Hood Houdini

Visualize...

Many people learn at a young age to become an escapist, someone who uses their mind, or body to escape the reality that surrounds them. Being able to imagine the world you want is like magic! I told myself, if I focused hard enough I could go anywhere, and be anything that I wanted. As a child I would stare into the blue skies that were on some days… cloudy, or rainy. Gazing dreamingly into the distance with a determined heart, an elevation of the mind far beyond my young years was being implemented… I am forever enlightened by that discovery.

The first day I realized I was capable of using my thoughts to escape, I had been confined to the room for something my little sister did to get us both on punishment. We’d been out playing with our neighbors; we went from dodge ball, to dancing, to playing school. It was hot as hell outside so you can just picture how delighted we were when their parents suggested they pull out the plastic pool, it was small but it always got the job done. My sister darted home to change into her bathing suite so fast that I hadn’t even got a chance to suggest to her, that we ask before getting in. My father was a fair yet, strict parent. There were rules that he expected us to abide by; such as asking permission for mostly everything, as well as answering him with a yes sir, or no sir.

I felt they were simple rules, my sister however didn’t always remember to follow them. No sooner did my sister come flying back into the yard did I see my father pulling into the driveway, she jumped into the pool landing on her butt and I knew her ass was grass. I thought I would be safe since I hadn’t gotten in. Wrong! My ass was grass too. My father called out for us, and I walked slowly to my doom. Brit (my little sister) climbed out of the pool and ran full force to hug our dad.

The deep seriousness of his voice when he spoke confirmed what I had already knew…Our asses were definitely GRASS! “

Who told you to put on your bathing suit and get in that pool?” He asked Brit.

I kept my eyes on the ground hoping to be left out of it. It was as if Brit didn’t realize when she was in trouble, she lived in her own happy bubble of bliss. The way she ran and hugged our dad with her soggy bathing suit, grinning from ear to ear you would’ve thought that she had full permission to be running around outside, participating in a soft pool party.

“Ashley”, my father said turning to me, unlike my baby sister I could feel the heat of trouble brewing from miles away, I lifted my head and attempted to get us out of it… per usual.

“Dad I tried to tell Brit but she got in too fast”

I knew that wouldn’t cut it but I wasn’t going down without trying to present my case. My father looked back and forth between Brittany and I, I swear I could have dragged her by her ponytail, she was still smiling!

Smiling is one of Brits defense mechanisms; she smiles and laughs when she is scared or in trouble, I know this to be true however, it is still annoying as hell when I am sweating bullets trying to clean up her mess.

My father continued… “Ash you are supposed to be the responsible one, and you know better! Yall didn’t ask”

“But I didn’t even”… I said trying to plea my case once more.

“I don’t want to hear it, go to yall room for the rest of the day, and don’t turn on that tv”

We stomped up the stairs shoulder to shoulder, and I made sure to nudge Brit so she’d know I was frustrated with her,

“Don’t talk to me either cause u always getting us in trouble!!”

I said before retreating to our room. There, is where I would sit in the window often to admire the beautiful scenery, the window sat just right of the far left corner of the room that I shared with my siblings, and it was the best window in the house, mostly because there was a clear view of the sun, moon, and stars. The house directly next door from us had long been demolished, now sat an empty dirt filled lot that housed the best view of the sky.

I often wondered how I got to a place of longing to get away; I remembered the VHS cassette tapes that we received in the mail when I was around 6 years old, infomercials of Disney World! I would watch those videos over and over until I could follow along word for word. When they showed clips of the parades and performances I’d close my eyes and pretend to be dancing along with the crowd that was gathered in front of the Magic Kingdom. When I opened my eyes I’d still be seated on the cold cement basement floor next to my brother, who was loudly clearing his throat and aggressively smacking his left ear to ease the irritation from his allergies.

“Go over there ugly dude!” I’d yell pissed that he had interrupted my daydreaming.

