Heart-Eyes, Supportive, Boomerang, Everything and Mildness

Mister Heart-Eyes,

My girlfriend came to visit one day during your stay. Or more like she was forced to. You closeted yourself upstairs while she did, so I don't think you knew. For what the days events consisted of, I don't think it'd make sense if you did. You'll understand what I mean in a bit.

Some of my close family called her in after hearing all the rumors and wanted to sit down to talk to her. She wasn't thrilled whatsoever, and when she walked through the door, she didn't even ask to see me. She plopped down in a seat and stated to get it over with by body language alone, while I silently listened in the other room.

"Are you still in love with your ex? Or do you love my nephew?"

That's what my relative asked. She didn't address the rumors. She didn't interrogate her into admitting she knew about what news was going around. She just stared her in the eye and said it bluntly, it couldn't have been any less direct.

I don't know what she was expecting to hear when she arrived at our house, but she was shocked to hear that question, and for a few seconds she stuttered. I couldn't see the look on her face from where I was, but I could bet it wasn't good. It probably gave away everything she was trying to hide.

She then cleared her voice. "My ex already moved on," she said. I've never seen her so hesitant. She's a bold kind of person. She gets what she wants. A bit of a spoiled brat, but at this moment she seemed vulnerable.

My aunt shook her head. I was in too much of a daze to realize that that wasn't the answer to her question, but she had a clear mind and she wanted proper answers.

"That's not what I asked," she replied to her, and then she repeated the question. "You see him everyday at school. You see my nephew once every two weeks and that's because your effort is nothing. Do you see what I'm getting at here?"

My girlfriend froze, shook her head ignorantly, and simply got up and left without answering. When I stepped out into the living room after she'd gone, absolutely baffled, my aunt was staring me back. She was clicking her tongue, and when it came from her, it made everything a much harder slap in the face.

She told me, "I know people expect you to help her, and I know you don't want to let them down because you're not worried about breaking her heart. You're worried about who you represent if you end it. Otherwise you'd have been done a long time ago. But I think it's time you start thinking about yourself."

It hit me when she said that. I knew she was right, so much that my muscles wouldn't even function. I sat there dumbfounded trying to figure out how to dig my way out of a relationship that was draining and toxic. I was in such deep thought that even the banging and clashing of pots and pans and the traffic in the kitchen as a few people prepared food didn't bother me at all.

Still, I didn't know what to do. I was too worried about pleasing everyone else, even in my love life that I couldn't worry about myself. Every choice somehow seemed wrong in it's own way, for the sole reason someone would come out disappointed.

Then at the worst timing you could possibly show up, you came galloping down the stairs, but what I didn't know was that you had an even more difficult subject in mind, at the time I was most confused and lost, and so very extremely emotionally stuck.

"I'm leaving today. I need to get back home," is what you started out with. It seemed out of the blue at first, but when I found out that was only the introduction to what you really wanted to say, it made sense. "But there's something you need to know first. I can't keep beating around the bush."

I looked emotionless. I know I did. In that minute, I forgot how to express emotion with all that was going on. I should be freaking out about what was coming, and on the inside I was a little bit. On the outside I was solid. I think it intimidated you. I know how hard it is to do something like this.

And yet you were brave. You said it anyway.

"I came to stay out here and spend time with you because I like you."

Have you ever felt and heard what it's like when a train passes by you a bit too close? There's wind gusts and loud noise that hurts your ears? That's what was going on in my brain.

Before I could process what was going on, I said the most regretful words I'd say in my entire life.

"I have a girlfriend."

I don't even know why I said it. I've been so torn I guess I didn't know what to say. I guess I started to believe I deserved to be torn, but it would've probably been best I told you I needed time to answer.

I should've done that, but I didn't.

I watched your face fall as you believed that every single bit of effort you spent on me was useless, and right at that moment I realized that it's highly likely I'll never see you again. That I ruined everything before it started.

But you gave me a quick glance, the most that you could manage then, nodded a couple times, and walked a couple strides to the door.

"I'll come back again to treat you to pay back the money you spent on me. As a friend."

And then you left.

I didn't believe you. I mean, why would I? You had no obligation to do such a thing. Not for someone who hurt you. So as much as I wanted to I tried not to expect.

I look back on that day a lot. I try to think sometimes that it was a good thing. Because of it, you went on to meet your girlfriend who cared for you so well and loved you so much. She's seriously the sweetest.

If I said yes, would I have been so emotionally distraught that I couldn't do the same? Would I have hurt you?

Maybe. It's not impossible right? It happens.

But deep down, I still regret letting you fly.

I don't think there's a universe out there where I don't.

I cherish you in every universe. Always.

-C.L

-

Mister Supportive,

Kudos to the mother who raised you. She must be proud, probably surpassing what I can imagine. It's evidence she taught you to love a person out of your whole heart, and out of that very love to give your person freedom and independence to spread their wings as an individual, and not only as your other half. I adore that.

When I cut my hair because I wanted to try something new, my girlfriend looked at me and scoffed, and then commanded me to grow it back out and to never cut it again.

