I Won't Let Go

It’s hard to hate Missouri as I gaze at its brilliant night sky. I point upward and trace my finger along the Andromeda constellation. Ophelia reaches over and grabs my frigid hand.

“How are your fingers so cold? It’s the middle of summer,” she says worriedly.

“I’m not sure,” I mumble.

She intertwines her fingers with mine and pulls our hands closer to the fire. It isn’t long before my hand begins to sweat from the heat; I pull it away from the flames and knot my fingers in her curls. Her disheveled hair dances in the summer breeze, looking like fire itself. It was fitting for a girl like her to have hair that looks so alive. I grin at her and pull her close.

We’re silent for a few moments, listening to the crackling of the fire, the buzzing of cicadas, and the rushing of water nearby. The forest is beautiful. Although only a short distance from our rural town, I had never dared to cross the threshold of trees that marked the beginning of endless woods. My parents weren’t particularly concerned with the dangers of the forest; rather, they feared what other townspeople would think about their precious daughter parading about among the dirt and trees. If they knew where I was now- or even worse, who I was with- I would never see the light of day again.

“Are you alright?” Ophelia asks in a hushed voice. “We can still turn around. No one’s even noticed we’re gone yet.”

I almost chuckle at the absurdity of talking so quietly when we couldn’t be more alone. The lump of anxiety in my throat prevents that. I shake my head with resolve.

“We can’t,” I respond in a breathy voice. “I can’t go back.”

She nods her head in understanding.

“Charlotte, just take a deep breath, okay?” Her intense brown eyes stare back at my own as she waits for me to obey. I do, but it doesn’t work.

She stands up, dusting the dirt off of her white nightgown, and extends her hand toward me.

“Is that supposed to be a high-five?” I ask her.

She rolls her eyes and grabs my hand, pulling me towards her. When I’m on my feet, our faces are only an inch apart. She moves my bangs out of my eyes and pulls me in for a hug. I can feel my face flush with warmth, and I pull her closer. After a few moments, she loosens her grip and looks at me, her smile wide and her eyes wild. I know that look.

“Will you please come with me?” She asks pulling on my sleeve.

“Go with you where?”

“I’m not sure,” she grins. “That’s the fun part.”

I’m more hesitant about gallivanting about the wilderness in the dark than she is. “We only have one flashlight, though.”

“Then just hold my hand and don’t let go,” she begs. “Please?”

My heart beats faster and I lose my resolve. “Fine,” I sigh.

She pulls me along the side of a small creek toward the sound of gentle waves beyond the trees, skipping as she goes, whilst I struggle to not trip over our feet. When we finally stop, I double over and pant for air.

“Sorry about that, I forget not everyone does cross country,” Ophelia chuckles.

She sits down on the rocky ground and peels off her shoes and socks. She pats the ground beside her and motions for me to do the same. I practically collapse onto the rocks.

“Not your fault,” I reply between labored breaths. “I’m just out of shape.”

We make a pile of our shoes and clothes on a nearby fallen tree trunk and walk carefully across the rocks toward the water. We pause for a moment, staring at the vast lake before us. We both gaze at the moon’s reflection on its surface, awestruck. She wordlessly takes my hand, and we walk in together.

The cool water against my skin offers a sweet respite from the warm, suffocating air. Once the water is up to our ankles, soft sand replaces the jagged rocks, and we easily walk into the deeper water. We walk farther in until the water is up to our chins, and we stop to survey the lake.

“Look at that!” Ophelia excitedly points towards a large rock formation about a hundred yards away.

My brow furrows with worry.

“That’s pretty far out, are you sure it’s safe?”

“For sure! We do a lot of swimming in cross country practice, I’m a natural!” she exclaims proudly.

“Right, but we’ve already established I’m not as athletically gifted as you are.”

“Charlotte, I promise you’ll be fine,” she says with wide eyes. “I’ll be right here.”

It’s as if she knows her eyes are my weakness.

“Okay,” I smile halfheartedly.

Her face lights up. She dives into the water and swims so gracefully it looks effortless. Her long, red hair trails behind her.

