I don't like My Body

If you were to ask any person on the street about their body, I am sure that at some point in time they have had an issue with it. And a grand majority of people still do. With the new wave of filters, diet hacks and tips to loss weight, body image is still a point of fascination within our society. Well we may have many advocates for plus sizes, different body types and disease/ illness awareness; there is still a heavy drive towards being the best version of oneself and often this best version is still thin.

I wanted to talk about body image today because for the past few weeks it has been a sore spot for me. Although I am slowly becoming friends with the mirror again and trying not to flinch every time a picture is taken of me; I still find a lot of flaws within myself. I am aware that one of my triggers does happen to be dance class right now. Well I love to dance and ultimately I will fight with myself to keep with it. Rather than give up based on my less than ideal body; I have been less than thrilled with what I see in the mirror. I generally look at myself and feel like a circle. My hairline looks stupid, my face fair too puffy, skin not perfectly one shade, stomach flappy, arms too broad, hips to wide, breasts too big, thighs a bit too thundery, under arms, boob and back full of fat. Oh and did I mention, my butt is kind of flat. The list could realistically go on. I have become an expert of picking out the things I hate. I am probably the only one to really care about a new pimple, mole or the 5 extra pounds I am at the end of the day. And I have been this way, since I was a preteen.

When I first thought about writing this entry, I began to depict my time as a hormonal thirteen year old. The one who was disappointed that her arms looked red and bumpy, she had muscular calves, a pointed nose and acne. But in reality it was before that, when at eleven I was starting to grow hairs on my upper lip and a boy I happened to have a minor crush on mentioned it while swimming in the Liard hot springs. I was mortified and unsuccessfully tried to play it off as dirt. Now this may not have been the initial thing to cause the never ending displeasure with my body, but I certainly became more aware of it. However, thirteen is when it became a problem. With the increase to social media, advertisements, and fashion of the 2010s; I was at a constant battle with my image. I picked up additional sports I really didn't like, and even thought skipping breakfast and sometimes lunch was complete normal, if I wanted to lose weight.

I based a lot of self-worth on my perceived weight and fatness. I thought it was a measure of if I was pretty or not. And because I couldn’t get a date, was bullied and constantly losing friends because I wasn’t popular… I figured it must have been because I wasn’t skinny and therefore wasn’t pretty enough. Which I realize now is a bit if a circle argument. But at least it made some sense. Now a days it seems to get chalked up to being all in my head. With no really sense of why, how, or any solution to the problem.

And no matter how many times I have gone to the doctor or counselling I don’t get much. Besides a general anxiety and depression disorder, a confirmation about PCOS only to have it denied later. I feel like I’m going crazy with trying to figure out what it wrong with me. And if I get told one more time by the doctor that I should eat more fruits and veggies… I might scream. (I eat a lot of fruits and veggies) But my BMI has classified me as obese and any attempts to lose weight are a general struggle. No diet, exercise change or even attempts to lower my stress have seem to drop the number on the scale. Which ultimately has lead me down a long path of google searches and probably unnecessary self diagnosis, as I struggle to give myself an answer. Because I have been obsessing over my weight and how I look, I’ve landed on the door of Body Dysmorphia.

Body Dysmorphia Disorder is a brain based disorder that cause individuals to have a warped perception of what they see verses what is actually there. It is not based in vanity, though many people who suffer from the disorder do seek reassurance on their looks and use masking tools such as flattering clothing, make-up and surgery to change how they look. Which ultimately makes it generally impossible to distinguish between having the disorder or general lack of self esteem. The influence of social pressures and social media also do not help this reflection either. As nearly everyone is looking to obtain the perfect body/ image. This organically creates a widespread practice of hyper fixating on physical imperfections. Making a diagnosis even harder. Well most online status suggest that a small percentage of the population has BDD, I would argue that a lot of people have wired themselves to have this issue and well many may be able to treat it easier; it’s a massive problem. Even the notion that BDD imposes beliefs of self worthlessness, unlikability and failure; doesn’t help anyone achieve a sense of if they have this disorder vs something else. Now I am not a doctor or a psychologist for that matter, but I do know how to use google and thanks to university can research a think or two beyond just popping it into a search engine. I am no were near the amount of research I would want to make a educated statement, or sit here and say I know everything about the disorder. But as anyone, I have some thoughts on the matter. And as I struggle with my own body, I sympathize with a lot of the statements on BDD. Especially as I have struggled with my own eating disorder. But I am not going to sit and say I have BDD. I might think it’s a possibility, but I also don’t know. Instead, my frustration comes from the constant failings of the medical system and the lack of access to professional help I need, as well as being sick of the social norms of beauty and health.

Thankfully, I have a number of people on social media that I follow who do point out the ridiculousness if it all. But its ingrained very deeply within my own subconscious. And well I am trying to heal and create long term changes in the name of health, instead of being a skinny legend. The mirror still bothers me… I still think I look ugly and fat and sometimes I think my dance classes would look better without me in it. Because that voice still rings in my head…. That no one wants to watch a fat dancer. (Thank you ex-dance instructor). And it seems like no matter how much I am grateful for what my body can do and try to remind myself that well I am bigger I also haven’t felt this healthy before. I have energy, I don’t need to use an inhaler as much anymore, I am happier. I like eating fruit and veggies, heck I crave them sometimes. And I honor the need for balance, like rest days and yes I can eat cookies. But when I do struggle, I find it incredibly hard to open up because people don’t take it as a serious thing. It’s a vanity thing, or not being my type kind of thing, or a ‘girl shut up! You are so pretty’ thing. So once again I am left to dig into my own self and try and work it out. And I don’t have all the answers yet, but I hope one day I get the help and support I need. And I hope everyone does. Because no one deserves to be a stranger in their own body.

Recommendation:

Abby’s Kitchen

Reference:

Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” 2024 https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/body-dysmorphic-disorder, Accessed on September 9, 2024.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation, https://bddfoundation.org/?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIjPLjp57SiAMVaXF_AB2NcQYDEAAYASAAEgL2M_D_BwE, Accessed on September 9, 2024.