Great King Rat

Once upon a time, there lived a fat bastard named Eric Cartman. Tired of his arch nemesis Kyle destroying his plans to take over the throne of England, Eric composed of a cunning plan to seize the throne for himself and get his mother out of the brothel. Never again would he ask the evil Jew for advice. He would carry out his plan, whether Kyle liked it or not. As he scoffed every chicken leg in sight, he called his servant Butters into his chamber.

“Butters! Come here and listen to my cunning plan!”

Butters tiptoed into his sight, shivering from the cold and almost immobilised by the heavy chains and balls ensnared upon him. “Yes, Sir Eric!”

“I have permanent proof that I am the true heir of England!”

“Well, that’s nice.”

“I, Eric Cartman am the son of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon!”

“I thought you were the son of a whore,” Butters said.

Engulfed in rage, Eric flipped the table over Butters as the poor boy became covered in bones and wood. “WHO TOLD YOU I WAS A SON OF A WHORE?”

“Kyle did. He also said you were always wanted by the law.”

Eric spat out a bone on the floor. “That Kyle! As soon as I am king, I will have him dangling over London Bridge by his balls!”

“You don’t mean that, do you?”

“I DO!” Eric clicked his fingers and his maids tidied up the room as if his outburst had never happened. “Have you ever known me to lie?”

Butters nodded. “Yes!”

Eric whipped out his tiny dagger and pressed the tip against Butter’s heart. “Butters, I have been your one true friend for all these years. Don’t do this to me.”

“No!”

“Thank you. Now the future of the Tudor dynasty depends on you, Butters! We can’t let any of those rich snobs take the throne that rightfully belongs to me!”

“Yes, Your Majesty!”

“Now, I will free you from these chains.”

“YAHOO! Thank you so much! I’ve never been so liberated since skinny dipping with the witches.”

“Butters! I want you to write a letter to His Majesty, and tell him that I am Prince Henry that was swapped at birth by Kyle! Henry VIII will take one look at me and say yes! This is my son!”

Butters did exactly as he was told. He sent it off to the king, but also kept a copy to himself. One summer morning Butters was visited by Kyle, Stan and headless Kenny.

“Guess what,” Butters said. “We’re gonna have a King Eric I!”

“What?” Stan said, puking.

“Oh boy here we go again!” Kyle rolled his eyes in disgust.

“Here is a letter I sent to the king!” Butters had a scroll in his hand.

Your Majesty,

I, Eric Cartman, declare myself to be the future King Eric I, also known as Eric The Big-Boned King. I am not the bastard son of a whore always wanted by the law. I am in fact your son that you had with your first wife. I was swapped at birth by Kyle. Kyle is actively trying to destroy the Tudor Monarchy and he needs to respect our authority. We are so alike. I inherited your artistic skills, your musical talent, your body and huge balls and penis. All your other children are irrelevant. So kill yourself and declare me your heir. Then, I will make sure the Tudor Dynasty rules the world!

Much love

Prince Eric

PS we should hang Kyle’s balls over the bridge of London

“We need to stop, Eric!” Kyle shouted.

“Eric can’t even rule his whores,” Kenny muffled. “How can he run a country?”

The letter reached The King’s hands. It made the court laugh. Eric was summoned to court only to be mocked by his so-called father.

“My boy, you have committed treason!”

“NO! Kyle committed treason!”

“I should execute you, but I think I shall have you hanging over London Bridge by your tesrtacles.”

Eric’s plans had once again been destroyed, and there was only one person responsible: Kyle. As the tears dripped down his face, his chained feet began to swell. His excess flesh dropped side to side as all that was holding up from a watery death was a tiny cock chained over London Bridge.

Eric vowed to bring a plague on Kyle, but all Kyle and his friends could do was watch and laugh.

Eric’s mother had become a tourist attraction. And every man in every tavern hummed the dangling Eric song.

Eric the big boned bastard had no dad

Son of a whore hated by law

Had a nasty plot in his pot

A claim to fame

But his logic was toxic

His moan to throne ended up

Dangling by his little cock

Ha ha