It Doesn't Matter

I watched her head loll above her neck, moving slightly with the ups and downs of the train. She was taking too long to wake up. I gripped her frail shoulder and gave it a good shake. Her eyelids were sandbags and she took her time opening them.

“I thought you went ahead and died on me.” I sat back in the seat across from her.

Dovie cracked a wry grin at this, but it disappeared into her weathered face as she took in her surroundings. It was night and the lights in the car were dim. The windows offered occasional flashes of lightning. I could see her neck was still stiff from falling. She took her time shifting around to look at everything. Watching her hinge around like that irritated me; everything she did was in slow motion.

“It’s a train. We’re obviously on a train.” She opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off. “I knew I shouldn’t have brought you. You almost ruined everything. You know that? We almost didn’t make it in time because I had to lug your old ass on board.”

Dovie was patient and knew me well. We’d spent years together at this point. You don’t exactly get to pick your neighbors, but she became my closest friend anyway. Now Dovie waited to see if I was going to issue another complaint before she tried to speak again. “You conned me into it, huh? I don’t remember even getting out.”

I rolled my eyes at this. “You said you wanted to come with me. That I shouldn’t do it alone. Why’s it matter how I got you here. We are here and more importantly we’re not there.”

She made a show of patting the sides of her hips. “I take it you didn’t exactly buy us tickets?”

I hated when she made me laugh while I was agitated. “No shit.” She looked like she was going to say something else but closed her mouth again. Another flash of lightning offered me an opportunity to study her face again. I never got to see her this close, this unobstructed. “You really are an ugly old broad, you know that?”

Dovie let out her wheezy cackle. “And you are much more attractive than that low, gruff voice indicates. What’s it matter anyway?”

“Yeah, yeah. Nothing matters, I know. You are just as old as any broken record.”

She croaked out another laugh before we returned to silence. Our conversations often ended abruptly, but to us it wasn’t awkward. We were comfortable in the quiet.

**

I used to think silence would drive me crazy. I missed street racket and eavesdropping on the arguments of neighbors. I couldn’t do anything without some sort of background noise, including fall asleep. When they locked me in my new home, I didn’t mind the bare walls or the small space. What kept me up at night was the silence. I wished they could’ve at least stuck me in gen pop. Dovie was the first in my new cohort to speak to me.

“So who put you in here?”

“I honestly don’t remember the judge’s name.”

“No, not him. Who messed with you enough to make you cross some lines? Me? It was my husband and his wandering pecker. Boring and cliché, I know.”

“Oh. I didn’t actually do anything.”

“Of course not. Still believe you’ll succeed in an appeal? Nobody’s listenin’ now honey.”

She was hungry for some new gossip. I’m sure it didn’t come around often in this part of the prison. “You were the kinda lady who was always stuffing her beak through the curtains in someone else’s life, weren’t you?”

Then she let out that laugh I’ve grown to love. “How else would I have caught him in the act?”

I laughed too, feeling a little more normal. “I’m Daniella, but you can call me Dani.”

“I don’t care.” She waited a moment. “I’m Dovie.” Then we fell into our first comfortable silence.

**

“So where are we goin’ Dani?”

“Does it matter?”

She grinned and I saw a few holes between yellow teeth. “You don’t know do you?”

“No.”

“This is nice, though.” I could tell she meant it. Her light blue eyes concentrated beyond the window. “It’s moving out there. I like seeing movement outside of my window.” She’d been in there far longer than I had. Fifteen years on Death Row, which she reminded me of every time I complained about the five I’d spent in there. “Isn’t it so weird to think they were about to put us down like the dogs from animal control?”

“It’s just as cruel to do to the dogs.”

“Still. Pentobarbital. Did you know there’s a shortage?” Now she was laughing so hard she couldn’t get the rest out. She held up one gnarled finger and I waited, at first annoyed, but by her third eruption of laughter I couldn’t help but join in.

“What’s so funny?” I was actively reeling in the corners of my mouth from smiling.

“That Georgia passed a law, hold on hold on. Whew. Okay. Georgia passed a law that allows them to keep where they get their supply from a ‘state secret.’”

“Sounds like any other astute dealer out there. One of my friends on the outside had absolutely no problem getting it. She was addicted, then accidentally OD’d.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

I shrugged. It was years ago, and I was too messed up on other things at the time to properly grieve. I looked outside again. “Does it seem like we’re going faster to you?”

Dovie nodded. “I was in there a while. Never been on a train this fast but I figured they must’ve just gotten faster and smoother like everything else in the world. People never can just leave things alone.”

The images outside the windows whooshed by in a visual static of black with splintering lines of white. My skin prickled. Something wasn’t right. We were going too fast. “Maybe I can find a conductor. Or an emergency brake.” We were in the middle of the train car and at this point I didn’t know which way led to the front and which to the back. I picked a side and grabbed the handle in time to watch the other train car separate from ours. The ride got faster and bumpier.

“Dovie.” I spoke slowly. It felt like I would choke on my tongue. My body was hot and a sick feeling rose from my stomach. “We’re alone here. I think we’re going to crash or flip or something. We’re going to die.”

“We were always going to die. We were going to die in there.”

“But we got out. We had the chance to live.” A sharp pain punched from behind my forehead. “We were going to make it.”

“Would you have done what you did if you knew you’d get caught?”

“I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to kill my sister! We were messed up, the both of us. It wasn’t my fault. Dovie, please, it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t mean to.” I thought my skull was going to split open from the pressure before but now it released in tears down my face and snot dripping from my nose, over my lips, and down my chin. “I would take it all back if I could.”

“You girls didn’t know what would happen. You were having thoughtless, moronic, fun. If you did know, I guarantee you would have ended your flirtation with drug experimentation before it began. Only, you didn’t know.” Her eyes were fading before me. The already light blue was giving way to a soft white.

“This isn’t the same thing. We chose this. We didn’t choose the death penalty.”

“We chose without knowing what would happen. Either way it was out of our control. Don’t you see that? You made a choice years ago which gave you a death date set by the state. Then, we chose this train, and now we are going to die all the same.”

“Why are you so calm? How can you be so calm right now?”

“I made peace with my fate a long time ago.”

“Why would you come with me?” Her peace so contrasted my panic that I wanted to ruin it for her. I wanted her to second guess herself. I wanted her to be just as scared as I was.

“At least this way neither of us has to die alone.” The train lurched and the already dim light went out. In the darkness her fiery white eyes were slits cut through an ever-swelling face.

**

There was the familiar wipe of an alcohol swab followed by the prick of a needle. My insides burned and then the train finally stopped.