Image of Regret

Tawnee walked into her bedroom from the hall, using the hand not holding up her towel she shielded her eyes from the light streaming in from her opened curtains. She squinted as she walked to the closet and pushed back a brightly colored jumpsuit for the dark sweater and ripped jeans, she preferred these days. She knew she would eventually face the disappointment of her mother when she entered the kitchen, but she’d been living with that for almost four years now. As soon as she was fully dressed, she wrapped her long brown hair into the towel and shut the door to her closet, missing the flash of something in the mirror that hung on the sliding door.

The short walk to her vanity seemed to stretch on as she took in the scenery of her room. It hadn’t changed since she’d been 13, posters and magazine articles of popstars they used to idolize, funny cat motivational posters she had gotten when she was six, and pictures. The pictures taunted her, reminding her of a life she no longer had, and of the lonely camera sitting on her pristine white dresser. It had once been the first thing she reached for every morning besides her phone. All of middle school and the first two years of high school mocking her now lonely existence.

She settled down at the vanity and traced a lipstick stain that had been forever marked onto the otherwise white surface, slowly Tawnee lifted her eyes and frowned at the pictures lining the vanity. She grabbed her eyeliner, leaning in close and removing her gaze from the photo in front of her only to be held frozen by the same pair pinning her in place from the bed.

“Good morning! It’s about time you let some light in here, it was getting sooo stuffy” The girl said, a dazzling smile matching perfectly with her blue eyes and blonde hair. Just as in all the pictures lining Tawnee’s room she was immaculate, a dream come true to look at. “Are you going to greet me? Hi Ashlyn, I’m so happy to see you, I love when you visit, I missed you so much.” The other girl pouted and got up to walk closer. The blush carpet had always swallowed the sound of her footsteps, but the silence was even louder now.

“You’re n-not real…” Tawnee said, softly, but the ice that entered the other girl’s eyes made her even colder.

“Oh, but my sweet Tawnee.” The girl was right behind her now, making Tawnee’s breath come a little shorter and her eyes start to water. All she could think about was running, but her legs wouldn’t move, she had always been powerless when faced with Ashlyn. “Honey, my sweet, sweet Tawnee,” arms draping themselves over her back and freezing cold lacing down her spine, holding her even more captive. “I am real, you make me real, every night when you dream.” The image reached out and traced Tawnee’s cheek in the mirror, no smudge following the perfectly manicured finger. “I’m so glad this is how you imagine us; I’ve been waiting so long for you, I’m getting impatient Tawnee. I need you to come home.” A smile and a hand moving over, just about two inches to the left and she tapped the identical blonde in the photograph. “This makes me real, you are remembering me, keeping these here. You can change things about yourself, things about this room but you can’t change me being here.”

Ashlyn’s arms unwound from Tawnee’s neck, allowing her to breathe without the choking cold and the girl standing behind her was gone. She immediately stood from the vanity, not flinching when the chair hit the ground and she bolted across the room to the floor length windows. A single flash of blonde and pink in the reflection had her pulling the curtains closed and washing the colors of the room in gray. It hid the pictures and covered the mirror of the vanity in so little light she wasn’t sure how she usually did her makeup in it. She slowly sank to her knees and let the tears fall, bringing her knees to her face to hide her tears. “You’re not real, you’re not real and fuck how I wish you were…” She took a shuddering breath and looked at the ceiling, a single sliver of light from the top of the curtains. “I wish you were real…”

*

“So.” Tawnee’s therapist crossed her legs one over the other and adjusted her clipboard. She wrote down the date and time, before lifting her stern brown eyes to Tawnee’s slightly lighter ones. “We’ve talked about a lot of things before you first came to see me, I think it’s time we talk about what happened. Especially in light of what this weekend is.” The woman’s voice was kind, her narrowed eyes didn’t give off quite the same impression.

“You mean the anniversary or Brett’s trial?” Tawnee asked, her eyes immediately going anywhere but the therapists. “All I have to say about that asshole is I hope he goes straight to the chair. I’m glad he’s finally 18. I don’t know why he even gets a trial. Michael went straight to juvie and directly into jail.”

