Instruction Manual: "Decommissioning a Human- Asset"

Purpose

This document outlines the standardized procedure for permanently removing a malfunctioning human-asset from active service.

Objectives:

• Minimize collateral emotional fallout

• Preserve institutional reputation

• Ensure the author remains comfortably employed while the subject takes an indefinite leave of absence

The process is not designed for cruelty.

Cruelty implies intent.

This is efficiency.

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1. Preliminary Assessment

1.1 Confirm Defect

Verify that the asset exhibits at least three of the following indicators:

• Chronic under-performance

• Persistent existential dread

• An alarming tendency to ask questions such as “What am I even doing here?”

If these concerns have already surfaced in the break room, the defect is obvious.

1.2 Document Evidence

Compile a concise dossier (maximum 300 words) containing:

• Dates

• Missed deadlines

• Notable quotes such as “I’m tired of pretending” or “I don’t think this is sustainable.”

Attach screenshots of any relevant internal messaging threads.

Brevity is critical. Senior leadership prefers bullet points to memoirs.

1.3 Obtain Second Opinion

Forward the dossier to a peer—preferably someone scheduled on a different shift.

If the response is “Sounds about right,” proceed.

If they ask follow-up questions, you are either being thorough or a sociopath. Choose carefully.

1.4 Risk Evaluation

Assign a risk level (Low / Medium / High) based on the potential for disruption.

For High-risk assets, proceed directly to Section 7.

Note: The higher the risk, the richer the justification.

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2. Notification Protocol

2.1 Schedule a Meeting

Book a 15-minute calendar slot labeled “Career Development” or “Re-Alignment Discussion.”

Vague language prevents early detection.

2.2 Prepare Script

Use the following template, adjusting pronouns as needed:

“We’ve noticed a misalignment between your personal aspirations and the organization’s trajectory. To preserve both parties’ well-being, we recommend an immediate, mutually beneficial disengagement.”

Corporate phrasing functions as insulation.

2.3 Deliver with Poise

Speak slowly. Maintain eye contact. Nod occasionally, as if receiving important feedback.

The asset may display emotional instability. This is expected.

2.4 Offer ‘Support’

Provide a pre-filled severance form and a list of recommended career-coaching services.

All services should be owned, directly or indirectly, by the consultancy that hired you.

Monetization is part of closure.

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3. Asset Extraction

3.1 Collect Physical Property

Retrieve access badge, laptop, company-issued coffee mugs, etc.

Place them in a locked drawer labeled Miscellaneous.

The coffee mug is symbolic. It is often the last thing they touch.

3.2 Disable Access

Immediately revoke VPN and email credentials.

Enable an automated reply stating:

“I am no longer with the organization. Please direct all inquiries to my supervisor.”

This prevents late-night clarity.

3.3 Archive Communications

Export all email history to a compressed file labeled:

FinalReport_AssetName.zip

Password-protect using 12345.

Security is less important than procedure, and a laughable password reinforces the absurdity of the whole affair.

3.4 Dispose of Personal Effects

Box all remaining items—photos, notebooks, plants, half-eaten lunches.

Label the box Office Supplies.

Ship to the asset’s home address with a handwritten note:

Enjoy your new beginnings.

Do not include punctuation.

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4. Internal Documentation

4.1 File Decommission Report

Upload the dossier, meeting minutes, and severance paperwork to the internal compliance portal.

Tag as Confidential.

Confidentiality ensures no one reads it.

4.2 Update Organizational Chart

Replace the asset’s name with Vacant.

Add note: “Position under review.”

Vacancy is a flexible narrative tool.

4.3 Inform Stakeholders

Send a brief email:

“Please welcome the incoming lead who will assume responsibilities effective immediately.”

Do not clarify that the role remains unfilled.

Ambiguity encourages obedience.

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5. Follow-Up Monitoring

5.1 Monitor Backlash

For seventy-two hours, track internal channels for mentions of the asset’s name.

If a meme appears, respond with a neutral thumbs-up.

Escalation is unnecessary.

5.2 Assess Morale

Deploy an anonymous internal survey within forty-eight hours of decommissioning.

Use neutral phrasing. Recommended prompt:

“How satisfied are you with recent organizational changes?”

Provide a sliding scale with the following options:

• Very satisfied

• Satisfied

• Neutral

• Adjusting

• Prefer not to say

Do not include an option for grief.

Grief complicates metrics.

If optional comments are enabled, skim but do not internalize. Statements such as “This feels wrong,” “They deserved better,” or “I don’t feel safe anymore,” should be flagged as emotional leakage and archived for future training purposes.

Morale is considered stable when productivity resumes and no one says the asset’s name out loud.

5.3 Normalize the Absence

Within one business week, redistribute the asset’s responsibilities across at least three remaining team members.

This prevents any single individual from recognizing the full scope of what has been lost.

If questioned, refer to the redistribution as “a growth opportunity.”

Growth opportunities are rarely declined.

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6. Contingency Plan (If the Asset Reappears)

Occasionally, decommissioned assets resurface.

This may occur in the form of an email, a calendar invite, or an unexpectedly articulate exit interview posted publicly.

Remain calm.

6.1 Reframe the Narrative

Describe the return as “unexpected” and “emotionally charged.”

Emphasize concern.

Concern is disarming.

6.2 Offer Conditional Reintegration

Propose a temporary role with reduced scope and diminished authority.

Suggested titles include:

• Consultant

• Interim Support

• Project Assistant

The role must feel adjacent to relevance without containing any actual power.

6.3 Monitor Compliance

If the asset accepts, observe closely for signs of self-respect.

If the asset refuses, document the refusal as “a lack of adaptability.”

Either outcome is acceptable.

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7. Final Note: The Unwritten Clause

Failure to adhere strictly to this manual may result in prolonged emotional turbulence, unexpected empathy, and a lingering sense of personal responsibility.

Such outcomes are undesirable for both the author and the institution.

Author’s Disclaimer

This guide was drafted under duress following the “Incident of ’21,” when an ill-fated attempt at honest conversation led to an impromptu resignation.

The author has since been promoted to “Senior Process Engineer” and now enjoys a view of the city’s skyline from the 23rd floor.

Fine Print

If you have read this far, you are, by design, the asset in question.

The meeting you just scheduled with yourself will take place at 3PM, in the conference room labeled "TBD".

The severance form is attached to this email under the filename:

YourFuture.pdf

Remember: the only control afforded to an asset is not whether it is decommissioned -- but whether it continues to call itself one.

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End of Document

Version 1.3

Approved by the Department of Operational Efficiency (with appreciation)