How Ghosts Actually Work

Jack, Robert, and Sean hooted with joy when they learned that their ghost-hunting show, "Haunted Lockdowns" was up for another award; they had already won three Emmies and some other less famous awards from the paranormal enthusiast communities. They were young stars and all owners, no longer renters, of nice tuxedos; they wore the tuxes enough to justify the high price tags. They were rockstars of the paranormal and Jack was the lead singer of this band. The women fell on them like rain and times were good.

They were in their third season and had, so far, dazzled audiences by staying overnight in places like that abandoned prison in Nevada, the old ghost towns in the desert southwest, an old Spanish fort in Texas, and that old insane asylum from upstate New York, and even Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C.

All of their episodes were jam-packed with action. They amazed their fans at Ford's theater with supposed electronic voice phenomena (EVP) evidence of Abraham Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth, and Mary Todd Lincoln. On the stage of the theater they got "time loop" voices that had John Wilkes Booth saying "Sic semper tyrannis! The South is avenged." It was what he said before he shot President Lincoln in the back of the head. The voice came in a crackling and distorted way--like a far away radio station--but it blew away the audience to hear this.

The team of ghost hunters had their style of banter--Robert held the camera and, in the night vision, we could see him wide-eyed saying "Oh my God! did that just happen?!" then Sean would say something like, "There's a scratch on your neck, bro!" "Dude! No Way!!" then Jack would scold them to stay calm and "Stand your ground, man!" Then Jack would be a "tough guy" and sort of taunt the spirits--he screamed, "President Lincoln! I want you to throw something!" and then Robert asked, "Mary Todd Lincoln, other than the assassination, what did you think of the play?!" And then they had an inaudible voice reply. This stupid question really pissed the actual ghosts off.

They went up to the balcony where Lincoln was shot also heard a time loop EVP of Mary Todd Lincoln scolding Abe for making too much noise unwrapping hard candies. On the "spirit box" she allegedly said, "honestly, Abe, can't you eat those quietly!" It was garbled because it swept through many radio frequencies quickly but clear enough. There was no reply from Abe but Mary was known for her moods so he probably thought it best to remain quiet. Jack made a face of astonishment and told the camera that he was seeing a spike in electromagnetic energy (on their EMF detectors) and feeling a cold spot (using no contact laser thermometers and infrared cameras). He told the camera that his skin felt "icy" because Mary Todd Lincoln was caressing his arm. The show's ratings skyrocketed!

The problem for the ghost community was that "Haunted Lockdowns" was total bullshit. They had bamboozled the American viewing public in much the same way spiritualists did in the nineteenth century with staged seances and trickery. Everyone wants to believe that they can chat with their long-dead friends and loved ones so the concept of ghosts has always been popular. It's a kind of wishful thinking taken to the extreme. Like the spiritualists and their bogus seances, Haunted Lockdowns used people to say things and broadcast things that the ghost hunting equipment will pick up; they were cheating. The actual ghosts were getting fed up with their frat boy antics, arrogance, and their bogus claims. The ghosts were correct to label these "ghost hunters" as charlatans, phonies, and sketchy carnival barkers--taking money from honest, hard-working, living people of T.V. land.

The ghosts were amorphous hazy shapes that had mostly forgotten who they were in life but one of the last things to go is our inherent sense of right and wrong. These spiritual entities were pissed off and they decided to do something about it. . . .

Robert had just come home from the Ford's Theater shoot. He needed to relax because the one authentic part of the show was that they really did stay up all night in creepy places.

Robert came home to his Las Vegas apartment on the strip and immediately set up his redwood hot tub for a relaxation session. He took some of his "chill pills" and poured a glass of expensive red wine. Little did he know that the ghosts from Washington, D.C. boarded his plane and came all the way back to Las Vegas with him. Abraham Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd were stone-faced in the limousine waiting for their chance to get even.

What Robert didn't know was that ghosts can focus on an individual and enter their dreams. Robert dosed off in the hot tub and the ghosts went to work. Mary went and, with great effort, spilled pills near the hot tub and poured two more bottles of wine onto Roberts delux beige carpeting.

Meanwhile, Abe Lincoln entered the dream of dozing Robert and introduced himself to Robert saying, "seven score and sixteen years ago, I got the back of my head blown off while watching a play. "All the world's a stage, don't you agree?" And with that Shakespearian reference (lost on Robert), Lincoln lifted his stove-pipe silk hat to show a gaping hole in the back of his head with chunks of flesh dribbling out and splashing on the floor.

Robert screamed, "NOOOO!!" and woke up with a start. He turned to see two bottle's worth of red wine on his expensive carpet and staggered out of the hot tub. He was about to call Jack and Sean but he got himself composed and got back in the hot tub. He laughed--imagine--Robert scared of a dream about ghosts. He was filthy rich so he could destroy carpets and buy new ones for fun. He dismissed the wine spillage as something he did--it was to him like a waking dream.

Robert chuckled and decided to play it cool. After all, he had a reputation to protect. He was a fearless ghost hunter--he can't be freaking out and calling people to see him in that state. But Mary Todd and Abe were not done yet. Mary Todd waited for Robert to doze off again and she pointed his expensive, shoulder mounted camera at the sleeping man in the hot tub. She then moved a fancy "lightning bolt" lamp near the tub. She turned the camera on and she and Abe got into to hot tub with Robert.

Mary Todd and Abe were invisible to the camera but they showed themselves to Robert. Mary Todd nudged him awake and Robert awoke to see two slightly blurry ghosts from the nineteenth century across from him. He flailed wildly and knocked the lightning bolt lamp into the hot tub. For Mary Todd and Abe, the electricity gave them even more energy but it fried poor Robert's heart.

To make things worse for Robert, he died and it was caught on film. His death looked accidental and very, very stupid. TMZ and other shows got hold of the footage of what looked like a drunken Robert shaking as the electricity went through him. There were no ghosts in the footage but some say that Robert haunts that apartment and really wants people to know that he did not die such an idiotic death--it was murder!

To the public and the police, it appeared to be just another arrogant celebrity getting too high on himself. They ruled it an accidental death and the police closed the book on it. Many haters waited a couple of weeks before making jokes about this death. Robert was able to learn of this humor at his expense and he burned with rage. He burned with rage but he was unable to do much about it. That was his hell.

Sean and Jack were devastated to lose their friend and colleague and the show ground to a halt. The ghosts have plans for the other two "ghost hunters" but they have yet to act on them. Many of the ghosts felt vindicated by the foolish appearance of Robert's death and have shunned him in the afterlife. Sean and Jack accepted their Emmy award and said they dedicated it to Robert--their comrade who had passed into the next realm.