“Michael.” The therapist looked over her notes with a hum and pulled out a piece of paper. “Oh yes, the ex-boyfriend who turned to violence when you came out and broke up with him.” She pulled out something else from the file and scribbled on her notepad. “And Brett’s accomplice.”

“Accomplice makes it sound like they did something minor.” Tawnee crossed her arms, closing her eyes to will away the tears. She wasn’t sure why she bothered wearing make up to her therapy sessions anymore, she always ended up having to redo it in the car. “They killed someone, a girl, almost a woman. They raped her and left her for dead and I left her there for it to happen.” Her voice broke and tissues were placed on the couch next to her. Nothing was said for a moment while the therapist’s pen scratched something into the paper on her lap and Tawnee dabbed her eyes.

“So, you said you don’t know why they would even give Brett a trial. And, impartial as I must be I think you’re right; it doesn’t seem like they should give him the benefit of the doubt and even wave the possibility of being determined not guilty in front of his face.” The woman gave a small smile to Tawnee. “But we do need to talk about these apparitions you’ve been seeing. I need to know if I should be sending you to someone who can do more for you than I can.”

“Um, I don’t think I want to do that right now.” Tawnee picked at a loose thread on her jeans, “I never used to do this, not until she died. But like, Ashlyn did it all the time.” Tawnee said, pulling the piece of string out of her jeans and holding it up in front of her face. “I always yelled at her for it, all of our clothes were ridiculously expensive, they shouldn’t have been able to pick apart like that.” She sighed and stuffed it into her pocket to throw away later. “She would’ve liked you, how no nonsense you are. It was like her thing, to be super honest, at least up until she died. She was keeping something from me, and we fought, I left without her. And then I found her next morning, in her car, covered in bruises and…” Tawnee picked up the tissues again, sobs coming through and the therapist settled back into her chair, making notes and listening to the clock for the rest of the session. Sometimes you just had to let them cry.

*

When Ashlyn met Brett again it was just like any other day after school. Tawnee and Ashlyn sat on the bleachers, doing their homework and watching football practice. It had never held a real appeal to Tawnee, but Ashlyn loved watching the boys run around and do drills, and Tawnee loved watching Ashlyn be happy. They didn’t think anything of the blond boy coach was talking to until he called Ashlyn down. The coach introduced them with a big smile and Ashlyn lit up, making Tawnee frown. She knew they were at the age of boys, and Ashlyn had been dying to turn 15 so she could date, but this seemed a little much. Although she had to admit they boy looked exactly like Ashlyn’s daydreams. He was tall, skinny, blond, hair styled in the effortless flop of popstars.

“Tawnee this is Brett” Ashlyn said after she finished running up the stairs to push Brett into a seat on the faded green bleachers. “We went to kindergarten together until my parents moved here, and guess what!” She plopped herself down right next to the boy, almost close enough to be in his lap, he didn’t seem to mind, just settled his arm around her like it was meant to be there. “His family just moved to town, isn’t that a funny coincidence!”

The girl smiled and Tawnee smiled back, trying to keep the bitterness out of it as she pulled her sweater down over her arms. She closed her math book and tucked some brown hair behind her ear, it was clear she would need this boy to approve of her, he already had Ashlyn wrapped around his little finger. “Yeah, that’s a coincidence if I’ve ever heard of one.” She laughed along with the other two, neither noticing the slight bitterness inside of it. “That must be why coach called her over, are you on the team?”

“Oh yeah, I am. I asked coach who was over here cause I thought I recognized her.” Her smiled a perfect smile, straight white teeth on display and Ashlyn swooned. “Imagine my surprise when I was right. I thought I’d never see Ashlyn again.” Brett chuckled and Ashlyn giggled along with him. The two then went on to play catch up, Tawnee only halfheartedly trying to participate. It was hard to do when the other two didn’t even acknowledge she was there. After a while, when the horizon was just starting to bleed yellow and Tawnee pulled out her camera to catch the last rays of light Brett checked his phone.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry I have to go, my dad is waiting for me out front.” Brett stood and Ashlyn was immediately up to, as if she had been spring loaded.

