Here Without You

Standing at the edge of the ravine, looking out among the changing colors of the rocks that line the chasm in beautiful swirls. Some of them shimmer in the light of the setting sun behind you, remembering the glow of her eyes the last time you were here. The image is so clear, with the sunset dancing along the golden locks of her hair. You are looking up at her from being down on one knee. A ring is wedged tightly between your fingers as well as the question is between your lips. The weight of the world rests on your shoulders while you wait for what feels like an eternity for her to say, “Yes!”

Eventually, she does, and with a hand clasped over her face, she holds the other out to allow you to slip the ring ever so gently onto her finger. Happy tears begin to streak down her cheeks and you stand to wrap her up in your arms and swing her around. She giggles into the crook of your neck. You set her down and kiss her longingly while you take in both the scent of her perfume and the flavor of her lips. A bombardment of vanilla fills your lungs as the taste of strawberries dance along your tastebuds.

The reds in the sunset becomes that more vibrant as the memory fades along with the woman in front of you. Her blonde hair being the last to disappear through the gold rocks in the canyon walls, but her shadow lingers along the cliff’s floor with yours. You look down and see her reach out to hold your hand and can almost feel its warmth trace the length of your fingers before it races up your arm and settles in your heart. It melts the ice that has grown so thick and coated your soul in darkness. A streak of light breaks through as a new memory escapes from the cracks.

It is three months after the wedding and the two of you are enjoying a late honeymoon on the beach. You are sitting in a beach chair with a book opened in your lap, but you are not really reading it. Instead, you are watching her as she splashes in the distance, soaking up the final rays of the sun that is trying to set beyond the horizon, beyond the waves breaking against the edge of the beach. She was giggling then too as she came trotting back to you through the sand. You smiled all the while until you couldn’t.

Her knees buckle beneath her as she collapses. Both smiles are gone now as you race from your chair, your book forgotten in the sand. Her eyes are closed. You search frantically for someone to call 9-1-1, but the two of you were all alone on the beach. Your phone is resting in the center console of your truck but you do not want to leave her alone. The next thing you know, you are running through the sand with her scooped up in your arms. Her weight feels like nothing while your breath grows ragged and your heart pounds heavily in your chest. The hospital feels hours away while you fight to weave through evening traffic, hoping you will make it in time.

The colors of the sunset fades to grey as the sky fills with clouds and the sandy beach is replaced with vibrant green fields. Stone pillars jut out from the grass in evenly placed rows. Hers is in the middle of the fifth row of section ‘A’ beneath the shade of a pine tree. You have known how to navigate to it by heart since the day she was laid there. Her mother’s wails still rings in your ears, vibrating the drums. You still do not know what happened. Even the doctors were perturbed by the aneurism that racked her brain.

A thunderclap rolls through the clouds that have started to creep in from your left. It startles you back to the present. You look down and see her shadow again beside you. Your eyes search your peripherals in hopes that you will catch a glimpse of her without scaring away the ghost of her, to see her one last time before she is gone for good. You know you miss her dearly and would give anything to be with her again, but deep down you know that she is never coming back. You know that you wont get to be with her anymore. Yet still, you hope and you wonder what it will take to be able to. Especially as you stand there at the edge of the cliff, her ring in your hand, and the sudden urge to jump.