Grandma Millie's 80th Birthday of Calamities

Kimberly didn’t mind that Grandma Millie’s 80th birthday party would be held on a riverboat. It was her husband, Ronan that she worried about because of his tendency for extreme motion sickness, and boats were usually the worst offenders. However, he was dedicated to attending the party for the woman who had treated him lovingly like a grandson since his marriage to Kimberly nineteen years earlier. Everyone loved Grandma Millie. She was an inspirational woman who had lived a remarkable life, and her family and friends were coming together to celebrate her eighty years on earth in a monumental way. 

When Kimberly asked Grandma Millie what kind of party she wanted, she hadn’t expected her to say a river cruise aboard a vessel that resembled a colorful replica of steamboats from the 19th century. However, after Grandma had seen a TV commercial for the boat, she was convinced that it was the perfect place to hold her birthday party. If only Kimberly had understood the chill that raced up her spine presaged the night would be far from the joyous event she was planning for.

Kimberly wasn’t the only one planning Grandma’s party. Many family members were working together to organize it; however, Kimberly’s responsibilities included booking the boat, called The River Queen, which would be sailing the Manasquan River in central New Jersey. The party would be a three-hour cruise, with a dinner, an open bar, a reception honoring Grandma Millie, and dancing. Despite the multiple people involved, Kimberly felt it was her job to ensure the party was perfect. She loved to plan events, and she really wanted it to be special for Millie since no one knew how many more years she might be with them.  

Kimberly awoke on the morning of the party, grateful her two boys would be in school for part of the day so she could use that time to run last-minute errands without distraction. After dropping them off at school, she stopped by the home goods store for tin watering can centerpieces and then retrieved grandma’s maroon suit coat and skirt combo from the dry cleaners, without incident. However, when she stopped at the bridal shop to get Grandma Millie’s dress shoes which were being dyed to perfectly match the dress, she ran into a snag. The shoes were not the maroon color she had ordered, but were instead, bright red like a fire engine. 

With time ticking away, Kimberly explained the error to the manager, who after conducting an investigation, reappeared and apologized. It appeared that someone had simply reached for the wrong color of dye when applying it to her grandma’s shoes.  

The still apologetic shop owner gave Kimberly three possible solutions to the problem. Number one - she could give Kimberly a pair of undyed, white shoes in the same style and size as had been ordered. Number two - Kimberly could take the bright red shoes at a considerable discount. Number three - the shop could dye another pair of shoes in the correct color; however, the timing of the drying process would be problematic. If Kimberly chose option three, then she could pick up the newly dyed, damp shoes an hour before the cruise set sail. They would be dry by the time the cruise started, but Grandma would have to put on the shoes after she boarded, and Kimberly would need to apply a water-repellant spray to the dried shoes before they were worn. Kimberly looked at her watch. She still had one more stop to make and it was already time to pick up her boys from school. Still believing a perfect night was possible, she chose the added hassle to have the shoes dyed correctly to match the maroon suit, then she texted her grandma to explain the new plan and left the store. 

After picking up Ryland, age 5, and Jamison, age 8 from school, she drove to the party store. Kimberly was shopping for a simple tiara and sash that read “birthday girl”. Although the website said the item was in stock, she couldn’t find it in store. Her two options were a "humorous" black sash that stated, “Old as Dirt” or a pink, sparkly sash proclaiming the wearer a “Bodacious Birthday Babe”. She instantly ruled out the former sash, but as she weighed her odds against finding another more appropriate sash at another store, her boys began to argue. Jamison suddenly pushed his younger brother, Ryland into a plastic cup display. It fell over scattering dozens of individual plastic cups featuring various cartoon characters. Ryland began crying from his position on the floor while Jamison loudly proclaimed his innocence, and Kimberly looked at the mess before her and knew there wouldn’t be time to look anywhere else for a different sash.  