“You don’t know your way around yet right?” She tucked a sprig of hair behind her ear, showing off the diamond drop earrings her mother had bought her for school. “I can walk you to the front, make sure you aren’t late and lost?” perfectly mascaraed blue eyes blinking innocently. Brett gave her a crooked smile in return and pocketed his phone.

“Hell yeah.” He said, making Ashlyn giggle and take his arm. She turned back just as Tawnee put down the camera, frowning.

“Hey, I’ll be right back, okay? And then we will ab-so-tutely walk home together. Promise” She smiled brightly and scooted her bag closer to Tawnee who nodded, a tight smile in place.

“Of course, I’ll be right here. I think there are still a couple good pictures I can get with this lighting. If not there’s always my phone.” Tawnee said, avoiding looking at where her best friend was latching on to the boy next to her.

“Great.” And then they were gone, Ashlyn talking excitedly about how much she couldn’t wait to hang out more. After they left Tawnee put her camera back down around her neck and frowned at her phone, 52%. She occupied herself with playing a word game, noting that the time was 4:49 when Ashlyn left, and when her phone dinged a warning of 25% and the time had reached 5:32 she started to panic just a little. She picked up all of their things and descended the bleachers, stretching onto her tip toes to hopefully see a head of blonde hair coming her way. The sun was setting faster and Tawnee bit her lip when she was collided into and almost knocked down, arms tight around her and Ashlyn’s face inches from hers.

“He kissed me!” She shouted. “Oh my gosh, can you believe it! He kissed me, oh my god Tawn!” The girl finally let go of her friend and picked up the bubblegum pink messenger back to sling over her shoulder. “Isn’t that great?”

“Oh yeah, it’s great.” Tawnee smiled around the lump in her throat, her heart sinking down into her stomach. “It’s really fantastic, I am so happy for you…”

*

No one told her it would be this hard to come face to face with Brett after all these months. Despite the detention center he looked just as perfect and poised as usual. The judge called everyone to order, and it began. Tawnee sat next to Janet and held her hand, the older woman struggling to stay strong while they produced evidence and pictures of her daughter’s corpse.

“Oo, I looked rough, didn’t I?” A voice said from behind Tawnee, and she froze, not daring to turn back to the apparition that had taken up the empty seat. “They really did a number, and you had to see that?” The voice held a slightly sad intonation, and she could perfectly imagine a little frown on flawless lips.

Tawnee struggled to breathe as Brett approached the stand. She watched him attempt to lie his way to a lighter sentence and the voice behind her scoffed. “Who does he think he is?” It asked. Tawnee imagined the girl sitting back in her chair, arms and legs crossed. “We better have a good lawyer; I want his ass put away for life. This was clearly planned; you and I both know it. Or well, I suppose I know it because you do.”

“Tawnee, honey? Are you okay?” Janet squeezed her hand, bringing her back to herself and making the ice disappear from her veins.

“Yeah, Sorry, this is just really hard.” She whispered back, smiling at the woman who had identical blue eyes to the battered corpse on the screen. “I’m, um, I found her, but it’s hard to see, you know?” She said clearing her throat and accepting Janet’s tissue. The woman smiled sadly and focused back on the front.

“I know what you mean.” She whispered. “I keep thinking of that night, every single day. The fight, I’m a terrible mother…”

“She knows that’s not true. I was a shitty daughter.” Ashlyn was back, sitting behind Tawnee again, but the ice that usually held her veins hostage wasn’t there anymore. “Tell her it’s not true.”

“You know that’s not true Janet. She loved you, just because you had a fight doesn’t mean she didn’t love you, no matter what you said or how everything felt. She loved you.” Tawnee reached into the woman’s purse and handed her the tissues, making the older woman smile, softly thank her and look forward as Brett tried to cheat his way out of taking responsibility.

