Knock, Knock...

Whoever it was...they knocked again. Knock-knock!

"Who's there?" I called out.

"God," whoever it was answered sarcastically, "just answer the door!"

"God who?" I asked and laughed at my little joke.

I knew it was the landlord. I was behind two months on my rent. Or the city; I had never gotten that sidewalk fixed in front of my house. Why is their sidewalk my responsibility? It was going to cost $750, minimum. "Someone could trip on it, and we'd both get sued, the inspector warned."

"Then I'll just go bankrupt," I had answered.

"Fifty bucks a day is the fine until you get it fixed, fella," the inspector said as his parting sentiment.

"Fine," I said, but I didn't mean the fifty bucks.

That landlord! Overstuffed fancy-pants. Would it kill that fat bastard to let me slide a couple more weeks? Some city that wants me to pay! I actually campaigned for the mayor and he won. I even contributed what would have gone better toward my rent. So I get a form response when I send a handwritten letter to him to waive this sidewalk thing. Thanks for your interest, it read. Rest assured we will give your request serious consideration.

Knock-knock.

It must be the furniture people. Minimum payments till 2027 they said. Then they tell me about some fine print. I bet they're here to take my flatscreen TV. Everyone deserves a flatscreen TV, I would think.

Or it's some Jehovah's Witness. How I loathe those guys. Or was it the Mormons. Or the fire department wanting to honor their fallen with my donation.

All of these thorns in my side have made my life miserable. I mean, even though I have the money for these clowns,I hate these people. I hope the landlord just dies! His fat children can take months to settle his estate, which I'd appreciate as I move the rent further down my list. That mayor can burn in Hell for eternity! What happened to quid pro quo? Jackass! Same thing goes for that gopher who comes to my place to remind me, to scare me about people tripping. How many days now at fifty bucks a pop? Who cares! My TV has a pixel out--it's under warranty. They want money? How 'bout replacing it? How'd they like that. They'd lose money, that's how! They said complete satisfaction guaranteed, and that means every little, tiny damn pixel.

Maybe those fallen firefighters' families should have talked them into some other profession if they weren't all that good at it, right?

And those solicitors! Can't they read the signs? I don't even know them. I mean, I'm sure they're nice and all, but they can all go to Hell, too. This one loves God and that one loves Jesus and another one loves somebody else--and just who do I love? Me! No one else. No one can do me any good at all. So there! That's my answer to their knock-knock.

Knock-knock.

"Who's there!"

"God, will you answer the door already?"

"God who?" I laugh again at my joke.

"God Almighty, will you just answer the door? I've been trying to reach you. I'll keep knocking till you do. I swear."

Now I was really angry. It was time to settle this and sort out this bastard once and for all. I flung the door open and was blindsided.

It really was God. It really was God Almighty!

"About time!" God exclaimed.

"Oh, my God," I exclaimed right back at Him. "Who knew? This isn't Your style, door-to-door like you're selling vacuum cleaners.

"I'm glad you opened your door," He said. "Are you ready?"

"Ready? For what, exactly?"

"To come with Me."

"Oh, Lord, I don't know. Do you think I'm ready?"

"Hmm..." God answered, then said, "do you think so?"

"You're talking death, right? The afterlife. The everlasting glory and my final reward? Eternal happiness?"

"Hmm..."

"Waddaya mean, 'hmm...'?"

"I'm just thinking of how you feel about your fellow man."

"I'm OK with my fellow man. I get along with everyone. I like most people and they pretty much like me, too. The people I know."

"What ab0ut the landlord?"

"Oh, lemme tell ya about that landlord--"

"You don't have to," God said.

"Then you know." I laughed. "God knows You know."

"Hmm...and the mayor and the furniture people? Say, that's a great picture on your flatpanel. Backlit or QED?"

"Uh-oh," I said. I was beginning to get it.

"Have you considered your life in dedication to your savior, Jesus Christ?"

I'd heard that before! It was those damn Witnesses or Mormons or something.

"Sure, I love Jesus," I offered.

"And the landlord's fat children?"

"I don't even know them."

"Exactly. Do you have to know them to love them? You don't even know them and you hate them."

"If I don't know them, who cares?"

"I do, my child."

"So, Lord, just where are You going with all this?"

"You don't know?"

"Yeah, I suppose I do. All that crap really pales in comparison to Your omnipotence, omniscience, and--dare I say it?--Your infinite mercy."

"Go on," God urged me.

"And then I can just look around to see the trees in that forest of rent and interest and fines. Trees of what's obvious, showing the amazing things about You."

"Do you mean that?"

"I can mean it," I offered.

"Great," He answered. "Then, come with me."

He offered his glorious hand and led me away from my door, whereupon when we reached my sidewalk, I tripped on it, fell into the street, and was killed by one of the mayor's city buses.

"Perfect timing," God murmured.