How Do The Mountains Change?

They step out of the car onto crunching, clay-colored gravel. The temperature is cool this morning, but the summer sun will create a blistering heat soon – which is exactly why Nikki dragged her cranky daughter Alyssa out of bed. They walk toward the trail heads and Nikki chooses the longer loop with an annoyed eye roll and dramatic sigh from Alyssa. The loop will take them to Nikki’s favorite peak overlooking the valley.

“Isn’t it beautiful?!” Nikki exclaims.

“It looks the same as this entire town, Mom.” Alyssa hates that her mom decided to move here…of all places in this country, her mom had to pick basically the desert.

After finishing freshman year of college, Alyssa needed to go somewhere for summer break and there was no way she was staying with her dad. Her mom moved to Sedona, Arizona where every building, mountain, and road is the same clay-brown color, and nothing can “clash” with that color scheme, as per state ordinance, or so her mom says. They even made McDonald’s make their sign teal instead of yellow. At that point, she’s surprised they don’t make people wear only brown colored clothing too. She’d much rather be back home drinking on someone’s boat with all her other childhood friends. Instead of having wind-blown hair and salt-sprayed skin, she’s sweaty walking up a mountain of dried mud.

“That’s the point, Lyss. They don’t want man-made buildings to take away from the beauty of the landscape.”

Nikki picked this clay-molded town because it reminds her of absolutely nothing about her life with Jay, Alyssa’s father, and the past twenty years spent in Nantucket. Jay’s family wealth allowed them to have a privileged life with a beautiful waterfront home and memberships to country and yacht clubs. Nikki was mostly happy in her life, and they had a decent marriage, or so she thought. When Alyssa had started college last fall, Nikki had terrible empty-nester syndrome and felt horribly alone in her big house. It had begun affecting their marriage, as she and Jay were arguing more. Her friends suggested they try breaking from routine, so one afternoon she decided to surprise Jay at the office for a lunch outing. She thought it would be an easy first step into a new normal without Alyssa home. When she stepped out of her car in the parking garage of Jay’s office building, she spotted Jay with his tongue down his coworker’s throat while waiting for the elevator.

Not too long after that, divorce papers were filed because Nikki couldn’t stand the sight of him. Jay was going to be a father again, and, ever so chivalrously, he did not want the baby to grow up without a father. Jay and his new family moved closer to his new wife’s family in the Boston suburbs, but they kept the Nantucket house as a summer home. He told Alyssa he wanted to keep her childhood home, but promptly converted her room into a nursery. Jay treats that house as if all of their memories never existed…as if his wife and daughter are replaceable with newer, younger versions.

“Are we there yet?” Alyssa complains.

Nikki laughs a little because she’s suddenly reminded and reminiscent of when Alyssa was a little girl, and those words were one of her favorite phrases. She checks her watch. They’ve been walking for close to twenty minutes now, so the look-out should be close. She knows hiking isn’t Alyssa’s thing – before last year, it wasn’t Nikki’s favorite activity either. Since the divorce, she’s been broadening her horizons. Sedona is the complete opposite of her old life – gray skies, white boats, and knit sweaters exchanged for orange-brown peaks and valleys, dry heat, and dirty, rocky walks.

“I think so! It shouldn’t be too much further.”

Alyssa stops to tie her shoe and Nikki waits. She looks at her beautiful daughter – dark wavy hair like her own, but with Jay’s hazel-colored eyes and full lips. Everyone always said Alyssa was the perfect combination of her parents, and sometimes it hurts Nikki to see the attractive parts of her ex-husband in her daughter. Alyssa stands up and wipes sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand leaving a streak of dirt across her forehead. She sees her mom staring at her and puts her arms up to say “what?”. Nikki understands that Alyssa’s attitude is a manifestation of her grief and hurt. She knows Alyssa has been struggling with the adjustment, and even though she won’t admit it, feels just as lost and forgotten as Nikki feels. She walks over to Alyssa and wipes the dirt off her forehead.

“Thanks,” she mumbles. And they start walking again.

