Helpless

All Jaden could look at was his knee bouncing up and down with a liveliness that would have tired a five-year-old on a sugar-high. His hand was gripping his thigh, but if he was doing so with any intent on stopping the shaking, it was a useless exercise.

“You all might have heard before when it gets to this stage in the competition not to think about the consequences of winning or losing,” Freddy was saying, his voice somehow choosing this moment to penetrate Jaden’s consciousness.

The involuntary puff of air that rushed over Jaden’s jumping leg was enough to demonstrate the fact that he was now both listening and definitely thinking about the consequences.

“But I don’t want you to do that tonight.”

Of course Jaden knew Freddy was talking to the whole team. The problem was that it just didn’t feel like that; it felt like the coach’s words were being directed to him alone, and he couldn’t help justifying himself.

“Neither do I,” he retorted (luckily in his head), “but simply not wanting to hasn’t been quite enough recently.”

With those words echoing in his mind, the roar of the crowd sounded more like a war challenge than a welcome cheer as he ran onto the court. He was invisible to them – or, at the very least, invisible to their delight. A quick sweep of smiling faces apparently directed at every other player bar him translated into a swarm of scowling adversaries.

“When you go out onto that court, I want you to think of it as a battlefield.” That’s what Freddy had said, after all, so he was following the coach’s advice in some sense. Although, he had to admit that the thought might have been a little better placed if he had taken a look at the opposing team rather than the crowd.

It was just hard because it was so much easier to gaze at those crazed strangers than the rival players who actually posed a threat. A single glance in their direction was enough for Jaden until he realised that even they were much preferable to coming face to face with his own teammates. They were doing so well at masking their disappointment at having to rely on him throughout the game, though he couldn’t deny that the masks were slightly better than the honest nod of encouragement Freddy was sure to give if he dared to look back at him.

Eventually, Jaden found that his feet were the best way to go. Looking too long at the crowd was dangerous in itself, he remembered, for nothing would be worse than locking gazes with Bec’s cheery stare of hope. It was bad enough just knowing she was out there somewhere, already drilling her eyes into his head and willing him to find her in return. No, his feet were good. His feet were safe. His feet were silent.

Unfortunately, his feet hadn’t been trained to tell him where the ball was or what the rest of the players were doing once the game started. That job was left to the rest of his body who really did the best they could considering he denied them the aid of his eyes. His arm, for example, informed him that the ball had been thrown to him. By then, it was too late for him to catch it, of course, but at least he tried to run after it, giving his chest the opportunity to let him know that he had charged straight into the opposing player who had snatched up the ball meant for him.

“Jaden!” he screamed at himself, hanging his head lower still as the play reset thanks to his obstruction. “You moron! Just f*ing play the game!” He chanced a quick look up at the flashing red numbers on the side wall to see five minutes remaining in the quarter. A wave of panic pushed his heart down to his stomach where it’s heavy beat was magnified throughout his frozen body.

“You’re not just fighting to stay in the competition,” Freddy’s words blared over the frantic thumping. “You’re not even fighting just to win – you’re fighting to stay alive!”

Jaden was certain Bec hadn’t been in the change rooms speaking alongside Freddy earlier, but her voice had just joined with his all the same, and he managed to take a breath.

“Look at the ball, Jaden,” he panted up at the hazy red numbers. “That’s all you have to do. Just look at the ball. Look at the ball, look at the ball.”

“Sullivan!” cried a voice, at last tearing his eyes away from the clock in time to see the ball half an inch from his face before crashing into his forehead a split second later.

He didn’t want to get up from where he lay, face down on the ground. People shouted, whistles blew, and feet slowed to a halt, but the only thought running through his mind was the wish that the floor would suddenly open up and swallow him whole. His team would appreciate his disappearance; they would do much better without him anywhere near the court. Freddy would at least be sad to see him go but would know it was for the best. If only Bec could forget him the moment he was gone. Poor Bec – how humiliated she must feel right now seeing him like this. At least little Isaac was too young to be watching in his mother’s arms, but Bec… poor Bec!

A hand dropped in front of his vision, drawing his gaze all the way up the arm to see Dan giving just the sort of heartening smile one would expect from a captain. It gave Jaden more pain than the impact from the ball he could still feel burning his skin, yet he had no choice but to accept the gracious gesture and let himself be lifted to his feet.

“Two minutes to go, Sul,” Dan said, patting Jaden on the back. “We’ve got this.” And after a nod that churned Jaden’s stomach as he returned it, the whistle blew again for the game to resume.

“Look at the ball, Jaden,” he repeated in a whisper, then squeezed his fists tight at the sight of the fateful globe spinning in Lano’s hands.

