Getting Killed for a Living

“Infiltration scenario number 197 take seven,” Supervisor Jenny shouts over the PA speakers that line the edge of the warehouse dome. It’s cold today. They must have shut off the heat to save money. They’re worried for sure, no more screw ups. “Cannon fodder, Grunts, Henchmen, Henchwomen…no that doesn’t sound right. From now on Henchmen is the unisex denomination for our highest level employees understood?”

“Yes, ma’am,” all six thousand four hundred twenty three ‘employees’ chant back at the ceiling.

“Good,” Supervisor Jenny appears before them as if she were always there and just using the speakers so she wouldn’t have to scream. She’s a small woman with the eyebrows of a less fashionable woman dressed in a pink bathrobe. “Can you hear me alright you fodder in the back? Even without the mic,” she shouts and then raises a microphone, “Or is this better.” She looks past the front section all the way to the back of the room. Her eyes widen. Her head shakes, and her hands move in gestures that mean nothing. “I can do either one, no real preference,” she waits. “You don’t have one either. Perfect. Okay mic it is,” the speakers flare back to life.

“For those who have not gotten to participate in these practice runs due to the utter incompetence,” she stumbles over the syllables, “Of the cannon fodder who can’t even do a single thing correctly. I would like to give a special shout out to Cannon fodder numbers 3, 21, 38, 39, 42 and 67. Would you all kindly get your shit together for this next one. Thank you.”

Laughter flows from the fodder up through the crowd. “Soon after hero x enters the warehouse —using the one window we’ve left a little loose. These windows are thick enough to stop a shell fired from a tank, so this loosened window is hero x’s only entrance — he will be hiding at the corner as you all do your security rounds, but will obviously miss him.”

A deep breath flows from the speakers, “You will walk past his corner and spin to the left, not the right, not walk backwards. Spin towards him. He will take you out. You are the first of many sacrifices. You have like four seconds of airtime. So. Spin. The. Right. Way. Please. Got it? Of course you’re nodding your heads that’s all you’re good for. Whatever, onto what happens next.”

“After easily dispatching the first few of you fodder, hero x will climb up onto the scaffolding by way of the ladder because,” she does a gesture with her hand towards a stick thin man wearing a mask and carrying a clipboard steps forward.

“Dr. Filstein would you please explain?”

“Of course Jenny. The hero complex is a mysterious thing that we psychologists have been interested in for years. While the truth is still a mystery, what we all seem to agree upon is that once infiltration is accomplished heroes like to get what they call a ‘vantage point’ to really get a better idea of what they’re dealing with. While it seems like the logical and quite a smart decision. The end result is almost never impacted by the fact that they got their bearings and understood what they were going up against.”

“Thank you doctor. So hero x will climb up there and then see you seven idiots wandering around. So he jumps off his ledge does a double backflip, and shoots all seven of you in one smooth motion. What do we do next? Anyone? Fodder 11?”

“Ma’am, we rate his landing and form out of 10 and then call in that he’s arrived and armed.”

“Perfect, but let’s not be too nice, so nothing better than a 7. We don’t want to be stoking his confidence too much,” she gives the fodder a thumbs up and continues, “As hero x moves past the sad pile of bodies that is you, we will activate the walls to start closing around him to push him to the spot marked with a giant red ‘X’.”

“And what happens to the injured fodder when the wall start to close? And where are you activating the walls from? You won’t be with us on the front lines,” a stocky man asks from the rows of henchmen.

Not a fan of being questioned before her morning coffee, Supervisor Jenny scowls, “They’ll be fine and we’ll be in a safe, undisclosed location in case hero x tries to interrogate any of you loose-lipped nellies for more information. May we move on sir, or would you like to start using the time that was supposed to be for your break for questions?”

“No, no. Sorry Supervisor Jenny. No offense intended.”

“I’m so glad we had that chat, henchmen number 5. Without a doubt a good use of my precious time and you won’t be cannon fodder in the next week,” she winks at him and continues.

“Alright next, the walls will push hero x into the middle of the warehouse area like so,” she mimes walking and points to the ‘X’ in the middle of the warehouse floor. “You all will surround him with the riot shields between you and him, so there is literally no way for him to escape,” she stops and looks around. “For those of you who are new, the riot shields are stacked next to the tank with the laser sharks from invasion scenario forty-three. Please do not fall in. There is a cover over the tank that is locked by a code that none of you know, so it should be difficult, but I would hate to underestimate the intelligence of you Cannon fodder. Unfortunately, due to new union codes and regulations, I have to reveal to you all how to open said cover in order to allow any of you to fall in if you would like to. There are two latches, one on each side of the tank pull them open and the code is 1, 2, 3, 4. If any of you should fall in, we will happily accept any lawsuits from your family in relation to our lax safety measures in relation to the laser shark tank. Thank you.”

