How to use an elevator

1. It all begins when you make it to the building you need to be at. [Important: you must follow those instructions first. Once that's accomplished you may come back here.]

2. Find the main lobby, (which usually contains the elevator bay (you know, where the elevators are located.) (Also of note, some countries and buildings may call them “lifts”, “hoist” and even “paternoster” which are the same thing but named differently for some odd reason.))

3. If for some (ahem) good reason you can't find the elevator, or don't know what an elevator looks like, there is usually someone kind enough (usually) to help you with that bit; usually being the key word. They are usually (again usually being the key word) sitting behind a desk somewhere obvious.

4. Once you've found the elevator, you must take note of where the elevator is heading. It is important to know that sometimes certain elevators only go to certain floors. For example, the elevator on the right may go from the lobby to floor 21, while the elevator on the left expresses from the lobby to floor 22 then is local from 22 to the top floor.

5. OK. let's say you want to go to floor 32, you'll want to go to the left elevator. Once there, you'll find 2 buttons: one with an arrow pointing up, one with an arrow pointing down.

6. Push the up button. (Which is something you may have to do multiple times. OK, maybe not but many impatient people do it anyway.)

7. Wait for the doors to slide open (This may take a while to happen).

8. (Only if necessary) Wait for people to get off.

9. Step all the way on. You may notice a track for the door. You DO NOT want to stand on it for very long, as (depending on the make/model) the doors may automatically close on you. And you do not want that to happen. Trust me. I've seen an elevator door close on somebody, then open, then close then... well, you get the idea.

10. OK remember what floor you want to get off on. In this example it was floor 32.

11. You must locate the floor indicator buttons located on one side of the doors or the other.

12. Now find the right floor button. Again, in this example it's floor 32. But in your case, it might be a different floor number, which is OK.

13. Now you need to wait for the elevator to go to your desired floor.

14. In some cases, the door may open on a floor you haven't selected. IT'S OK. But it's important to know you do not want to get off if it's not your floor. But BEWARE someone else might want to get on. So let them get on. (If that happens; it is important to know that you do not want to speak to them or even acknowledge their presence. Don't ask me why, it's just like some... unwritten rule.)

15. Once you reach the desired floor, you can now step off the elevator, keeping in mind you DO NOT want to stand on the door track for any period of time, because... you know. (At least I HOPE you do. -- If not, re-read about what can happen in rule #9 again.)

16. Once you've accomplished the reason you're on floor 32, come back to the elevator.

17. You can push the down button.

18. Wait for the doors to open and (if necessary) let the people who want to get off get off.

19. Now you can get on. And for God's sake if there are other people on the elevator remember that unspoken rule DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO THEM; EVER.

20. Select the “L” button (that's for the “Lobby”) and do not under any circumstances push the “B” button. That's for the basement of the building, you do not need to go to the basement, unless you joined some sort of underground work cult or something like that.

21. So, you finally reached the lobby. Quickly step off the elevator and move towards the revolving door. And this is where I hope and pray to God you don't need instructions on how to use a revolving door. Although, it is my experience that some people do.