In Search Of Gator Aid

INT. MIDDLE CLASS HOME - SATURDAY AFTERNOON

A young married couple is engaged in an argument in their living room. AUSTIN sits on a recliner and presses mute on the remote to silence the TV as his wife, BECCA, waves her arms around as she speaks louder and louder. Their small dog periodically barks from his doggy bed in the corner of the room throughout the heated conversation.

AUSTIN

You sound insane, Becca.

BECCA

What makes you think I’m lying, Austin?!

AUSTIN

Um, maybe because what you’re talking about doesn’t make SENSE!

BECCA

YOU don’t make sense!

AUSTIN

(Sarcastically)

Good one babe. You really got me there.

BECCA pauses and takes a deep breath.

BECCA

It’s plain and simple Austin: I saw a fucking ALLIGATOR in the backyard!

AUSTIN

Becca… we live in fucking PITTSBURGH!

BECCA

I know where we live.

AUSTIN

Clearly you need a reminder because you actually think it’s possible for a living, breathing, 10 foot long, MASSIVE fucking reptile to just wander through our backyard.

BECCA

I know what I saw!

AUSTIN

Do you?

BECCA

YES!

AUSTIN

Have you been smoking?

BECCA

No.

AUSTIN

Shrooms maybe?

BECCA

Don’t be ridiculous.

AUSTIN

Just checking.

BECCA

(visibly frustrated)

UGH, I believed YOU when you said that McCoy peed in the toilet last month!

AUSTIN

Okay...and I was telling the truth, why would I make that up?

BECCA

Well, why on earth would our little French Bulldog feel the need to take a piss in our bathroom? How would he even KNOW how to do that?!

AUSTIN

I dunno, ask him!

BECCA and AUSTIN both look over at McCoy who cocks his head to the side while staring back at them from his doggy bed. BECCA looks back at her husband and exhales loudly.

BECCA

I just want you to believe me.

A few moments of silence pass.

AUSTIN

...I swear that dog peed in our toilet, he just got up there and-

BECCA

OKAY, NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW!

AUSTIN

Alright, alright, jeez. Relax...

AUSTIN gets up from the recliner and walks past BECCA to the sliding glass door that looks out to the backyard.

AUSTIN

Where did you say you saw the…

BECCA

Alligator.

AUSTIN

Alligator...right...where did you see it?

BECCA

Over by the edge of the yard, it charged at Mrs. Steinburg’s old garden gnome and then I lost sight of it.

AUSTIN

I don’t blame it, that gnome is fucking creepy.

BECCA

This isn’t a joke.

AUSTIN

Just sayin’. Anytime I want to step out and get some fresh air, that fat old man statue stares at me with its beady fuckin’ eyes. She’s got some weird taste in yard decorations, that one.

BECCA

Austin, she’s a nearly crippled 75 year old lady...

AUSTIN

I’m sure Mrs. Steinburg had that thing years before throwing her back out.

BECCA

Hey, can we not change the subject here?! I saw a fucking ALLIGATOR in our fucking yard!

AUSTIN

(waving his arms in defeat)

Alright, alright! I’ll go check it out… Make sure the dog stays inside.

AUSTIN opens the sliding door and steps into the backyard. He makes his way towards the gnome and looks around.

AUSTIN

(yelling back to BECCA)

BABE! I don’t see anything out here! You probably just imagi-

AUSTIN is cut off by the sound of low hissing coming from the bushes behind him. He freezes and slowly turns around. A sudden flash of scales bursts out of the bushes coming right for him. AUSTIN lets out a high pitched scream and sprints back to the house as the thing chases him. He makes it to the door just in time, slamming it shut after he gets inside. McCoy begins to bark from the commotion.

AUSTIN

WHAT. THE. FUCK. WAS. THAT!

BECCA

I TOLD YOU! A goddamn ALLIGATOR!

AUSTIN

(pacing around the room)

Am I-am I seeing things?

BECCA

Not unless we are BOTH crazy.

AUSTIN

That was not an alligator. No way.

BECCA

Are you kidding? How do you STILL not believe me?!

AUSTIN

It can’t be.

BECCA

Okay, well I’M not waiting for it to come back and eat McCoy OR us!

BECCA takes out her cell phone and calls 911.

BECCA

(on the phone)

Hi, my name is Rebecca Lewis, I live at 34 Anderson Avenue, I’d like to a report an alligator in my backyard...yes, you heard me correctly...YES, sir, I said alligator...No, it’s not possible that it was a bear...I KNOW we are in Pittsburgh sir...NO, I am not taking any drugs! Now can you send someone here or not?...ok, thank you. Christ.

BECCA hangs up the phone and crosses her arms and looks out the sliding door again, but there is no movement in the yard.

AUSTIN

What did they say?

BECCA

They didn’t believe me of course, just like you! But they said they’d try to send someone later.

AUSTIN

A.K.A., no one is coming.

AUSTIN looks out the sliding door into the yard one last time, double checks the lock, then walks over to the recliner and flops down.

AUSTIN

Well… let’s just try to chill out for a little, I think the summer heat is getting to the both of us.

BECCA

Just shut up and turn the TV back on.

Huffing in frustration, she stalks over to the couch and sits on the end farthest from AUSTIN, while he unmutes the TV. They are sitting in silence watching a laugh-track sitcom, when the show is suddenly interrupted by the local news channel. The screen reads: “Breaking News”, just as a news anchor begins to speak.

NEWS ANCHOR

Good afternoon, coming to you live with some breaking news: While embarking on a country wide tour, Rick’s Radical Reptiles Animal Caravan got in a reeling accident on Lincoln Highway earlier this afternoon. We were informed just minutes ago that in the midst of the commotion, several large reptiles managed to escape from the vehicle, including Grace, a 10 foot long freshwater Crocodile. Local authorities now urge residents in the eastern and central Pittsburgh area to keep themselves, AND their pets indoors until these animals are found.

The couple stares at the screen, jaws dropped, for several moments in shock and bitter relief. Then, BECCA crosses her arms and forms a smug ‘I was right’ look on her face, staring at AUSTIN, daring him to look back at her. He refuses to look her way, then fake coughs and speaks correctively under his breath:

AUSTIN

It was a crocodile.

BECCA grabs and throws a flimsy coaster at his head, then sits back, crossing her arms.

BECCA

Asshole.

_________

Fade to Black.

The End.