing the time into Tim.

The phone ringing jarred Tim out of the unhappy memory. Before the second ring, Christina was already shouting, “Denise” into the receiver. “Mom,” a distant voice could be heard saying. “Oh my God, Mom, I can’t believe it.”

“I know, honey,” Christina choked. “It seems impossible, but (here her voice broke) it’s true.”

“When?”

“On his flight to Calgary this morning. It’s all over the news.”

“What is?” Denise asked.

This time Christina broke down completely. She held the receiver out to Tim and said weakly, “You tell her.”

“Denise,” he said, “he was heading to Calgary to catch a flight for Vancouver. Some business thing. I’m really sorry, Deen. I must just be in shock. I don’t feel anything yet.”

“I know,” Denise sobbed. “I don’t want to know any more about it now. What’s the point?”

“There’s plenty of time for that,” Tim tried to reassure her.

“How’s Mama?” Denise finally asked. “She must be going out of her mind.”

Tim looked over to his mother, who was idly flicking through pages on the wall calendar, her sobs trying to drown out reality. “She’s OK. I guess.” He looked at Christina again, then said, “No, she’s not great. We don’t know what’s happening. They didn’t tell us anything besides the fact there was a crash on landing.”

“Oh my God, no. That’s too awful. They’re sure Dad was on the plane?”

Tim did have a few more bits of information, but knew now wasn’t the time to tell his sister.

When no answer was forthcoming, Denise said, “I gotta call work and let them know I need some time off. I honestly never thought I’d be asking for this.”

Denise’s voice began to trail off. “I can’t talk about this now, Timmy. Tell Mama I love her and I’ll get there as soon as possible.”

“Is she coming?” Christina quizzed him immediately.

“Of course, she’s coming,” Tim assured her.

The two stood silently, each lost in thought until Tim suddenly remembered, “Leo. Shit. Do you want to tell him, or do you want me to do it?”

Stirred from her reverie, Christina said, “I’d better do it. You know how close he and Dad are…were… .”

“Yeah, they were close all right,” Tim commented quietly.

“This isn’t the time for that,” Christina rebuked him.

“Time for what?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Your being jealous of Leo. Thinking Dad loves Leo more. Loved. Please don’t start in on that again.”

Christina looked like a wrung-out wet rag. Lifeless. She looked old, Tim thought. He’d never noticed that before. Whatever the problems between them, Tim wanted his brother with them for this.

The day ended as it had begun. In shock. Disbelief. Tim and his mother hugging each other tighter than ever before.

“I’m going to go to bed. I won’t sleep of course, but we have to try. We need to get through this,” Christina said as she flicked a stray hair back from her son’s forehead. She started to leave, then stopped and turned back to face Tim. “I love you so much, Timmy.”

“I know Mom,” Tim said, tears beginning to fall from his eyes. “Me too.”

##########

Denise’s return from Sydney would take much longer than Leo’s from San Diego. Somehow, however, their arrival times were only a few hours apart. He’d forgotten which of their flights would arrive first, and prayed it was the one from Sydney. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see his brother. He just didn’t want to spend all that time alone with him waiting for Denise. He never knew what to talk about. No matter the subject, Leo immediately took over the conversation. Any achievement of his own that Tim may mention was quickly met with how much more Leo had accomplished.

He was relieved when he saw Denise emerge from the Arrivals gate, massive suitcase rolling behind her. She saw him right away, and waved listlessly. Her face was red and swollen from all the tears she’d been crying. As soon as she rounded the line separating visitors from travelers, she threw her arms around Tim’s neck and hugged him more tightly that he’d thought she could manage.

“Timmy… Dad….” The rest of what she said was muffled in Tim’s hoodie, so he just held her embrace until she let go.

There was an awkward silence between them, until Tim finally spoke. “Leo’s flight doesn’t arrive for another two hours. We’ll have to wait. Let’s go to the restaurant over there.”

“Ah, Timmy, can’t you take me home, then come back for Leo.”

Tim shouldn’t have been surprised at this request but, under the circumstances, he was. “I don’t think there’s enough time,” he said, weakly.

“Leo can wait a bit,” Denise suggested, exaggerating her displeasure.

“No, it would take way too long. Let’s just wait. We certainly have enough to talk about.”

Denise reached behind her, switching the hand holding on to the suitcase. “We’d have the whole drive ho…,” she started, then decided she was being bossy. Tim freaked out when she’d tried to boss him around as kids. He’d scream in a voice so high-pitched it could nearly break glass, to drown her out. Then she’d shout over his voice and so it would escalate until a parent intervened.

But his resistance to Denise’s attempts to make demands paled in comparison to how he handled his older brother’s constant complaints and recriminations. Leo lorded it over Tim that he was the chosen one, the fair-haired boy, the important one. Tim couldn’t fight for himself, or wouldn’t. He’d feel paralyzed when Leo started ordering him around, or threatening to tell their Dad something bad about Tim, true or untrue. Did he love his big brother? He honestly didn’t know.

