Funny Girl

“Two minute warning, Desiree."

“Wow okay. Thanks.”

“Remember the agreement.”

Desiree nodded at her agent and took one last look into the side stage mirror. “Why are my hands freezing?” she thought, rubbing them together. She didn’t want them to be cold when she shook Barrett Bronson’s hand. "THE Barrett Bronson, the Late Show’s most long-standing host, will be interviewing me. Me! In, let’s see, one minute."

She smoothed her coifed hair, licked the punch colored lipstick off her straight white teeth, and tried to calm the nerves that made her dizzy and her stomach cramp. The hem of her geometric print body con style dress rode up again when she rolled her shoulders.

“Showbiz, sexualized much?” Desi muttered audibly, hoping the crew would hear, since she was still a little pissed she didn’t get to choose what to wear. She wondered if Barrett had lap blankets out there, so that she could prevent giving this late show a new rating.

Desiree chuckled to herself as Barrett gave her intro.

“Our next guest is who you’ve all been waiting to see, funny housewife turned YouTube sensation, Desiree Does Dishes! Here she is, in the flesh!”

One last dress adjustment, then she was pushed out into the beams of man-made suns. Desiree faced Barrett and smiled at him, then turned and waved at the direction of the audience. Her eyes fought to adjust to the overload of infrared radiation. She reached her chair and shook Barrett’s hand. After recovering from a panicked moment of not knowing how to sit properly in the sausage casing of a dress, She maneuvered herself onto the tip of the seat before launching right into it.

“Speaking of flesh, I thought I’d share most of mine with you tonight.”

“You’re right, this is quite the change from how we usually see you, bumming around your house in mismatched pajamas.”

“That’s right Barrett. My style is classified as athleisure chic. I brought a wrinkled linen two piece from home but someone important thought it would be nice to clean me up a bit.”

“And you look wonderful, Desiree! Thanks for being here.”

“You’re welcome Barrett. How has your day gone? Have you had a chance for any meditation, or possibly a scone?”

Barrett chuckled. “How did you know I eat scones while I meditate?”

Desiree feigned surprise, then treated him with her signature raised eyebrow and crooked smile.

“Just kidding. Unfortunately no to both. However it’s been a great day, thanks for asking. It would be even better if you could explain to us where you get the ideas for your hilarious monologues.”

Desiree smiled; she had rehearsed this.

“As you know, I’m a stay-at-home mom who works part-time teaching fitness classes. So, my three kids are just plain loud. When they are home, our place echoes with the sound of discontented whining, video game music, and maybe a lil’ sweet bubbly laughter.” Desiree pinched her thumb and pointer finger together to demonstrate a small amount.

“When they are at school and the house is quiet, I need to fill the void with my own voice. If you’ve seen my earliest videos, you’ll notice I do my monologues while I complete housework. I thought I would pair my chores with satirical ‘How-To’s and jokes about life, which I would then share on my channel. I didn’t expect so many views, or that the TGMG would choose me as their artist and graciously take over the direction of my channel.”

“You have a billion views on almost all your content. In fact, your original videos had a million views even before you signed with The Government Media Group.”

“Yeah, except for my cooking one? Like, what’s up? There’s only 500 thousand views.” Desiree leaned toward the audience facetiously. “Probably because I suck at cooking.”

The audience ate that up, laughing boisterously.

“Oh nobody said that Desiree! That lasagna you made looked good!”

“You know what? It was good. That chicken enchilada dish though, not so much.”

“I would even go so far as to say ‘cringe-worthy.”

“Oh Barrett, I’m hurt,” Desi said sarcastically. She milked it, hitting her fist against her heart and pouting.

“Well, we have a clip here, taken from your most popular original video, ‘Laundry.’ Let’s watch.”

TRANSCRIPT: LAUNDRY COMEDIC MONOLOGUE

scene: Desiree is in a bath/laundry room combo. She pulls clothes from the stacked dryer, shaking each out, folding it, then placing the folded clothing on one of many piles surrounding her. She is humming to herself; then she stops to laugh quietly.

