L'Enfer Du Paradis

I couldn't tell you how I got here. I wasn't whisked away by fairy dust or tornados. I didn't crawl through a looking glass or a wardrobe. Nope, it was nothing like that. One minute I was sitting at my desk pouring over the latest financial reports and the next thing I knew I was sitting in soft white sand. The constant rumble of my Co-workers chatting and typing suddenly stopped, replaced by the gentle sound of waves crashing on the shore. The soft glow of an afternoon sun replaced the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights. Rather than the stiff and uncomfortable pantsuit I'd put on this morning, I was now wearing a lightweight white sundress that flowed elegantly to my bare feet and tied at my neck, leaving my shoulders to be kissed by sunshine.

Of course, my first reaction was that I must have fallen asleep, I must be dreaming. But everything was too real for a dream and I hadn't been tired at all beforehand. Though I couldn't say how I'd gotten here, or even where here was, I was quite certain I was actually here. There was something vaguely familiar about this place, but I couldn't quite figure out why. So I climbed to my feet, ready to go explore this magical paradise.

There was nothing but sand that stretched to my right and left as far as I could see. In front of me the horizon showed no land, no ships, just ocean meeting sky. Behind me, the sand ran up a gentle slope several feet before running into a dense grove of palm trees. Rising up from the center of the trees was a black jagged peak that looked suspiciously like a volcano. There was no sign of anyone else on this little island, not even a footprint in the soft white sand. Aside from where I'd just disturbed it by getting to my feet, there weren't any marks on the sand at all, not even my own footprints. But I wasn't likely to figure out where I was or why I'd been brought here by sitting still, so off I went, strolling down the beach in hopes of finding some sort of answer around the next bend, enjoying the warmth of the sand squishing between my toes.

It was the strangest experience. I felt as though I had walked forever, while simultaneously feeling as though it took no time at all. I had no desire to rush and though looking back I could see I had traveled quite a distance, I felt no physical effect and didn't seem to tire at all. I was just marveling at the phenomenon when finally I saw something in the distance that made my heart leap for joy. The smooth sand that stretched before me had been disturbed. Big piles had been stacked haphazardly atop each other forming towers that reached as high as my knees. This wasn't a natural formation and clearly hadn't been made by any animal. Excitedly, I began racing toward it and then I saw her little blonde head pop up from behind one of the towers and heard her giggle as she dumped a plastic bucket full of sand onto the top of the tower. The child couldn't have been any older than four but was clearly unsupervised. Seeing her that close to the ocean waves that seemed to be getting closer and closer suddenly made my heart race in a panic and I desperately wanted to get to her, to make sure she was safe.

I sprinted toward her and was just about there when she turned her big blue eyes to me, full of hurt, "Mommy, why didn't you want me?" With that a gust of wind blew from behind me and she fluttered away in pieces like dandelion seeds carried on the breeze. My breath stuck in my chest and I fell to my knees next to her sand castle, clutching my chest as tears streamed down my face. That was my baby, the one I could have had, the one I should have had with my husband when I had the chance. But I always thought there'd be time later. Maybe next year, I said over and over, until next year never came.

I just sat there and sobbed for what felt like an eternity until a giant wave crashed over me, soaking me from my chest down. As it ran back out to sea, it pulled down the remnants of the sand castle erasing any sign the child had ever been there. That's when I heard the laughter, it seemed to come from everywhere at once and crawled up my spine like a spider. That's when I knew, this Island was no Paradise.

I jumped to my feet and spun around, looking for the source of the sinister cackle. There he was, smirking casually as he leaned against a palm tree about 15 yards away. Despite wearing a pleated black suit including a knee length dress coat, he gave off the vibe that he was completely at home on the island. As soon as our eyes met, he turned and disappeared into the trees. Though I wanted nothing to do with this man, I felt compelled to follow him.

As I climbed the gentle slope and stepped into the cool shade of the trees, I found a narrow path that had been invisible from the beach. There was no sign of the man so I followed the path as it wound deeper and deeper into the grove. Finally, after ages of walking, the path opened up into a small clearing. A stream trickled along one edge and nestled on the far side was a cottage I'd recognize anywhere. It didn't belong here, it should have been tucked away in the hills back home, but there was no mistaking those baby blue shutters and flower boxes that framed the multi-paned windows. All my best childhood memories happened in this little home. My heart leapt in excitement and I raced to the front door, clearing all three of the porch steps in a single bound. There she was, sitting in her favorite rocking chair at the side of the porch, watching hummingbirds flutter about her feeders.