“So, Brett has this friend.” Ashlyn started one day as she was curling Tawnee’s hair. She met the brown eyes with her own blue when the other girl looked up.

“No, Ash, I told you, I am totally fine with not dating.” Tawnee said, a little frown when her friend pouted behind her.

“But think of the double date and double wedding potential!” She whined, carefully pulling the iron from Tawnee’s hair.

“We’re fifteen, there is no double wedding.” Tawnee said, swallowing the newly ever-present lump in her throat.

“Okay, so maybe not the double wedding, but the double date. Please? Just give him a shot, it would make me so happy!” Ashlyn smiled, and Tawnee’s stomach flipped, she told herself it was just nerves about the boy.

“Fine, I’ll meet him. Only to make you happy.” She said, a wary eye on the hot iron when Ashlyn jumped up and down. “Stop waving that, you’re going to burn one of us.”

“Sorry!” The other girl laughed and put the iron on its stand, running to her bed to pull out her phone and immediately text Brett. Tawnee put her chin on her hand, leaning on the makeup-stained vanity and let herself smile while she watched Ashlyn through the mirror. These were her favorite moments, when her best friend was so unbelievably happy and completely unrestrained. The best part, she had been the one to do that. The worst part, it was over a boy.

*

Tawnee passed Janet on the couch, the woman was exhausted, but she was still clutching her daughter’s blanket and crying. She opened the door to her best friend’s bedroom and held back tears, because it was the exact same as she was sure Ashlyn had left it. The girl had always had what her mother called “Organized Chaos”. The other teen insisted she knew where everything was even though the actual order made no sense.

Tawnee ran her hands over the walls, pausing at the edge of a poster that led to a line of them, all tacked up on the wall haphazardly; barely resisting the urge to fall to the ground. They all held slightly different versions of the same thing, suave popstars who had the same wink and smolder, hair flipped in just the right way that Ashlyn liked.

She looked across the room at the vanity that had an exact copy in her own room, the same photos decorating around the mirror and mocking her. Ashlyn had insisted on it, matching vanities bought from the same store and on the same day, she had also insisted that all the photos they attached to them were the same too. Tawnee stepped forward to pick up a framed photo from the nightstand, touching the blonde girl in the middle of the people all squished into the booth on her 15th birthday. She quickly put it back on the table when she felt the moisture prickling her eyes again and moved to look at the bed. It was covered in magazines, opened to hair and make-up tips, several dresses on the floor and half on the comforter. She could almost imagine an exhausted Ashlyn coming home at night and just sweeping the paper to the floor before crawling into bed without taking off her makeup.

Except she hadn’t come home.

Tawnee swallowed the lump in her throat and turned to the dress on the other side of the room, books stacked on the pristinely painted antique. Varying subjects between school and fiction, she walked over and opened the top one, showing that Ashlyn had highlighted all the important things, and in a different color all the things she didn’t understand. She also noticed little marks where Ashlyn had liked a word and highlighted it to someday show people, she was smart and not just pretty; a small smile came to her lips because it was one of her favorite things about the other teen. An open tab on the computer set up on a desk next to the dresser showed she had been in the middle of a poetry assignment for English.

Someday she will know

Someday she won’t hurt

Someday we will both have the courage

Someday we will be in love

Tawnee frowned and put the screen to sleep, she didn’t want to think of what those words might mean. Even if the possibility had been there, she didn’t want to start imagining a future that could no longer exist.

She turned back to the bookshelves next to the door, clear plastic boxes that held all her collections, shells, CDs, buttons, and hair clips. More books lined the pristine white shelves, well-worn covers and dog-eared pages, a brand-new journal at the end. Tawnee felt bad even as she knew it didn’t matter that she was reading it; she still opened it to the newest page, only slightly used before the stiff new paper in the rest of the book.

October 22nd

She seems to be withdrawing more, and I know it has nothing to do with Michael. He’s just a sleezebag who never deserved her to begin with. And now Brett has become even worse since they broke up, constantly demanding my attention and making me isolate her. More pushy about “affirming” our love. I’m trying my best to avoid it, but it really seems like I’m going to have to dump him. First love is nothing compared to Tawnee, Brett should understand but he doesn’t.

