God's aching wrists

It's getting bad again. My chest feels strange, that's how I know. It always starts the same way. With a little less laughter, a wider smile and empty eyes. I lay on my bed, music echoing through my bare mind before I let myself indulge my sweet addiction.

In the chaos of her mind, she saw it. Vines of gold weaved along the crown, interlacing the ring above the mirrored bulb it sat upon. Shards of glass spiralled downwards, narrowing before widening once again. Light vibrations reverberated within the domes as the grains continued to fall, one after the other. She desired to reach her hand outwards to the falling stars, intercepting their gratifying path before tilting her delicate hand, allowing it to continue its journey. The corner of her lips gently curled as she pictured herself a grain descending towards the pool of powdered gold, drowning in stony pleasure.

She inhaled as the faint tick silenced and reality’s flowing life froze in its place. The glittering lights settled and life constant bustles quieted. A faint ringing could be heard, though it was distorted, becoming malleable and folding upon itself. Darkness’ serpent wrapped around her body, tightening in the tranquility. It was, however, nothing compared to the aching abyss within her chest. She could not feel her body, only a dull nothingness beating in her rib cage. She craved a filling, an end to space’s expansion. A prolonged breath exited through chapped lips, quickly lost in the moment’s end. The sudden obscurity came to life, twisting and twirling in the starry night, adrenaline pumping through yearning veins.

She was falling. Her limbs remain in a relaxed position by her side as shimmering stars streaked from under her. Violent reds and sunken blues blurred into the madness, poisonous sea-foam tainted greens and honeyed plums among shimmering suns. A coolness caressed the back of her neck slithering through her free flowing hair, drying the sweat gathering at her hairline. She was falling. Down the stellar rabbit hole. Plummeting, sinking in time’s quicksand. She enjoyed it.

I hear my mother, tidying in the kitchen, discussing the day with my father. Turning on my side, I allow the flood of music to drown my irritated thoughts, suffocating my mind.

She awoke with a bitter smile plastered across her face. She knew where she was, in a world that beyond actuality. She knew who she was with and who would be joining their adventure. She knew the situation they were in, the trouble coming and what brought her to this exact moment in time. She was all-knowing. She could feel the subtle pulse beneath her finger tips, the power she now possessed. She saw familiar smiles and stressed eyes. Creased eyebrows and sharp grief. She felt it. She could feel it all. The pain of the past, the camaraderie bathing the area in a golden glow despite the crisp breeze. She loved it. She was everything and more.

Panic strikes my heart at the sound of the alarm. Reaching for my phone, I wait for my eyes to adjust to the brightness before ignoring my selfish desires and clumsily hopping out of bed. I turn on the shower, strip and sit in the tub with my legs pulled to my chest, boiling droplets falling on my knees and forearms every so often. I try to think of what day it is but I cannot. Is it morning or night? My chest feels strange. Empty. My mind is blank, breathing in the steam with an exhausted breath. I feel nothing.

I close my eyes. The water curls the ends of my hair and with a relieved exhale, I unfurl my legs, lay my arms by my side and lean back against the moist ceramic tiles. I want to go back. Back to the world kept locked in the confinements of my head. I see her faint silhouette before darkness washes over me. She notices the water coating her skin, the humid air hanging almost visibly. She smiles at the sight of her friend approaching in the fog, enjoying the vague thrumming intoxicating her being.

"Hey, are you good? You look a little sick there. More haunted than usual, a little more brooding." he asked. I smiled simply and stood, the weighing abyss slowly lightening.

"Are you, a self absorbed imbecile, asking about someone else's well being?" She wondered aloud. "Forget someone, are you asking after my well-being." She tisked, shaking her head though her hair remained stuck to her skin. I tucked a loose strand with pruny fingers. "Your decency's showing."

Smiling towards the ground, he shook his head before answering. "If this is the reaction every time I demonstrate some genui-"

Too soon. She could hear voices outside the door. A knocking soon followed. I hear my mother telling me to hurry, someone clattering in the kitchen. She turned to him but he was already gone. She tried to see through the murk. Her mind is blank. She listens to the water hitting the snowy ceramic, pooling before spiralling down the drain. Her stomach sinks. She was empty once again. Numb. She craves her escape.

Whispers sound in her mind, compelling her to indulge in her fantasies. She feels something, desperation. She stands, turns off the shower and dresses. Her mind was silent in anticipation.

She knew her truth. She was not meant for this world. She was poisoned in her youth. Chronicles of adventures in better worlds than this cursed her mind to dream. She knew she could never live happily in both worlds. She made her choice.

The moment my eyes settled in the radiance, I was greeted with the sight of the group's smiling faces. They were laughing despite the imminent threats and loss we faced. I didn't need to know why they were laughing. I knew the story. I knew where I was, what was happening, but best of all, I knew what I was. I was a god. I was in the world I created, feeling every moment. Every painfully wonderful moment. After all, my mind was never a noiseless place to begin.

Despite the ache in my wrists, I pushed myself up and joined them.