Friends Not Food

People often ask me, "Why are you still single?" 

I just smile and move on to other things. It can be irritating, yes, but I have mastered the art of self-restraint. I do understand why they ask though. 

Humans were never designed to be solitary creatures. It is collaboration in fact, that allowed our species to evolve above all the others back in the jungle millions of years ago. 

It is also a fact that people in healthy long-term relationships are richer, more fulfilled and live longer. Being in one is a good thing. All these I know, and I never argue when they are told to me even when they come unsolicited. And having someone to cuddle with while enjoying hot cocoa with marshmallows or banana bread and disagreeing on which movie to watch on a drizzling Saturday night is fun too. 

Well, I could give those who ask several reasons why I am still single. A single woman on the wrong side of thirty as they call it still raises eyebrows even in our empowered times. 

But here is the reason why I might still be for a while longer. 

I love aquariums. I own one. And I love to see my tiny coloured fish swimming their life away in their transparent man-made home that I bought online. I am actually looking at them as I write this story. What a blissful little life! 

I love to watch them. Sometimes I imagine they play hide and seek amongst themselves in the coral towers in their home. I love it when they follow each other while they swim and turn their fins as they jump up to eat the food I pour for them. I make sure to buy the ones they like. I judge this by how quickly they swallow all the pieces. I think I figured out the right brand. 

I wonder if my fishes know about me, and what they think of me. 

I also wonder if they know about the ocean. Sometimes, I create gentle waves with my hand inside the aquarium to give them the feeling. I don't want them to miss out, and I understand my keeping them may not be the best thing for them. To make up for the guilt I may feel sometimes, I give them extra food and clean their home more regularly. 

Watching them is very therapeutic especially when you live in a concrete jungle like I do. They are quiet and their swims are like soft and gentle dances. It's mesmerising. 

You might not think it, but little fishes have personalities too. My favourite fish in my aquarium was called Meno. Yeah, I thought calling him Nemo would be too cringe. He would swim above the other five at meal times and swallow the most balls of food. He was a go-getter. He didn't just sit and wait for it to get to him. He would actively reach out higher for it. My kind of person.

I still have pictures and videos of him on my Instagram.

When I placed my finger on the side of the aquarium, he swiftly would swim to it and open his mouth as though swallowing or biting it. Was he playing? He always left me wondering… 

His energy especially early in the morning when I fed them before I left for work gave me life. How could anyone be so energetic always? I had even started to write imagined stories about him. The Wonderful Adventures of Meno the Jolly Fish I would call the anthology. 

I miss Meno. 

You want to know what happened to him? 

I had been dating this guy I really liked. We had met on a dating app that shall remain unnamed. He had this cute profile that said playful and smart at the same time. He was an economist. In the year and a half that we dated, he always knew of a way to save a coin. His tips came in handy, especially in the soaring inflation. We were in the process of moving in together. He had a key to my flat and knew my schedule. 

One day while he watched me feed my fish he asked me, "Vera, rather than keep spending money on tiny fishes in a glass box feeding them and pumping expensive electricity to run it, why don't you buy larger fish that you can keep there, feed them and when they are bigger you can cook them?" 

I was shocked! I shook my head but ignored him. I didn't believe anyone could ever think like that. This time he had stepped over a line with his saving tips. 

One Saturday afternoon, while I was out shopping for groceries fish food included, he called me telling me to get home quickly because he had a surprise for me. 

On arrival, he showed me the surprise. 

Three large fish had replaced all my six playful and colourful little fishes in the aquarium. Next to the aquarium were several boxes of fish food. 

On a basin on the table were five moving tiny fishes. One, the blue and orange one was floating on the water. 

"Sorry, it died when I was trying to catch it with my hands," my ex said grinning, probably proud of the wonderful surprise he had worked so hard to get me.

I didn't answer him. I had no answer. 

Meno my bubbly fish was dead. And in his home were three large tilapias. 

"Thank you for your wonderful surprise but I politely decline it," I finally managed to summon some words after sitting down to analyse the situation. 

It had to sink in that this was really happening. I hoped I was dreaming it. 

That is the last time I spoke to my ex. Of course I broke up with him. 

It's been a few years now and I haven't gone back to the dating scene yet. I am worried about what I might find so I have been taking my time. And if I do go back, I'll try to avoid the apps. 

When people ask me why I am still single, I feel the urge to tell them the story of my bubbly fish Meno and the three large tilapias in his aquarium, but I usually don't know where to start… 

Of late when they ask, I think I will be asking them, "Why were you single? Tell me your story and I will tell you mine." 

I wonder what their story will be…