She stopped reading then, putting the journal back onto the shelf and letting her tears start falling. Tawnee suddenly couldn’t breathe, everything was covered in the presence of Ashlyn, even though the girl wasn’t there. She was sitting on a slab of metal in the morgue, she was never going to look at the magazines, finish her English assignment, or write in the journal again. Tawnee let out a choked sob as she passed the broken pottery vase behind the door. A slice through the paint that it had hit when it was thrown, and the door hastily closed just a couple nights prior. The flowers that Ashlyn had spent a painstaking amount of time on standing out against the broken clay and mirroring the heart of her mother, sitting on the couch with her head in her hands and heavy words holding down her heart.

*

“I went to the trial.” She said, sitting across from the woman who was perfect in a practiced way and not a flawless way.

“And how was that?” She asked, looking over her notes at Tawnee, the girl was wearing a baggy sweatshirt and ripped jeans, but something seemed different today. Something big was going to come out of this session.

“Awful. She was there on the screen, the crime scene photos, Michael and Brett were sleazy, and I held Janet’s hand the whole time.” Tawnee said, shoving hands into the pockets on her sweatshirt. The therapist opened her mouth, but Tawnee spoke again “She was there. Sitting behind me, I didn’t look at her, it’s not like when she appears in my room. There were people. Janet, sitting right next to me, and Ashlyn is just talking to me, while her mother looks at her dead body on the screen.” Tawnee looked away, not wanting to see the frown she knew was on the Therapist’s face.

“Tawnee, we’ve spoken about this, she isn’t real. Even if you can see and hear her, she’s not there.” The woman scribbled something on her page and the air behind her shimmered, a blonde teenager suddenly running her fingers over the spines of books well above her reading level.

“We’ve spoken about this.” She mocked, rolling her eyes at Tawnee over the woman’s shoulder. “Blah blah blah, this is so boring, how do you do it?” She asked. Tawnee did her best not to look at Ashlyn, not to listen back she could only hear the roar of her blood in her ears and the blonde’s voice.

“I think I may have to refer you to someone who handles mental illnesses like this effectively.” The therapist was scribbling again.

“What, mental illness?” Tawnee said, sitting up at the same time Ashlyn crossed the room to stand between her and the therapist. “I’m not crazy”

“She’s not crazy.” The same words, two different voices, only one that was heard.

“I didn’t say crazy Tawnee. I said Mentally Ill. I had hoped that the exercises and homework we came up with could have stopped these delusions, but if you’re still seeing Ashlyn, it is worse than I thought. I am not equipped to handle things that are this severe.” She held out a piece of paper, passing through the image in front of her and making the girl shimmer when she handed it to Tawnee. “Your homework is to call him and set up an appointment. I will be conferring with him on my notes about your case and the two of us will both be taking care of you going forward.” The therapist stood and went to her desk, signaling the meeting was over and Tawnee was to leave. She stood, shoving the paper in her pocket and walking out of the room.

The ice in her spine told her that Ashlyn had followed but there was no sound from the apparition stalking her steps.

“Can you believe that quack called you crazy.”

“What if I am…” Tawnee said, her steps suddenly frozen as the apparition was in front of her instead of behind.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” It asked, crossing arms and perfect lips pulling into an angry glare. “Because it sounds like you just called yourself crazy, and because I live in your head, I know that’s not fucking true.”

“But that’s the thing Ash, you’re in my head…” Tawnee held her temple, a splitting headache starting as she walked out to the pink BMW parked near the front of the building. She pulled the keys out, staring at the little heart shaped keychain holding a picture of the two of them and bit her lip, stopping more tears. “You’re in my head, and I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to be, not anymore.” Tawnee said, opening the door and holding her breath at the memory she always had when she opened it, her best friend limply splayed across the seat cover, her leg hanging out of the doorway and pretty homecoming dress ripped to pieces. She slowly got into the seat and didn’t look in the rearview, she never did when she was remembering finding Ashlyn’s body.