Denise ordered a Mojito, and Tim got a Pepsi. He was vigilant about never drinking and driving; unlike Leo who had two DUIs by the time he left for college. But it never seemed to matter to their father. He’d berate Leo about his behavior and complain about insurance cost, but it was short-lived. Before a week had passed, Leo was back behind the wheel of their Mom’s old Chrysler. And Denise? She just sucked up to Mom. And Mom fell for it. Denise was always quick to run to Mom, whining about how Tim wasn’t being fair and she didn’t want to play with him. She had her own coterie of friends and much preferred them over being stuck with her little brother. She was brilliantly adept at feigning tears to go with her false claims. Mom fell for those, too. Tim hated watching their mother stroking Denise’s hair as Denise perched on her lap, head against Mom’s shoulder; blaming him for something bad she’d claim he’d done to her. Between her and Leo, Tim didn’t have a chance.

He was certain this played a part in his deciding to go to the university in town, whereas Denise and Leo chose schools seemingly as far away from home as possible.

“Timmy,” said Denise, interrupting his thoughts and, he knew it, self-pity. “Where is Dad now?” she asked, in a low voice, perhaps fearing other patrons would hear her. There were lines down either side of her nose, where the tears were still collecting.

“I honestly don’t know. We still have to go to some meeting with the airline. It’s horrible. Dad’s body may still be out there. We don’t know.”

She covered her face with her hands, as her shoulders rose and fell with the sobs she was trying to contain. Finally she said, “You know what. I can wait. I don’t want to know any more until I have to know.”

Typical of Denise, never wanting to shoulder responsibility or face anything she found unpleasant. Tim had covered for her more than a few times in their teenage years.

“OK,” Tim responded, automatically reaching for her hand as if to soothe her. “I get it.” This was one time he would be glad to have Leo home. Tim didn’t think he could support both his mother and Denise through the days ahead on his own. Leo would want center stage and, for a change, Tim would be happy to let him take it.

His brother’s arrival time had been extended for another hour. Tim knew Denise wouldn’t take the change kindly. He waited for her to complain that he would have had time to take her all the way home and get back in time. He wasn’t disappointed. She sounded like she’d been inconvenienced, though Tim knew this was just her nature. She was really hurting and, difficult though it was, he resolved not to argue with her about anything while she was home. For the funeral.

He pushed the thought out of his head immediately and got the server’s attention. Two more drinks and some fries to share. Tim didn’t feel anything like eating but it was a way to pass the time without risking a disagreement. This wasn’t the time.

When Denise returned from her second trip to the Ladies’ Room, Tim excused himself and walked over to the nearest Flight Information Display board. He was annoyed to find the flight arrival had changed. It was now scheduled an hour later than the first extension. He returned to the table and said nothing. He didn’t want an outburst from Denise. There were times she had little self-control, and it wasn’t unheard of for her to create a scene in public. He decided to say nothing unless she asked specifically.

The siblings sat in the silence they both needed. There was really nothing to say that mattered until they knew more. What they did know was the hostile emptiness of grief, finding its way slowly, wantonly to their consciousness.

“I’m going to see what’s happening with this flight,” Denise said, implying Tim wasn’t attending to things properly.

“No. No. I’ll go.” Leo was coming in on small MackAir flight. Tim had seen the empty MackAir booth on his way into the airport. He hoped someone would be there now. As he neared the booth, he saw someone in back speaking into a phone. When the attendant finally came out to the desk, his face was flushed and he tried to busy himself with the brochures on display. Ignoring the awkwardness of the situation, Tim inquired about Flight J503 from Vancouver.

“I’m afraid I don’t have any information on that flight at the moment,” he said when Tim asked him for an arrival time.

“What? How can you not have information about your own airline’s flights?” Tim waited for a response.

The attendant, obviously distracted, excused himself and went behind the partition. Tim overheard one end of a conversation. When the young man returned, he did his best to smile and indicated they would be posting a new arrival time shortly. He apologized profusely.

Knowing the reception this update would elicit from his sister, Tim took his time returning to the restaurant. He passed a few groups of people, no doubt waiting on another flight arrival. A woman in the second group sounded like she was crying. It struck Tim as odd, but he knew that happened a lot in airports. Arrivals could be every bit as emotional as Departures.

When he got back to the table, Denise was gone, having left her suitcase under their table. “Idiot,” Tim thought.His sister certainly travelled enough to know never to leave a bag unattended. He sat down and was thinking about ordering something more substantial since he had no idea how long they’d now be waiting.

The PA system crackled in the background as Tim scanned the menu. He looked up when Denise returned. “They don’t have an exact ETA, but it should be posted soon.” When there was no response, he looked up at Denise and tried to read the expression on her face. She seemed angry, or scared or both.

“Leo was on a MackAir flight, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what he told Mom.”

“Did you hear the loudspeaker?” she demanded.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” Tim answered truthfully.”

“They said something about MackAir.” She practically screamed at him.