She turned in my direction as she heard my foot land on the porch. Her steel grey eyes, usually so full of love, were now filled with hurt. "My angel girl, why didn't you come? I waited for you as long as I could, but you never came." The wind blew from behind me and as it rustled past my Nana she fluttered apart and blew away like leaves in the breeze. I ran after her, jumping off the edge of the porch trying in vain to catch the pieces as they flew out of my reach. I fell into the mud at the edge of the stream and wept miserably. I always meant to go see her at the end, but I was finishing my Master's. I would have had time to go visit her next month. But next month never came, not for Nana.

From behind me came a terrible crunching sound. I turned to see vines climbing and twisting about the cozy little house. In a matter of minutes they covered the building then brought it down in a sickening crash. Then came the laughter, crawling across my skin. There he stood on the far side of the clearing, reveling in my pain, waiting to see if I would follow him again. My blood boiled at the look of glee on his face and I jumped up and chased after him as he disappeared into the trees once more.

I barely noticed where I was going as my bare feet pounded on the hard packed dirt path. Though I was running as fast as I could, my breath continued to come easily and my legs never tired. I rounded a bend and there she was, sitting on a boulder at the edge of the path, legs tucked up tight against her body as hugged them like a teddy bear. Her face was hidden by the long strands of vibrant red hair that cascaded over her shoulders, but I knew her immediately. I came to a stop and my heart seemed to stand still, leaving my chest hollow and cold. "Donna," I whispered as tears ran over my cheeks.

She lifted her hollowed out face and stared at me blankly with glassy eyes. "Am I pretty enough to be your friend yet?" The wind blew over the teenager and her emaciated body floated away like a cloud on a breeze dissipating into nothing more than vapor as it rose out of sight. She had been my oldest friend, but in high school I was too popular, too busy to notice she was struggling. She kept telling me she needed to talk to me, but I would have time to hang out with her next week. But next week never came.

The bitter tears choked me and I collapsed, gasping for breath. The entire island seemed to shake in response to my pain and the boulder split into two. Right on cue the laughter came, slithering into my head. But this time, as my eyes fell on him he didn't turn to leave.

"Had enough yet, Deary?" He smirked. "There's plenty more waiting to see you up ahead."

"Why are you doing this to me?" I shouted, climbing unsteadily to my feet. "Who are you?"

His only response was to cackle again before disappearing once more into the trees. This time I only followed a short distance before the path broke free of the trees and began climbing steeply up the rocky mountainside. He had vanished completely, but I continued to follow the path as it wound steadily up the slope. I came around a corner and the path widened, extending into a shelf on the edge of the cliff. Tucked against the side of the mountain to protect it from the wind was a ragged tent, used and worn with age.

My heart pounded uncomfortably in my chest, terrified of who I knew I'd find inside. What if I didn't look? I took a step away from the tent and then I saw the rest, speckled all over the mountain. This exact same tent, hundreds of times over again, waiting for me to confront the person inside. If I didn't do it now, I'd have to do it eventually. I crouched down at the side of the tent and took a deep breath before pulling open the zipper. Once my biggest hero, the shell of a man inside looked almost unrecognizable, caked in years of neglect and filth, his hair and beard matted and unruly. But I instantly knew who he was, just as I had instantly recognized him years before.

His eyes, forever haunted by the horrors of war, brightened a little as they met mine. "My baby girl, did you finally come back to save me?" I reached out to grab hold of him, but the wind blew from over my shoulder and pulled him apart, scattering the pieces of him like discarded pieces of trash.

"No Daddy!" I wailed. "I meant to come back for you. I was coming back to take you home with me!" It was true, I'd never been angry he left, but I'd been embarrassed and ashamed. So when I saw him that day, after all those years of looking for him, I couldn't let the co-workers I was with know who he was. So I planned to go back for him tomorrow. But, tomorrow never came.

The pain settled on my shoulders with a crushing weight and I curled into a ball and sobbed at the door of the tattered tent until finally another wind blew past tearing the humble dwelling off the cliff and I watched it tumble out of sight. The laughter made my blood run cold. There he stood, on a ledge just above me, looking down at me with all his haughty superiority. His designer suit and shoes were still pristine and not a hair on his head fell out of place. My once white dress was torn and filthy with mud. My hair hung in limp tangles about my shoulders, no longer tied back in a neat ponytail. As terrible as I looked, I felt even worse.

"Ready to claim defeat, my Deary?" His sickening sweet voice made my skin crawl just as his laughter had.

