Her Face

It's always Clara this, Clara that. My father worshipped the ground she walked on ever since birth. We used to be close, like best friends. Then Clara’s drawings made it on the fridge with that pretty little magnet filled with diamond studs. All I wanted then was to get my drawings hung up on the fridge. Instead, my father would throw my art away. This one time I worked so hard on a picture for my dad. It was a drawing with my first ever 3D house and some shading. I was always the better artist between Clara and me. As he observed the drawing, he slowly started to raise his lip in disgust. He started to tear up my drawing in front of me as I cried and tossed it in the trash. I will never forget that day because not only had my father shown his true colors, but so did Audrey our maid. That same day Audrey pulled the pieces out of the trash and taped them back together. She pulled me into a hug as she said “I will cherish this drawing as long as it's held up on my fridge with a magnet that has diamond studs and glitter.” Audrey has always been good to me. She has always shown me love when I needed it most. I have never known a mother’s love before. My mother died during childbirth. She had given birth to my sister first; I came out ten seconds later. About halfway out my mother’s heart started to fail. The doctors did all they could to save my mother, but she was not strong enough. “You killed your mother!” my dad always reminded me. Sometimes I wonder if only my sister had been born that day, would my mother have lived? Did I kill my mother? With no mother or father to guide me, all I had was Audrey. My sister could care less about me, she was always too busy being herself. I may have been better at drawing than Clara, but she was always naturally smarter than me. In fourth grade, I started paying the smartest kid in my class to do my homework. About time I got to middle school, my father figured out I was paying other students to do my homework. I don’t know how he found out, maybe my sister snitched on me. I came home that day and he stopped me at the front door to scold me. I thought maybe that was his way of loving me until he said “you cheated death like you cheated in school.” What did he mean by “cheated death?” was it me that was supposed to die that day instead of my mother? There was nothing worse my father could have said to me. My sister always just standing by doing nothing, saying nothing. She was worthless, she only cared for herself. He would never treat her like that. How could he love her more than me? We look the same. She had father’s love and did not need to earn it like I did. As tears ran down my face I looked over at Audrey. She had a look in her eyes that I had never seen before. Was Audrey angry? I only ever saw her happy. She rubbed my shoulder as I walked by crying. That is the day Audrey grew a backbone and stuck up for me. Eavesdropping I heard her tell my father “You ought to show some love to that girl, it would make all the difference in the world. Why do you think she does the things she does? She wants your attention.” my father replied, “I don’t pay you for your advice. I pay you to clean my house, so get to it.” How could I be so easy to write off?

In my eighth-grade year, I had found two girls that considered me a friend. It was hard to keep a friend around. My ex-best friend told me I was the problem. She was jealous of me; I had money, I was prettier than her, I was simply better all around. With my new friends Alyssa and Tiana, I can ask them to do anything for me and they will do it. I took them under my wing, they were outcasts. I was doing them a favor by offering my friendship. Alyssa was known for being a slut because she wasn’t a virgin like the rest of us. Rumor was she’s had sex with four high school boys. You knew it was true because it was written all over the girl's bathroom stalls. I found her sitting alone in the lunchroom one day. I approached her and told her she would be my friend and in exchange, I would fix her reputation. Anything that came out my mouth people believed, so I was sure it was an easy fix. Tiana’s situation wasn’t any better. Kids made fun of her because she came to school with dirty clothes that smelled as if she smoked twelve packs a day. I found her in the girl's bathroom crying and pitted her. I offered to be her friend because she can be a new project for me. She had no choice but to be my friend; She had no friends. That same day I took her on a shopping spree for some new clothes. She couldn’t stop thanking me, she praised me and I was not complaining. I was prettier than the two girls, they complimented my looks being next to me. My sister on the other hand never had any friends. All she did was lurk in the corner of rooms with her face in a book. She was so lame! Everyone knew me, I was the popular twin. I came to school with the newest clothing and technology. The student body envied and adored me. When I moved up to high school, people already knew my name, and teachers were warned about me. It did not take long for the entire high school to love me. I had great parties to kick off each year. Each one was better than the last. Homecoming weekend is coming, I must top last year's party. Last year Audrey had to hurry and help me get the house together before dad came home. My sister being lame stayed in her room all night probably writing in her diary. The party got out of hand and police were called. I had to have Audrey act like my angry mother to get rid of the police. The party was still a success. This was our last year of high school, so this one had to be the best. My sister and father were leaving for homecoming weekend. Like many trips before he was rewarding her for something, she did right.... again. That only met she wouldn’t be a drag on my party.