At the shrill of the whistle it darted into action, throwing Jaden’s pupils up and down as they tracked each bounce that carried the ball halfway down the court, then moving his whole head to the side as it was tossed into Tray’s sturdy grasp. Now intentionally unaware of his feet, Jaden suddenly found himself level with Tray, apparently having run up there in his newfound pursuit of the ball.

He froze. “I said look at the ball, not follow it,” he berated himself, but there was no time to respond, for the the ball was being tossed straight to him. “Bad,” was his first thought. “Not good,” was the next. “What do? What do? What do!”

It was no good looking to anyone else for advice. They were merely a blur of moving faces and muffled voices. He flicked his attention back to the ball burning his fingers and raised it to the level of his eyes, suddenly bringing the basket into his vision. “The ball goes in there,” Jaden murmured, and made his decision.

The first bounce pounded louder than his heartbeat, the second shattered the barrier stifling the noise around him. The sound of the third bounce was lost beneath the blaring of the siren marking the end of the first quarter.

In a flash, Jaden sprang back on the ball, lifting it above his head and hurling it towards the basket where it teetered on the rim before toppling back down over the outer edge and crashing onto the ground along with Jaden’s spirits.

He was the last to leave the court, and only just managed to force himself down on the bench instead of walking straight out of the stadium where his heart had already fled.

“That was a close one, Sul,” Woody remarked, slapping Jaden’s knee as he passed by to grab a drink.

Jaden winced.

“A close one means the next’ll be a winner!”

“Mm. Yep.”

Lano decided he wanted to join in and added his own comment midway between squeezing water over his hair. “I reckon you’ve got another three in you tonight, Jadey boy! Now you know what the ball is, we won’t be able to stop you.”

Jaden didn’t even try to fake a laugh. “I wish,” he sighed, and stood up to end the discussion, finding his way over to Dan instead. “I’m gonna sit off for the next quarter.” Then, he turned to find a seat away from everyone else only to be stopped a second time by Dan’s hand, this time grabbing onto his arm.

“What’s going on, Sul?” came the dreaded question, sending Jaden’s head rolling back past his shoulders before he could stop it.

His eyes darted from the top row of the crowd to his teammates, to an empty chair several metres away from them in the short space of time it took him not to think of an answer. He moaned. “Just… distracted. I guess.”

“Jaden—”

“What?” Finally, he snapped his head back to face Dan. “I’m fine.”

“Hey.” The hand moved from Jaden’s arm to his shoulder now, only being allowed to do so because Jaden didn’t have the energy to shove it off. “At the end of the day, it’s just a game, alright? Nobody hates you. But if you want to go back on that court, make it matter. We’re in this together, and if you need something, you’ve gotta let us know.”

A groan was swallowed as Jaden tried to divert Dan’s attention from him shrugging the captain’s hand off his shoulder by nodding fervently. “Yeah,” he said, taking his first step backwards towards the empty chair. “Yeah, yeah. Of course. I know. Sorry, I… I’ll be good for the next quarter.” He chanced a quick peak over his shoulder to see if he was close to the chair yet – he wasn’t, but it would have to do – then swung back to give Dan one last moment of his attention. “We’ve got this.” Luckily, his back didn’t have eyes to see the captain’s sorry shake of the head; it was much easier to ignore when he couldn’t see it.

If only he could have applied the same tactic to the next quarter. Sitting on the sideline facing the court was not the best position to easily turn his back on the game, and it didn’t take long to regret his decision of wanting to sit off.

Lano missed a pass and Jaden gritted his teeth. The ball was coming straight for him! How could he miss it? Yet upon watching his teammate shake his head at himself for a brief second, a wave of relief sank Jaden’s heart a little lower in his chest. At least, he wasn’t the only one to miss a pass now. The feeling grew heavier seeing Karell unsuccessfully block the opposing team’s shot. Certainly, Jaden sighed and slapped his knee in frustration at the rival goal, but there was no use pretending to himself that he didn’t feel validated at Karell’s failure. Perhaps, he wasn’t so bad, after all. Everyone else seemed to be making the same errors, and somehow that meant there was still hope for him.

He leant forward in his seat now, a smile almost flickering on the corners of his lips. Yes, he had definitely been overreacting earlier. Freddy could hardly single him out when the rest of the team were doing no better. He just hoped that Bec was paying as much attention to the others’ mistakes as she would have to his. His fingers scraped through his hair in an effort to keep himself from scanning the crowd in search for his wife, and he leant back again for the sole reason of needing to move as he felt her gaze on him.

“Eyes on the ball, Jaden.” There was that helpful piece of advice again. Well, it couldn’t hurt to follow it now, he supposed. No one expected him to touch the ball where he was.