“After you surround hero x with the riot shields, the henchmen in the inviso-suits will shoot poison darts straight down from the ceiling leaving them no chance to hit any of you and it would be almost impossible for them all to miss. Nice and simple.”

“Now you all will be either crouching down and shooting up, or standing on your tiptoes and shooting down so that the bullets if they miss hero x will either go over the riot shields or hit the ground before them so none of you will get hit and can keep shooting until we are sure hero x is dead.”

Supervisor Jenny lowers her mic, rubs her eyes and lets out an ear shattering sigh, “Please, please, please for the love of all that is evil, remember the shooting classes you have all passed. You all are at the very least decent shots. Moreover, please remember to shoot at the same time. No need to only shoot one at a time in a circle while hero x figures out a way to escape.”

“Poison gas will be released from the vents below his feet that appear to be regular floor panels. Please remember not to put on your gas masks until this moment, otherwise it may tip him off. And if all else fails, a tank will destroy the warehouse and then we will burn the wreckage shooting any survivors. Any questions? No. Lovely. Let’s run it again, Cannon Fodder don’t fuck it up again.”

“Yes ma’am,” shouts ring up from the rows of ‘employees’ and positions are taken.

Just as Jenny raises her mic to her mouth to shout at the ‘employees’ to begin, he walks in. The evil mastermind: Chuck the thunderous lobster. Decked out in chains, eye shadow, a pink mohawk and an ill-fitting suit. “Supervisor Jenny, if I could have a second of your time please.” Chuck the thunderous lobster saunters up the stairs to the stage standing at least a few feet taller than Jenny. Her hands shake and she can’t seem to remember how to blink.

“Yes sir, absolutely.”

“You need to stop using the poison gas, and tank missiles during the practice runs as the henchmen haven’t been supplied their gas masks yet and you’ve killed literally hundreds. I’m not upset about them dying, but you know how much I hate recruiting. Speaking to them just makes me uncomfortable,” the speakers share with the ‘employees’.

“Very good sir. I am deeply sorry and understand. They are quite gross to communicate with.”

“Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. We’re going to need to hire more. I’d like you to scour Livewithyourparentsordieemployed.com for some of the more disposable individuals. And label the position as entry level but require applicants to have died at least three times in support of a successful plot under an evil mastermind.”

“But sir there are only three licensed evil masterminds in the world, and an entry level worker would never have had the opportunity to die thrice in their short careers as henchmen.”

“Exactly,” he leans his head back and laughs a high pitched rumble. Isn’t it just pure evil?”

“Diabolical as always sir.”

“Thank you Jenny. Our conversations always give me so much joy,” Chuck wipes a tear from his eye before it can mess with his ‘war paint’. “Now special projects group assemble.”

Four glasses wearing short henchmen step forward to the space right in front of the stage looking up, but not making eye contact. “Weren’t there more of you?”

The roundest of the four clears his throat, “Yes sir Chuck, your great lobster sir. You see they have since departed your employment after failing to replicate hero w’s abilities.

“Ahh, I understand. Sad. Anywho, how goes your progress on deciphering how hero w was able to escape our last trap?” He asks quickly and paces around the edge of the stage.

“Um, well as our former members attempted it after training for months and disregarding what the physicists, and dentists told us. We have determined with 100% certainty that it is impossible to swing like Tarzan using dental floss over a vat of acid rescuing a tied up woman, untying her mid flight and carrying you both to safety.”

“I understand what you’re saying,” Chuck stops pacing, “And I appreciate you and your coworkers’ sacrifices to reach this conclusion. However, as we all witnessed hero w successfully do the exact trick you are claiming to be impossible, do you see why I am just the tiniest bit skeptical of your competence?”

“Sir, yes. I, we completely understand. No more than that. We agree. Hero w was some kind of demon with powers beyond us mere lowly henchmen. That is the only plausible explanation.”

“Well I agree with one thing you said.”

“Sir?”

“You are lowly henchmen.”

“Thank you sir,” the henchmen bows a little.

“Alright, not the news I was hoping for, but nonetheless I have some announcements before you continue your prep for hero x’s inevitable appearance. Some sad news. Cannon fodder number 74 has died of natural causes at the young age of 98. Our very own Frank,” Chuck pulls out a piece of paper, and squints at it, “Frank Parsons has left us. It’s heartbreaking. Trust me, I feel this as much, but probably more than any of you.”

