Indica

Indica. God, I fucking love her. Just the sound of her name was enough to make me smile.

‘Love’ wasn’t quite strong enough to describe what she makes me feel for her… Indica has me on her leash. I would do absolutely anything for her.

Our relationship drove me crazy, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.

We first met when I was seventeen, at my best friend Lee’s house. I was feeling like shit, and Lee told me to come over and meet Indica. When I asked who Indica was, Lee simply said I’d love her.

So I got on my bike and made my way to Lee’s. I tossed my bike onto the lawn before knocking on the door, being greeted by Lee and a strange-looking girl.

That was my first impression of Indica; strange and unfamiliar. She looked like one of those girls—the kind of girls my parents would always tell me to stay away from. Just from seeing her for the first time, she looked like she couldn’t possibly be anything but bad news.

But I was wrong. Because when Indica smiled at me for the first time, I knew she was going to change my life in some way, whether it be for better or for worse.

Lee and Indica led me to the backyard and we sat in the grass and talked. It was a bit awkward at first, as I had no idea how to talk to a girl like this. But after a while of talking, I began to feel comfortable with her. Indica and I ended up clicking—she was funny in a crude but witty way, smart without being pretentious, relatable yet fascinatingly different. We had so much in common, but she had a lot of interests and knew quite a lot about different subjects.

I couldn’t help but feel my mood lighten quickly the more time I spent with Indica. Lee was right, Indica was definitely someone I’d want to have in my life. I had nearly forgotten what it was I felt so shitty about, Indica took all my worries away with her presence.

The thing was, it was almost scary how good it felt hanging out with Indica. She was a girl I just met, but I already felt so attached to her. Being her felt like I had known her for years. I never felt this way about anyone, not even Lee. The way Indica talked, the way she smiled, the way she made me feel happy little butterflies from my head down to my toes… No one had ever made me feel the way she did.

The sun began to set for the day, and time felt like it had passed so quickly. I guess having so much fun with Lee and Indica made the day completely fly by us.

Indica announced that she had to leave, and just knowing she had to go instantly brought my mood down again. But Indica must have known, because she cupped my face in her hands and smiled at me.

“Until next time,” she softly whispered to me with reassurance, making me blush as I felt my chest warm up. “We’ll have fun again the next time we see each other.”

She let go of my face before she left into the night, and Lee only nudged me and asked me what I thought of her. I smiled, saying that I’m glad that I came, and that I would hopefully see Indica again.

Lee and I spent some time together hanging out some more, but it didn’t feel the same after Indica left. Though I’ve always felt comfortable with Lee, Indica had made the atmosphere so much more fun. I couldn’t help but keep thinking about when I would see her again, but I didn’t want to ask Lee. I felt it would have been awkward to ask about her since we just met.

When it started getting late, I said my goodbyes to Lee before getting on my bike and heading back home. I couldn’t help but feel so happy when I recalled my day with Indica. I could feel the wind on my face as I smiled biking back home, thinking about how intriguing this girl was. I wanted to see her again, I needed to.

I didn’t know then how much that strange girl I met that day would impact my life. If I had known, I would have never gone to meet her in the first place.

---

Ever since the day I met Indica, she would never leave my mind. I would patiently wait until Lee would invite me over again, hoping Indica would be there too.

It turned out that some of my other friends knew Indica too, I guess she was well-known among people our age in our community. She was a popular girl, but a lot of people had negative things to say about her. They’d say she was a troublemaker, she was a lowlife, she was dangerous and that she had ruined a few people’s lives.

But I didn’t care for the rude comments, because I liked her and the way she made me feel.

Every time I hung out with Lee since then, Lee would ask me if I wanted Indica to come over and hang out with us too. Of course, I would excitedly say yes, and she would arrive as promised. Every time she came over, she would give me a big smile and hug me, making me feel absolutely euphoric. It felt so right to embrace her, it made me wonder where a girl like this was my whole life.

I was still too shy to ask Indica for her number, I was worried what my parents would think if they found out I was hanging out with a girl like her. My parents were strict and it was hard for me to hide things from them, they would always find out my secrets sooner or later whenever I lied.

But I needed Indica in my life. She was unlike anyone I had ever met. I spent most of my life unhappy and alone, desperately wishing for God to send someone my way who would fully understand me and make me genuinely happy.

I’ve made a few friends throughout my life, but nobody made me feel the way Indica did.

Every time I hung out with Indica and Lee, it felt amazing. I would see them every other weekend, and I would always feel bummed out whenever Indica had to leave, but I would always just tell myself that there was always next time until I’d see her again. I would just have to wait, and I was fine with that.

The more we all hung out, the more I found myself wanting to hang out with Lee just to see Indica.

After graduating high school, I felt so excited to start the next chapter in my life. Although I didn’t know exactly what the next chapter of my life would entail, I just knew that whatever it was would be much better than high school.

I planned to spend summer vacation after high school with Lee and Indica, but Lee became busy and occupied with family affairs and preparing for university, which left no time for hanging out with me. I was somewhat annoyed, because I wanted to see Indica, but it wasn’t like I had her number. I only got to see her whenever I was with Lee.