She reaches the rocks shortly before I do, and when I finally make it there, she’s clutching the mossy, grey rock with one hand and extending the other towards me. She pulls me in, and I hold onto her as I catch my breath. I feel her kicking her feet around the rocks beneath us.

“Why are you kicking your feet? You can just hold onto the rock, you don’t need to waste your energy swimming.”

“There’s something here,” she says, her eyes filled with wonder.

I look at her, confused, before trying it myself. I kick my feet around and feel an opening. It’s an underwater cave. I look at her eyes, twinkling with excitement. Mine are filled with worry.

“Maybe we should call it here,” I tell her. “We can go back and make a camp, get some sleep. We’ve explored enough for one night.”

“How am I supposed to sleep knowing there’s an underwater cave half a mile away?”

“By closing your eyes,” I respond anxiously. “What exactly are you wanting to do anyway?”

“I want to go inside of it, obviously.”

I stare at her in disbelief.

“That’s a terrible idea. There’s no one else around. If you get hurt, what am I supposed to do? We don’t even know what’s in there.”

“Fine,” she relents. “I’m sorry. I’ve just never felt this free, you know? I feel like my parents have always held me back, never allowed me to explore. Metaphorically and literally. Being here with you,” she grabs my hand, “is the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m sorry for stressing you out, I know our parents and everything else is stressful enough. I think I’m just trying to make the most out of tonight because they’ll be looking for us soon.” She pauses. “I don’t want to have any regrets.”

I don’t say anything for a moment while I gather my thoughts.

“I get it, Ophelia, I really do. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m so worried about our family and our town, and I’m letting it ruin our night.”

“You’re not ruining my night. You have every right to feel that way.”

“So do you. So, go ahead and explore the cave. I’ll be right here.” I give her a genuine smile.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive. Just don’t take too long.”

Smiling ear to ear, she asks, “Don’t you want to come along?”

“I’d prefer to be your lifeguard up here.”

Ophelia tightly hugs me with one arm and whispers in my ear: “Thank you for understanding. I feel like you’re the only one who gets me sometimes.”

“Of course,” I whisper back. “I’m always here for you.”

She gives me a peck on the cheek before inhaling a big breath, pinching her nose, and submerging. The last thing to go under are the tips of her hair, and I watch with anxiety as they disappear into the dark waters.

A few moments pass before I exhale the breath I had been holding in. The night is eerie without her beside me. The beauty I had marveled at with Ophelia only moments earlier- the lake, the sky, the trees- now seem chilling in her absence.

I take deep breaths to calm myself. Instead, my anxiety rises seeing that she isn’t back yet. It’s been too long. The fishy taste of the lake lingers in my mouth as I realize I have been mindlessly biting my nails while counting the seconds since she disappeared: 313 seconds so far. I stick my head underwater, eyes open, to see if I can see anything. Nothing. I count for another ten seconds before diving in after her.

I quickly find where the entrance opens up wide enough for me to fit through. I swim through the space blindly, with no light or hand to guide me. I feel around the jagged rocks that line the walls, praying to whoever may be listening that I find her. My lungs start to tingle, and I know I have to find her quickly.

I feel the urge to cry, but I hold back knowing that sobbing this deep underwater would likely kill me. I start feeling around more frantically, while my lungs begin to burn. I don’t have much longer. Finally, I touch something that is most definitely not a rock. It’s a hand. Her hand. But it’s wrong. It’s limp.

I yank her back towards the entrance with all my might, but she’s stuck. I pull harder, my lungs screaming for air. I have to get her out. I feel around trying to find where she's caught. I grab her hair and pull with what little energy I have left. It’s stuck. I tug on it harder, worrying that I might be hurting her. What worries me more is that she doesn’t respond at all.

I breathe out the air I had been holding in. I know I need to swim out of there. It’s now or never. I run my hand through her hair, wishing I could see her, holding back the sobs in the back of my throat as I turn away. I stare into the blackness, imagining myself leaving this cave. Leaving her. I swim forward a few feet. My lungs are screaming. I know I can make it out. It isn’t too much farther. But instead, I grab Ophelia’s hand. I won’t let go.