I Miss My Mother

Why did mother go away? I said to my grandmother that day.

Mommy wasn’t well, she said. She was deeply sad inside, and no one could reach her to be by her side.

I missed my mother more than candy, ice cream, or Noodle. I missed my mother when I couldn’t find friends. I missed my mother when my dad couldn’t play. I missed my mother when we stayed out all day.

I acted out badly, but I was really just sad-see? I missed my mother even when I was bad. She was always kind, playful, and fair. She only said no when I yanked on her hair. They all would tell me to quit being so loud, so needy, so mean. I couldn’t help myself, I just needed my mother, the fairy play queen.

She always held me close when I was sad, mad, or boisterous. She never cared that I was never noiseless. She held my hands when I couldn’t seem to play nice. She cared for me whenever I fell on the ice.

My mother was queen. I was her princess, her fairy, her friend. Even when she was on the mend, she still loved me dearly and was always my friend. We’d watch TV in bed for days on end. Mother was cautious and kind. I didn’t know what to do without her and constantly cried.

I lost my teddy and I cried for days on end. My father tried to help me but didn’t know how. We went to see Emily, to help out somehow. She talked to me kindly, and held my hand. She told me it was okay that I was mad, sad, and bad. Life was hard without mothers, you see. We’d practice long breathing, and identify feelings. I learned to ask for what I needed, when and how. I worked with my father to figure out how.

Dad was sad, mad, and bad too you see. He just couldn’t figure out how to deal with me. Emily helped us learn to be new. When you lose something important to you, you won’t ever be the same you see. We had to relearn how to be we. We found family friends that helped us, Caroline and Mark were always around. Her son and daughter became my playmates when we went into town.

I missed my mother still, but my father started to play. He started to hold my hands when they wouldn’t be nice, and grab me quickly before I fell on the ice. We missed mother dearly, and when we were on the mend we would watch TV, curled up end to end. Some days we were okay, on others the tears would fall away. We’d go to grandmothers then, she always was kind, caring, and fearless. She’d face our pain with tears in her eyes, then fill our hearts, then our bellies with delicious mince pies.

I asked my dad if we could visit mother soon. He said once your loved ones pass away, it’s like they went to the moon. It’s not like they just went to the store. Their souls leave their bodies you see. We can visit where we placed her body, he said. But really she lives on in our heads. When you remember her laughing, playing, or even mad, she’s living inside us and will be with us, so. She never will go.

Can I trade my teddy for mommy? I ask as he’s driving. He looks at me, pained and said he wished I could, but mommy’s gone forever, we can’t get her back from the depths. He said he’d give the world for just one more moment with her there. That’s just not how the world works you see, but in our minds we can have anything you please. We can play dress up and imagine, what mommy is doing on the other side. Perhaps she’s fishing in a rainbow ocean, eating pie, or resting on a beachside. I laugh as I imagine her jumping on jellyfish, floating in space, while making a face.

I bet she’s eaten a star! I say, letting my mind wander away. My dad smiles softly, still thinking away. Shall we go see Carol and Mark today? Yes, please! I say, they make me feel better and don’t mind when I say I miss my mother. They knew her too and always were kind. I tell them I can imagine my mother doing whatever she pleases, in places high up, or any place you can squeeze in. They look at me oddly, but decide to give it a try- maybe she was eating a world size pizza pie! I laugh as I listen, I still miss my mother. But having friends and family who just listen, always improves my condition.

When I get overwhelmed I sit on my dad’s lap in a pile. He cuddles me closely, knowing we’ll be there a while. I yell and I scream, telling him we’re stuck in a world that just doesn’t play fair. He listens quietly, nodding, agreeing. He’s angry too, you see. He says he loves me more than air, I cover his mouth and nose just to see. He holds his breath he can until he just can’t, his eyes popping, watering he gasps for air. My mother was my fairy play queen, but my father’s been the rock I can stand on. He grabs my hand when the waves overcome us. He promises to always be there, tells me I’m strong, and can be anything I please.

He says that it’s okay to have needs. When I’m whiny he listens closely, asking what’s wrong. I let him know that I’m bored and I’m tired of everything feeling wrong!

We pack up our bags, Carol and Mark take Noodle. We set off to a hotel with a pool too! We go to the beach and pick sea shells, I tell my dad the ocean really smells. We laugh and we play, picking through tide pools, eating at any old restaurant we please. We still miss mommy, but we’re living on, trying to be free. I jump as the waves scare the bejesus out of me. Dad laughs and splashes me. We’re living on, scarred, but healing. We’ll continue to come back here, when we miss this feeling.

If you’ve lost a lot like us, it’ll be hard. Just know that if you have loved ones to reach out to, you won’t have to be on guard. We still struggle on days when it’s bad, but grief has taught us we won’t always be sad. Like the waves of the ocean, it rises and falls. When we can’t see the shore we grab on tight, to those who surround us, and shine on us their light. We would not be here without our village, our people. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts and our souls. We would not be here without you, your roles are the point, we all are the meaning. It’s love in our life that makes it alright. If you’re alone and sad, find a hand, open up, and let in the light.