insomnia

A cold sludge is creeping into your mind, making everything heavy. Your weighted eyes are peeled open to the day, and the light screams in. It doesn’t feel warm anymore. Just sad. It’s like life is decaying, and it is such a chore to breathe…to try grab the world as it slips on through your fingers.

Work. Exams. Friends. They buzz on by, in an impossible force of light. It’s a strain to keep track of. You used to know them, your friends, a marvelous universe of beauty, pain, and feelings. They had hobbies. Goals. You used to engage and laugh. Now they laugh around you with their fog of a voice , as you fade into your seat, a headache throbbing through your skull. You just wish you could stay here with them forever- come on why can’t you see me- but sleep calls and guess what, you can’t even pick up. Your eyes will burn later, and you know it, filled with tears, as you howl at the night to please, please take you. Away! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SLEEP. Your body, broken, begs for rest, but your mind, that you thought you could agree with- that would be normal, wouldn’t it- tears it away. It sends you streams of anonymous fear to keep you shaken awake instead. Thoughts you can’t decode. Murmurs of the past you haven’t the strength to listen to. They battle it out past 4 am when the birds… sing you good morning. What? How- and in your red-eyed rage you contemplate blasting them to bits, having their feathers rain down into the road. They’ll never sing again.

But, quiet…remember when you used to love the sound? It was a sweet hello to the day. A day…Not the aching, groaning stretch and blur of yesterday, tomorrow, Saturday, last week…It barely makes sense, though you try to thread the confusing memories together. Honestly, what did you do then?

Why did you have to go ruin things for yourself?

Get up, the future is dropping like flies. Remember the plans, the opportunities, you used to love? When health was in your hands, anything was possible, the world was a haven of starry dreams, a mountain away from reality. But you could climb. You trusted yourself, you boasted of having every opportunity, the doors swung open wide for possibility. And impossibility. You didn’t even have to differentiate. It was just that great. Like standing outside and waiting for the sunshine to smile across the sky. Oh, remember when you could run for hours and never become tired. They used to say- “there’s the athlete!” You used the think you could challenge the wind to a duel, because when it was hitting you in the face, your pace barely even slowed…You were amazing.

But today you aren’t even worth staying for. Waiting for. You let it all go. Like the hearts that pull away from you, sailing off into their own prospects. Because they can. They all have to the time and the energy to study and connect. You can only cry after them, counting down your list of friends, watching your safety shrink smaller and smaller until the only thing left standing in your circle is you. A dot. Pointless. And no one calls your name anymore. Not that you noticed. How can you explain that sometimes, you can’t hear beyond the rushing in your ears…Megan wants your attention, but Megan can’t see that when you stood up you ended up almost smashing your face into the desk. It happened constantly, but somehow each time panic still leapt into your throat and seized the air. Crushing you, crushing your heart as it starts racing. And you cried as you got scared. Little streams down your face. What if one day you hit your head, you say, terrified. But no one understood that fear. No one cares…

Whilst you were sobbing over there, she decided you were becoming rude. She can’t keep with your endless list of excuses that you know you cannot keep making. “I’m so tired.” It has a different meaning for her- you get it, you understand, you tell yourself you’ll be better-everyone is always tired, “it’s a Monday.” Just wake up, do some aromatherapy. Have you tried sleep hygiene? Maybe turn your phone off a bit earlier. Like it never occurred to you to give “sleeplessness” a quick google.

It couldn’t just be a google. The NHS website is your mind, the insomnia page is your lifestyle. And other taps are opening. You caught the common cold, but you’ve been coughing for over a month. Why? You’ve never been this sick before. It’s a jarring feeling, realizing this doesn’t seem to be going away. Realizing it might be here to say. If you don’t give yourself a break now. If you don’t…quit. Wave goodbye to, what you thought was, the whole world…Drop out and recover? How, how can you do that, you’ll have nothing-

I think it’s time…to stop. There’s no time to be ashamed. If they don’t understand, don’t bother understanding them either. It’s their choice to not bother asking why and to not bother listening to your explanation. Sometimes, people don’t care. You don’t have to treat yourself the same way. Stop. Think. Is it worth running down this tunnel when you can’t see, hoping to catch everyone else, or is it better to pause and wait for your eyes to open once more? You’ve gotten ill, they might not regard you as sick, but they haven’t spent a day in your shoes and never will. Leaving this place behind won’t prevent you from finding another in the future, it won’t stop you from growing all the same, like everyone else.

Grieve. You’ve lost yourself in a maze of loss, lounging in the idea of a future you aren’t even ready for. That hurts. Admit it.

But heal, because a change in your path is never the end. You can still get to the place you want to go. And it’ll be brighter and better, because you are finally well.