How to Fuck Around

So, you’ve been invited to a party.

You are excited to go, right? What? You aren’t excited or aren’t going? You remember the last party you went to and it was a total awkward disaster? Oh, boy, you’re right, you probably just shouldn’t go. What’s that? But you really want to go, but you’ll need some advice on how to interact with peers, socialize, and basically, you know…

FUCK AROUND

With these simple five step instructions you too can learn how to paint the town red with an all nighter where you’ll get zozzled with the hip set in crowd and top dogs.

Step One: Get Invited to the Party

It’s Scott’s birthday party and you know Scott really well. This is perfect. You got close during that fundraising event, the one for the bald kids, the one that was about three years ago. When was the last time you saw Scott? Oh, that doesn’t matter.

You weren’t technically invited, but Scott’s parties are notoriously well-attended and he always encourages people to bring guests. Your friend assures you that they asked if it was okay if you came. Of course it’s okay that you joined.

Step Two: Wear the Right Clothing

An outfit can say so much about you, who you are, and what you stand for. You really want to make a good impression; you’ll be meeting a lot of new people tonight. Should you wear that tight red outfit that shows off the boys or go with a more casual jeans and t-shirt look? Scott has a pool, should you bring a suit? If you do, should you be wearing it before you arrive or put it on after? This one has a hole in it and that one, oh, it smells. This one looked nice at your grandma’s funeral, is it too formal? Your friend did not say it wasn’t a costume party. Kitty cat?

Step Three: Introduce Yourself

This is quite possibly one of the easiest steps. All you have to do is extend your hand, but make sure it isn’t too sweaty, and shake, oh, no, fist bump. Wait, it was a shake. Stop, just a minute, shake it off, shake it off, smile big, and say:

“Hello, my name is Jeff.”

Except your name isn’t Jeff. Why did you say the name Jeff? What a dumb fucking name to choose when you could have easily said your actual name, which is… Oh, fuck, what is your actual name? Your parents gave it to you, uh...

Too late, she’s introducing you to all her friends as her new friend Jeff. You are Jeff now.

Step Four: Do Not Talk About the Bizarre Egg-Laying Mammal from Australia, the Platypus.

It doesn’t matter that they use electroception to sense prey, no one is interested.

It doesn’t matter that a group of platypus is called a paddle and a baby is called a puggle, no one asked.

It doesn’t matter that platypus don’t have stomachs and wouldn’t enjoy this delicious cheese tray. Especially this dill Havarti, or this cranberry… is that goat cheese? BBQ mini franks! Kind of wish I hadn’t eaten before I left the house. Sorry, where was I? Platypus don’t have teeth.

Why did you watch that special on Platypus right before you left the house?

Why can’t you think of literally anything else to talk about?

Who keeps calling for Jeff?

Step Five: Be Yourself.

Relax. Be calm. You are in a safe place with people who like you. You can be yourself here.

Well, maybe don’t be that relaxed. You could probably tone down on the calm too.

Not relaxed enough and calm is going in the wrong direction.

You’re overthinking being relaxed and being calm. Try to focus on just being yourself.

That was your impression of Julia Child.

You are not Julia Child, you are Jeff, no. You are yourself! Be yourself. Calm. Relaxed. Calm. Relaxed. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I just want some cake, when are they going to cut the cake?

Platypus glow bioluminescent under UV light and scientists don’t know why.

Step Five: Exit on Your Own Terms

When you feel like the night is over, you get to go home on your own terms. It’s okay to be tired, it’s okay to be worn out. You did good, you had fun. Just go tap your friend on the shoulder, point at the clock, and say, “Holy fuck have we really only been here for 10 minutes?”

Okay, I mean, we should at least wait an hour? Maybe half an hour.

Maybe that clock is wrong. Hey, does anyone know where Scott keeps his batteries? No? Your watch also says it’s only been 10 minutes. Cool.

Just going to use the restroom, nice little break in the restroom. Alone, quiet. Am I taking too long? Oh, someone is going to think I’m pooping. That’s natural though, that’s human, that’s what a bathroom is for. I’ll just go.

Or if I go right after leaving the bathroom will people think it’s because I have diarrhea? I don’t want that.

I’ll mingle for a minute. I want more of that cranberry goat cheese.

Oh, hey, I’m at the back of the room. I’ll just slowly say some hellos and move my way toward the door.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, yes. Ha ha.

Hi.

Uh huh.

Oh, yes, just stepping outside for a little fresh air and… hadsomuchfungoodbye.

Uber for Jeff please.

Success

You’ve made it home, you’re tucked into bed, and you had a very successful night of fucking off. You didn’t not have fun. You really enjoyed seeing all the people and that really cute dog, oh, he was so cute.

You do wonder what happened at the party after you left though. Did anyone miss you? Did anyone ask about you?

But you’ll never find out… what happens after 9:30pm.

You turn off your lamp, you pull the covers up to your chin, you close your eyes, and you ask yourself:

Did they hate me?