He takes a deep breath, stifles a cough and then stares at his henchmen, “Now I know this may be shocking and a tinge unnerving to know that your beloved coworker Frank is dead. He will be remembered for his incredible ability to make us laugh and for being the third best aimer of death ray #5 when Kyle and Johan were busy being used as bait for death ray #4. As a bunch of you were close with Frank, I would encourage those who need it to seek out someone to talk to such as a close friend, family, or a therapist on YOUR OWN TIME and with YOUR OWN MONEY as I do not provide you with benefits and we still have quite the busy week ahead of us.”

He smiles, “On another note, as Frank is dead and unable to work his shift this coming Sunday, do we have any good Samaritans, any team players who would be willing to step up and take his shift? It starts at 2pm and goes until 10am on Tuesday with a single bathroom break on Monday night? Anyone? Any takers?”

“Hmmm, no I’m not seeing any volunteers. I completely understand if you’re all busy, or don’t want to work Sunday, Monday and Tuesday straight after this crazy week. But you know, I’d hate to have to murder Frank’s parents and sell his sister into the sex trade, but I’ll have to if no one steps up to fill his shift.”

“Poor poor papa and mama frank and Mishy,” he starts to pace again. "The Sunday, Monday, Tuesday shift is just too tough. They’ve lived good lives. They’ll understand no doubt.

“Second last thing I need to do today, Cannon fodder #76 did you put out subtle hints of our location and evil plans as I instructed for hero x to miraculously find and use to track us here?”

“Yes sir,” a woman average in every way steps forward. “Seven minutes ago, nineteen henchmen placed clues at unrelated restaurants. Eighteen of said clues will lead hero x to brothels that have recently been closed, a really fantastic burger place, and a retro underground vinyl store that has some really great stuff. And just as a little added surprise I left a gift card with the vinyl store clue, but it has on it eight cents less than even the cheapest record.”

“Well done, Cannon Fodder #76. Brilliant and evil. I’m so proud. Knowing that, hmmmm. Math henchmen give me the numbers.

“Well sir, given that the clues were put out seven minutes ago and eighteen are fakes, hero x will probably arrive here in I’d say just over twenty minutes which accounts for the creation of and training with the personalized gadgets custom made exactly for this mission.”

“Twenty minutes, brilliant. We’ll be ready. Supervisor Jenny?”

“Yes sir.”

“Which invasion scenarios have the trash got down the best?”

“You have quite the selection this time. I’d say scenarios twelve, eight, and seventy-five are where they really shine, but 139 was their absolute peak.”

“Isn’t 139 leaving the front door unlocked and surrendering?”

“Yes sir and they made it their bitch. I was so proud. It was like watching a professional ballet company surrender. It was orgasmic.”

“Jenny we talked about this. Surrendering is never an option for my henchmen. But if for some reason it were to be, I want them to surrender in the most haphazard fashion and in such terrible form that hero x decides that they are more of a danger to keep alive because of the clumsiness and general lack of decorum. Understood?”

“Yes sir. Apologies.”

“Good. Make another mistake and I’ll take your other kidney. But enough of this, I’d like to see the progress you’ve made with the trash. You’ve been working with them for some time, so I expect some mastery. Hero x arriving in 20 minutes is the perfect test. I’d like you to run invasion scenario 197 if it applies to his entrance. Are you confident in your success?

“As long as the fodder get their shit together, very much sir.”

“Ahh yes of course. Something we always have to be aware of. I look forward to seeing it, Cannon fodder willing.”

************

“Where is he?” Chuck screams over the speakers. “It’s been twenty-six minutes. He does know we’re waiting on him. The bastard. I put together a fun treasure hunt and how does he repay me? By making me stand around. The nerve. Someone murder my Math henchmen. And then find me a new Math henchmen. Preferably one that’s better at math.”

“He doesn’t appreciate you, sir,” Jenny chimes in.

“Henchmen you’d best be ready to enact invasion scenario 197 when he arrives. You know what, I want you to be running practices until he comes in through that window.”

“Sir, I understand your feelings, but if he were to come in in the middle of a run-through then he would know our plans. It’s best for them to just stand by.”

“Ok ok fine. Jenny, you’re in charge.”

A five feet thick, tank shell resistant, bullet proof slab of a window shatters. Shards of plastic and glass scatter as a tank, the invasion scenario 197 last resort tank, flies into the warehouse. A man in a suit with the softest looking hair ejects out of the tank cabin and rolls to the center of the room. He stands up directly on the X. His tank continues to roll through some of the henchmen and smash through the side of the warehouse near the riot shields.

“I’m late. You’re welcome,” the suit wearing stranger smiles at the group of frightened henchmen staring at him. He looks down, taps his foot twice and mutters to himself.

“Hero x, my nemesis,” Chuck’s voice screeches through the room.