When I bought lighter shades for my wardrobe, she told me that I didn't suit them, and that I had to wear darker shades to look good. I later found out that she only liked me in dark shades because she felt like nobody else would look at me and that it would keep me hidden, a very hypocritical action to take.

When I bought floral print, she told me that it was too girly for a man to wear, and that there's no way I could feel confident in such a disgrace, as if she measured based on her opinions how I felt confident.

When I got my hair curled, she told my to keep it straightened.

The list goes on.

But you never did such a thing. When I cut my hair, you made sure to tell me that I looked good in my new style. In fact, you fought to get a hold of me just so you could tell me that. You probably never realized how much a basic compliment can make somebody happy.

When I wore the lighter shades, you told me that I look beautiful, and that I'd stand out of every crowd because of it, and you supported that whole souled. You even took pictures of me, hyped me up and really helped me to feel good about myself and be proud of the person I am.

When I added the floral print to my outfits, you told me that the style looked good on me, and that I could pull off any style I wanted to wear. You said I looked good in anything.

Whether my hair was up or down, curly or straight, styled or not, you loved it exactly as it was. Never once did you treat me like a mannequin that you get to dress. You praised me for the choices I wanted to make regardless of what they were.

I thank you everyday for helping me to grow up. I was able to get out of my shell and find myself getting into new opportunities and realizing what I'm capable of. You never tried to stunt my growth, but you actually did just the opposite. You gave me a nudge whenever I needed it.

Thank you for pushing me to reach my full potential.

Thank you for helping me realize my worth.

You're the person everyone wants to have in their lifetime.

You're the person everyone needs.

-C.L

-

Mister Boomerang,

You did come back to visit me, even though I didn't think you would. You showed up on my doorstep one day pretty much out of the blue, requesting my time and only my time. Nothing else. You said you'd take care of everything and you lived up to what you promised.

Again, I don't understand why you chose to do this after what happened, and even though I might not deserve to had spent that extra time with you, I was so grateful we got to. It seemed you were a gift from God himself. This great miracle that let me smile when I couldn't otherwise.

I followed after your plans as you instructed, filling in every blank as we went along. I didn't ask. I just let you show me everything that you had planned, and it was delightful from start to finish. In fact, I was so excited that I forgot about the crash experience, and it seemed I forgot I was traumatized when I without hesitation got on that motorcycle as your passenger.

I guess I could only resent you for so long. I shouldn't even be surprised about that.

Behind you on that motorbike, I can still see everything clearly. It rained that day. It was the type of day that was sunny and bright, but that still had a downpour; the type of day that didn't feel real, or like we were in another world.

My arms were around your waist, and I can't lie and say that I hated that. I was thankful that even though it was for no other reason besides staying on and keeping balance, that I got to hold you, especially because if I were you, my every touch on you would burn badly, it'd irritate me so much.

I still don't forgive myself for declining you, and I don't think I ever will, but yet it seems it didn't take you any time to forgive me. How did you do that? How are you so naturally forgiving? Do you not copy the ways of the world that believe forgiveness means you're being taken advantage of? I know myself that's not true, and yet I've fallen into the trap myself too.

Forgiveness isn't usually my specialty.

Regardless of why you forgave me or not, it really felt like a miracle right before my eyes. That's no exaggeration. Looking back on it now, that's the most I ever got with you. I never had it in me to let myself hug you because I wanted to. I probably didn't have the right to, did I? But that moment right there -- I can recall it and pretend that I did, at least.

I can remember too that I had buried my head into your back to avoid the mist falling from the sky. It's a physical closeness I didn't get to have with you and that I cherished when I did.

The smell, especially. Your smell. After all, they say that that's what triggers memory the most, or near to if not, and that day you made it for certain that I wasn't forgetting you. That I'd think of you every night that I went to sleep.

I'd wonder what would have happened if I was the person you gave your hoodies to every night, and how I'd get to smell like you as it loosely held my body.

I'd wonder if the cologne I bought at the mall one day that reminded me so much of you was actually the one that you wore.

I'd wonder if we truly could've been.

I'd wonder what I missed out on.

But in that moment, I didn't think of any of that yet. I didn't know to have sleepless nights with such a thing on my mind. What I did know is that I wished we could continue the drive until the sun set and rose again, no matter how soaked we ended up

I wished we could hold each other on our own cloud, taking our own spot on top of the world.

I wished the world circled back around for us, where both timing and chemistry were at an all time high.

I wished we weren't a lost chance.

I wished we were written into the future.

But what was, is what is. Nothing changed.

-C.L

-

Mister Everything,

I find it's ironic how life works. How we can live majority of our life without knowing someone and be perfectly content, but once we meet and have that person taken away from us, our heart shatters. We can't just pick our lives back up from the time our lives didn't collide.

No. We ache like we've known them before the womb. We ache like they're not only blood, but the very blood that's running through our veins. We ache and ache and ache in a way that can't be overcome, but what you have to figure out how to live with.

