Indecision

One quiet afternoon, Phoebe sat in her chair, reading one of her many books on quantum superposition. Phoebe was barely 18, and she had already been accepted into MIT to pursue a degree in quantum physics. She became obsessed with the subject after learning about Schrödinger's famous thought experiment on quantum superposition and how particles can exist in two separate states until they are observed. The sunlight illuminating her pages was interrupted when her cat, Erwin, jumped up on the windowsill. When she got up to move him slightly out of her reading light, she saw two soldiers approach the door with a tri-folded American flag.

Phoebe felt her heart skip a beat when she realized she was living out a real situation similar to Schrödinger's cat. Her brother existed in two different states at once: alive or dead. And it was now apparent which state she was observing. A heavy tear streamed down her face as she clamped her eyes shut and imagined the other universe where her brother was getting out of the car in full uniform, instead of the two unknown soldiers. Unfortunately, when she opened her eyes again, the outcome was still the same.

“I’m so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Carlyle,” the soldier said, somberly. However, Sophia couldn’t bring herself to say anything, not after she was just informed her only son had been killed. Phoebe saw as each tear of her mother’s fell onto their Russian rug that had been passed down from her ancestors. She could hear the drops as clearly as her mother's weeps.

After the soldiers finally left, the house remained the same as before, still only occupied by Phoebe and her mother, who sat somberly at their dinner table.

“Why, my little Jackson? Why him? He did nothing wrong apart from joining that damned military.” Phoebe’s mother said, almost incoherently, choking with grief.

Phoebe held her mother’s hand, caressing it and feeling all the bones and veins beneath the cracked skin. It seemed that Phoebe’s mother had already accepted the reality presented to her. But Phoebe was still in disbelief. In that moment, she could not bring herself to accept the fact that she was now responsible for carrying on the Carlyle legacy. Until she thought about one of her favorite quotes, and her life was changed forever:

“The release of atomic power has changed everything except our way of thinking ... the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker. ”

― Albert Einstein

It was a cold day in Cambridge. Phoebe is 23 and studying for her final on applied nuclear physics. After a long study session in the library with some colleagues, Phoebe waved her friends goodnight and walked herself back home. However, one of her colleagues finally decided it was time to work up the nerve to talk to Phoebe alone.

“Hey, Phoebe, wait up,”

“Oh, what’s up, Will?” She stopped so suddenly that she slid a little on the icy sidewalk.

“Well, it's pretty dark out now, and I thought I could walk you home,” Will said with a smirk.

“You’re sweet, but you don’t have to do that. It’s pretty cold to walk me all the way home.”

“Well, yeah, but consider it a thanks for finally helping me understand the complex wave function.” They both laughed.

“Well, what are friends for after all?” Phoebe said.

“Right, but you have a brilliant way of explaining some of the most complicated subjects in the world. I was actually hoping to be more than just friends.”

“You’re really nice, Will, which is why we should just stay friends for now. I would be a terrible girlfriend, and it wouldn’t be fair to you. I don’t have the time right now. I mean, you know how hard this stuff can be,” Phoebe said with a smile.

“You’re right, all this stuff is insanely difficult,” Will chuckled.

“But you know it doesn’t have to be a full-on relationship. It’s just that I really like you, Phoebe.” Will said as he brushed his hand across her hand.

Phoebe stopped walking to pull her hand away.

“I’m sorry, Will. I do like you, but my heart isn’t there yet. Let’s just finish school and see where the universe takes us. Ok?”

Will nodded, and they both walked in awkward silence.

“Why are you such a fuckin’ tease?”

“Excuse me?” Phoebe said as she turned to face Will, but was met with his hand across her face. She screamed as she fell to the ground, and Will held her down.

“I just spilled my guts to you and all you can say is, ‘Maybe someday?’ Do you think you’re fuckin better than me?”

Phoebe screamed as she tried to get him off, but he covered her mouth with his hand and reached for her neck with the other. Then Phoebe managed to get her leg under his, and she kicked with all the might in her body, straight for his groin.

Will screamed in pain as he rolled over onto the snow, incapacitated.

Phoebe got herself up and ran as fast as she could back home. Tears were streaming down her face, and she was weeping when she opened the door. One of her friends actually attacked her. She thought about the deciding moment of their conversation, the one where Will professed his infatuation and she rejected him. What if she said yes to his advances? What if she said no? There certainly could have been a universe in which Phoebe and Will just walked home and lived on as friends. As Phoebe ran home in terror, she couldn’t help but think of why Will decided to use force instead.

“There are no secrets about the world of nature. There are secrets about the thoughts and intentions of men.”

― J. Robert Oppenheimer

Apathy riddled through Phoebe as she sat alone in her lab. She looked at a stack of letters on her desk, addressed to: Phoebe Carlyle, Chief Inspector, National Nuclear Security Administration, Albuquerque, NM.

Phoebe thought about how hard she had worked to get that address. Yet she had never felt so empty. She couldn’t help but think back on all the decisions she had made up until this point. Phoebe vividly imagined all her key decisions and respective outcomes. The possibilities were endless, but there she remained, her days filled with tedious bureaucracy with no end in sight.

Phoebe opened up her laptop and logged in to her security portal. With a few keystrokes, she could sabotage the biggest nuclear plant in America by shutting down key processes. She had total authorization if she deemed it “safe” to do so. If she used protocols to halt specific projects, the result would be catastrophic. Millions of lives lost within minutes. Such an event could cause a critical opening for an attack of an oppsing nation. The time to react would be cut significantly. A cascade of events could result in the total annihilation of humanity.

All the apathy Phoebe previously felt had faded away. Beads of sweat fell from her brow. They splashed just as hard as the tears she shed for her dead brother that fateful day when the soldiers came to their doorstep. Why was she protecting a world that couldn’t even protect the ones she loved? Her current mission of filling away laundry lists of paperwork, squandered her brilliant talents. In this moment, she finally felt something. Phoebe craved the feeling of her own impact. The existence of both states is never permanent. Phoebe’s revelation was made known with a few clicks on her keyboard.

“The reality we can put into words is never reality itself.”

― Werner Heisenberg