Krampus Cracks

Santa was visiting the Christmas Village before Christmas Eve, talking to all the good little boys and girls. Suddenly, he saw Krampus fly by on an old bicycle with two babies screaming in a basket. Santa knew he had to do something to save the innocent babies.

Santa knew he had to save the babies from Krampus before it was too late. So he took off running after him, slipping and sliding along the way. He chased Krampus to his lair, screaming at him to stop, but Krampus kept going straight to his home. By the time Santa had made it to Krampus's den, he was huffing and puffing, and he thought a diet would be in order if he had to run like this regularly.

Rushing into the lair, he screamed, “Krampus, stop this instant!”

Krampus froze with a huge butcher knife posed over the two infants. “Go away, Brother. It’s time I tasted innocence for once, so go away.”

“You mustn’t do this! It’s not the way!” Santa responded.

Krampus growled and roared, “I don’t care anymore! I’m tired of eating the tough, gristly, bitter-tasting meat I am allowed every Christmas. I want the sweet-tasting meat of innocence for once!”

Santa was beside himself. He knew he would have to do something. Not only could he not allow his brother to eat two innocent children, but he couldn’t allow him to break his oath to the Fairy of the Aurora Borealis, who centuries ago had given them their powers, and they served.

So, as Krampus bent back over the babies to complete his job, Santa sprung into action. He pulled a candy cane from his pocket and spoke the magic words, “HO, HO, HO!” The candy cane grew to club size, and Santa used it to boink Krampus on the head, before Krampus could harm one of the infants.

So Santa picked up the infants in one arm and dragged Krampus with the other arm back to the Christmas Village. He handed the infants to their mothers unharmed and continued with Krampus to his own jolly home. He had to show Krampus there was more to life than eating little boys and girls, bad or good.

Tying Krampus to a kitchen chair, he waited for him to wake from the hit on the head. It wasn’t too long before Santa heard Krampus moving.

“Here, try this,” Santa said as soon as Krampus's eyes had opened.

Krampus shook his head and sealed his mouth tight.

“Well, we’ll just have to stay here till you try it. Because I’m not untying you,” was Santa’s response.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, Krampus agreed to try the foreign food that Santa was forcing on him. As he chewed, a look of amazement crossed his face. “What is this amazing stuff? I must have more!”

“That, my Brother, is pork. Isn’t it delicious?” Santa answered as he grabbed a bite of meat.

“It’s so sweet and tender,” Krampus gushed, “I must have more!”

When Krampus was done eating a whole hog, he sat back and belched, then asked Santa, “Why’d you feed me such a good meal, Brother.”

“Well, you wanted to know what an innocent tasted like, so now you know. Innocence tastes like a well-cooked pork.”