I am Panic

“Don’t look down yet.”

“I’m already up here.”

“Just stand still.”

“I am standing.”

“You’re gripping too hard.”

“If I let go, I’ll fall.”

“You won’t fall.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“I’m right here.”

“You’re lower.”

“Only by one rung.”

“That’s a big difference.”

“Breathe with me.”

“I am breathing.”

“Then why do you sound like that?”

“Because my legs aren’t listening.”

“They’re listening. They’re just scared.”

“They’re not mine anymore.”

“They’re yours. I’ve known them since you were born.”

“They were different before.”

“Before the hospital?”

“Before the metal.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like it owns you.”

“It does.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“You didn’t feel it snap.”

“I felt plenty.”

“You didn’t wake up afterward.”

“I woke up every night after.”

“That’s not the same.”

“Look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Please.”

“If I turn my head, I’ll see it.”

“You don’t have to see anything.”

“Everyone sees me.”

“They’re just swimming.”

“They stopped.”

“They’ll start again.”

“They’re quiet.”

“Pools are always quiet up here.”

“My knees are shaking.”

“Lock them.”

“They won’t lock.”

“Press your toes down.”

“I can’t feel them.”

“You can. Wiggle.”

“They won’t.”

“Say it.”

“Say what?”

“That you’re here.”

“I’m here.”

“Say it louder.”

“I’m here.”

“Good.”

“Dad.”

“Yes.”

“If I fall—”

“You won’t.”

“But if I do—”

“I’ll jump after you.”

“You hate heights.”

“I hate this more.”

“You’re crying.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You are.”

“It’s the water.”

“It’s ten meters down.”

“I know how high it is.”

“You made me climb it.”

“You said you wanted to beat it.”

“I said I wanted to try.”

“And you did.”

“I can’t go back.”

“You don’t have to.”

“The ladder is blocked.”

“I’m blocking it.”

“Why?”

“So you don’t freeze halfway.”

“I already froze.”

“Then we wait.”

“How long?”

“As long as it takes.”

“My hands hurt.”

“Loosen them.”

“They’re stuck.”

“I’ll pry them open if I have to.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I’m not moving.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“What if I never jump?”

“Then we’ll talk.”

“About what?”

“About fear.”

“I know fear.”

“You know pain.”

“They feel the same.”

“They’re not.”

“How do you know?”

“Pain ends.”

“Fear doesn’t.”

“It will.”

“When?”

“When you move.”

“I can’t move.”

“You moved to the edge.”

“That was before I looked.”

“Close your eyes.”

“Then I’ll fall.”

“You’ll jump.”

“I don’t know the difference.”

“I’ll count.”

“No counting.”

“I’ll hum.”

“No.”

“I’ll stay quiet.”

“Don’t.”

“What do you want?”

“Tell me about the first time you jumped.”

“You were six.”

“You held my hand.”

“You said the water was soft.”

“You said I was brave.”

“You were.”

“I’m not now.”

“Bravery isn’t loud.”

“It’s not here.”

“It is.”

“Where?”

“In the shaking.”

“In the tears?”

“In staying.”

“I want to sit down.”

“You can’t.”

“My legs will give.”

“They won’t.”

“They already did.”

“Lean into me.”

“I can’t reach.”

“I’m closer than you think.”

“Say it again.”

“Say what?”

“That you’re here.”

“I’m here.”

“Again.”

“I’m here.”

“Louder.”

“I’m here!”

“Good.”

“They’re watching.”

“Let them.”

“I don’t want them to remember this.”

“They won’t.”

“I will.”

“You’ll remember the splash.”

“I don’t want to jump.”

“I know.”

“I want to go down.”

“I know.”

“There’s no down.”

“There’s always down.”

“Not here.”

“Here too.”

“How?”

“One step.”

“My feet won’t lift.”

“They will.”

“When?”

“Now.”

“They didn’t.”

“Again.”

“They didn’t.”

“Say my name.”

“Carry.”

“Say it like you mean it.”

“Carry!”

“Yes.”

“I’m still here.”

“So am I.”

“My stomach hurts.”

“That means you’re alive.”

“I don’t want to be alive up here.”

“Then go where you want to be.”

“I want the water.”

“Then take it.”

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re still standing.”

“I don’t feel like it.”

“Feelings lie.”

“My body doesn’t.”

“It will follow.”

“When?”

“When you tell it.”

“Jump.”

“Say it again.”

“Jump.”

“Say it louder.”

“Jump!”

“Again.”

“Jump!”

“Close your eyes.”

“I did.”

“Bend your knees.”

“They bent.”

“Forward.”

“I’m falling.”

“You’re flying.”

“Dad!”

“I’ve got you.”

“No you don’t!”

“I always do.”

“I can’t breathe!”

“You will.”

“I hit!”

“You’re in.”

“I’m in.”

“You did it.”

“I did it.”

“You’re laughing.”

“I’m crying.”

“Both are allowed.”

“My legs.”

“They moved.”

“They’re mine.”

“They always were.”

“Don’t let go.”

“I won’t.”

“Never again?”

“One jump at a time.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”