Head North

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“Adolf again with the dark colors, too much gray and black. Why not add color to your paintings?” said the art professor.

Adolf threw his brush down and looked up at the professor. His eyes teared up. He had been working on the assignment for the last fourteen hours. His stomach growled, and he was ready to fall over from exhaustion. “You told me to paint what I feel. To dig deep inside and let it flow out onto the canvas.”

He would turn twenty-three soon and was no closer to being accepted as a serious artist. Always the same criticism, the paintings were technically sufficient but flat and emotionless. Adolf was thinking seriously of giving up art and going into politics.

“Now, Now Adolf, you will get it eventually. Let joy into your life. You are a young man. You should smell the flowers, soak up the sunshine, and court a beautiful young girl. Let love into your heart, and the rest will follow.”

“I’m trying. Just yesterday, I invited Fraulein Bertha Hoganstuff to a dinner of sauerkraut and blutwurst. She spent the entire dinner shoving sausages into her mouth. And when I went to kiss her goodnight, her breath was like a butcher shop that had not been cleaned in days. It’s hard to paint posies after a night like that.”

The professor felt sorry for young Mr. Hitler. He was trying so hard to be accepted into the art community. But his gloomy outlook and fits of rage drove people away. Adolf needed a change of scenery. He needed to get away from Vienna.

“Adolf, your birthday is coming up. Twenty-third, I believe. Why not give yourself a gift? Take a cruise, do some traveling. You should visit America.”

“Yes, a sea voyage. I could paint the stars at night and the sea during the day. I bet I could even meet a fraulein who does not smell of sausage.”

“The Titanic is setting sail soon. You know she is unsinkable.”

“I shall do it. I’ll turn over a new leaf. I’ll embrace life and all it offers. From now on, I’ll only see the good in everyone and spread goodwill towards mankind. Thank you, professor. I’m off to book passage on the unsinkable Titanic.”

* * *

For the first time in years, Adolf felt at ease. He spent the first couple of days out on deck painting the ocean. It was a relief not to have anyone looking over his shoulder, telling him to add more color.

A robust Texan lady named Dolly noticed the peculiar little man painting his heart out. Dolly was a sucker for men with passion. She also liked the skinny little frantic type. They reminded her of her pet chihuahua.

“Say, partner, you’re quite a painter. That’s the third seascape I’ve seen you paint today.”

Adolf looked up and saw a woman at least twice his size looking over his shoulder at his painting. It annoyed him that she had broken his concentration, and he attempted to ignore her and continued painting.

“I think you might get bored painting the same old sea every day. Most artists I know like to do portraits, maybe even a few nudes. Now I’m not saying I’m going to pose for you nude. Goodness no. But if you sweet talk me a little, I might sit for a portrait.”

Adolf could feel his blood pressure rising. He had been happy painting the sea. And now, a rather large woman was telling him what to paint. His eyes glowed red with anger. He turned around and said, “I don’t have enough paint to create a picture of someone as large as you. I doubt there is that much paint on the ship. If you want to be painted, maybe you should wait until we dock and they repaint the hull.”

Now Dolly doesn’t mind a man with a bit of spunk, but this was downright rude. Her face grew red, and she said, “Why, you little squirt. I have bowel movements larger than you. I hope you’re not set on making it to America because I will knock you all the way back to your little European trash town.”

Dolly reached down and grabbed Adolf’s shirt, lifting him a good three inches off the deck. She took a handful of his paint and smeared it on his face. Then threw him in a trash bin and walked away.

Adolf stuck head-first in the trash bin, found himself strangely aroused. A porter, who had witnessed the incident, rushed over and helped Adolf out of the bin.

“What a woman,” Adolf said.

“That is Dolly Bootenell. The richest lady in all of Texas. Been married five times. All five died of heart attacks. The scuttlebutt is that it happened during passionate lovemaking. Best you stay away from her unless you want to be the sixth. But what a way to go. If you get my drift,” said the porter.