It was interesting that even though I tried looking up Indica on social media, I couldn’t find her at all. It was like she didn’t want to be found by anyone online, and the only way one could get in contact with her was through mutual friends who knew how to.

The months that followed my graduation were boring, I wasn’t able to see any of my friends, as they were all so busy with their new lives post-high school. Meanwhile, I was spending my days at home, wishing I was spending my time being with Indica rather than having to be alone at home and depressed. I rarely got to see Lee anymore, so I was by myself.

I spent months after high school trying to bide my time, but it was beginning to feel unbearably boring. I would always catch myself wondering what Indica was doing. I’d try and make myself happy by doing different activities, but it would never satisfy me. I’d always feel that doing these activities would be much more fun if Indica was doing them with me.

The thing was, even though I didn’t see Indica for such a long time, she would always be on my mind, whether consciously or not. I’d have dreams about her whenever I slept, and I began to wonder if Indica wasn’t real after all, if she was merely just someone I dreamt up.

But I knew she was real. She had to be real. Every day felt unbearable without her. I couldn’t even entertain the thought of never meeting her, because she had me convinced that she changed my life and that life was meaningless without her.

I just kept holding on for her sake.

---

It was my nineteenth birthday when I got to see my best friend again.

Lee apologized to me for being MIA, and that they were going through a lot in life for the past year and a half. Although I was happy to see Lee and for us to celebrate my birthday together, I was secretly hoping that we would be able to see Indica.

Even though a year and a half had passed since I last saw Indica, I never stopped thinking about her. How could I? She was so special and different, unlike anyone I ever met before.

“You wanna go see Indica?” Lee had asked me after picking me up. My mood instantly lifted, and I eagerly nodded. Finally, this is exactly what I’ve been waiting for.

Lee laughed at me before starting the car and driving off. When I asked what Indica had been up to for the past year and a half, Lee said that she was focusing on becoming famous, concentrating on improving her talents in order to get more well-known and improve her reputation so that she could become a world-renown celebrity. It was surprising for me to hear, since I had always tried finding her online just to end up without any results.

“But she’s so mysterious. What changed? Why does she want to be famous?” I asked Lee, who just shrugged. “I guess it’s because she’s been doing a lot for the community lately, and people are starting to like her and are encouraging her to follow her dreams, which is to become rich and famous.”

So that’s Indica’s dream… I thought to myself. As Lee continued to drive, my heart was pounding in my chest in excitement anticipating seeing Indica.

We ended up parking at some sketchy-looking place, and Lee told me not to worry as we headed inside the building. We showed the security guard our IDs before he let us inside, and there was a clerk at the front desk we walked up to.

“We’re here to see Indica,” Lee said to the clerk, who asked us to pay a fee of a hundred dollars. It was a steep price and I had no idea what we were getting into, but I paid anyway. I’d do anything to be able to see her.

After we paid and were let inside, there Indica was, dressed in a beautiful gown as she socialized with other people there. I nearly felt my heart burst just seeing how beautiful she looked.

We waited until she was done speaking before Lee beckoned me to follow, leading me to her. Indica instantly smiled seeing us. “Hey, you two. It’s good to see you.”

I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, but I kept it to myself, not wanting to seem creepy. “Hey, Indie. You know, we paid a hundred bucks just to see you.”

“Well, you’re paying for my services, after all,” she said, her smile still plastered on her face, but I didn’t know what she meant by that. Services? I guess this is her job.

“You know, it’s my nineteenth birthday today,” I said, and she gasped. “Happy birthday! Unfortunately, there are no birthday discounts.”

“You might as well spend some time with us since we paid so much just to see you,” Lee said, as Indica nodded. “Of course. You two are my friends.”

Friend… Hearing Indica call me her friend made me feel a flutter in my stomach. She led us to a table before we sat down, and Indica called over a waiter to bring us something to drink.

We began to converse all together as we had some drinks, and it felt so good being like this again. I loved hearing Indica’s laugh, I loved the way she looked, I loved being with her.

Time seemed to pass by so quickly as we hung out, because by the time we knew it, it was late.

“You want to come with us and hang out at my house?” Lee asked Indica, and she nodded. “Sure, I’m off my shift soon anyway. Plus, you paid a hundred dollars to see me, I might as well come with you two to celebrate together.”

So after Indica clocked out and changed, she came with us to Lee’s house. We hung out in the basement and played video games together, but Indica and Lee began to argue about something while I was focused on the game. Indica expressed an opinion that Lee seemed to disagree with. The argument seemed to escalate into something bigger than it actually was, which ended up with Lee leaving the room to go and cool off.

Indica scoffed. “Whatever… Lee is so soft. It wasn’t that serious,” she said as she splayed out on the couch, resting her feet on my lap. “Some people just can’t handle me.”

“I can,” I said, suddenly feeling stupid for saying that. But she smiled at me before sitting up and moving closer to me, making me nervously gulp.