“Probably announcing the new arrival time. I should have been listening. Sorry.”

“We need to find out,” Denise said anxiously. “I’ll go to the booth and check,” she said, sitting down.

Before Tim could argue with her and insist on going himself, there was another sharp crackle, then a short announcement.

“See.” Denise said. “It’s definitely something about MackAir.”

“Yeah, I heard that,” Tim agreed with her. “I’ll run back to the booth. You stay here. I’ll go find out.”

As he was exiting the restaurant, he thought he heard something like his name over the PA. He looked back at Denise who would have heard it. Coincidence?

Denise stood up and was collecting her handbag and suitcase to leave when the loudspeaker came to life again. This time he was sure he heard his name.

“Shit. Now what?” he wondered.

“They said your name,” Denise told him.

“Maybe something to do with my asking about ETA,” he thought but, no, he hadn’t given his name to the attendant. Perhaps there was a message from his mother? He wondered if Leo could be asking he be paged. If so, the flight must have arrived.

Denise had caught up with him, tugging the suitcase behind her. One of the wheels had become partially detached. “Shit. Shit,” she spat, trying to maneuver her errant case. He stopped and waited for his sister to straighten out the loose wheel, then they continued to the MackAir booth.

There was nobody at the desk. Again. Didn’t they have any customers?

He called “Hello” loud enough for anyone to hear, and rustling in the office area. After a few seconds, the same attendant peeked his head around the partition. Seeing them, he cleared his throat and said, “There’s a message for you.”

“What? Who could be messaging me?” It had to be Mom. If so – he went through possible reasons in his head but could think of nothing.

“I don’t know who left it,” he said. “There have been so many.” There was a definite glitch in his voice. He sounded more scared than apologetic. “I’m sorry, sir.”

“So? What’s the message?” Tim tried encouraging him without sounding peeved.

The attendant lowered his eyes, looking down at the desk. “They want you in T2 Room 44. It’s in the other terminal.”

“Who wants him?” Denise chimed up.

The attendant reddened, avoiding her eyes. “I don’t know. I was just given the messages for everyone.”

“What? Everyone?” What the hell was going on?

“This isn’t good,” Denise said ominously as they headed to the second terminal.

Tim agreed, but said instead, “It’s probably some change in the arrivals gate.” It may be something like that, he thought, trying to convince himself. He just hoped it wasn’t his mother calling.

##########

An hour later, Tim was sitting on the floor beside Denise’s suitcase. He knew there was nothing he could say to her that could possibly be of any comfort. They’d just lost their Dad. He hugged his sister a bit closer as she clung to him, while her sobs were being swallowed up into the wails that were coming from all around them.

A crash. Another one. This time a mid-air collision. Hundreds of fatalities; no survivors.

Tim had let the tears that threatened to wash away his breath - tears nearly drowning him - now carry him to a terrible place. How could this be? He had finally given in to his own grief, completely forgetting Denise was beside him. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t be strong. He could barely breathe. The horrific scenes of his father’s death, the ones he’d been trying to banish from his consciousness, were now the prologue of tragedy to an epilogue of devastation.

He heard screaming, coming from somewhere, undulating in waves all around him. He felt a touch on his arm, and heard Denise say, “Timmy?” Just his name. Then he suddenly realized the nightmarish sounds were coming from him.

Denise hugged him tightly, both of them crying, both disbelieving what had happened. Denise whispered loudly into Tim’s ear, “Mama. Mama. How do we tell her?”

“She already knows,” Tim replied, trying to focus now on what needed to be done. “They would have told Mom. Otherwise, how did they know we were here?”

“My God! Poor Mom! I can’t face any of this. How will we ever get through all of it?”

With a calmness he didn’t really feel as much as obey, Tim told Denise they had to call their mother as he knew she wouldn’t want to be alone. “But it’s too noisy here,” he added, pointing to the door into the hallway, beckoning her to follow him.

Their mother was hysterical, as Tim knew she would be. Idly, shamefully, he wondered if she were more upset about Leo than about their father. He knew the answer. Leo. Leo was always the important one and he knew their mother would forever be inconsolable about his loss.

He tried not to imagine the terror Leo must have experienced before the collision. He tried, but thoughts of Leo, completely helpless, had begun to solidify in his mind. Their father could have seen what a coward his eldest son really was. And, Tim cursed himself, he knew it gave him a kind of detached pleasure, a type of satisfaction that tunneled its way into whatever part of him had previously been overcome by shock.

Trying to recapture his earlier grief about his father, he instead felt the years of resentment and recrimination that had been his to bear throughout his life. No matter what he had done or achieved, it had never been as good as what Leo had, or would have, done. And his brother had excelled at rubbing Tim’s nose into the inferiority that had hounded and described his life. The hopelessness.

Now, the two responsible for destroying any possibility, even trace, of self-confidence Tim might have had, were gone.

It simply just made sense.

He smiled, grimly. Of course, they had to experience it together, Leo and their dad. It was just another first for them both. As always, their father had chosen Leo to come with him.