I had to get an outfit for the party, so I went to the mall with Alyssa and Tiana. Tiana didn’t have money so I offered her an old outfit I had in the back of my closet. Alyssa had until I found an outfit to find one for herself. I don’t shop or wait for others. As always, the girls were waiting on me to find an outfit. After many clothing changes, I finally found an outfit that would catch everyone's eye. I head to checkout, ready to leave. While heading out of the mall, I heard the name “Clara” yelled out. Yuck! that god-awful name. Feeling a hand land on my shoulder I hear the name being said once more. I turn to see some girl with glasses that took up her face and braces to top it off. She had greasy hair and a gap that showed before her teeth. She was smiling like she expected me to greet her a certain way. “Clara, hey what’s up?” that terrible name again, the sound of it makes me cringe. She thinks I am Clara. “Valerie is the name.” I reply. Her gapped smile turns into a confusing look. How could my sister have a friend she is so awkward and lame? “Clara is my twin sister.” I tell the girl. Who is this chick how could she have not known who I was? “I am so sorry, I just met Clara the other day in band class. She never mentioned having a twin sister. I’m new at Liberty high school, my name is BeBe.” Of course, a name to match her unorthodox look. I reply “You will never catch me in a band class like my sister. How unfortunate you met her first, I could have helped you.” Walking away leaving the girl standing there, thinking that I had already wasted enough time with that girl, I started to head home. There Audrey was putting up decorations for the party. She liked to defy my dad whenever she had the chance. Like helping me throw a raging party for senior year. Tiana had to find an outfit so I sent her to my room to find something. I always end up helping Audrey put decorations up. She is so funny; she gets me to laugh even when I am mad. I do not mind helping her do things. She always tells me she doesn’t need help, but I want to help. She is the only person I can stand to be around. While helping with the decorations I thought back to the girl at the mall. Clara having a friend? What else could she be hiding about her pathetic life? When Audrey was not looking, I decided to sneak upstairs. I first walked past my room right next to the stairs. I peek in there to see Tiana still looking for an outfit. She will never look half as good as I did in those outfits, but I'm generous. Anything is better than her clothing. Walking to my sister’s room, I open the door. Of course, her room is just as bland as she is. She has no posters of boys or bands, and everything is neatly tucked away. She has a bookshelf, who puts a bookshelf in their room? They are only for decoration. After rummaging through her things for ten minutes I find her oh so precious diary “Jackpot!” as much as I hate reading, I'm going to enjoy this. I flip through a couple of pages talking about college. As my eyes roll, I find a name surrounded by hearts. “Logan Summers” who is this, a boy? Clara likes a boy, and here I am thinking she only keeps her eyes on books. Turns out she has her eyes on one of the basketball players. He is one of the starting players. He was always cute to me, but he became boring when I heard he was in band class. Naturally, that is where their paths crossed, I assume. I found the information I needed. Just before heading out, I look around and saw I made a mess. Not sure I can put everything back in its rightful place, but then again, I don't care. I will just have Audrey check it for me. Wanting to get a nap in before the party I head to my dad's room and lay in his bed.

Waking up to music playing I hear the party has started. It was time to get ready, a popular host is always fashionably late. Putting on my party rings and lashes it was time to enter the party. As I walk down the stairs, the smell of cheap cologne and perfume fills my nose. I can smell and see the effort my guest put into tonight's party. My house no longer cold, but filled with warmth. All eyes are on me just like I knew they would be. I shout out “I know I’m gorgeous, no need to say anything.” the crowd gives me a laugh. In the corner, I spot Logan Summers. Heading his way, the music was no longer ringing in my ears. I was filled with adrenaline. I was on a mission, and that was to get Logan Summers. I run my hand down his back to catch his attention. As he jumps, he turns around and at that moment we are face to face, my heels had given me some height.