“Uh oh, I dried hubbie’s work shirt again. He is going to be pissed off for sure.”

Desiree turns to bathroom mirror/camera and takes on an advertising persona.

“Have you ever made a laundry faux pas?”

Desiree moves her body to an imaginary beat.

“You know, red sock in whites, dried a sweater, comes out too tight, hey! Pink is better.”

Desiree’s whole body demonstrating a punishing beat.

“What are you going to do?

Do you think hubby will sue?

You best set sights, on your divorce letter, Dollars to new heights, oops! Is this leather?”

Desiree resumes the advertising persona.

“Divorce is expensive, and it’s coming your way! It’s time to consider marriage insurance.”

Desiree stares into mirror with a concerned look.

She breaks character and laughs.

“I missed my calling. I bet there’s lots of us moms who missed our calling. They say being a mom is a calling. Huh, pretty sure babies don’t come from callings.”

Wry smile. Pulls child’s pants out of dryer.

“I love my babies but wow! what was on these pants? It did NOT come out. It looks like the total remains of the Amazon are on these knees! If he wears these again I won’t be able to find him at the park.”

END TRANSCRIPT

Desi watched the audience instead of the clip. Besides reading her video comments, this was a rare opportunity for her to see real time reactions from viewers. She kept a small pleasant smile on her face to hide her eagerness for acceptance. This clip was dear to her heart, as she had produced and uploaded it, not TGMG.

The clip ended and gave way to audience applause.

“So Desiree, do you have marriage insurance? Your ‘hubby,’ as you call him, takes some heat in many of your videos. How did you hold your marriage together after he heard all those jibes?”

Desi conjured some pleasant prophetic laughter. “Well Barrett, same way you do after you go dancing with your wife. Lots of explaining, sometimes flowers with a card that says ‘sorry for stepping all over you.’” The audience laughed and Barrett pretended to act offended, then laughed along with everyone else. Desi continued.

“In all honesty, I owe him an apology. I’m just making fun of things I feel are probably present in all live-in relationships. He is a wonderful man.” Then Desi couldn’t help herself. “but yes, I have marriage insurance, and after this interview I’m going to buff up my policy!”

Peals of laughter came in from the audience.

Barrett continued. “Your strong relationship with your partner reminds me of your Life Coaching videos that TGMG launched as one of its first ‘Desiree Does Dishes’ collections after taking over. Did you like how that turned out?”

Desiree had rehearsed this as well. “Of course. So yeah, not only does our mandatory Home Surveillance System here in the States keep us safe but it also can make anyone famous! In this case, TGMG took my surveillance video from the pep talks I give to myself in the mirror.” Desi smiled and shrugged her shoulders. “The advice comes right out of my own experience, so you know it’s raw and legitimate. I’m just thrilled that this content can help others.”

Barrett smiled and nodded. “Great to hear. Now back to the funny stuff, we have another clip. This one happens to be my personal favorite, maybe because I can relate. Let’s watch.”

TRANSCRIPT SEASHELL COMPILATION

scene one: Desiree is walking down the street. Woman approaches from behind, walking faster than Desiree.

Woman: “Oh you got that at Target didn’t you!”

Desiree: “Excuse me? Why yes! These joggers are from Target!”

Woman passes Desiree and looks at her with disgust, continues on, cupping her ear.

Woman: “Oh my goodness this rando thought I was talking to her… I know! I’m obvi ON A CALL.” Last part is said loudly, woman turning back to Desiree as distance between them increases.

Desiree, after woman turns back, hits her palm to her forehead.

scene two: recreation center lobby. Desiree sits at a table, working on a computer. A man simultaneously sits at a neighboring table, pulling out a computer. Desiree and man exchange smile, then go back to their computers. Someone runs on the track nearby, singing show tunes.

Desiree: “I don’t know about you, but vintage cabaret isn’t my first choice for work out music.”

Desiree smiles expectantly at the man. Man completely ignores her. He has seashells in his ears.

