How to Keep the House Quiet After 11:47 PM

*Document revised November 1, 1887, after nursery incident

**Document revised December 26th, 1946, after Christmas party

***Document revised June 12th, 2002, after phone call incident

How to Keep the House Quiet After 11:47 pm

Read Before 10 pm on Your First Day in the House

SECTION ONE: BASIC PREP

Power off all televisions, radios, music players, digital clocks, and any other devices with timers, alarms, or auto-play.

Change the volume settings on all mobile phones to vibrate SILENT.

Remove batteries from all smart watches.

Disable appliances that may restart automatically after an unexpected power loss.

Close, secure, and lock all windows.

Close and lock all doors to the outside. Under NO circumstances whatsoever should you open them again before 4:58 am.

Remove batteries from smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. Alternatively, install detectors with visual-only alerts.

If possible, turn off temperature-control devices to avoid noisy fans, metal clanking, and pipes shifting. If not, keep them as low as you can stand.

Do not install: automatic ice makers, wind chimes, or noisy decorations.

SECTION TWO: EXTRA PREP

Secure cabinet doors with soft ties to prevent accidental shifts or other movement. Ensure all contents inside are either heavy or taped down. Zip ties or other plastic options are not sufficient.

Place towels along doorframes to prevent drafts.

Double-check all door hinges are secure. If any screws have come loose, tighten them.

Ensure the dishwasher is finished, emptied, and closed.

Secure utensils in bundles with soft ties. Ensure drawers are firmly closed.

SECTION THREE: FAMILY BEHAVIOUR

Do not speak aloud after 11:47, even in a whisper. If you must communicate and cannot read lips, do so through writing only. Regular pencils may be too loud; consider a wax or oil-based writing instrument.

Create easy and predictable bedtime routines.

Avoid sighing, coughing, or clearing your throat.

If you must breathe heavily for any reason, do so into a pillow or a thick piece of fabric.

When walking around the house after 11:47 pm, ONLY step on the floor spots designated with the faint black footstep stickers. Do not remove these stickers. These precise locations have been determined as silent.

It is not recommended to replace the flooring, but if you must, conduct noise tests and mark safe spots before 11:47 pm on the first night after replacement.

Do not lean against interior walls after 11:47 pm.

Avoid the use of running water after 11:47 pm.

If applicable, do not react to sudden pain. Apply pressure or friction to the area without vocalizing.

Avoid carrying heavy objects throughout the house past 11:47 pm due to the risk of accidental dropping.

SECTION FOUR: GUESTS

Guests must not be told of the rules.

Guests must leave the house before the doors are locked at 11:47 pm.

If guests fail to leave by 11:47 pm and they make a sound, [DO NOT] intervene silently.

SECTION FIVE: SLEEP PROTOCOL

Secure your mouth with medical tape and then gently wrap or tie a strip of cloth around it to prevent screaming or shouting in your sleep. A magnetic nostril expander may be used to assist with breathing if you have a deviated septum or other nasal condition.

Sleep on your side to reduce involuntary vocalizations.

Place the medical tape in a slightly different position every time to avoid skin irritation. A daily hydrating cream on the area is recommended.

Do not set morning alarms any earlier than 4:58 am.

When you experience night terrors, do not react and remain still until they pass.

Do not attempt to wake another person in the house.

• SECTION 5.1: SCREAMING PROTOCOL

1. In the event you or someone else wakes up screaming or crying, do not immediately remove the tape or wrap from yourself or another individual.
2. Press your face into a pillow to muffle the sound.
3. Mentally count backward from 100.
4. If you hear noises or movement, do not remove your face from the pillow until you’ve finished counting.

SECTION SIX: WHAT TO AVOID

Under no circumstances should you investigate strange or unfamiliar sounds.

Do not enter the attic or crawlspace after 11:47 pm.

SECTION SEVEN: MORNING RESET

Wait until at least 4:58 am to remove the tape and resume speaking.

Remove tape slowly to avoid tearing skin.

Unlock and open windows to allow air into the house.

Dispose of any damaged items before evening.

Do not acknowledge the absence of any guests who failed to leave the house before 11:47 pm the previous day.

SECTION EIGHT: ADDITIONAL THINGS TO NOTE

If your clocks disagree, assume the earliest time.

When decorating the walls, ensure all decorations are extremely secure. Extra-long and thick nails are recommended. A layer of glue along the back of frames is recommended.

When placing knick-knacks or standing decorations, secure all items to their surface. Glue is recommended.

If you think you heard your name being called, you did not.

Do not answer a knock at the door between 11:47 pm and 4:58 am.

If you survive a mistake, ensure you never make that mistake again.