Sitting dazed out, knowing that I would be in confinement for the rest of the day always had an effect on my mental. Surely we’d been on punishment before, my father much rather that form of discipline over whooping’s. Not to get it misconstrued though, he had no problem with handing out whooping’s if the situation was serious enough. Those days on punishment helped to strengthen my brain, as well as forced me to be so imaginative that I would forget that I was in trouble because I would be so engulfed in pretend play or daydreaming.

On this particular day I focused my thoughts on Florida, since I already had a visual representation of what it looked like through the videos I use to watch it was easy for me to envision, I focused so intensely until I could smell the crisp southern air, and feel the subtle breeze brush gracefully across my shoulder, taking with it my satin spaghetti strap for a brief second. I imagined what the clouds looked like, they were much fluffier than the ones up north, like freshly picked cotton bundled together adoring the bright blue sky… and the sky looked to be a reflection of the ocean beautifully azure.

That day changed the way I would think forever, and taught me a valuable lesson; no matter where you are physically in the world, no matter what situation you are in… your mind is the only part of you that can always escape free.

Nothing last forever ...

We grew older, my brother, sister and I. The world around us started to shift, and we had no choice but to go with the flow of things. From the time I started to really practice my daydream escaping at 8yrs old, up until I turned 13 I had imagined an overwhelming number of things, I had been to Europe, and New York, I’d worked as an astronaut, been a robot, and an old granny. I began to bring my fantasies to life in order to alter my world! The one thing I wouldn’t of ever imagined happening… happened, and would be the most life altering and permanently scarring thing we’d ever endured. Our father suddenly passed away, he was all we had known, the person who raised us and taught us about life. After the passing of our dad, our brother ran away and Brittany and I were left to be raised by his fiancé.

So there we were seated at our father’s funeral, everything seemed to be smoking mirrors and moving in slow motion. I sat a few rows toward the back in hopes that no one would notice me, I didn’t want sympathy. I was angry. Furious in fact, I was the most upset with my father; I couldn’t believe he’d left us! I did not understand how a parent could leave their children regardless if it was involuntarily! I kept my eyes on my father’s stiff corpse lying in the off white casket and wondered to myself why I couldn’t cry? I was always crying, in fact I loved to cry. I was the reigning cry baby in our family; everyone knew it too but that day… Nothing!

Most the time I’d daydream about traveling, being in a serene peaceful place, being someone or something else. However, on the day of the funeral when I zoned out to escape the misery of my predicament I ended up outside on the curb, just feet away from the funeral home. This particular street was very busy because it was close to high way exits and entrances. Large semi-trucks trailed one another speedily, as I stood on the curb watching. I was thinking about running out in front of them, hoping to be hit so hard that the physical pain paralleled with what I was already feeling emotionally on the inside. The wind from the trucks swayed my small frame back and forth; I took a deep breath then sprinted into the street.

Nooooooooo… aggghhhh… Nooooooo

The loud cries of someone in the funeral home jolted me out of my daydream; they were closing the casket which signified a chapter of my life closing as well.

My little sister and I loathe staying with our father’s fiancé; we obsessively planned for the day that we could move out.

“I will move as soon as I’m 18 and you can move with me Brit”

Brittany eyes lit up with excitement, the anticipation showing on her face. We were seated in the small living of the two bedroom apartment. The living room actually doubled as our bedroom since we didn’t have a real room, one bedroom was for the misses and the other belonged to her daughter whom she referred to as the “princess”. Brit and I slept on the dingy pull out couch that was obviously on its last leg.

Shirley the fiancé left us home and said she would return with dinner; she and the princess had been gone for hours. Brit and I were starving, and tired of finding things to do to keep our minds occupied, t.v was our finale resort. We settled in on the off white, slightly stained, overly textured couch; which also doubled as a full size mattress in the evening, we were not paying much attention to the television until a pizza commercial came across the screen. My eyes glistened as I watched the steam rise from the hot slice of Italian pie. The cheese melted perfectly on top of the classic thin crust dough; under the pepperoni… our eyes were glued!