“Oh, hey Valerie, great party!” His Versace cologne was all I smelled as I took in his gorgeous smile. He was wearing the good stuff, cute and smart.

“Logan Summers, here at my party. Isn't this a delightful surprise?” His appearance was a surprise. Almost like he knew my plan to get him in bed.

“Yeah, a couple of the boys talked me into it, I'm not really a party person.” He was not lying. He never goes out. I need to get him alone. There was no way I planned to scream over the music to talk to him.

“Well, I sure am lucky I spotted you.” I pulled him in closer to whisper in his ear. “Let's get a drink and head to the balcony. The view is great, you will love it.”

“Oh, okay cool, sounds great. Let me just tell my boys.” Without hesitation, we move in sync towards the stairs. Logan’s boys were looking as I grabbed his hand and led him to the balcony giving him the thumbs up and bowing because he had scored some time with me. Logan and I spent the better part of last night on the balcony. He was a gentleman. We talked about college, and where he wanted to go. I even had a conversation about band with him. I had to make it look convincing if I were to get him in my bed. I'm meeting him again tonight, this time there will be no party. My father and Clara were still out on their trip, and Audrey is off tonight. It will just be the two of us. For once in my life, I will get something that my sister wants. I feel like I'm on top of the world. Before leaving Audrey made me dinner. Which was perfect, I can tell Logan I made it for him. I always heard a man likes a woman that can cook. With my good looks and tasty food, there is no way he will deny me. Normally I'm not so easy to get, but I had to jump on this chance. To get something before Clara did. (ding dong!) that’s the doorbell, Logan is here. I had my best dress on for him, it was cute with spaghetti straps and a deep v neckline, and it had easy access. I answer the door and see Logan standing tall with his cute smile. Hair so soft I wanted to run my hands through it. Maybe I could date someone like him. He was a nice boy; you cannot go wrong with a nice boy. We head to the kitchen where there is a romantic setup for two. “Make yourself at home,” I tell him. Ready to serve the food, I open the oven to pull the food out. The smells of Audrey’s food fill the air with a heatwave that attacked my goosebumps. She had made my favorite, meatloaf, and mashed potatoes, with asparagus. Logan’s eyes grew wide as I placed his plate in front of him, ready to dig in. We sat and talked for a while. I felt the chemistry between the two of us. In no time his plate was empty, and he was complimenting me on my cooking skills. He talked of how the asparagus was perfectly cooked and seasoned. If only he knew I had my maid cook it. After cleaning up dinner we went to the living room to watch some TV. Logan started to show me video clips of his best plays during last season. He starts to go on about plays I have no clue about. How there will be scouts at this season's games. He was so cute talking about his interest. I think I could actually like him. He was the perfect guy to lose my virginity to. I leaned in to kiss his neck so that I can distract him. He knew what he was here for, and so did I. He pulled back as soon as my lips touched his neck. His face was filled with shock. Why would he be so shocked that I would want to kiss him? His cheeks turn rosy red with embarrassment. After what seemed like five minutes he speaks up.

“Listen Valerie it's not like that with you, I only came to your party hoping to see Clara. When she wasn’t there, I agreed to tonight hoping to see her this time.” I stare in frustration and confusion.

“Valerie are you okay? Earth to Valerie.”

The confusion turned to anger; the anger had turned black inside of me. A rage I have never felt before. I am used to my father always choosing her, but a boy. A cute one at that. I am the better half, and Logan does not want me. What is so special about that dull girl with the awful name? All the rage inside of me explodes.

“Clara this, Clara that! What is so special about her? We look the same! why don’t you want me?” I was clearly the better twin.

“Listen Valerie you are a great girl you just aren't Clara. I like Clara. Ever since I first saw her in band class.” Again, Clara was first like always. She is always first.

“Get out! And don’t ever speak to me again.”

“I'm sorr-”

“Get out! I can't believe I wasted my time on you. Many boys would kill to be with me.”

Logan runs out of the house barely closing the front door behind him. Clara, Clara, Clara! An awful name for an awful girl. I could not stop myself from crying. These tears were different. They were tears filled with years of hatred for Clara, and my father. Tomorrow they were returning from their trip. I was never good enough to join them. I was never good enough for him.

