Green Light Memories

Green lights. A green light means go. At least that is what we are taught.

I often wondered to myself why green means go and red stop. Why yellow was a sign to slow down. My thoughts drift as I look at the color wheel on the wall across from the bed in the room that I will no longer call mine.

I saw red as the need to move faster. Anger was shown in red. Red was shown in love. Those powerful emotions caused your heart to race. Caused your blood to boil. Caused moments to speed up, not slow down.

Green, green was calming. It was a vast forest. It was the jungle. Green meant things were balanced, and alive. Green makes your heart slow, steady and calm.

The color of her eyes was green. A swirling mixture of forest, jade, dartmouth and shamrock greeans swirling and expoding like a star being born. Eyes that could no longer see the colors surrounding us. Or knowing when to move because a green light means go.

Boston was the town that was supposed to be my home. At least for the next four years, maybe it would have been longer if I wanted to further my education and get a higher degree.

Syd had always thought that I was brilliant. I was sixteen, tall, slender with honey brown hair and ocean blue eyes. Yeah, I graduated three months ago but things happen. Being my rock. My big sister wanted me when no one else did. Five years was all that had separated us in age. I always had no doubt that she was the brilliant one. She was the person who could fix this broken world and she would have.

Pulling more clothing out of the dresser I pull out the welcome hoodie that she gave me. It was to the university she had been attending, that I would have been going to had things not happened. Had our light been red and his light been green instead.

It flashes through my mind again. The laughing. The off key singing. Green everywhere. Watching the light turning from red to green. Moving forward, the screeching of brakes. The smell of rubber from tires being scraped across the asphalt. The sound of metal and glass being torn apart, shattered. Then nothing except darkness and cold. Nothing but emptiness when a life is lost.

Wiping away the tears that will always come with the memory. I cannot escape what I cannot change. What I cannot change is trading my life for hers.

The suitcase is heavy. Not as heavy as the burden of my heart pressing against my soul.

Everyone's eyes are searching for answers. Searching for the reason why I lived and she died.

Our parents are gone now. Feelings that I should have about their reaction have long since been numb. The blame, disappointment, anger, resentment and pain. I should be consumed by everything that I lack in their eyes. Yet, the black hole that fills the part of me that should hold their love has long since been sucking all of what they feel about me into the void shooting it into the furthest reaches of space.

Our chosen family is sitting in front of me. I'm going to stay with Abby in New York first. Then Mia's in North Carolina. After Mia I will head over to Florida and stay with Michelle until I can figure out where I want to be. Who I need to be, since she no longer can be anything more than a memory.

"Ready to go?"

Nodding, we begin to file out. I have yet to speak since the sentencing. OUI vehicular homicide is what he was charged with. His sixth DUI in the last four years. He got the maximum sentence of fifteen years. Fifteen years for a life, it doesn't seem fair. Then again how do you know what punishment is best for the loss of a life?

When they asked if I had a statement I stood. I stood looking into those brown eyes with the lack of remorse for what he had done. Closing my eyes a single tear escaped.

"My sister's life. I can never have returned. In fifteen years you will have the chance to get yours back. Get sober and don't kill anyone else."

It took the judge a moment to speak. I think that everyone including myself was a little shocked that I called him a murderer. I could have been compassionate. I should have been kind. She would have been both. And I could never be able to be her.

I close my eyes as we begin to drive. Wrapping my arms around myself. When we pause for a moment I open my eyes to stare at the green light that took away the light in her green eyes.