It's All My Fault

I was in the middle of packing my belongings for the long voyage ahead. Only a few days until the RMS Titanic gets its grand send-off. "David! Thank you for meeting me. I can see you're very busy." My friend Jim, who I’ve worked alongside for many years, entered the room.

"No worries, Jim. What was so urgent that you needed to see me?" Jim had an uneasy look and cleared his throat. Swinging his arms and glancing around timidly as if trying to muster up the courage to speak “Jim? Are you alright?”. He slowly turned towards the door and gestured for someone else to enter. When I saw the gentleman who joined us, I was pleasantly surprised. “Henry? Henry Wilde?” I walked over and shook his hand. “It’s not often that you and I get to chat. What brings you to my home, sir?"

Jim cleared his throat again and held his hands behind his back. "David. Henry is…taking on the title of Titanic's Chief Naval Officer." My brows furrowed in confusion at his statement. I released Henry's hands and took a few steps back.

"What are you talking about? William is the Chief Officer.” The two of them exchanged a look. “What are you two on about?"

“White Star Line has decided to simply shift the commanding officers down a rank. Meaning that William and Charles will act as the new first and second officers, respectively.”

There was a long pause following this news. Jim carefully watched the war of emotions taking place on my face. He may have stopped talking, but no more words were needed. I quickly figured out where this was going. Because of this shift in command, I will no longer be needed aboard the Titanic for her first voyage. I glanced at an uncomfortable-looking Henry. He said nothing and continued to bore holes into the floor with his eyes. “But the ship is mere days away from leaving Southampton. Why so suddenly?”

“It was decided Mr. Wilde would be a better fit. His experience on the RMS Olympic made him a more appealing choice."

I could feel the anger steadily grow within me. Through gritted teeth, I snapped back at Jim, “They should have thought of this before! Do you know how much time and planning has gone into my preparations for this voyage? I’ve turned my life upside down for this trip. I have people whom I’m supposed to meet in New York. And my pay? Will it be cut-will I get any compensation at all? What in God’s name are they thinking?! Playing with people’s lives like that!"

"David, please." My ranting was interrupted by a stern yet empathetic voice. Henry gently grabbed my shoulders and turned me towards him. "Don’t take it personally. I understand what you're going through. This isn't the first time the company has done this sort of thing. And I can assure you it won’t be the last. I myself had to scramble and get things organized for the switch. Also, you need not worry about payment. You will be compensated for your efforts."

I closed my eyes and ran my hand down my face in an effort to calm myself. I walked away from the two of them and looked out the window. "They couldn't even have me working alongside you and the others?"

"The company felt you were too far up in the ranks to simply give you a lower than the title of an officer."

"So they were trying to protect my pride, were they?" I chuckled bitterly at the thought. “So what now?”

"For now, you rest here and enjoy the spare time with your family. I was told you would be assigned to a new ship, shortly."

Hand on my hips, I stood up tall. I need to pull myself together. I am a gentleman, after all. This is no way to behave. "Henry, Jim. Thank you for coming all this way. I apologize deeply for my outburst." I shook their hands, firmly. My eyes focus on Henry, once more-a sly smirk on my face. "Take care of them for me, yeah. Especially this big oaf here." I nodded toward Jim. He rolled his eyes in a dramatic fashion and left the room shaking his head.

With a firm squeeze of his palm, Henry replied, "Of course, David. They're in good hands."

----

On the day of departure, loud and happy voices can be heard as the Titanic began pulling away from the port. Photographers scrambled to take their shots of the massive vessel. I slowly walked along the edge as I watched it drift away. I was informed of my new assignment. Starting now, I’ll be acting as second officer aboard the RMS Majestic. Although I still get to travel on the open waters, I can’t help but acknowledge the ping of disappointment within me. The RMS Titanic is a new chapter in the book of luxury liners. I wanted to be a part of that. To have that memory forever etched into my mind. But that chance was stripped from me. With a heavy sigh, I turned my back to the ocean and made my way back home.

----

It was just a week later as I said goodbye to my new fellow crewmates. We had just completed some routine training and were given early leave. I made my way through the main square. Well, more like I struggled to make my way through. A large group of people was crowding the tabloid kiosk. There must have been nearly a hundred or so individuals trying to snatch a paper. The poor man running the kiosk could barely keep up. Eventually, I got by the madness and continued my route home.