She calmed Ryland and enlisted both boys' assistance in collecting and restacking the cups into the display box, although expediency had her turning a blind eye when some of the Batman cups were stacked amongst the Trolls, and Minions were peppered in amongst the princess themed cups . Once done, she grabbed the sparkly sash and tiara and ushered her boys toward the checkout counter.  

Several people were waiting to check out ahead of Kimberly and as she and the boys waited, Ryland continued to occasionally sniffle, until he saw the Paw Patrol sticker book. He picked it up and began begging his mother to buy it. Kimberly instantly knew what would happen if she refused. His face was still slightly damp from the last cry and with his emotions so close to the surface, a tantrum would erupt immediately. On good days, she could handle his tantrums, but on stressful days such as this, she felt the prudent action would be to simply buy the book. Besides, now that she considered it, a sticker book might be a good distraction for her boys during the party that night.  

After dropping off Grandma’s dress suit at her home, Kimberly returned home later than she had planned and she rushed to get her hair and makeup done, as well as getting appropriately dressed. Despite their protestations, she got the boys into their dress clothing as well. Her husband arrived home from work just as she was finishing. He quickly changed into his suit and tie and the family left to drive to the bridal shop to pick up the newly dyed shoes. Kimberly knew she had made the right choice when she saw the damp shoes in a box, displaying the perfect shade of maroon. She held them carefully as her husband drove to the marina, knowing that Millie would look amazing in them. 

She felt excited as they drove into the parking lot for the river cruise, with still twenty minutes before departure. That was until her husband smashed his hands against the steering wheel and uttered an expletive. In the rush to leave the house, he had forgotten his motion sickness pills and there wasn’t time to retrieve them. Ronan opened the glovebox and grabbed the Dramamine motion sickness tablets they kept for emergencies and chewed a tablet. The over-the-counter medication wasn’t as effective as Ronan’s prescription pills, and it usually took about an hour for full effectiveness, but it was better than nothing. Fifteen minutes before sailing time, Kimberly, her family, and her party supplies were aboard the boat. She sighed with relief.  

The boat was beautifully decorated with greenery and flowers, which Grandma Millie loved, being a passionate gardener herself. Kimberly’s husband and sons left to explore the boat while she helped other family members with last-minute party details. She put the watering cans she had brought, on the tables while her cousin filled the centerpieces with white gardenias, Grandma Millie’s favorite flower. Gazing delightedly at how perfect everything appeared, Kimberly felt sure that the evening would prove to be unforgettable! 

At a surge of noise, Kimberly looked up to see her uncle helping Grandma Millie to board the boat to much cheering from the rest of the family. Millie, with her slightly hunched frame, and a corona of white hair, looked radiant in her maroon suit and expertly applied makeup. Kimberly grabbed the shoes from their box, along with a gift bag containing the tiara and sash, and waited for Millie to be seated in the reception area before giving her grandma a big hug. Then she switched Millie's current shoes for the new maroon pair that matched her outfit and handed her the gift bag. Smiling, Grandma Millie thanked Kimberly for all of her hard work, and then her attention was diverted as other well-wishers approached seeking a chance to talk. As Kimberly left to find her family, the River Queen smoothly pulled away from the dock and the cruise began in earnest.  

Kimberly found her husband trying to keep her boys entertained at a table. She immediately noticed that although the rocking of the boat was very minor, even that small motion, coupled with her husband’s sensitivity and the insufficient time for the medicine to achieve potency, had her husband looking slightly green. She relieved him by taking over the task of keeping their sons’ attention until it was announced that everyone should be seated for dinner. 

Ronan managed to eat a few bites of the salad course and the appetizer, but when the fragrant main course was served, Ronan grabbed the centerpiece, plucked the flowers out with one hand, and began to vomit into the watering can held in the other hand. If Kimberly hadn’t felt so sorry for her husband at that moment, she would have laughed to see Ronan with one arm outstretched, as if offering flowers to someone, while shyly covering his face with a can. 