*

“This is Michael” Brett said, motioning to a dark-haired male on his left. Ashlyn attached herself to his arm and smiled brightly.

“Hey Michael, nice to meet you.” Tawnee held out her hand, a little blush on her cheeks as the boy gave her a crooked smile and took her hand to shake it.

“Nice to meet you too, it will be nice to have someone to talk to while those two are obsessed with each other.” He said, and Tawnee laughed, relaxing a little like she hadn’t since Ashlyn and Brett had met.

“Yeah, it will, wont it.” She said.

*

Tawnee opened the curtains to her large picture window when she returned home, illuminating the pictures on the wall again. She walked over, pulling out a suitcase and ignoring the girl sitting at the vanity.

“Don’t do this.” Ashlyn said, Tawnee’s hand hovering over a photo tacked onto the wall. “You don’t really want to get rid of me.” She said, and there was something broken in her voice, something Tawnee didn’t want to hear. She knew the truth, this was just her imagination, Ashlyn wasn’t there; but she sounded real, looked real and that made everything so much harder than it needed to be.

“I’m not getting rid of you, but it’s been two years.” Tawnee gently removed the photo from the wall. She teared up, stroking the glossy paper and turning to Ashlyn, sitting at the vanity. She was able to move more now, not as frozen every time the girl appeared. “I just, need to be less overwhelmed by you…” Tawnee walked away from the suitcase to a sloppily painted wooden box on her dresser, next to the camera she used to love. “I need to be myself again Ash, you and I both know that. I haven’t touched anything I used to love in two whole years.” She opened the box and placed the photo in it, something in her heart settling.

“Are you going to get rid of those?” The apparition pointed to the pictures framing the vanity, their personal favorites. Tawnee knew they still framed an identical vanity in a room that had been stale for two years.

“I would never.” She said, walking over and softly stroking the cheek on one of the photos before picking up the box and walking to the wall and resuming her task of taking the photos off the wall, it was surprisingly easier than she would have thought.

*

“I broke up with Michael.” Tawnee said from Ashlyn’s bed, she was watching the other girl put on make-up for a date later that day.

“Wait, what?” Ashlyn spun in her seat and frowned, she looked ridiculous with one eye all done up and the other bare, but this was more important. “You broke up with him? Why?”

“I couldn’t do it, pretend to like him anymore. And he was so pushy, he kept trying to have sex, and I’m.” Tawnee sighed. “I’m not doing that, not with him, and not with any guy for that matter.”

“Not with…” Ashlyn trialed off and opened her mouth, closed, and repeated that for a few minutes.

“He’s with my mom now, telling her, that’s why I’m not home. He walked me home and I did it, and he ran inside. So now she’s going to know that I’m gay and I… I don’t want to go home…” Tawnee’s voice broke and Ashlyn was across the room in a second, pulling the dark-haired girl into her arms and making soothing sounds.

“No, baby, honey, Tawn, it’s okay, it’s okay. You don’t have to go anywhere, it’s okay.” Ashlyn cradled her, ignoring the texts that were blowing up her phone. There was no way she was going to be leaving the girl in front of her today. “We’re gonna be okay. We’ll get through it, he was an asshole anyway, I never should have set you up. I’m here, I’m here.” The two girls stayed like that all night till Tawnee fell asleep and Ashlyn snuck into the kitchen for a snack.

“Honey.” Janet sat at the counter, pushing a cup of hot cocoa across the counter and frowning into her own. Ashlyn hesitantly took it, frowning herself at the sad expression on her mom’s face.

“No.”

“I haven’t even…”

“Mom, I’m not going to stop being her friend. I don’t know what Natalie said to you, because I’m sure you talked to her. The first place she would go is here so it would be easier to isolate and bully her daughter. But I’m not going to listen to anything you have to say unless it’s support.” Ashlyn sipped the cocoa, her eyes not leaving her mother’s and the older woman pushed a tired hand through her gray streaked blonde hair.