Desiree looks from side to side to check if anyone heard her.

Desiree: “Nobody? Right.”

Desiree returns to computer.

END TRANSCRIPT

Desiree watched the clip this time. Even now an aftershock of embarrassment rippled through her as she recalled these memories. TGMG had loaded this one.

As the audience’s laughter petered out, Barrett started up.

“Okay, so, this has definitely happened to me!”

“Really? Good!” Desiree brought her hand to her clavicle and pointed her bare shoulders towards Barrett in kinship. “I’m not the only one. It’s my own fault, I’m just too darn friendly.” She did oddly feel a little relief.

“Oh Desiree, God bless you. We just love watching this because it’s happened to all of us.” Barrett’s voice bordered on condescension. “Though this compilation does go on with ten more scenarios!” The audience laughed with Barrett. “So what gave you the idea for this one?”

“Actually I can’t take credit for this gem. This is a TGMG video. Footage was pulled from various surveillance cams.”

Barrett looked surprised. “Wow, okay. It’s posted like it’s you.”

“Well it is me, but I didn’t produce and post it. That’s part of the magic of TGMG’s support of my brand. They are a brilliant arm of our government who knows what the people want to see. I mean, am I a little embarrassed?” She laughed and nodded. “But it has a billion views so…” Desiree shrugged to finish her sentence. “What can I say? My life is hilarious. TGMG told me that when they discovered my channel, they just knew this funny girl had potential.”

Barrett’s curiosity was not slaked.

“No way! Alright, new game. I say a video, you say who posted, okay?”

Desiree felt insecurity creep in around the caulking of her confidence. She could sense TGMG execs sitting at the edge of their seats, narrowing their eyes.

“Oh I don’t know if…”

“‘Twisted Kidz Bop’?”

“Me,” Desiree replied triumphantly. She loved this video of her doing covers of popular music, changing the words to roast the artists.

Barrett smiled. “How about the Workout video?”

“TGMG. I teach fitness classes so it was easy for them to use the gym’s surveillance. It turned out great!”

“Trying on Bathing Suits?”

“TGMG.” Desiree rolled her eyes and smiled.

“Drunk Karaoke.”

“TGMG.” Now Desiree brought her hand to her face to cover her eyes, peeking out between two fingers.

“Bunion Fetish?”

“TGMG.” Desiree’s voice cracked. She tucked her sandaled heels underneath her chair.

“How about this new one, posted this morning, ‘Vaginal Births, One, Two, and Three?’”

Desiree’s stomach dropped.

“What?”

She was a ‘dear’ caught in tungsten headlights.

“It’s very powerful and moving to see you birthing your three children. Beautiful, but not for the faint of heart!” Barrett looked out into the audience, receiving back a “yessir” and a “Don’t you know it!”

“TGMG,” Desiree responded quietly, trying to grasp that planet Earth’s inhabitants could see her yawning maw on YouTube. She needn’t have worried about her dress tonight.

She swallowed laboriously, then grabbed her water from the desk.

“Oh Desiree, you didn’t know. Darling, it’s beautiful content and don’t worry, there is a 13 year old age limit set on it. It’s already going to good use too! TGMG made a comment in the description that they will be releasing a specially edited version to use for abstinence education throughout the public school system!”

Desiree laughed mirthlessly at this. “Huh, well that’s ironic.”

Barrett looked at her quizzically. Desiree struggled to hold it together.

“I prefer birth control and disease prevention education. And that’s all I’ll say on the subject.”

“How do you mean?”

Desiree sucked on her cheeks. “Barrett.” She stared him down like they were playing Russian Roulette with their eyes. Barrett lost the round to his notecards.

“Okay, okay. But now may not be the time to disparage abstinence. The Sun Tabloid has released photographs of what looks like you at a rally supporting the return of legal abortion.”

Discomfort radiated off her like body odor. She squirmed in her seat, showing more leg than she’d like.

“This was a big surprise to your fans! Why would you support this egregious illegal activity?”