“I have never felt this much desire. It is consuming me. I must meet this woman. I will paint her. I will paint a nude of her. I will create the most beautiful nude of the most beautiful woman in the world. Where can I find this Dolly of Texas?”

“Ah, most likely at the buffet.”

***

The courtship between young Mr. Hitler and Ms. Bootenell of Texas began in earnest. At first, Dolly, still mad from the fat remark, showed little interest. But Adolf was persistent. He arranged to bump into her at the breakfast buffet, then at the bunch buffet, and once more at the lunch buffet. And when they both reached for the last piece of fried chicken, and Adolf stopped and motioned for her to take it, the anger faded away. They spent hours talking and laughing and taking long walks on the deck until they suddenly found outside Dolly’s stateroom.

“I guess we should say goodnight,” Dolly said.

“It’s been such a great day. I hate for it to end,” Adolf said.

“Well, you could come in,” Dolly said. As she grabbed Adolf and pulled him inside her stateroom.

The door closed behind them. And two and a half minutes later, Adolf came out smoking a cigarette, his hair disheveled. “What a woman,” he said.

***

On April 14th, 1912, Dolly agreed to pose nude for Adolf. They would do it that night on the deck when nobody was around. But Adolf wanted something dramatic in the background, a giant iceberg. So he paid the helmsman to head north into a patch of water known to have drifting ice. At first, the helmsman resisted, but Hitler pointed out that the Titanic was unsinkable.

When an iceberg came into view, Adolf had Dolly drop her robe and positioned her in front of it.

“Move a little to the left. You’re blocking the iceberg,” Adolf said.

“Watch it, you little puke. I’ll slap you around good,” Dolly said.

“Enough with the pillow talk. You’re getting me aroused, and I don’t have a spare two and a half minutes. I must paint you while the iceberg is still in view.”

“Ah, it seems to be getting pretty close. Should we tell the helmsman to turn?”

“Nein, remember the Titanic is unsinkable.”

The ship hit the iceberg and scraped down the entire length of the hull. Ice came flying onto the deck, and water flooded the lower compartments.

“Adolf, did we cause that?”

“We better be going. Quick, let’s get in one of the few lifeboats they have,” Adolf said.

“It’s women and children first. We must try to save as many people as possible. Help me round up the children.” Dolly said.

“Ah, sure, yeah, right. Tell you what. You head in that direction and find as many children as you can. I’ll go the other way and do the same.”

Adolf rushed to his stateroom. He searched for something that would make him look like a child. He put on a pair of lederhosen with knee-high socks. He shaved his mustache but, in his rush, left a small patch of hair under his nose.

***

Back on the bridge, the captain questioned the helmsman as to why he steered the ship into an icefield.

“So let me get this straight. A young man named Adolf Hitler ordered you to turn the ship north, and you obeyed him,” the captain said.

“There was something about him. You just obeyed his orders, no matter how ill-advised they seemed,” the helmsman said. “Besides, the ship is unsinkable.”

“Unsinkable, that’s just marketing. This ship is over forty thousand tons of iron. Of course, it can sink,” the captain said.

“Why did they advertise it that way.”

“What do you think they are going to say? ‘Almost unsinkable,’ ‘It probably won’t sink.’ Have you ever seen a restaurant advertise ‘The Tastiest burger in the world’? It’s never the tastiest burger. Sometimes the burger is downright awful.”

***

Meanwhile, Adolf was able to sneak onto a boat filled with children. As they were floating away from the ship, a little girl clutching a teddy bear stared at him.

“This boat is for women and children. You don’t look like a little boy,” the girl said.

“Of course, I am. My personal pronoun is junior. Now be quiet,” Hitler said.

“I saw you give that man money to sail north. This is all your fault.”

“Yeah, well, I could do a lot worse things. “

“You’re going to have to do something pretty awful to top this.”