Jack and I

Anyone who says straw is soft has obviously not slept on it. Still, it's better than sleeping on the ground. It's warm, and has a great smell, at least while it’s clean and dry. The truth is, I did sleep more often in the loft Dad built in the barn than I did in my own bed. I felt safe there, with my best friend. That was until it all burnt. Only I know what happened that night. No, that is not true, my best friend does, but he doesn’t talk. Even my father didn’t know, at least I don’t think he did. Anyway it doesn’t matter, because he is dead. That’s why everyone is here.

Jack and I sat inside at first, until Mum told me to ‘get that bloody dog outside!’ I didn’t mind. I hated the low murmur of voices, the sad glances in my direction, and even more I hated the filthy smell of tuna sandwiches. My siblings were being consoled by a red haired woman who I had seen a couple of times at my Dad’s work. They are three and five, and looked lost in their new black outfits, both a size to big, bought especially for today. I am thirteen. Too young to be included with the adults, and too old to be cute like my sisters. At least I have Jack.

I followed Jack over to the barn, at least what was left. The lingering aroma of the burnt wood tickled my nose. It was a pleasant smell, reminding me of winters by the fire toasting marshmallows. I did things like that with Dad. Fun things. It was Dad who gave me Jack. Mum was furious. ‘How in hell are we going to afford a dog?’ she had yelled. ‘You are going to have to take it back.’ I hated her when she said that. But Dad didn’t take him back, so it was OK. Dad made a bed for Jack in the barn. He said, ‘keep him away from your Mother, she will find something else to complain about.’

And she did.

The barn is the place I went to be with Jack.

Seven days before the fire

Jack always knew when the school bus was coming and he would be there. I would watch him as we approached. First his tail would twitch, moving faster and faster, until he could no longer sit. Finally the wagging would be so intense his whole body would wobble. By the time the doors opened he would be ready to pounce. The big sloppy kiss that followed would make some people cringe, but as long as he hadn’t been eating manure, which was one of his favourite past-times, I didn’t mind.

‘Good boy, Jack. Down Boy.’

I walked with Jack bouncing around my heels along the dirt driveway. About half a kilometre from the road we came to the barn. I filled up the water trough and put some kibble in his bowl.

‘Stay. I will be back soon.’

Jack looked a little disappointed.

The house was only a few hundred metres away. I could hear the music playing inside. Good, Mum must be in a good mood. I went straight to my bedroom, changing out of my uniform. Mum was in the kitchen.

‘How was your day?’

‘Great.' I reached for an apple. 'I came second in the maths test.’

She didn’t say anything.

‘Mum?’

She snapped her head towards me.

‘Why do you have to be so competitive?’

‘I just thought you would be proud?’

‘Well it was only second. Tell me when you come first. Dinner will be early tonight because I am going out with the girls.’

I shrugged and headed back to the barn.

Jack was waiting, his tail stirring up the dirt. His lips curled back in a lop-sided grin. Sitting at his feet was his ball. The air was still hot and sticky.

‘Ok boy, bring your ball, let’s go to the creek.’

***

I kept checking my watch. I didn’t want to go back up to the house before Dad got home, but it was getting late. One last throw. Jack jumped high in the air and caught the ball before it reach the water.

‘Come on boy, let’s go.’

Leaving Jack on the veranda I went straight to the kitchen.

‘Where have you been?’

‘The creek, with Jack.’

‘I told you we were having dinner early. You could have helped me with your sisters. I am so tired of this. Set the table. Where the fuck is your Father?’

She began to dish out dinner.

‘Get your sisters.’

We ate in silence. Instinctively we knew not to speak. Mum paced, watching the clock. I heard Dad’s car. Thank god. Mum met him at the door, yelling.

‘Where have you been? The pub I bet. You’ve been drinking I can smell it. The one night I ask you to come home and you can’t.’

‘For fuck sake, I am home aren’t I! You still have time to go.’

‘What and leave you with the kids, pissed? Forget it. Just forget it.’

She picked up his dinner and threw it at him.

‘I have had fucking enough!’ She stormed out of the room.

Dad looked at me and smiled. ‘How was your day?’

‘Good, I came second in my maths test.’

‘That’s great. Congratulations.’ He walked over and kissed me on the head. I could smell the beer on his breath.

‘Dad, why didn’t you come straight home?’

‘Would you want to come home if you had to face that?’

I understood.

I just didn’t have the option of going to the pub.

Five days before the fire

With the barn door open I could watch the stars. Jack rested his head on my chest, every now and then lifting his nose to catch the breeze that carried in the sweet smell of the summer jasmine. This is where I would come when they were fighting. I was grateful our neighbours were too far away to hear. The screeching made my hair prickle. I hated it. Sometimes I would cry, but not tonight. I just felt numb.