“Madeline. I’m home, love.” My voice echoed in the front foyer. Odd. She usually responds right away. “Honey? You home?” Sniffles were heard around the corner. I stuck my head into the sitting room. The sight before me broke my heart. My always cheerful and bright-faced wife sat crying on our sofa. Her petite frame hunched over as she clutched the daily tabloid in her delicate fingers. “No…no, no, no.” She kept repeating over and over again. “As I approached her, Madeline looked up in my direction and ran to me; practically throwing herself onto me. “David! They’re gone!”

“Madeline, calm down. What’s wrong? Who's gone?”

With teary eyes, she glanced up at me and uttered the words, “The Titanic. It…it sank.” I froze. I couldn’t move. It sank? No, that can’t be. The ship was as sturdy as ever. We tested it many times. It should have been able to take anything the sea threw at it. Madeline bent down and picked up the paper she dropped; giving it to me. I read the title many times. Each time praying that I was just tired. That my eyes and mind were playing a trick on me. But no matter how many times I read the headline, it didn’t change.

“ICEBERG SINKS THE RMS TITANIC”

My fingers trembled as the reality of the situation settled in. That would explain the unruly crowd this afternoon. Many people in this town had friends and loved ones aboard the ship. As far as anyone knows, more than half the passengers are unaccounted for and there’s no way of contacting anyone in charge. “I don’t believe it. How could this happen?” On the last page of the article, a photo caught my attention. He was bandaged up and laying in a hospital bed. Although it was hard to make out his features, he did look familiar. A caption underneath the photo read, “SECOND OFFICER SURVIVES DISASTER”. I thought I recognized the man. It’s Charles. He was amongst those recovered at the wreck. I abruptly turned to leave the house.

“Where are you going, David!?” I heard Madeline yell.

“To get some answers.”

----

“Sir-SIR! You can’t go in there!”

I trudged through the halls frantically looking for the name ‘Lightholler’. Once I found it, I burst through the door. The sight before me shocked my being to the core. There, nestled between the white sheets layed Charles Herbert Lightoller. The strong, proud officer I worked beside for many years looked small and drained of life. His frame was smaller and his mouth was dry. Hands and face shriveled from the many hours floating in the salty sea. My loud entry caused Charles to look at the door. A small smile graced his lips. Before either one of us could utter a single word, the nurse that chased after me grabbed my shoulder. “Sir. I have to ask you to leave. Mr. Lightoller needs to re-”

“It’s alright. Let him stay.” Charles' hoarse voice spoke up, interrupting the nurse.

“But you need your rest. Are you sure?” Charles nodded in assurance. She looked conflicted but decided to leave us be. Once she left, I scrambled to sit by Charles’ bedside.

“Charles.” I gently grasped his hand. It was still so cold. “What happened?”

He looked up towards the ceiling and closed his eyes. “The bottom of the boat was breached. An iceberg, at least 200 feet long. The lookouts didn’t see it in time. We tried turning the ship and shutting off the engines. But it was too late. She was going too fast and collided with the sharp edge of the ice.”

“How many of the passengers survived?”

“It was hard to see. But it didn’t look like many people reached the lifeboats. There was…so much screaming.”

My grip tightened and my anxiety rose as the dire question I needed answered loomed over my head. “And…the crew?” Charles turned his head to face me. He knew what I wanted-no. Needed to ask. “How many of our men survived? What about our captain? What about Jim, William, and Henry?” Eyes brimming with tears, he sorrowfully shook his head.

“I’m sorry David. I told Jim to follow me and the others. But he went back for the others. They were trapped on the lower levels of the ship. After ushering the remaining passengers and crew into the lifeboats, I waited for as long as I could for them. Then a strong wave knocked me into the water. I managed to cling onto an overturned boat, but when I glanced behind me, the ship was more than halfway under sea level. Within hours the mighty Titanic had sunk to the ocean floor. The entire time I didn’t see another living soul make it to the surface.” After hours of holding in my emotions, everything exploded out all at once. The pain of not knowing the fate of those closest to me became too much to bear. Charles placed his free hand on top of mine as he too let his tears flow.

----

Time waits for no one. Not even the unfortunate souls of the dead. It took days for bodies to be recovered from the ocean. Out of the 2,208 passengers and crew that had initially set sail with the RMS Titanic on April 10th, only 706 survived. The funeral held on behalf of the friends and family of the fallen took place only a few days ago. From what I gathered, a couple hundred of the crew made it home safely, but nearly three times as many were lost at sea. Not a single officer besides Charles, nor Captain Edward Smith survived either. Their loved ones wailed with sadness; knowing none of them were coming back. So many lives were destroyed by a bloody piece of ice.