“You can handle me, huh?” She said in a low voice, moving even closer to me as I felt my face flush red. “Do you like me or something?”

“I…” I was speechless. I couldn’t find any words to say, but Indica pressed her lips against mine and kissed me. It was absolutely electrifying, a volt spiking through my body when her lips touched mine.

I felt her smile into our kiss as she held my face with her hands to kiss me deeper. I couldn’t do anything but get lost in her, running a hand through her hair as she climbed onto my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck.

Every kiss, every touch… Everything about her was magical. She was like a witch who put me under her spell.

She pulled away and smiled at me before giggling. “I should give you my number so we can do more of that without Lee around,” she whispered before moving off of me to sit back on the couch. She pulled her phone out to unlock it and handed it to me. As I took it and typed out my number, I couldn’t help but feel absolutely ecstatic that I had reached this stage with Indica—but I still couldn’t quite believe it was real.

I handed her back her phone before we went back to playing video games. I was having so much fun with her that I had completely forgotten about Lee. It wasn’t until Lee came back and said they would drop us off that I remembered I wasn’t just here alone with Indica.

After we got in Lee’s car and dropped Indica off back at her work, she winked at me before heading inside. Watching her leave almost made my chest tighten in pain.

Lee scoffed after Indica was gone, beginning to drive me back home. “I can’t believe you.”

I looked at Lee. “What?”

“I was literally having a fucking panic attack because of her and you didn’t even check on me,” Lee said as they shook their head. “Instead, I could hear you two giggling and shit.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s my birthday, Lee. Excuse me for wanting to have a good time. We were having fun, and you had to make a scene.”

Lee slammed the breaks at a red light. “Wow. So it’s my fault?” They chuckled sadly. “She’s just as much to blame.”

“You just can’t handle her,” I said, defending her. Lee scoffed again. “So is Indica your new best friend now? She’s a fake bitch, I really saw her true colours tonight. She’ll manipulate you and take advantage of you.”

“You’re a piece of shit just for saying that about her. That shows what kind of person you are,” I said before we rode in silence.

Lee finally dropped me off at my house before I got out of the car and shut the door. As I began walking to my front door, rolling down the window. “Happy fucking birthday, “ Lee said to me before closing the window and driving away.

I sighed before heading inside, going straight to my room before I laid down on my bed. How could Lee say those things about Indica? She’s perfect. Lee just doesn’t get her.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, seeing a new text from an unknown number. “Hey stranger. Happy birthday, again. How about we hang out together tomorrow, just the two of us? Make sure you have money!”

I smiled, knowing it was Indica. “I’d love to,” I typed out in reply before sending it. I sighed and stared up at the ceiling. Indica… I’m crazy about you.

---

Ever since my nineteenth birthday, I had spent as much time as I could with Indica. She was a very expensive girl, and the more she pursued her path to fame, the more I wanted to keep her close. I’d spend money to take public transportation just to visit her, pay for her services at her work, or buy her the things she wanted. I went out of my way to do things for her.

Lee and I barely spoke anymore—but I knew that Lee wanted nothing to do with Indica anymore. Lee was living their best life without her, and without me.

My life from then on was completely devoted to Indica, I would have done anything for her. I would go behind my parents' back just to see her and steal money from them just to spend on her, but it was all worth it.

I loved her. The way she felt, the way she made me feel… Nothing could make me as happy as she did. I was convinced that Indica was the only good thing in my life worth living for.

Whenever Indica and I were apart, I longed for her. Everything I did, I would think of her. I saw her in everything, and whenever we weren’t together, I would feel unbearably anxious. I felt like I couldn’t do anything without her. She was everything to me.

I was much too embarrassed to tell anyone about how I felt about her, I didn’t want to hear the truth—that I was unhealthily obsessed with her. I told myself I couldn’t be, I could just stop spending time with her and cut her off anytime I wanted to.

But I never did. I didn’t want to, I liked the way she made me feel. Even if I had to spend all my time and money on her until I was nothing, I was convinced it was all completely worth it. I could barely go a day without hearing her voice or seeing her face. Whenever I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I would ask her to come see me, in which she would if only I paid for her gas money.

The truth is, I knew Indica and I had a toxic relationship. I wondered if she even loved me the way I loved her. But I didn’t care what the answer was, because the way she took over my mind and body was unlike any experience I ever had. I’d let her manipulate my mind, I’d let her steal my memories, I’d let her drain me of my money, I’d let her take anything she wanted from me.

Even when she used me, even when she took advantage of me, even when she fucking drove me insane… I would still come back to her, time and time again.

Now, I’m twenty-two, and I still remain under Indica’s spell. My love for her was no longer magical and ethereal, if anything, I began to get used to what I felt for her. I was convinced that this was my normal now, that I needed Indica to get me through every single day of my shitty life.

Sometimes I wished that we never met, and that maybe if we didn’t, I would have a better life than the one I have now.

Call it a dependency, call it an addiction, call it whatever you want. All I knew is that I needed Indica to survive, no matter what the cost was.

Because nothing in the world makes me feel the way Indica does.