The next morning, I walked into the kitchen there I saw Audrey cooking breakfast, eggs, and bacon like usual, my dad's favorite. Clara sitting at the island. There she was with her stupid little face. I never talked to my sister, but in a condescending voice, I asked her how her trip was? She looked up from her food, and replied in a hushed voice “it was good.” Look at her rubbing it in, that she went on a trip with dad. I still had the anger from last night boiling inside of me, it had become a part of me like a vital organ. I wanted to kill her, I hated her. Who did she think she was? I couldn’t hold in my rage any longer. With my whole body, I screamed “I hate you, Clara!” Audrey and Clara stopped what they were doing and turned to me in surprise. Before now I had never expressed my feelings towards my sister. Clara stared at me like she wasn’t surprised, more like she was relieved. Like all her questions had been answered. Audrey gave me a look like she had known what I said was true this whole time. My rage continued to push through me like a tidal wave. When did I get these knives in my hands? My blind rage had become me, had taken control. My true form of jealousy and rage was seeping through my pores. I was no longer in control of my body.

“We look the same, yet you always get the love of dad, the attention of Logan, the innocent role, the perfect grades, you are even skilled in a musical category. Leave it to you to up show me. We look the same but we are so different. I can pretend to be you, but that is not enough. Doesn’t matter if we look the same. I still get treated like we don’t look alike. I will always be second to you. That’s it! maybe if I had your nose or your eyes. Maybe then they will love me as they love you. I need your face now Clara, give it here!”

With the rage that led me to grab the knives, I chased after her like my life depended on it. like I was so close to getting the love of my father, my daddy. She was so far yet so close. My vision had turned into a tunnel. Suddenly my vision was gone, I felt the rage drain from my body. I no longer heard the screams of my sister in fear. Audrey had grown mute as well. This was a new feeling I felt. It was cold, dark, and I was alone for the first time in my life. Audrey wasn’t there to back me up this time around. These tears were tears of loneliness at its lowest stage. Was this rock bottom?

A deafening silence spread throughout the house. The silence had taken up residence on those hardwood floors and white walls. The windows were open, but the silence could not escape. The house had finally leaked all the hidden secrets it held for the family. As Valerie chased Clara, she missed a step heading down the hallway. Tripping the knives collided inside her head. Her rage was no longer painted on the walls. Her many failed attempts trying to earn her father's love stained the walls like cigarette smoke. She laid there on the floor quiet for the first time in her life. The silence was broken with high shrieking cries that fell from Audrey's mouth as she ran to Valerie and held her dearly. Valerie was like a daughter to her. She had watched her grow up into the beautiful woman that she was. Audrey still had Valerie’s drawing hanging on her fridge with that magnet that had diamond studs and glitter on it. A familiar voice speaks up, “she was always the shadow self. I didn’t believe the woman at first when she told us we were having twins. I thought she was crazy when she told Marissa and me that the second child would bring chaos. I was the happiest dad on the planet to be blessed with two beautiful babies until Marissa died giving birth to Valerie. I could not stand to look at that child after that, she took the love of my life from me. This a fitting end for an awful person. She murdered her mother and she never mattered to me.” Audrey could not hold back what she had to say and she wasn’t going to try. “She mattered to me; she was a sweet little girl. You turned her into what she was. You made her out as the monster and that is what she became. Valerie just wanted your love, she died trying to earn your love! May the Lord forgive her for her sins and bless her sweet soul.” Audrey continued to cry over Valerie as if she were her own.

Clara

The sound of the knives cutting into my sister was a sound I never wanted to hear. I loved her; we used to be best friends. Dad always treated me special and I hated it. I have never heard him tell Valerie that he loved her. I wanted her to get treated the same way I did. I was always too shy to speak up. Tears started to flow uncontrollably. A hysterical crying sound slipped through my lips as I dropped to my knees. My sister was dead and my father didn’t care. He was the monster here. I would have wanted the love of Audrey over his empty love. Valerie had the chance to feel the love of a mother. I was always jealous of their relationship. The way she always stood up for her when dad would bully Valerie. Valerie was popular; everyone knew her. I was just second best to her when we were at school. It was always Valerie this, Valerie that. All I did was stand in her shadow. I envied her. We looked the same, yet we were so different.