“Natalie was here, and I told her to leave.” Janet frowned and looked down at her cup. “This is delicate, because I want to support you, and I know Tawnee means everything to you, I was just raised in such a different time.”

“You have the power to change that though.”

“I do, and I will.” Janet smiled and stood, placing her empty cup in the sink and walking over, to pull her daughter into her arms. “I am so proud of you Honey, and she will need you more than ever now.” She kissed Ashlyn’s forehead and left the kitchen.

*

“We are going to homecoming together.” Ashlyn said, throwing a bag on Tawnee’s bed.

“Aren’t you going with Brett?” She asked, eyeing the bag with suspicion. Ashlyn made a face and threw herself down next to it.

“Absolutely not. He’s being an ass and he doesn’t deserve my presence; besides, I’m going to be breaking up with him, probably tonight if he shows his stupid face at the dance.”

“Hold on, wait, you’re breaking up with Brett? But aren’t you in love with him?” Tawnee turned fully on the stool in front of her vanity. She’d been in the process of taking the days makeup but now she figured she would have to worry about putting more on instead.

“No, gross. He’s a homophobic piece of shit and he doesn’t deserve me. I have more important things to take care of.” At that Ashlyn popped off the bed and walked over, taking the makeup wipe from Tawnee’s hand and finishing cleaning her face before grabbing a palette and starting to dab color on her eyes. “Like you, you’re always my number one, you know that right?”

The bag turned out to be a powder blue knee length high low dress, the back of it almost touched the floor, but a simple pair of white heels not only put Tawnee on Ashlyn’s level but kept her dress off the floor. Ashlyn herself was wearing a light green dress that had a slit from the ankle to her knee. She had kept it modest for once. Once the girls were dressed and pictures taken Tawnee, and Ashlyn got into Ashlyn’s car and headed to the dance. The night was uneventful until about an hour before the end of the dance came. Michael and Brett entered the gym, making both girls stop.

“Can we talk?” Brett asked, holding out a hand to Ashlyn. She looked between his face, hand, and Tawnee, who nodded.

“Fine, but just talking. I meant what I said earlier.” She let Brett lead her outside of the gym where the music was muffled enough to talk.

“Sure, hope that talk goes well.” Michael said, sitting down at the table with her and keeping an eye on the doors. “All depends on how Brett and I finish out the night.”

“She’s not having sex with him, she told me she’d breaking up with him.” Tawnee said, trying to ignore the eyes on her and Michael chuckled.

“Nope, wrong answer, that’s the bad news one. Say, are you going home alone tonight? Wouldn’t want anything to happen to you, I can make sure you get there safely.” Michael said, and Tawnee shivered.

“No, and absolutely not.” She said, getting up from the table and heading to the doors. She suddenly needed air.

“I wouldn’t do that.” Michael shouted after her, but made no move to stand or stop her, leading her right into the trap the two boys had set up. She stopped after she had closed the gym doors, Ashlyn and Brett squished into what used to be their spot.

“Ash, c’mon, I was an ass, but I can do better.”

“Brett, you can’t do better, and you know what I said earlier. I don’t like you.”

“So, you’re just going to leave me for her?”

“Of course, I am.”

“Gonna go be a fuckin dyke.”

“Oh my god, let go of me and shut the fuck up.” A scuffling sound and Ashlyn pushed herself out of the cubby. “So, what if I like girls, anyone dating you would switch teams. You’re a piece of shit.”

“I wouldn’t care that you liked girls, I care that you like that one.” Brett followed her out, looking at where Tawnee stood by the door, where Ashlyn hasn’t seen her yet.

“Could you, for once, just shut up. I never said I was sure, all I know is I’m not going to be letting you and Michael put your stupid plan in motion, you don’t get to touch her.” Ashlyn was red, her fist clenched, and Brett laughed.

“Ash.” Tawnee asked.

“Tawn!” The girl swung around, her hair was messed up and her lipstick smeared, it was clear that Brett had tried something.

“C’mon, someone has got to be fucked straight tonight.” Michael said, leaning against the gym door.

