If I Had Wings

Is it possible to see yourself through the eyes of someone else? Everyone has heard the classic, “I wish you could see what I see in you”, at least once in their lives. But has anyone ever really seen whatever it is that the rest of the world admires so much? I know I sure haven’t, and boy do I wish I could.

No matter how many times I hear that phrase or about how talented or wise I am, my mind fails to comprehend it. It’s not that I think everyone is lying or trying to appease me, it’s simply that I struggle to believe there is something extraordinary within me.

I wonder if this is how an owl feels. Such a beautiful, graceful creature praised and embraced by many as all knowing and wise. It’s impressive really how universal their role in the world is. Do they know how important they are, the calm and serenity they provide? The beacons of hope and peace they represent?

Or are they like me lost and confused about their purpose in life? Masters at pretending like they know what they're doing when in reality they are on the verge of having a mental breakdown in a broom closet, or barn rather. Hoping and praying that they’re secret is never exposed, that no one discovers how hopeless and terrified they truly feel on the inside. Do they feel as small and invisible as I do? Drowning in the dark abyss of vulnerability and dread.

Funnily enough it’s my supposed spirit animal, yet the only similarities I see between the two of us is that we are both lovers of the night, I’ve always been in love with the night. For as long as I can remember, the midnight sky has been my best friend, my reprieve, my happy place. An escape from the pesky thoughts that haunt me during the golden hours when others are basking in the radiant rays of the blinding sun. Much like my feathered counterpart, I would much rather use that time to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Maybe it’s because I’m quiet and only share the sacred parts of myself with the only two people I feel comfortable enough around to open up to. Or it may be the seemingly endless streams of advice I find myself giving out when I see someone who needs reassurance. Sometimes I don’t even speak ,I just listen and provide a shoulder to cry on. While others thank me for it, I brush it off as simply being a decent human being. Any one would do the same if they were in that position. Right?

Or maybe just maybe I’m being too hard on myself. It seems a bit far-fetched but There is the possibility, a very tiny but still there possibility, that I may be making a difference in the world . Maybe these small things I see as mundane and insignificant are much more consequential to those on the receiving end.

Maybe instead of hiding from the world paralyzed I should dive off the cliff and spread my growing wings. Embrace the vulnerability and explore the unknown it harbors. Maybe then I’d finally be able to see what it is that everyone else does when I scrutinize myself in the mirror.

What a dream that would be, to be an owl soaring fearlessly throughout life. Knowing that now matter what comes my way I’ll be okay because I know who I am. Because I love who I am. To be an owl, what a dream it would be.