I sat on my bed. In my hand, is a photo of Jim and I. Back when the two of us first joined White Star Line in 1902. I missed everything about him. His jokes, his crushing bear hugs, and most of all, his heart. We made a pact on our first voyage together that no matter what happens to either of us, the other would look after his family. After collecting ourselves, Madeline and I offered for Jim’s wife, Lilith, to live with us. It won’t be easy for her to provide for herself. Especially with the delivery of their unborn son quickly approaching. Thankfully, she accepted and allowed Madeline to help her, daily. Once the child was born, It was a unanimous decision to name him after his late father.

"They're well looked after, friend. You can rest easy. Wherever you are." Rapid footsteps interrupt my thoughts. I see tiny fingers and curly hair through the cracked open door. Brown eyes peek at me from between the brown locks. “Hi, princess. C’mere.” My daughter Elizabeth ran into my arms. Her presence temporarily makes the pain go away.

“Daddy! Mommy says dinner is ready.”

“Ok, sweetheart. Tell mommy I’ll be right there.” I kissed her head and sent her on her way. While leaving, Elizabeth clumsily bumped into the coat rack.

“Uh-oh!”

“Don’t worry, love. Go eat before your food gets cold.”

I bent down and gathered my navy jacket from the floor. It had been a while since I wore my jacket. I ran my hand over the fabric and thought about the good times. I took a few minutes to put on the jacket and look at myself in the mirror. I tried to put on a confident and professional face, but I couldn’t keep up with the facade. As I went to remove the jacket, I felt something sticking to my side. “What on Earth is that?” Thinking it was a loose pin, I actively searched for the source. In my breast pocket, I discovered a key. There was no indicator of what it was meant for other than a tag with an inscription reading, “RMS. Titanic” The Titanic? So this key belonged to the ship. But that’s impossible. I relinquished all property to the other officers before I left. I continued to examine the key but couldn’t shake the tugging sensation on my brain. It was like I had forgotten something extremely important. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it.

“I gave back the key to my locker. The only other item I was in charge of was the key to the binoculars case in the crow’s…nest.” A large lump sank down to my stomach. I looked down at the tiny piece of metal I held between my fingers. My arms trembled as the fear kicked in. There’s no way. Please God, let it not be true. With all the strength I could muster, I flipped the tag around to reveal the words on the back. Crow’s Nest Key. Binoculars. "Oh my God. I think I’m going to be sick.” My chest went cold. My legs became weak and I crumpled to the floor. I forgot to give Frederick the key to the binocular case. How could I have been so careless? How did I not notice it in my pocket until now? Is that why they crashed? Because they couldn’t see far enough into the foggy, Atlantic, night air? The strained grunts and gags turned into uncontrollable crying at the realization that my mistake is what most likely doomed the Titanic and everyone on board.

“God forgive me! I’m so sorry! Jim…I’m so, so sorry!” I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped at the sudden contact and looked up to find…Jim…kneeling down beside me. I rubbed my eyes once, twice, and a third time. Nothing changed. There, right before me was my supposedly dead best friend. In barely a whisper, with a voice I could barely muster, I uttered a small “Are you really here?” He shook his head and helped me up to my feet. I couldn’t help myself and hugged him. It felt so good to feel his strong embrace. I know this is all in my head, but…it feels so real. “My dear friend, I’m such a damn fool.”

“No, David. The key wouldn’t have made a difference.”

“We don’t know that. They may have been able to see the iceberg before it was too late.”

“The fog was too thick to see through. Even with the binoculars. We were also slightly off course because of it. That’s how we ended up by Newfoundland.” I hung my head in disbelief. “It isn’t your fault, David. Besides, we found out about the key shortly after the departure. We could have turned back, but the Captain chose against it.” He grasped my shoulders firmly. “I came here to reassure you that you had no part in what happened to us. And I want to thank you for watching over my family.”

“Madeline had friends aboard the ship. And Lilith. What will she think once I tell her?”

“She’ll understand.”

“How can you be so sure? She’ll view me as the man who caused her husband’s death.”

“I know my wife. She is anything but bitter. She has nothing but compassion and forgiveness in her heart. Tell them.”

I glanced down once more at the key in my hand. He was right. No matter the outcome…they deserve to know. Everyone deserves to know. A timid knock made me spin around. I saw Lilith in the doorway. “Sorry to scare you, Madeline asked me to check up on you. We heard yelling and got worried.” I could hear Jim’s words echoing in the back of my mind. I had to go through with this.

“Ah. I was just coming down now. I uh, have something to tell you.”

END