The dining hall had gone silent while Ronan was sick, and once he was able to gain some control, Kimberly and an older cousin helped to usher him from the room and into a bathroom where he slumped down next to the toilet. He was in the same position when Kimberly’s mother found them five minutes later. She was watching the kids while Kimberly and Ronan were in the bathroom and she had come to inquire about a sticker book the boys kept asking for. Kimberly told her mother where to find the book and her mother left to resume her supervision. 

Unfortunately, Ronan seemed unable to find much relief despite allowing time for the medicine to work. Twenty minutes after entering the bathroom, Kimberly left her husband still draped over the commode, to return to the table where her mother and boys were. However, when she arrived, there was no one there. She scanned the room and found her mother speaking to an aunt. When Kimberly questioned where her sons were, her mother spun around looking for them at the empty table, assuring Kimberly that her back had been turned for only a minute and that they must be around somewhere.  

Kimberly and her mother walked around looking for the boys, asking other family members if they had been seen. She found her sons a few minutes later, in a small antechamber room, where framed pictures of Grandma Millie’s life and the commemorative birthday poster were stored, waiting to be put on display during the pending reception in Millie’s honor. The boys were all smiles and giggles as they stuck Paw Patrol stickers to a variety of surfaces in the small room, including over Grandma Millie’s face in the picture frames, until of course, they saw their mother’s thunderous expression. 

Kimberly screeched and began trying to pull the stickers off of the glass, but it was not a simple task. Word quickly spread and Grandma’s presentation was delayed a half hour while multiple family members vigorously rubbed and scratched away sticker residue from a variety of surfaces. Kimberly was so embarrassed by the debacle that she did her best to keep her head down while she cleaned, avoiding eye contact with Grandma and most of the other family members.  

During the lovely reception honoring Millie, Kimberly sat in the back of the room with her two boys, her smile strained and cheeks still red with chagrin, wishing the night was already over so they could all go home. She thought sadly of Ronan who was still too sick to join them, and in her embarrassment, couldn’t imagine how the night could be worse.

After the reception, the guests all moved upstairs for the live music and dancing. The sun had set and hundreds of twinkling lights encircled the room. Kimberly took delight in seeing Grandma’s face upon entering and fervently hoped she was enjoying her party.  

Kimberly danced and talked with family and kept an eye on her sons who were running around and playing with cousins. She noticed at one point that Ryland’s suit jacket was missing and she guessed he had gotten too hot and had discarded it somewhere. She was making a mental note to find it later when she noticed a red smudge on the ballroom floor. Walking over to get a closer look, she noticed another red smudge and by following a trail, she finally came to where her Grandma Millie was dancing with a family member. Millie’s ankles and legs were smudged with maroon dye and it had also transferred to the dance floor in small patches. Kimberly realized with horror that Millie’s shoes had gotten wet at some point, (they were on a boat for heaven’s sake!) and now the maroon dye was bleeding off.  

Kimberly realized she had forgotten to apply the water-repellant spray to the shoes. She thought of the spray sitting in her purse downstairs and immediately started to retrieve it. She ran out of the ballroom and onto the boat’s outdoor balcony, where her shoes slipped on and then tangled in Ryland’s dropped suit coat. The railing, being at the height of her thighs, couldn’t save her as she fell against it and then flipped over it and toppled two stories into the river below. Her scream was heard over the music and family and crew quickly rushed to her rescue. Kimberly did her best to tread water until the crew pulled her out of the water, shoeless and with hair and smeared makeup covering her face, smelling unpleasantly of the river.  

Once the riverboat had returned to shore, Kimberly sat hunched on a dockside bench, wrapped in a blanket, while her husband buckled her boys into their car seats. Grandma Millie, with maroon-stained legs, a tiara, and the “Bodacious Birthday Babe” sash, was being escorted off the boat and into a waiting car but stopped when she saw Kimberly and with a laughing smile, reached out to embrace her in a big hug. Then she whispered into Kimberly’s ear, “thank you for giving me a birthday that no one, especially the two of us, will ever forget!”