I refused to dignify him with a response and instead climbed to my feet defiantly. Then I resumed racing up the slope. Again, his laughter echoed from everywhere at once as I continued to scramble up the mountain. The last few feet were a nearly vertical climb and I had to pull myself up with my arms as I scrambled over the top and came to rest on the flat top of the mountain. I pushed myself up to my knees and froze in terror. This was not a flat mountain top.

I was perched precariously on a narrow ledge, on one side was the cliff I'd just scaled and the other side opened into a deep pit, steaming with bubbling magma. I steadied myself and took a few deep breaths before getting all the way to my feet. The ledge was just wide enough for two people to walk side by side so I wasn't in immediate danger but I had to keep from looking down because it made me terribly dizzy. Instead I looked around the rim of the pit, sure I'd see yet another specter from my past. I was already pretty sure I knew who I'd be facing up here and when the steam from the pit between us shifted in the breeze my suspicions were confirmed. There he stood, as handsome as ever, wearing a tailored gray suit with a crimson grandad collared shirt. His dark hair and beard were pristinely groomed with the edges of his mustache curled up just slightly. His dark eyes twinkled behind his wire rimmed glasses.

But as they met my own, the twinkle I'd always loved went out, replaced by hurt and betrayal. "Baby, why couldn't you put me first, just this one time?" The wind swirled around him and he evaporated into the steam from the volcano. Those words were like a punch in the gut. It was not the first time he'd said those words to me. In fact, they were the last words I'd ever heard my husband speak. He called me, so upset that I was going to make him late for his big night. I told him to go on without me, I'd meet him there. I just had one last thing to finish at work before I left. But I'd be there, just one more hour. But there were no more hours, not for him.

The laughter seemed to rumble up from the center of the mountain, shaking every fiber of my being. He appeared out of nowhere, just a few feet in front of me, leaning casually on an elegantly carved snake head cane. His triumphant grin mocking my pain.

"Now, my Deary, have you had enough?"

I knew who he was now, I'd seen him without realizing it a thousand times before. He lurked just outside my peripheral vision in all the darkest places of my life. Everywhere I'd gone that I knew I shouldn't have been. All the depraved, selfish, prideful, and cruel times of my life. He'd been hiding there in the shadows, reveling in my wanton choices. Just as he did now.

"Please, stop," I sobbed. "I can't take it anymore!"

Again he laughed then changed before my eyes into the small girl who I'd met on the beach. "But Mommy, this is what you wanted." She smiled innocently before changing into my Nana. "I never meant to be a burden to you." She shook her head sadly. Then Nana became Donna. "I guess all that popularity didn't get you much in the end. Did it?" Her eyes filled with pity. Then my father stood where she had been, "I taught you to be strong and self- reliant, not heartless and self-centered." He hung his head in shame. Then my husband replaced my father. "All I ever wanted was to make all your dreams come true. But all you wanted was for me to give up my life for yours."

Then I was once again looking at the Master Torturer who laughed sinisterly at the tears streaking my cheeks. "This is your legacy, Deary." Then he became the boy who lived down the road I only remembered as "Stink- face" before becoming the girl who's ideas I'd mocked incessantly in meetings until she finally stopped sharing them and quit altogether. He continued to change into dozens of people I'd trampled over or disregarded throughout the years. As they looked at me blankly I felt the pain I'd left in my wake.

Finally, I could take no more, I closed my eyes, covered my ears and screamed for him to stop. I felt his icy cold fingers wrap around my wrists and yanked my hands away from my ears, "Open your eyes, Deary, and face what you are."

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and found myself looking right back at my own face. There was no question it was me and yet she looked so different from the woman in my mirror. I had always been beautiful and I knew it. I used it as a tool of manipulation to get things I wanted. But there was no beauty in the woman before me. Her eyes had no sparkle, her complexion was flat and drab. Her lips pulled tight in a frown as though they'd never learned to smile. "Look what you made me into!" Her voice came out in a raspy hiss.

"No, no," I shook my head and pulled away. "I wasn't this bad. This isn't me!" I stepped backward but there was nowhere to step behind me. I had been on the very edge of the pit. For a few hopeless seconds, I teetered on one foot, flailing my arms, trying in vain to regain my balance, before I tumbled backward into the waiting maw below. As I fell, I saw the Master Torturer smile down at me gleefully as his laughter permeated every cell of my body. Hot searing pain encompassed my entire body for a count of five before everything went completely black.

I couldn't tell you how I got here. One minute I was sitting at my desk pouring over the latest financial statements and the next thing I knew I was sitting in soft white sand. There was something vaguely familiar about this place, but I couldn't quite figure out why. So I climbed to my feet, ready to go explore this magical paradise.