“Ooh, ‘egregious’ is a big word for you Barrett. This is getting a little heavy for the Late Show. I’m starting to wonder if someone spiked your notecards.” She went for the joke but the audience didn’t laugh. “Anyway, It’s not proven that it’s me in that photograph.”

Desiree met Barrett’s eye. While she watched a bead of sweat travel from his hairline to his jaw, Desiree wondered if she wasn’t the only one under TGMG’s thumb.

“Well then I ask, is it you?”

Desiree made a split second decision and faced the audience for her answer.

“No.”

A wave of low voices in their own discussions traveled to her ear from the direction of the audience.

Abruptly Barrett shot out a hand towards Desi, palm facing her, then cupped his ear. Everyone watched him turn his head to the side, listening to his seashell.

“Okay then. Im getting word of a surprise guest!”

He listened to his seashell again. Then he stood, prompting Desiree to join him.

“Please welcome Dr. Angel Rodriguez!”

The audience clapped politely while Desiree felt bile burn her esophagus. Her head swam as if the atmosphere had been replaced by nitrous oxide.

The doctor walked towards the seat next to Desiree, his timorous gait rigid and contained.

She turned to Barrett and ignored the doctor.

“This is ‘The Late Show,’ not daytime tv, what have you lowered yourself to Barrett?”

He ignored her jibe and leaned over to shake the doctor’s hand.

“Did I say your name right Doctor?”

“It’s pronounced ‘ahn - khel’ but no worries Barrett.” Dr Rodriguez’s smooth caramel skin pulled across the angular bones of his face to smile tightly. They all sat down.

“Can I please ask what is going on here?” Desiree heard hysteria in her voice but she was past saving face. Barrett ignored her question. A staff person ran onstage and quickly placed a new stack of notecards next to Barrett.

“Thanks for joining us Dr. Rodriguez. Our show executives did some digging after yesterday’s tabloid picture release. We just have one question for you both before we go to commercial.” Barrett swallowed and straightened the new notecards.

“Doctor, how do you know this woman?”

Desiree bored holes into Angel, slightly shaking her head. His hands trembled.

“I performed an operation on her 17 years ago, in Las Cruces, New Mexico.”

“Right. And Desiree, what was the operation Dr Rodriguez performed on you?”

Desiree paused, not for effect, though it certainly made one. The audience took a collective breath, feeding off the drama like a virus finding a host cell.

“I was 16, in the foster care program. My foster dad…”

“Desiree, please just answer the question.”

She closed her eyes, feeling tears fall onto the orange and red diamond pattern of her dress.

“Dr. Rodriguez gave me an abortion.”

Gasps came from the audience. A few individual shouts came into earshot.

“Whore!”

“God will get you!”

Barrett seemed resigned, expecting all this after being forced to announce a surprise guest. “Abortion has been illegal for 18 years Desiree. There will be a reckoning. But that’s not my job, we need to go to commercial and then after we move on to our musical guest! How exciting!” Barrett encouraged the audience to clap while contorting his face into an open-mouthed smile that bordered on manic. The audience, like a goldfish in its bowl, took the bait and reoriented their attention.

She saw the cameras quickly panning over to another stage where iconic middle-aged singer Shawn Mendes prepared to launch into his newest release. She brought her eyes back to Barrett. He covered his mic with his hand and continued. “Listen, I just do what I’m told. I’m sorry.”

Angel grabbed her arm and cut in urgently. “Desiree, they deported my family and I’m to follow now that I’ve done this. I’m sorry. I came on the show to save my life.”

Barrett talked over him as well. “What were you thinking, going to that rally?”

She laughed derisively, “I don’t know! I don’t know, I’ve been unhinged lately. Everything is out of my control.” She grabbed a decorative pillow and put it on her lap. Then she pulled the mic out of her cleavage and threw it onto Barrett’s desk. “This is seriously fucked up. Barrett, obviously I didn’t come on this show to reveal my past. That’s a death wish!”