‘I want you out.’

‘This is my place too! I don’t want to go.'

'Well you should have thought of that before. I am sick of your drinking.’

‘What about the kids?’

‘They don’t want you here either!’

I heard the back door open and close. Dad’s footsteps grew louder as they approached the barn. He sat down next to me and gave Jack a pat.

‘Do you want me here?’

‘I want the fighting to stop. Please Dad.’

‘Do you mind if I sleep with you in the barn tonight?’

I shake my head.

‘Go get some blankets and pillows.’

Two-days before the fire

Dad hadn’t come home. It was late and I was worried. I was about to go to bed when I saw the two headlights rapidly approaching the house. He must have braked too hard, because I watched the car slide sideways, crushing Mum’s garden and stopping just off the veranda. Doors slammed. Almost immediately it began.

‘You’re drunk.’

‘Yeh, so what the fuck.’

‘Get the fuck out!’ Mum pointed towards the door.

I heard my sister start to cry.

‘Look what you've done now. I have just got them to sleep.’

‘Look what I’ve fuckin’ done. Yeh it’s always me. Well I’m not fuckin’ goin’. So just fuck off.’

Mum went to push Dad out the door. ‘Get out!’ she screeched.

Dad looked at me. His eyes large and vacant. He pushed Mum against the wall.

‘This is what I have to put up with, this!’

‘Dad stop! Please stop. Go. Just get out.’

‘You’re just like her.’

Mum lay crumpled on the floor. Tears streaming from her eyes.

‘No! I’m not. You’re drunk. Just go.’ My teeth clenched so tight my jaw ached. Running towards him I didn’t see him raise his hand, but I felt its blow.

Things went still and silent. Heat radiated from my check. In slow motion I sprinted to the barn. I could hear him behind me. Chasing me. Jack was there. Growling. Dad started to laugh. My body shook from fear and shock. Jack and I dived under the blankets that only the day before I had shared with my Father.

Sometime during the night I saw the flashing of lights through the cracks in the barn walls. I didn’t get up. Holding Jack close I listened as the police took my Father away.

Twenty-four hours before the fire

Jack panted softy. The air, thick with summer dust, carried the cicadas’ chorus. I wondered if I could sneak Jack into my room so we could sleep with the fan. Everything was good. At least until I saw the two headlights turn into the driveway.

‘Mum! Mum! Dad is coming!’ I ran inside, my heart beating so fast I was choking.

The car slid to a stop. He left the lights on, the door opened.

‘I’ve come to get my clothes.’ His face pallid and sad.

I turned to Mum, a smirk crossed over her face. She calmly walked into the kitchen and grabbed some garbage bags and threw them at him. Take these.

Dad packed his things. Kissed me on my head, and mouthed ‘I am sorry.’ Then he was gone.

I watched him leave and took Jack to sleep in the barn.

Day of the fire

It was Saturday. I slept in. I was woken by the sound of a car pulling up and then hysterical yelling.

‘What are you doing here?’

'I am sorry, look can’t we sort this out.’

‘It has gone past that. Just get out.’

I walked out of the barn. Dad was at the front steps, mum stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. He looked broken.

‘Go or I will call the police.’

Dad left. I watched as his car turned out of the driveway.

A few hours later he returned.

Two hours before the fire

Dad paced the barn. Every few steps he staggered, than picked himself up, spilling a bit of his beer as he did. His eyes were blazing but blank. He was in a rage. Rambling. I begged him to stop, just to lie down and sleep. I went to grab his arm to drag him to the bed we had made only a week before. Then he hit me. I felt myself flung across the barn floor and saw splatters of blood fall like stars to the ground. A wave of nausea hit as I tried to focus on the room that reeled around me.

I didn’t see it happen. I heard a growl and a scream, and then the warmth of Jack laying next to me. Unconsciousness visited me in waves.

When I woke there was quiet. My head hurt like blazers. Jack whimpered and licked my face. I sat up and the room swam. Dad was laying face down, a dark stain soaked the floor around him. I crawled towards him, and my hands touched the sticky fluid. Jack whimpered again.

The fire

It was early morning, everyone was still asleep. I brought in a bucket of water and washed Jack. It wasn’t cold but he shivered.

My Dad was still. I reached for the kerosene lamp and dropped it onto his body and watched the flames ignite. They were warm and comforting. The straw burnt easily and I watch it climb the dried out wooden supports. I could smell his body burn and hear his skin crackle. It was becoming difficult to breathe. My eyes stung. I could feel Jack pulling at my clothes. He didn’t stop, not until I stood unsteadily on my feet and followed him to the door.

Behind me the fire took hold.