Insatiable

Insatiable

By Justin Michaels

It seems to me like greed and gluttony share a common theme. Greed is definitely more broad of a word, but their similarities start and end with the word insatiable. One who cannot be satisfied no matter what is given to them. Usually, insatiable is a word with a negative connotation. Especially when you are like me; a sucker for gluttony.

This point, in my not so long life, is a time of change. I hover above the garbage can that is filled with all of my poison. The last thing left is a piece of my heart, a succulent prize or reward in my childhood. It’s brown chocolate folds caress the top, like a blanket. It sparkles in the cut, and then in my eyes. Unfortunately, today is the day I say goodbye.

The first bite, as a young boy, hit every bud of taste I had. It was the first true feeling of comfort in a world I thought didn’t want me. A world that was so big, yet too small for me, apparently. It’s rough, the things you hold onto over the years. The jagged jabs of profanity spewed at me by peers, disrupting my adolescent growth.

My second bite, as a young man, grounded me in reality. Watching my weight topple 250. Even my heart gave up on me. The pain was rough, the diet made me suffer, but a few weeks later my heart grew tougher. I hoped the bite I took was worth the way I shook my entire family.

The next bites seem to fade into one long memory of my gluttony. Constant oral stimulation, brought on by food or inhalation; another poison my body cannot stand for much longer. I don’t know why my mind fixates on the things that could kill me. How the only comfort a man like me found was in cake and cigarettes. But, no longer will gluttony control me.

Five years have passed since the weight toppled 250. I grew fearful of the scale, and the hold it had on me. When it confronted me with the truth, my insatiable hunger to lose weight turned into insatiable hunger. However, something interesting did happen in the meantime.

A beautiful woman, who I am convinced is my destiny, decided that she needed to help me. This wasn’t her first concern though, which is how most people address the problem. She wanted to know me before my weight. She became the only thing I cared about, and I know it has pained her to see what this has done to me. Even with this knowledge, old habits die hard. I continued to indulge, until one day I was asked a question.

My weight had surpassed 450, and simple tasks became extremely difficult. Things like, cleaning, tying my shoes, even walking starting to hurt. This woman, whom I respected and adored more than anyone else on this earth asks, “Joe, don’t you want to be able to play outside with your kids one day?”

In a fraction of a second, I began to feel every emotion you are supposed to feel. Shame, regret, pain came in abundance and truly got me to think of the future. I’ve had painful scares, and disrespectful names thrown at me, but it was just happening to me. This was the first time that my life wasn’t separate from someone else’s, and my future shared the same timeline as hers. I didn’t respond to what she asked, but I listened to it.

Today I got the courage to step on the scale and when I looked down I saw 523 in a row. My heart dropped, and my insatiable appetite resurfaced. Except this time, I had someone else to think about. So that’s why I am here. Above a trash can filled with my poisons. Today will become the first day of my life. As I release the plate of chocolate cake from my hand, it takes my greed and gluttony. Leaving me with an insatiable appetite for a better, healthier life.