I learned the hard way that simple strangers and strangers with memories are two extremely different things. I learned that being with and without someone can make for totally opposite peoples. I learned that it takes one soul and one soul only as long as it's the right one, to have every potential to make or break a person, purposely or accidentally.

Those are lessons that nobody no matter how sinful, deserves to learn. It's a pain that I would never in a million years wish upon anyone.

It sucks, and I realized that only after losing you way too soon.

What I guess I'm saying is, I really really don't want to live in a world without you in it. I might've used to, but that's only because I didn't know better. I didn't know you, and yet the moment I did, I don't care how close or distant we might live through our lives. Like many things I learned. I learned the you that you are, and from then on, I just wanted you to be on this spinning rock with me.

Because that's all we are, right? We're little critters making big deals about a little life and during that, I didn't think I needed anything else besides you. To be honest too, with the way things are going, I think I was right.

You can't un-love a person. You can't turn back. You can't act like someone never existed, so why does the world play around with me? Why does it act like I'm such a bad person because I asked for one thing? Was it that wrong to need you? Why does it feel like I'm being punished? Why do I feel so suffocated? So drowned? So up in flames? Why must I hurt like this?

Do you know how many days I went to sleep begging God to cut life from me? Do you know how badly I begged to die with you so I didn't have to suffer anymore? I'm not proud to say that, but it's true. My life completely crumbled when they buried you and you can't glue crumbs back together.

I've prayed every night all my life. I've thanked God for my blessings and I've praised him in every way that he deserves, but one event like this and my prayers aren't positive like they used to be.

I don't blame God for taking you away because I know that he's not to blame. I know that he's not who zapped life out of you. I know that that's not how it works. God is loving. He wouldn't do such a thing. We live in wickedness and in a wicked world, wicked things happen, but I do admit, I did ask him to allow me to wither once you did. I asked him to let Satan get to me and take my next breath away. To bury me too.

Several nights on repeat, like clockwork, I did that. Seriously, I don't believe I'm built to live without you. We don't have to talk everyday. I just have to know that you're okay, and now knowing that you're not even here -- what even is life anymore?

I'd rather die with you.

But look at me. The next morning I wake up and rather, must drag myself through another day without you.

Look at me, being forced to be strong when I don't want to be.

Look at me, too tired to be tired.

-C.L

-

Mister Mildness,

When you parked that motorcycle up against a tall building, and I found that the plans you've created for me out of nothing but the goodness of your heart, we've arrived to, I got off and my feet hit the floor again. I must say I was a little disappointed, not because I didn't like the effort -- I loved it actually, and I still do -- but because I felt the world on my shoulders once more.

That was bound to happen. I should've prepared myself for it better, but holding you, I felt you shared some of my burdens and you helped me hold them up without even having to try, but I guess nothing lasts forever, and I had to get up and look forward to what was coming next. I was glad I did. I'm glad I lived in the moment, especially seeing what's happened now.

You had me follow your lead into the great mall, and while I followed as precisely as possible every single one of your footsteps, I could see how every person in that place couldn't help but to turn your heads when they passed by. I told you that, but you told me that they were looking at me. That'd never be true in a million years. I saw their eyes. I know what really happened, but it was kind of you to say.

Out of the several stores, restaurants, and fun the mall had to offer, I wondered what it was you had in mind to kill time while we were side by side. Slowly, I grew impatient, but I didn't complain. I didn't want to waste a single moment that I couldn't repay. I needed to take the moment for what it was, and be thankful.

You guided me up several floors, a repetitive movement occurring as we continued walking higher up toward the top of the building, and finally we got there. From the windows, it looked like we were on top of the world together, and like we earned our spot on the very top. It was funny because right away I realized that if I had found this view on my own, I would automatically wish that you were with me to see it too.

People say that that's proof that you're in love, and thinking back, I like to say it was proof that you were in love with me too, because out of every gesture that could've been done --the chance to buy small gifts, the share of good food, or the laughs at the bustling arcade -- you chose to spend time admiring me, and admiring the view and I did the same right back at you.

When we could finally manage to peel our eyes away from the feeling of owning the entire island and having each other, you led me off once more deeper into the building, waiting in line for the cinema. That was the next thing you had planned.

I admired you some more, who was at the time, admiring the small things that life had to offer. I knew you were the type that was easily content when your face lit up at the options of snacks behind the counter.

And I became even more sure that I was missing out. I even said to God in my thoughts if I was letting the man of my dreams out of my sight. If I let my soulmate run away.

It's as if He answered me too, when you turned around and stared at me, somehow enamored with what you saw, -- you looked at me in a way I never looked at myself -- which you only let show for a quick second, and then you said, "don't worry. The day is only getting started. Today I'm going to make you happy."

Right then I was for sure I was letting myself lose a gem.

But I thought it was too late.

Was it too late?

Would you have accepted me after the pain I put you through?

Because you don't deserve to love a person who pains you. You deserved to be happy too, like you made me that day.

I wanted you to be happy.

-C.L