“That’s not.” Ashlyn sighed and turned to Tawnee, taking her hand and dragging her all the way outside. “How much did you hear?”

“What didn’t you want me to hear?” Tawnee frowned, crossing her arms from the cold and in defense.

“They had this stupid plan, I heard them talking about it. That if you showed up tonight that they were gonna corner you and, well you heard what Michael said...”

“So, you brought me here knowing that was going to happen?”

“No! I came with you to protect you.” Ashlyn’s voice held a desperation in it, she wanted Tawnee to understand but the other girl shook her head.

“You brought me into a trap.” She turned and started walking away, kicking off her shoes and picking them up. “I’m going home, don’t bother coming after me. I’m not sticking around for whatever sick game the three of you have planned.” She didn’t look back to see Ashlyn’s face, and she definitely did not see Michael and Brett leave the gym with Ashlyn’s car keys, steering her to the pink BMW and overpowering her.

*

Natalie frowned at her daughter as she hesitated just outside the doors of the church. “Just go inside, it’s a church.”

“It’s a funeral. Her best friend’s funeral, have some compassion for her Natalie.” Her father said. He had taken the day off work to be there for her, they both had, though it was clear that her mother would rather be anywhere but there.

“It’s okay dad.” Tawnee wiped her eyes, thankful for waterproof mascara and slowly opened the door, immediately being enveloped in a hug from Janet who was watching Natalie walk into the foyer and hang her coat.

“I’m so glad you’re here, I was worried, but this isn’t something you’d miss.” The woman pulled back, showing her red rimmed eyes and seeming like she had even more grey streaked into her blonde hair. “You’ll sit with us, right? In the front, it’s where she would want you.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” She gave a shaky smile and stood between Janet and Rick while they greeted everyone who came to Ashlyn’s funeral. Her heart stopped when she saw two familiar boys come in and shake Janet’s hands like nothing was wrong.

“We’re so sorry.” Brett said, taking Janet’s hand and patting it. “Obviously I loved Ashlyn, and she was taken from us way too soon.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Michael said, shaking everyone’s hand and holding just a bit too long on Tawnee’s. “It’s truly a tragedy.” He gave her a small smirk and followed Brett into the cramped room, leaving the little group of three to follow in and close the door, heading for the front pew where they settled and Tawnee took Janet’s hand, settling down for the funeral while she ignored the eyes on her back.

*

“The two men indicated in the case of Ashlyn Pinkett have been found guilty on all accounts.” The news made Tawnee stop short as she looked at the screen. Brett and Michael were staring at her from their mugshots, and she raised her hand when her dad made to change the channel. He stopped and left the room. “Both boys have spent the past two years in Juvenile corrections while they awaited the time to be tried as adults. It was revealed in a statement made by one of the perpetrators that this was a premeditated crime. There was also overwhelming DNA evidence to place them at the scene of the crime and on the victim. Finally, she can rest in peace.” The program changed and Tawnee let herself sink down into the couch.

“Wow. Finally.” She didn’t have to look to know the couch was supporting her hallucination of Ashlyn; that’s what the new psychiatrist had called it. She had started some type of medication, but Ashlyn still appeared sometimes. They had called it something like a survivor’s guilt, but that was stupid, there had been nothing for her to survive, though on some level she agreed. If she hadn’t left Ashlyn that night, would she have died too? Or would she have saved her.

“So, college soon. I’m guessing I’m not going with you.” Ashlyn gave her a sad smile and Tawnee opened her mouth, the hallucination holding up a finger. “It’s okay, I don’t need to. And you have all your fancy medications. Soon, I won’t be able to. And that’s okay. They’re in jail, you’re leaving home, thank God. You should start wearing blue again, you know it’s my favorite color on you. And for the love of me” Ashlyn punctuated that with a wink “Don’t feel guilty anymore, don’t hold back. I want you to have the best damn life you can. For both of us, you’re living for two now Tawn.”

Tawnee opened her mouth, tears falling again and closed it, the apparition gone, no imprint left in the couch.