God Is Bored

God got up early one morning, and immediately regretted it. Gravity, it seemed, which he hadn’t really invented, was weighing him down a bit today. He thought he should do something about the affairs of the universe, then remembered he didn’t rule the whole universe: just this miserable corner of it. He sighed and sat back down on his bed, feeling heavy.

Just about then Jupiter and Saturn showed up, as they were wont to do every so often. They liked to check up on God, especially as he’d seemed a bit down lately. They could see he was in a bad mood as soon as they turned up.

“Big man,” said Jupiter.

“Hey God," said Saturn.

God was feeling irritable, and petulant.

“I do have a name you know.”

“Well sure, you got a bunch of them", said Jupiter. “Hard to know which one to use.”

“Yeah", said Saturn. “It’s just like dude, or buddy. Easier.”

God breathed deeply. He made some flowers grow, bloom, and die in the space of a few seconds.

“Where’s Uranus?”

Jupiter sighed. “See, you know he hates when you pronounce his name like that.”

Saturn nodded. “Yeah, it’s why he doesn’t visit so much.”

God sighed. “Haven’t even heard from Lucifer for a while.”

“Well he has been pretty busy. Maybe you should reach out, let him know you’re thinking of him?” said Saturn, helping himself to a limitless goblet of wine.

“Mind if I have a wine?”

While Jupiter and God continued to speak of weighty matters, Saturn proceeded to get sauced. Eventually, with a voice like a reverb chamber, drowning out all conversation. he hollered:

“I AM THE LORD OF THE RINGS!”

And went on to crash around and trash the palace, screaming and gibbering in some weird combination of Greek and Elven, goblet still in hand. Looking at the demolished scene, God grew somehow more irritable.

“For my sake!” He yelled, rising again",This is why I don’t invite YOU around Saturn. You’re why I can’t have nice things. Jesus Christ!”

At which point Jesus appeared.

“Yes Father?”

“Oh fuck! Sorry son, slip of the tongue.”

“Well, hell", Jesus was annoyed. “Wanna watch that. Ever since you made my name a curse -”

“I did not!”

“You made it a sin to take my name in vain, what did you think people were going to do? You may as well have written it in neon on the Las Vegas Strip - oh wait, did you actually do that?”

“Well, just for a limited season. It starred that actor you like, he was in those movies. Aw fuck Saturn!”

Saturn was climbing the walls and tearing down tapestries. Jupiter grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, slapped him round a little and sat him down. He settled down for the time being, mumbling. Jesus sloped off, grumbling. The three of them sat amongst the wreckage, God looking more despondent. He decided he could do with a wine himself.

“Maybe you’re just bored, God", said Jupiter. “You should try something new.”

“I could do another flood.”

“I said something NEW God. Besides, they’re pretty much doing that themselves already.”

“Another plague?”

“Do you mean to say you didn’t make the ones going round already?” Saturn slurred. “Also, again, not new.”

“Really God", said Jupiter. “They’ve taken all our punishments and franchised them.”

“Maybe you could start again with a different species", Saturn said brightly. “Octopuses are cool. I like octopuses.”

“That’s actually an idea", said Jupiter. “Or dolphins?”

“They’ve got their own religion", said God glumly. “And I haven’t heard from Neptune in a while too.”

“I think he’s probably busy managing his expanding kingdom. Well, just a thought.”

“So sea life’s out. Crows, corvids? They’re pretty smart.”

“I’d have to ask Odin about that I guess", God sighed. “Maybe I should just send Jesus back down.”

Jesus reappeared. He was taking long, measured breaths, his eyes closed.

“Did you just say what I think you said?”

“Well…”

God shifted uncomfortably. That wasn’t really cliched, as he invented it.

“You do recall what happened last time right?"

“I know it was a bit -”

“Cause I was made flesh, I actually felt all that whipping and nailing and stuff. All for your ridiculous pride.”

God tried to sound as grave and paternal as he could.

“My son, I felt every scourge, every thorn, every nail, as if it were my body -”

“Oh and you enjoyed it so much you want a repeat? You worry me a bit, father.”

“Well they don’t do that anymore -”

“No, they have different methods these days. But really, if I showed up there now I doubt I’d even be noticed.”

“We could…put on a show of some sort.”

“Oh, like on the Vegas Strip? Or a Live Aid kind of thing?”

“Well, maybe…”

“Let me tell you Dad, if I have to go back down there I’m not coming back. I’ll get a job as a janitor, hang out with prostitutes, probably develop a drug habit and die from old age, overdose, an STD or a gunshot wound. And I’ll take back that stupid eternal life promise.”

“Phew. So…you’d break up the band?””

“What band?” Jesus finally exploded. “Not a lot of harmonizing around here that I can hear. Where’s the Holy Ghost these days anyway?”

“Haven’t heard about him entering anyone lately.” Saturn smirked lasciviously. He invented that and all, so relax.

Jesus grabbed a goblet, pissed in it, and made wine. After a long slirrup, he swayed over and sat down with the others.

“Maybe…” he said, while plucking and devouring a ripe green grape. “Maybe…we need to consider just how…invested in this we really are.”

God raised an eyebrow.

“Well", he continued, “it’s only been a couple thousand years with this lot. Maybe we could just cut our losses and move on. Let Lucifer have his fun.”

“Lucifer wouldn’t have near as much fun without you guys", Jupiter said.

“Yeah", Saturn agreed. “Nor would we.”

“Still", said God. “It’s a thought. Could just let the Hindus have their time.”

“Or the Muslims.”

God screwed up his face. “You do know I’m technically Allah as well. Really, there’s a lot I’d have to extract us from.”

“Have you talked to your mother?” Jupiter asked.

“Mary?” (that was Jesus)

“No, the other one.”

The Face of God darkened considerably.

“Oh yes, she’d love to take me back in, like her favourite loveable little idiot. That kind of mothering I don’t need. It’s why I created this hidey hole.”

Jupiter heaved a sigh.

“Look God, you’re the authority on free will, for all your rules. Me, I never believed in it. Always preferred to just smite people when they pissed me off. Not that you’re a stranger to that.”

“Well they just keep worshiping other gods.”

“Maybe they give them something you don’t. Life’s just a start, you know. There’s a bit of upkeep. I didn’t just throw lightning bolts around for fun. Ah, thank Christ I’m retired.”

Jesus glared at him. Jupiter laughed.

“Figure of speech, you know. Anyway, we’d best be going. Olympus may be small, but it doesn’t rule itself. Come on, Saturn. Let’s leave these guys to weightier matters.”

“See you soon Yahweh.” Saturn smiled as they exited arm in arm, Saturn playing his lyre and singing ‘Hallelujah’ by Leonard Cohen.

God roared and hurled a goblet at Saturn’s disappearing back.

“I hate that song", he grumbled. “It’s not even about me."

“Well Father", said Jesus. “Maybe not everything is.”

God sniffed. “It should be.”

Jesus leaned forward.

“Way I see it, you have two options. You could rip it up and start again, no loss. Hasn’t been that long really.”

He turned away and filled his goblet again then sat back down.

“Or you could just put up with it the way it is. In spite of everything, they are kind of fun.”

“I know", said God heavily, after a time. “Maybe I am bored. But they are really are a little…disappointing.”

“Well Dad", said Jesus, handing God a fresh drink, “maybe you just need to lower your expectations.”