Woody won the ball mid-bounce, taking it straight back the other way towards their basket, and causing Jaden to grip the edges of the chair to make sure he stayed sitting on it. Where did that come from? Woody had never been good at stealing, and he chose this game to suddenly show off? Oh, and of course, Lano would catch the ball with an adversary trying to intercept right beside him. Yep. Yep. Oh, yes, Lano, go right ahead and carry the ball half-way down the court on your own, why don’t you? It’s not like you have a team around you, or anything. Ah, he saw Dan. Of course, he bloody saw Dan popping out of the cluster of opponents just in time to catch the ball and give it straight to Tray to jump up and chuck it straight into the basket. Well. Done. “Well done, everyone.” Jaden’s palms were red after just two claps, but the burning sensation was invigorating, and he spread his arms wider in order to clap harder. “Really. Well done, team. You could only have done it without me.”

With each clap, more of Freddy’s words came back to him, provoking a maniacal chuckle to bubble up from his stomach. “You’re fighting to celebrate that life,” he remembered the coach saying, “so you can fight for it again.” Wise words. Only, it didn’t help when his own teammates were stealing that life away from him.

Karell, Jaden’s dirty little replacement, had also apparently been fired up by the previous set-up. The only difference turned out to be that he managed to reserve himself a role in it this time around. First, he intercepted a pass because, well, he just happened to be there at the right time. Then, he side-stepped two attempts of having the ball stolen – obviously because the two opponents who had tried to do so were incompetent – before bouncing it across to Tray who, once again, landed it straight into the basket despite the hands reaching out trying to thwart him.

This time, Jaden couldn’t keep his feet off the floor, jumping right up with the same expression as the most passionate rival fans. Yet, soon finding that he had nothing to protest except his own hurt pride, he had no choice but to bury his backside into the lowly plastic prison once more. “Freddy must be so happy with them right now,” he told himself with a pitiful smile, as though comforting his ego. “And Bec probably wishes she was married to one of them.”

There he stayed throughout the next quarter break also, stretching his arms half-heartedly whenever someone came close to looking at or speaking to him. Only Dan failed to heed his pathetic excuse for remaining undisturbed.

“Karell says he’s good to keep playing, but Woody’s knee is starting to play up again. Are you on yet or shall I send out the kid?”

It felt as though someone had just kindled a burning torch beneath his skin so quickly did the blood rush to Jaden’s face. The kid! What, that stuck-up, teenage brat who hadn’t yet played two professional games and had already scored more points than half the core team in the last two months? “Nah.” He did his best to stand up straight and puff out his chest. “Nah, I’m good. I’m on.”

Dan scrutinised his still reddening face for several agonising moments before nodding and slapping him on the shoulder. “Good man. We’ve missed you out there, Sul.”

“Mhm.” It was so hard not to roll his eyes at that piece of mockery. “See you out there.”

Dan grinned. “Can’t wait!” he chirped with his usual sickening enthusiasm. Jaden still found it hard to believe anyone could stand being so positive all the time. What did Dan have to be so happy about?

It was only when the whistle blew to restart the game that he thought he had figured out the riddle at last. He glanced over at Dan, the picture of focused eagerness. The man was reeking with enjoyment – and no wonder with a team who had just succeeded in a turnaround like the one the previous quarter. If Jaden had been performing as well as the others, he would have been just as happy. The fact was, though, that he hadn’t, and that meant he didn’t belong. That meant he was being tolerated. He had been given one last chance to prove himself before he was dropped to open up space for new talent. His team didn’t want him there, least of all Dan, so he decided to grant them their wishes. They would be happy that way.

Besides, Freddy had, more or less, said to do just that. “Let the thought of loss and death drive you on towards that goal, and I am telling you, you will not let yourselves down tonight.” Well, he might let himself down, but that was a risk he had to take if he didn’t want to let everyone else down.

He didn’t run off the court – that would be too obvious. He didn’t ignore the ball completely – that method had already been proven to fail. It was still necessary to run up and down the court with the others, tracking the ball and the opposing team like normal. The trick was simply to stay just far enough away from the play and just too close to the adversaries for the ball to be thrown to him. Two goals were scored in this way, and Jaden watched with bitter satisfaction as the rest of the team jumped for joy in each other’s arms.

So, his theory was correct. He must continue with his current method; he owed them that much, at least.

Or perhaps more.

Previously, he had been keeping himself out of the way, which was certainly beneficial, but not nearly as effective as keeping the opposing players out of the way. Surely, his team would spare him a little love for a favour such as that!

