If Only

Phoebe ran up the stairs in front of me. It was the only way to get in and out of the basement of the lonely house perched on the cliffside plateau. A winding highway graced the cliffs above, whipping back and forth on its way to the Lonephalt city limits only a few miles away. It might as well had been a different world all the way out here. One I used to only dream of visiting with Phoebe.

“Hurry up, Paula!” she called down to me now.

I stood at the bottom of the stairs, basement clubhouse sprawled out behind me. Phoebe had paused at the top, metal door lifted above her revealing a clear blue sky and blinding sunlight. Hands curled into fists at my side as I mounted the stairs after her. It had been three years since we’d last been together, since we’d last kissed. I could still remember the taste of her lips on mine and the way my purple lipstick smudged her mouth when we pulled apart.

Seeing that I was at last following, Phoebe darted outside. I, too, paused at the top of the stairs to take in the view. A few feet away, the world ended. The isolated house’s backyard ended in a steep drop down to roiling ocean waves. This part of the Laventis Ocean never seemed to be calm, not even on a nice day like this one. The only vegetation here were scraggily patches of moss that fought valiantly to maintain a hold of life on the barren rocks.

Phoebe twirled in a circle between me and the edge of the world. Her bare feet kicked up clouds of dust. It had been ages since anyone had been here if anyone had ever stepped foot on the rock before. While the basement was lived in and the back the only way to get in, there was a pathway right against the side of the house leading from the front door right to the mouth of the basement. No one would ever have any reason to venture any farther away. Yet, Phoebe seemed entirely comfortable dancing perilously close to the cliff edge.

“I used to come to this place, as a kid.” The sea breeze whipped Phoebe’s yellow sun dress around her pale legs. Goosebumps broke out across her flesh. She stopped spinning with her back to me as she gazed out across the choppy ocean waves below.

“It’s nice.” I closed the basement door before coming up behind her and looking out over the cliff. I couldn’t help but think about the highway above us and the miles of sheer cliff alongside it with not a single guardrail in sight. I couldn’t help but think about all the lives that had been lost there too. Why would anyone want to build a house here to begin with? Why would anyone want to live here? I had a hard time imagining Phoebe growing up in this place alongside her twin brother Lancaster. She’d told me once on our third date that her parents were both private people who worked in Lonephalt so the location suited them just fine.

I wrapped my arms around Phoebe, resting my chin on her shoulder, as though the three years since we’d broken up could be washed away as easily as the sea eroded the rock below. If only she had talked to me first. If only she hadn’t gone home with him. If only they hadn’t slept together. If only he hadn’t gotten her pregnant. If only she hadn’t kept his baby. If only.

Phoebe stiffened against me, head bent in the wind like a dog. “It was a mistake, you know,” she said as though she could read my mind.

“You’ve said that before.” I pulled her closer to my chest despite everything. For now, we had this moment and nothing else.

“I don’t know how many times you want me to say it.” Phoebe grabbed my arms with delicate fingers like butterfly wings.

“I fear it will never be enough,” I whispered. Bending my head, I gave the back of her neck a kiss, my own brown ringlets tickling her sensitive flesh.

She turned in my hold and wrapped her arms around the back of my neck. Sometimes I used to think we were a different species of women, her being petite and much more slender than me. She just has big bones, they used to say about me. Big bones, extra weight. Everything about me was larger than Phoebe. That was one thing I’d always loved about her. She never cared. She’d call me beautiful just the way I was.

Our lips met, my purple lipstick to her sparkly pink lip gloss. I tangled my fist into her long, blond hair, snatching it before the wind could take it all. Our kiss was deep, passionate, and so much like the first one we’d ever shared that it was easy to forget. Easy to forget what’d come between us. The time we’d lost and the trust she’d shattered.

When I pulled away, her lips were smeared with purple like always. Tears shimmered in the corners of her pink eyes as she gazed up at me. Hardening my expression, I looked beyond her to where the ocean continued into forever on the horizon.

“Paula?” she asked.

In response, I let go with a push, sending Phoebe’s fragile body tumbling down the cliff face into the waves below. Her voice pealed with the ghost of a scream.