“This isn’t solid ground. Feels like vents are down there,” hero x says ignoring Chuck’s greeting. He walks a little distance away from the X and looks up, “Hmmm, I smell fear. Invisible fear, and failure.”

“How does he know,” Jenny says followed by an order, “Inviso-soldiers fire.”

“Inviso-soldier?” Hero x checks his watch and then dives as the poison darts are about to hit him. They clatter to the floor.

“Cannon fodder get the riot shields. Henchmen with guns, what are you waiting for? Shoot him.”

The Cannon fodder scramble out of their daze towards the gaping hole in the warehouse with the tank and the riot shields. A sci fi noise pierces the sound of gunfire as the first fodder reaches the shields. Blood explodes from his back as his body splits in half dropping to the floor. The next in line, unable to fall back quickly enough, suffers a similar fate. The rest get the message and run away. Laser sharks crawl into the fray, lasers flying every which way. They don’t last very long without water, but take down a few more of the henchmen before dying and their lasers laser their last victims.

“He released the laser sharks! Impossible.”

“I only barely planned that one,” hero x says as he pulls out a pistol and shoots the first henchmen of the many shooting at him. His victim drops and he reaches for his second magazine hidden in his suit pocket. Bullets fly by him as he slides, dodges and jumps over them looking stylish as always. He loads his new magazine in midair firing at the rifle from his next victim’s hands launching it up into the air towards himself. He catches it and unloads it’s magazine into the oncoming swarm. His last shot hits another gun into the air. Guns continue to fly at him from the graying hands of fallen henchmen until he is the last man standing surrounded by a pile of empty guns and bodies.

“Three holes, unfortunate,” he says pulling at the torn suit jacket. “It was a nice warm up though.” He looks down at watch, “Only 7000 steps Gaffrey, you’re an embarrassment. We’re definitely not taking the tank home, we’re walking.” He looks up at the speakers, “So what’s next?”

“Holy shit. You killed everyone.”

“Was there really an alternative?”

“I guess not.”

“So uh, what are you all up to in your secret warehouse with an army of hired guns. I guess,” he turns around, “Now more of a former army?”

“Trying to take you down.”

“So no kidnapping?”

“Nope.”

“Death rays?”

“Not today.”

“Evil plots to cause pain to the world?”

“Nah, just you.”

“Oh. Okay, well I guess I’ll be on my way now. Have a good one.” He waves as he starts to walk towards the opening in the warehouse.”

“Wait,” Jenny yells, “How did you find us?”

“Jenny get off the PA system. Gosh.”

“A good question. Well I was out having a day, visiting a good friend of mine. She’s the owner of a hidden gem of a restaurant. We go way back so we were chatting, I was eating for free and flirting with her sister. She’s a lovely girl. At some point, she bumped into a table and immediately knew there was something wrong. I thought to look under it and found a clue. While the hints were mostly gibberish, the only possible place it could be pointing to was a hidden vinyl shop that I’d only heard of through whispers. Low and behold I was right and it was quite the find. Even better, with the clue was a gift card and because the shop was having a sale I could buy two records and listen to classics on my way here."

“You can’t possibly be saying you carry around a record player.”

Hero x laughs, “No, no that would be ridiculous. They come standard in tanks these days,” he says pointing at the tank.

“But that doesn’t explain how you found us after the vinyl shop. There were no clues there,” Jenny points out.

“True, but on my way back home to listen to my new records I caught a scent of something delicious and thought what’s better than listening to new music while enjoying something yummy. I stopped in and believe it or not, the owner of this restaurant was a friend of mine from my war days and he too had just found a clue. This one just had an easily decipherable address and your evil seal. So then I returned to HQ to drop off the clues for testing, let my gadget guy know I wanted to handle this au naturel and headed here where I found your lovely tank with the record player. It made me a little late, but I hope you’ll forgive me. Riding a tank while rocking out was on my bucket list and I’d highly recommend you all give it try if you have the chance.”

“Why didn’t you enter through the window with the sign saying ‘enter here’ why are you heroes all like this.”

“It’s fine Jenny, he was driving a tank and probably head banging to some dope tracks. I don’t blame him for not seeing it. Let’s let him get back to his day. We’ll just have to try again with hero y.”

“Alright, well I guess try to be less evil,” he waves over his shoulder as he disappears out of the warehouse.

“Well that didn’t go well.”

“What happened to your confidence in invasion scenario 197?”

“197 calls for him coming in through the window on his own, not with our tank!”

“True true. Well, I guess we’ll need to hire some new sacrificial pawns for the next plot.”

“Entry level with unreasonable experience requirements?”

“Entry level with unreasonable experience requirements.”