Dr Rodriguez darted his eyes around the room. When Shawn Mendes started singing, he decided he wasn’t going to stick around; he left the stage with rapid steps. Desiree followed the doctor with her eyes. While wondering if she should follow him, she noticed commotion backstage. It dawned on her that this was her last chance to set the record straight. She focused in on Barrett, grabbing his arm.

“Listen. TGMG conned me into selling the rights to my identity. They misrepresented how far their fingers could reach into my content. I hired a business consultant, but then later learned they bought him off. Of course he encouraged me to take the deal, that cheap bastard.” Desiree’s words were clipped and husky. “So then they proceeded to build off my base and create something almost omnipresent in the homes of America. They released and marketed a video once a month, then twice a month, now it’s twice a week. I have no say in the directions they take. It’s me but it’s not me, and I feel like they stole my soul.”

Barrett listened intently, putting his hand over hers when her bottom lip quivered.

“And so yeah, that rally? That was me trying to take back my soul.”

Barrett looked at her and shrugged. “I get it, but, Desiree, they won’t let that go.”

“I know. I was raped, and that doesn’t matter. I lived on the streets then, and that doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.”

Someone cut their stage lights. Their eyes saw stars in this sudden dark, imprinted like a filter. Now Shawn Mendes shown like a beacon.

Desiree startled at the sound of booted footsteps on engineered wood. Two bulky shapes were coming for her, one from each side stage.

Desiree stood and took a few steps out, her back to an audience clapping along to a synth solo, unaware of what was going on with her.

One of the shapes grabbed her arm while the other read out loud from an iPad. “Desiree Does Dishes, you are under arrest for having an abortion. You must come with us to discuss your rights and the terms of your arrest.”

As she was jostled offstage, her self-righteous energy renewed.

“This is entrapment! Right? and what about time statutes?”

The bulky shapes, who turned out to be built men in navy suits, pulled her into a side room, smaller than the green room.

“The Government is guilty, I’m innocent!”

One of the men let out a grumpy pop of laughter when he pushed her down onto a stool. “That’s for sure, you’re downright naive. This isn’t about justice or ethics. Despite the statute of limitations, TGMG needs to take action to conserve image.”

Desiree tasted warm angry tears pooling at the corners of her mouth. She stood back up, challenging the boundaries of her situation. “I have a family. What are you going to do to me?”

The man behind her grabbed her wrists while the other prepared a syringe. She cowed, screaming, trying to squirm away and clenching all her muscles. The man with the syringe slapped her hard across the face. In her shock, he plunged the needle into her arm.

“Congratulations, you have cancer. I’d say you’ve got about six months to live. That should be plenty of time to say goodbye to your family and sort your affairs. It will definitely be enough time for media to decide that God gave you cancer to punish you for your abortion.” He stepped up to her face and pinched her tear-stained cheeks together.

“You have been canceled, dearie.”

Desiree stared back into his beady eyes. The weight of the moment crashed down on her, sitting her back onto the stool, drooping her shoulders and relaxing her mouth, her bottom lip dropping from the weight of her jaw. The other goon released her now; she didn’t need restraint. In fact, the men moved to exit.

“Wait!” Desiree reanimated, reaching out.

“I demand that my family is given monetary compensation and safe passage to Canada.” She drilled the men with her eyes while her lips pulled into a mucus-laced snarl. “That is the least they can do.”

The men shared a look and shrugged. “I think there are plans for your kids that will keep them in Hollywood.”

“No way am I letting our piss-ass government clench it’s bulldog jaw into the thighs of my sweet babes!”

“Hey I’m just the messenger. Anyway, you are free to go.”

Then they left, leaving the door ajar.

Desiree sat on the stool, slightly shaking and sweaty. The elixir of death was working its way through her bloodstream. She slowly turned her head to face a mirror on her left. Garish pink lipstick wedged itself into the cracks of her upper lip, reaching up towards mascara smears. She met her own eyes.

“Well, goodbye Desiree, you funny girl.”

Who was she talking to in this empty room?

No one. Everyone.