From the time the commercial played until the very end I was engrossed; in those moments of bliss, the world around me becomes a blur lingering in the back of my sub conscious mind. Before I knew it I was pulling a slice of pizza right out of the telly, effortlessly. No one said a thing, not the Caucasian women with the manicured nails holding the box of large pizza open invitingly, or my baby sister waiting patiently in the background for me to pass her a slice. We were the closest we’d been to fine dining in a while, and it felt damn good!

I jumped out of my awaken slumber when the door slammed, it was the self-proclaimed queen and the princess

“I grabbed you all some dinner” Shirley said as she tossed me a bag with, bologna, chips, and a loaf of bread inside.

“Dinner?” I repeated with my nose turned in the air while pulling out the contents of the plastic bag.

I got up to fix me and Brit a sandwich, bologna was better than nothing at all… However, cheese and mayo would’ve been appreciated.

Eighteen candles ...

The summer was in full swing, and it was a day before my 18th birthday, I didn’t have anything planned due to lack of funds. Shirley hadn’t even mentioned it which was fine, I was used to spending my birthdays with my friends from the neighborhood, since our father passed they became our new family.

“I’m sick of being broke” I expressed to Brit as we stood outside on the porch; Brit lifted her head high enough to look me in the eyes and said.

“What are we going to do? I have a few dollars to buy you a gift for your birthday. Would you rather have the money over a gift?”

I nodded my head yes, and Brit handed me the wrinkled $20 bill .

“Let’s catch the bus to Walmart Brit we can split the money”

The next morning I woke up in a bitter sweet mood, I was excited about turning 18 but I really was missing my dad. I laid in bed tossing around until I finally decided to get up and call Walmart about the application I had submitted, I didn’t have any birthday plans or money so I figured I would find something productive to do. I filled out countless applications within the last two weeks, to Walmart, a grocery store, foot locker, I even filled out for an internship at Disney World which I knew was a long shot especially since I had zero experience and I’m most certain that I answered a few of the questions wrong.

“Hello, hi may I speak with your hiring manager? My name is Ashley Jones and I am calling to check up on an application I submitted”

I heard the lady on the other end shuffle through some paper & tap her key board a few times before picking the phone back up

“Hello, Ms. Ashley, yes we have received your application and will contact you if we are interested in moving forward with the hiring process”

I thanked her and hung the phone up feeling defeated; today would be no different than any other day. My birthday or not, there was still nothing special going to happen.

Brit was the only person to wish me a happy birthday and since she had already gave me money for my birthday the day before I didn’t receive any gifts on the day of. I laid in bed most of the day hoping to drift off into one of my fantasies… I never did, I was way too sad to daydream and instead I cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke feeling refreshed in spite of a sucky birthday. Rolling off the dingy sofa bed to go and get myself presentable for the day, I bumped into my sister in the hallway; we both had a silent mutual understanding that it was still too early to hold a full conversation. We opted for a head nod and the peace sign instead. I couldn’t help but think about my future in that mirror while brushing my teeth, mirrors were the first place I learned to be honest with the person looking into it. I told myself that day, fantasies, and drifting off day dreaming no longer served me any good, and that I should stay focused on the real world. I was 18 now, a woman who had promised her baby sister a better life. I hung my towel up after taking in a few deep breathes to help push me forward in my fight. I figured I would go fill out more apps, and check up on previous ones, then go hang with some friends since I pretty much dodged everyone the day before.

“Your day is what you make it Ash, peace and positivity” Is what I whispered before I left out the rest room.

I wanted to get off to a productive day so I sat at the computer to check my emails; thankfully setting up an email address was a requirement to graduate high school because I don’t think I would have had one otherwise. I typed in my credentials and waited for the page to load, a message appeared that read “no new messages” which was disappointing, I had been applying for jobs for weeks. Feeling hopeful I checked the junk mail… Nothing, I went on to the spam column and was blown away by the email introduction that was awaiting me.

The subject line read “Congratulations Ashley!!” The email was from Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida!! I had been accepted into their internship program and would be residing at one of their apartment complexes.

Tears filled my eyes as I could not believe it; I knew from then on that my fantasies had not been in vein, and that dreams do come true…