Moments like those remind Alyssa that her mom is the only one here for her now, the only one that understands what it feels like to be left behind. She feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere now. She wants to hate her dad for blowing up their lives, but she can’t. He’s a good dad – he still calls her, sends her money, and offers for her to come stay with them. She says no because she feels like it would be a betrayal to her mom. The decision to come here this summer was so difficult because all she wanted to do was go home, like every other normal college kid after their first year. She knew it wouldn’t feel the same, though, and that probably would have hurt even more. Part of her never wants to see her dad, or Nantucket, ever again, but the other part still wants her old life back.

After a short, steep, uphill climb, they finally reach the lookout. Nikki hears Alyssa draw a breath, which is exactly what she was hoping for. She did the same thing the first time she stood in front of this view. The sun has fully risen now and is painting the mountains in a golden glow. Patches of dark green foliage are scattered throughout the valley below and morning birdsong fills the air. The streaking blends of red and brown in the mountain clay are fully visible from up here.

“Wow,” Alyssa whispers.

“It looks different every time I come here. The landscape is constantly remodeled from wind, rain, and even people too,” Nikki explains. She wants Alyssa to see that there’s beauty outside of the Northeastern coast, and that there’s beauty in change.

“Did you learn that after you moved here?”

“Well, this specific spot, yes. But I studied geology and environmental sciences in college, so I already knew it was a thing.”

Alyssa looks at her mom, stunned. “You didn’t study..umm…management, or whatever your job is?”

“Kind of, but not really,” Nikki laughs in response. She sits on the dirt with her elbows on her knees, and Alyssa joins her. “I had dreamed of doing research to help people and companies be more environmentally friendly. Maybe even teach kids about recycling at community events or become a science teacher. But then I met your dad and fell in love. He was adamant on moving back to Massachusetts. When he proposed I said yes, and Massachusetts was a done deal. There was no job market for my degree there back then, so your dad pulled a few strings with some old friends, and I got a job working management at a law firm.” She pauses a moment, half-laughs, and a tear rolls down her cheek leaving a streak on her dust covered face. “I hated every second of that job. But now its all I know how to do. I gave up my dream for him. I willingly made his life my life. And then he tossed me aside, like a toddler that just got a new toy.”

Alyssa stares, jaw wide open, at her mom’s confession, and tears prick at the corners of her eyes. She has never heard her mom talk about her past like this, nor has she ever seen her mom cry over her dad. All this time she has only thought about how her dad made her feel, and she never considered her mom’s feelings. She can’t imagine building a life with someone, changing your dreams to be with that someone, and then they decide your sacrifices are not worthy any longer.

“That sucks, Mom.”

Nikki is snapped out of her memories and looks at her daughter’s big hazel eyes brimming with tears.

“Oh, Alyssa, I don’t regret any of it. If I didn’t make those choices, I wouldn’t have you! Your happiness and love became my dream.”

“I know that.” She replies teasingly with another dramatic eye roll and a half smile. “I meant about dad. I’m sorry for what he did to you.”

Nikki is taken aback by this uncharacteristic thoughtfulness. Her daughter is growing before her eyes.

“Yeah, me too. And I’m sorry for what he’s still doing to you. You deserve better than him, too.” She puts a hand on Alyssa’s arm and continues. “Lyss, I want you to remember to never change for someone else like I did, okay? Not for me, not for your father, and not for anyone else that comes into your life. If someone truly loves you, they will never ask you to give up your dream. They will help you achieve it.”

Alyssa lets out an embarrassed laugh and she starts to cry. She didn’t realize how badly she needed someone to say that to her. Nikki reaches out and they embrace for a long while. They watch the clouds cast shadows and play with the colors on the mountain between their tears. They cry for themselves, each other, and the lives they’re forced to leave behind.

After their tears have dried and their bottoms start to ache from sitting, they help each other to their feet. Nikki squeezes Alyssa’s shoulders and puts an arm around her shoulders as they start down the looping trail back to the car.

“Will you tell me more about how the mountains change, Mom?”

Nikki smiles brightly. “I would love to.”