It’s What’s After Me
How to let go….
By Skyler SaundersPublished 19 days ago • Updated 17 days ago • 3 min read
Photo by The Good Funeral Guide on Unsplash
- First, pull out of the closet in the bedroom, not the master room, but the guest room, the powder blue shirt, your mother knows which one
- Match it with the navy blue suit which is actually in the master bedroom. I know, don’t ask why. But leave enough room for your Aunt Niheea to taper it. She’d never forgive me if I don’t let her tailor it
- Next, take the gold cufflinks and allow a professional to shine them to a high gloss at the jewelry store in town. Permit no one to touch the jewels. The platinum and diamond rings must be handled by an actual jeweler, as well
- Make sure the funeral director is given the other set of instructions I have created to accompany this list for you. Take them over to her and entrust that she knows every part. Most of it reflects this set in your hands right now
- Now, make sure you place the thousand dollar cigars in my breast pocket. Keep an eye out for smokers who will test you
- Next, fold the poem on the dresser and leave that in the back of the cigars. Don’t allow anyone to read the poem. It’s only for you and your mama
- Then, during the actual service, play Phyllis Deaver’s Fourth Concerto. The notes are down but never bitter
- Keep your Aunt Cecilia from Aunt Mauve as they will fight and there will be no fighting at my service
- Install a six-foot flower arrangement in the sign of a Delacoin. This should be adjacent to the casket. It should be striking and imposing
- After you and the rest of the family sit, (and remember those warring aunts!)check with the funeral director that the WiFi connection is strong. Allow her to see that the people use their phones and tablets to read about my life
- Next, provide the site for the service and encourage them to use their ear devices. The room should be slightly chilled but not to discomfort
- Make sure the music that follows is pop and hip hop instrumentals
- Keep the atmosphere light and use sage and cinnamon smoke to enhance the overall experience. There should be low lights and a laser show
- Allow the main speaker to address my nonbelief and how this is the end of me. I never believed in God and that ought to be reflected
- When you drive my remains through the city of Wilmington, Delaware in the white horse drawn carriage, make sure you pass the bakery, the clothing factory, and the bank. It’s about my fortune following me, so be sure that an armored truck follow my carriage to the victory lap around Wilmington
- Ensure that the horses receive protection from the traffic and allow them to further transfer my remains to the crematory
- Now, I will be cremated so there will be no reason for the carriage to go to the cemetery. Only your siblings and your Mama will be given access to the room
- Before they put me in the flames, let them put me in a cardboard box. During that last viewing, make sure my body is wrapped in all brown linen
- Say your final goodbyes but leave enough time for the booze
- Pour the deluxe gin I stashed behind the vodka on the top shelf of my bar all over my body. I need you to really douse me. Permit the potent potable to saturate what’s left of me like a cake soaking up all of it
- Everyone who is willing should place their right hand on the box. If Gaston doesn’t want to, I’m okay with that
- Keep the remains and save it in a canister. Soon, you all should spread them in the Atlantic near the house in Rehoboth Beach. Give your mama a chance to spread the last bit of her “Mr. Huggable”
- After you have discarded totally all of my remains, go to the convention center
- Don’t have a repast, but an after party. Have my favorite band play math rock. You all will get it, most people will not stick around for too long
- Allow for family members to tell tales about my life. If they’re still around after the music, they should be pouring more liquor into the stones outside the hall
- Eat the spread to be laid out by Chef Levinson. Lobster, steak, caviar, saffron, and truffles must be on the menu. Chicken fingers and fries for the kids
- Enjoy the food and snap pictures before the adults get too drunk. I love you. This is not my “homegoing” but my blink from reality. Continue to love your life and don’t forget the cufflinks! If I am to be missed, just think of me and wink and smile.
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Skyler Saunders
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