There was Lano bouncing the ball down the court, searching for a mate to throw to in a matter of seconds. Who was closest? Good, Tray was running up despite being shadowed by an opponent. “Not for long,” Jaden breathed, setting off across the court and curving behind Tray, not forgetting to apparently look up at the clock at the last second before knocking into Tray’s shadow the moment the ball reached his teammate’s hands. The whistle also blew in the same instant.

“What?” Jaden challenged before the referee even had time to draw breath after blowing the whistle. “What’s wrong, huh?”

“Obstruction,” the ref finally got in.

“It was an accident! I didn’t see him there!”

The ref just shook his head. “It’s obstruction, Sullivan. West’s penalty.”

He opened his mouth to make another retort when Tray grabbed his wrist, shaking him back to his senses.

“Hey. Forget about it. We’ll make up for it, alright?”

“Yeah. You might.” Jaden twisted his wrist out of Tray’s grasp. “Go on, hand the ball over, then.”

Three minutes later, he was in the same position after knocking the ball out of someone else’s hands before they passed to their shooter. Dan somehow weaselled his way into Jaden’s line of vision after that to give him the most encouraging warning signal he had ever seen. It was hard not to grimace, let alone drop his head to his feet again.

Not long after that, he ducked behind his own shadow when Karell was looking for someone to pass to, letting the ball be stolen and taken away for an enemy goal. The team did manage to get one more in, seconds before full-time, but Jaden had as little to do with that as he did in their celebrations on the court.

The full-time siren continued to wail in his ears all throughout the handshakes and post-game interviews – not that he was involved in any of those. Teammate, opponent, assistant, camera crew, reporter, fan, all lost their distinctions in his hazy search for refuge as he milled about in the sea of people that had surged onto the court at the call of that blaring alarm. He needed to escape. And quickly. But where? How? He was a lonely piece of driftwood being tossed about on the waves. Soon, he would become too water-logged and sink. “Eyes on the ball?” Nope, that wouldn’t help him now. His eyes dropped back down to his feet. What a great support they had been.

“Jaden?”

A pang of sympathy scraped his heart for whoever was unfortunate enough to want to call out to him.

“Jaden.”

His head jerked up before he could stop himself, almost flinching a second time when he saw who it was in front of him.

“Hey.”

He knew that husky voice, and that soft hand closing over his to keep him from backing away. “Great game, huh,” he grunted, plucking up just enough courage to flick his eyes to meet Bec’s for a second. She was wearing that warm, half-smile he had seen so often in the last few weeks.

“Brain playing tricks on you again?”

Jaden snorted, and accidentally found himself looking up at her again. “Something like that. I hope he only just woke up,” he added, nodding down to Isaac propped up on Bec’s arm with an irritatingly large grin flashing on and off his chubby face.

“No, he didn’t sleep at all, actually. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you.”

“Perfect,” Jaden sighed, snuffing out Bec’s laugh as soon as it sprang up.

“Jay, baby,” Bec tried, reaching out to him again. “Please, don’t—”

“Jadey boy!”

Jaden was suddenly flung forward to his wife’s face after a hand came slamming into his back and clasping onto his shoulder.

“Hi, Lano,” said Bec when Jaden failed to make any greeting.

“How are you, Bec? You coming out with us tonight?”

“I’m on mum duty tonight, but Jay can go, won’t you, honey?”

Jaden shrugged. “Sure.”

That was his first post-game error – agreeing to an invitation he knew he wasn’t welcome to enjoy. The second was letting himself be dragged to the bar even after finding out that Freddy was coming too.

He drank, but not with the clink of glasses and song of cheer that the others accompanied their drinks with. It wasn’t for lack of trying that he didn’t join in their mirth. Once or twice, he raised his glass, too, and bared his teeth in the hopes of letting out a laugh. Yet his conscience seemed intent on disproving the claim that smiles are contagious, for it was whenever someone spared a moment to share their joy with him that he could not endure their gaze.

So, after an hour spent yearning for kind expressions that he rejected from his team members and avoided from Freddy, Jaden left.

By the time he got home, he was following his feet again, which led him straight into Isaac’s room. The soft darkness seemed to revive him a little.

Now, Isaac was sleeping. Soft little turtle snores caressing Jaden’s ears confirmed that, finally coaxing a genuine smile across his lips. “I love him,” Jaden murmured, “yet he hasn’t done a single thing for me.” Suddenly, he felt his eyes fill with tears and he dropped to his knees beside Isaac’s cot, drawing his son close to his chest. “I’m helpless too, Isaac. I’m helpless, too.”

That was where Bec found them sleeping an hour later – Isaac clutching his teddy and Jaden clutching Isaac. By then, the turtle snores were supported by crocodile ones, but Bec sighed in relief all the same.